Love Signals: An opposites-attract, forced proximity, only one bed, revenge romantic comedy (Love St

11. Gravy Boats and Sheet Tents

Hudson

“Hudson, Hudson! Talk to me, Hudson!”Chad shouts. He’s on my right, pressing on my upper body with both hands, doing the world’s most ineffective chest compressions.

“Please … stop … that,” I mutter through clenched teeth.

I feel like I’m in a tunnel. The sounds around me aren’t quite getting to my ears. In the distance, I hear more voices, and when I look up, I see I’m surrounded by several members of the staff. Tina’s on the phone with a 911 operator explaining what happened, while Keenan and Chad look on. I’m drenched in sweat, my heart is beating insanely fast, my ankle is throbbing where I got bit, but even worse, I inexplicably have a horribly painful erection. Oh my God, am I some kind of weirdo who loves pain? I double over a little more, pulling my legs up to hide it.

I glance up and see Allie kneeling beside me to my left.

Her face is filled with worry. “What can I do to help you?”

“I’m fine. It’s really not that bad,” I say, closing my eyes for a second as I try to get a handle on the extreme pain. Keenan starts reading out instructions from his phone. “Wash with soap and water, administer an ice pack…”

“I’m on it!” Chad says, sprinting down the hall.

Tina leans over me, and in a low voice, says, “Err, Hudson, they want to know if you have an erection.”

“What?” Allie asks.

“An erection. It’s a symptom of a Brazilian wandering spider bite.”

Oh, thank Christ. This is normal. I nod, in too much pain to be embarrassed. “A raging one.”

“Yes, he says he’s got a raging erection.”

Dizziness comes over me and I start to feel like I’m about to lose consciousness. I look up at Allie, wondering if hers is the last face I’m going to ever see. And if it is, I’m okay with it. Not that I want to die, but if I have to, it’s so much better to be looking at her than, say, that Chad guy. “You’re very beautiful.”

“Thanks?” she says, looking totally confused.

Dammit, it’s because of the erection, isn’t it? “Allie, just in case I don’t make it, please call my brother, and my parents.” Oh, I’m gonna black out. “Tell them I love them, and that there was no raccoon. I’m the one who broke Nana’s gravy boat.”

“Okay, I’ll relay the message.” She nods, tears filling her eyes. “But don’t think like that. The ambulance is on the way. You’re going to make it.”

“I don’t think so. This feels like it might be it for me. I’ve never been in love before. God, you’re pretty…”

I feel her hand on my cheek and she’s saying something but her words disappear into the ether as everything goes black.

Instagram Reel: Hollywood Dish with Ferris Biltmore

The video starts up, showing Ferris in purple silk pajamas sitting in bed with the covers pulled up to his chest, staring gravely into the camera. “Bitches, I have terrible, terrible news. I heard it from my acupuncturist whose niece is married to a paramedic up in Silicon Valley. Apparently, at approximately eight forty-five a.m. today, a call was placed to 911 that Hudson Finch, my sweet, sweet Hudson… Oh, I can’t! I can’t even say it,” Ferris moans, laying his head back on the stack of fluffy white pillows propping him up. He opens his eyes. “Got bit by a terrifying, deadly spider.”

He nods. “Yes, I know. I know, people. I’m scared too. I am, but rest assured, I’ve got all my little birds out listening for updates, and I will be right here in bed keeping vigil and waiting for word on how our Hudson is doing. There will be no segments today. I’m too upset to do segments. Except, maybe one and I don’t have the strength to make a graphic. It’s to the hospital staff. It’s called: You Better Fucking Save His Life.”

Ferris stares into the camera looking forlorn. “You better fucking save his life, bitches. I’m serious. Because there are millions of fans around the world who will never, ever get over his death. We’re talking Diana-level of sorrow. We need him. We need him. And only him.” Ferris’s voice cracks as he goes on, “So you save him, okay? Do whatever you have to, but just save Hudson. Please?”

Shaking his head, Ferris says, “Shut it off. I can’t go on.”

Beep. Beep. Beep.

What’s that sound? That’s annoying. I didn’t think there would be annoying beeps in Heaven.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Am I in hell? Couldn’t be. I haven’t been that bad. I mean, I did knock the gravy boat off the counter and lied about it, but still. Hell?

Beep.

It’s got to be hell. That is the most irritating sound ever.

“Shut that off, Satan. It’s too noisy,” I murmur.

“You’re waking up.”

No way is that voice the devil. She sounds like an angel so I must be in Heaven. Maybe it’s… “Mary?”

“Um, no, it’s me, Allie.”

Who the hell is Allie? I open my eyes a crack. Right, the astro-whatever-the-hell-she-is. She’s sitting in a recliner with her laptop, but when I open my eyes a little more, she gets up and walks over to the bed.

I smile at her. At least, I think I’m smiling. I can’t really feel my face at the moment. “Hey there.”

“Oh, you’ve got a little drool,” she says, grabbing a tissue and patting the skin next to my mouth.

Awesome. “Sorry about that,” I slur.

“Don’t apologize. Drooling is one of the symptoms,” she tells me. “I’m just glad you’re finally awake.”

I open my eyes fully, only to see I’m in a hospital bed and the sky has grown dark. The room is filled with balloons, flowers, and gift bags, which means word has obviously gotten out about my accident. Part of me knows I’m going to be very embarrassed about this, but at the moment I have no idea why.

