Love Signals: An opposites-attract, forced proximity, only one bed, revenge romantic comedy (Love St

15. Guy Talk & Loneliness…

Hudson

Instagram Reel:Hollywood Dish with Ferris Biltmore

The video starts up, showing an ecstatic-looking Ferris sitting behind his glass desk with a bottle of champagne. “Hello, bitches, it’s me, Ferris. As you can see, I’ve given up my in-bed vigil and I’ve gotten dressed, which can only mean one thing—my new segment: He’s Alive, Bitches!!”

The graphic appears above his head while Ferris screams, “He’s alive, bitches!!!! He pulled through. Hudson Finch is very much alive and well, which is a fucking miracle, since according to my nephew’s weirdo little gamer friend, a Brazilian wandering spider bite can take down a bull with ease. A freaking bull, people. A BULL!!! But our Hudson survived. And of course he did, because he’s superhuman. And in a way, this whole insane emergency is the perfect metaphor for his career. Because Hudson is a phoenix who will rise from the ashes and become a … phoenix again, making the best films to ever grace the big screen. He made it. We can go on.

“But he might not have. Which brings me to my next segment: What Were You Thinking Sending Him There?”

He shouts into the camera, “To Hudson’s team and the jackals at Galaxy Studios who, if you ask me, are responsible for this whole mess: What were you thinking sending him there? To the wilds of Silicon Valley? Putting his very life at risk like this? Did you think he’d be fine? Did you believe it was totally safe outside of L.A.? Did you not care if you risked his life? What? Do you have some hulking insurance policy on him or something? Hmm? Do you?” He scowls and raises one finger into the air. “You can suck my left nut for putting him in harm’s way. Suck it.

“And to those bitches out there still bitching because I haven’t spilled the tea on the engagement thing, I had better things to do, like praying to the god of all the gods while my Hudson’s life was hanging in the balance. The engagement is off, anyway. I heard it from my gardener’s uncle’s mistress, whose ex is a bartender at the Bev Hills Hotel pool. Apparently, he saw her hooking up with a certain director who she was married to back in the early 2000’s. But honestly, I can’t even because my world has been rocked to the core with almost losing Hudson. Which brings us to my next segment: Stay Safe, My Darling…”

Two Days Later

“Oscar, it’s me!” I’m on a video call with Gershwyn, who has positioned his phone so I can say hello to my little fluff ball, who is currently curled up in his bed. “It’s me, buddy. Hi!”

It’s Sunday morning and I’m bored out of my mind. I got released from the hospital on Friday afternoon and have been laying around the condo ever since. I’ve been on a call with Gersh for the last twenty minutes. I’ve told him all the gory (and terrifying) details of my spider bite and my hospital stay, and we’ve already gotten caught up on the important things like sports. So now that we’re out of topics, I’ve asked to see Oscar, because I’m desperate to stay on the phone. To be honest, the last thing I can face is another day alone.

Oscar opens his eyes halfway, glances around, but not at the screen, then closes them again. A second later, I’m staring at Gersh again.

“He looks skinny. Is he eating enough?”

Gersh rolls his eyes. “Dude, you can’t even see his body because he’s all balled up. And I promise you, he’s totally fine. Eating like a champion. We’ve been walking every day. But back to you, because I still can’t believe what happened to your dong.”

“Dong? What are we? Ten?”

“Hey, it’s a great word. We should totally bring it back, but stop trying to change the subject.”

“I’m not. We’re still talking about dongs, aren’t we?”

“Yes, but you’re not answering my question.”

Shrugging, I say, “That’s because you didn’t ask a question.”

“But the question was implied.”

“No it wasn’t. You said you can’t believe what happened to my dong.”

Gersh glares at me. “Which is a lead-in to a conversation. You’re supposed to say ‘I can’t believe it either,’ and then we talk about it.”

“I really don’t want to talk about it. Living through it once was bad enough,” I tell him.

He winces and shudders. “Just the thought of it makes me feel all queasy.”

“Same, which is why I’d like to change the subject.”

“Okay, but I just have to know one thing. Is it … working again?”

“Yup, it’s all systems go.” I give him a firm nod and a thumbs up.

“That’s gotta be a huge relief.”

“You have no idea,” I say. “Now, what are you up to today?”

“It’s better for you if I don’t tell you.”

“Oh shit, it’s a perfect surfing day, isn’t it?”

Gersh wrinkles up his nose. “Sorry, dude, but the waves are classic right now.”

I slump down a little on the couch, feeling totally defeated.

“But I’m sure you’ll have fun too.”

Shaking my head, I say, “How? I don’t know anyone here.”

“What about some of those nerds from the alien place? I bet none of them are busy.”

“That’s not nice,” I answer, feeling defensive on behalf of my new friends. “They’re actually pretty cool people. Well, except this one guy, Chad. But at least he knew what kind of spider bit me, which, now that I think about it, kind of makes him my hero.”

“So call him up. He’d probably love to hang out with you.”

“Urg, I don’t think I could handle him today. He’s a lot.”

“What about Allie?” he asks, waggling his eyebrows. “She had quite the sexy voice. I bet you could have a lot of fun with her.”

I narrow my eyes at him, feeling unreasonably irritated by his use of the word sexy to describe her. “Nah, she’s super busy with a project she’s doing. She’ll be going full-out all weekend because she lost a lot of time staying with me at the hospital.”

“So go help her.”

“I can’t help her. I don’t understand anything about what she’s doing.”

“Well, she’s gotta eat, right? Go feed her. That’ll save her some time.”

“She lives with her parents and they do this big meal every Sunday with all her relatives. In fact, she won’t even be able to work today because she has to help out in the kitchen all day to prepare for a special dinner they’re having.”

“Why do you know all of this?” he asks me.

“We got pretty close when I was in the hospital.”

A knowing grin crosses his face. “How close?”

“Not like that, you idiot. How was that supposed to happen when I was battling for my life?”

“Pfft, it was a spider bite.”

“A deadly one,” I tell him.

“Deadly for your dong, maybe.”

“My dong is just fine, thank you.”

“Ha! Made you say it.”

“Oh my God, you really are ten.”

“Hey, I like to have fun, so sue me,” Gersh says. “Speaking of fun, the waves are calling me.”

“Bastard.”

“You’re just jealous.”

“Damn right I am. Go have fun.”

“Will do. Later, dude.”

“Yup.”

I end the call, then look around the pristine condo. No way am I going to spend the rest of the day here. It’s the loneliest place on the planet. No family, no dogs, no waves to ride. My mind wanders back to Allie, and I wonder how she’s doing. She must be busy helping out in the kitchen even though she should be hunched over her laptop. I picture her in a house dress and apron (because apparently it’s 1950 in my fantasy world). She’s got her hair pinned up and she’s wiping her forehead with the back of her arm while she stirs an enormous pot of pasta sauce. She looks gorgeous in my fantasy, by the way. Suddenly the room is cleared of everyone else and it’s just the two of us. I walk up behind her, wrap my arms around her waist and plant slow kisses on her neck and slowly lift her skirt with one hand.

And those are the thoughts that have been torturing me since we shared a cab from the hospital on Friday. I cannot for the life of me get her out of my mind. Not that I’m trying all that hard.

I stand up and walk over to the patio doors and stare out at the gardens below for a second, feeling completely restless. Here I am with a ton of energy and nothing to do, and there she is trying to juggle more than one person can handle. If only there was something I could do to make her life easier.

Huh, maybe there is…