It all starts rushing back to me in a very far-off, dreamy way. The spider. The bite. The pain. The ambulance. The ER team scrambling around and putting an IV in my arm. I look over to my right. It’s still there with a drip bag attached to a pole next to the bed. Glancing down, I see the sheet tented up. Right, that’s why I’m going to be embarrassed. Wait. Do I still have an erection? That can’t be a good sign. When I look back at Allie, she nods, her expression full of understanding.

“Yeah, apparently, that might take a while to go away,” she says. “Is it still quite painful? I can call for more meds.”

I shake my head a little and close my eyes, because apparently, shaking my head will make me dizzy. “I can’t feel anything, but shouldn’t that be gone by now?”

She chews on her bottom lip. “I would’ve thought so. The doctors here haven’t dealt with this particular spider bite before so they weren’t too sure how long it would take.”

“It’s a bit concerning.” And humiliating. So, so humiliating.

“Um, I have some hand cream in my bag. I could leave and you could … you know.”

This is by far the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Why couldn’t that spider have finished me off? I force myself to look at her. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Probably better to just let it run its course.”

“Right. Makes sense,” she says, making very deliberate eye-contact. “Oh, I called your brother and your parents. I just updated them on your … situation—well, not all your symptoms, but some of them. I figured I’d leave it to you to decide who to share that with. Also, I didn’t tell them about your nana’s gravy boat because in the big scheme of things, I don’t think they’ll care about something you did when you were a kid.”

“It was two years ago,” I say before I can stop myself.

She covers her mouth and stifles a laugh. “I just assumed.”

“Not my finest moment,” I answer. “Unlike today. I’m really killing it today.”

“You were a total hero today.” She stares at me. Her enormous dark brown eyes are completely mesmerizing. Or is that the drugs? Nope. It’s her. “Anyway, they said to say they love you, and your brother asked if you want him to come back. He said he could leave Oscar with someone named Pedro.” Pointing to my phone on the nightstand, she says, “I can call him back or hand you the phone so you can call him.”

Shaking my head, I say, “No, there’s no point in getting him to come all the way back up here. I’m going to be fine.” Wait. Am I going to be fine? “I am going to be fine, right?”

“Oh yeah, they were on it. They loaded you up with all kinds of drugs in record time.”

“Good stuff,” I say. “How long have I been asleep?”

“Um, about nine hours. They want to keep you here until … all your symptoms are gone,” she says. “Can I get you anything? Are you thirsty or hungry?”

I lay still for a second trying to figure out if I’m feeling either of those things. “Maybe a sip of water would be nice.”

“Sure, I’ll go get you some,” she says, standing up. “Oh, and I’ll tell the nurse you’re awake.”

I watch as she crosses the room and disappears out the door. While I wait, my mind wanders to the moment right before I got bit—to carrying her out of the office. I had my hand just under her ass, on her upper thigh, and even though it was an intensely insane moment, I can’t help but think about my reaction to holding her like that. It wasn’t personal or intimate … only, it was.

She walks back in with a woman in scrubs who’s carrying a glass of ice water. The woman says, “There he is. Our star patient.” She sets the glass on a nearby tray, then uses the switch to slowly raise the top half of my bed. As soon as I’m propped up, she passes me the water. “Go slow. I’m in no mood to clean up vomit.”

She grabs the blood pressure cuff off the wall, lifts my hand, and wraps the cuff around my upper arm. “I’m Tala. Let’s check your vitals, okay, hon?” Tala glances at my sheet tent. “Oh, I see he’s still up. Hmph.”

I look over at Allie, who whispers, “I’ll just wait outside.” She rushes out before I can tell her to stay. She might as well stay at this point. Besides, there’s something very comforting about her.

Tala glances at the door, then says, “Your girlfriend is very devoted to you. She hasn’t left your side since you came in.”

“Oh no, we’re not together.”

She pushes the button and the cuff starts tightening around my arm. “Why not? She’s a lovely girl.”

“We just met this week.”

“Shhh, don’t talk until this is done.”

I stare at the numbers as they go up on the machine, then when it beeps, she takes the cuff off and says, “Still a little high. You two would look great together and what a story you’ll have to tell your grandchildren.”

“No, it’s not like that. Our relationship is purely professional.”

“That’s what my husband and I used to say, until we finally gave in to what was obvious to everyone around us,” Tala says, placing the oxygen meter on my index finger. “Now, are you hungry? I can go scrounge you up some supper. It’s a Southwest chicken, bean, and rice bowl, which is one of the only edible things on the menu.”

“I’m not hungry, but can you bring a tray for Allie?”

“We’re not supposed to do that.”

Smiling at her, I say, “But you could, right? If we pretend I’m going to eat it? No one needs to know.”

Grinning at me, Tala says, “You’re trouble, aren’t you?” She shakes her head. “Fine, but this stays between us.”

“I promise I won’t breathe a word to anyone.”

She takes the clip off my finger, then starts for the door. “I’ll let your business associate know we’re all done and I’ll be back in a few minutes with your dinner.”

“Thank you.”

I lay my head back against the pillow, my mind floating aimlessly as I wait for Allie to come back. I think about what Tala said about us having a crazy story to tell our grandchildren. Then it hits me—what was going through my mind when I thought I was going to die. I’m thirty-nine years old and my most important relationship is with my brother.

Allie walks back in, looking a bit shy. She comes over and stands next to the bed. “Maybe I should take off. You know, let you have your privacy … and rest up.”

I stare at her, realizing the last thing I want right now is to be alone. “I’m sure you have better places to be, but would you mind staying?”