Chapter Thirty-Three Violet
Chapter Thirty-Three
Violet
Montana had come over late last night after calling to check on me, and she found I was spiraling with worry. She’d spent the night with me, and I was grateful she was here.
“Did you finally sleep?” she asked when I padded out to the kitchen.
She poured me a cup of coffee and handed it to me.
“Yes. I got some sleep. I’m so sorry for keeping you up so late.”
“Stop, Vi. This is what friends do for each other. You’ve always been there for me. I know it’s hard for you to ask for help, but I want to be there for you.” She came to sit on the barstool beside me.
“Well, thank you. You helped me a lot. I wanted to pack my bags and leave the country last night.” I chuckled. “I don’t know why I always want to leave when I mess up.”
“First of all. You’re being too hard on yourself. You didn’t mess up. You took her down a slide. You were with her. You can’t help that some lunatic children jumped on behind you and rolled on top of her,” she said, shaking her head in disbelief.
“Charlie knew she was too small to go down that slide, and I’m the one who promised to keep her safe,” I reminded her.
“You wanted to do this for her, because she wanted to go down that damn slide so badly. And honestly, the demon is getting a bad rap. This accident has nothing to do with the slide. It was caused by a bunch of wild kids who fell on top of her. You couldn’t have stopped that, and neither could Charlie.
” She paused to sip her coffee. “If you’re going to be in a relationship with a man who has a child, you’re going to be very involved in Harper’s life.
So sometimes things are going to happen.
They will happen with Charlie too. No one is perfect, Vi. ”
A tear ran down my cheek, and I swiped it away. “Look at me. I cry all the time now. This is why I’m not good at relationships. It’s too much for me. Too much room for error, you know? Harper is in a freaking cast, Monny. Because of me.”
“Harper is in a freaking cast because she’s a kid and sometimes kids get hurt.
You shielded her the best you could. You hung on to her all the way down that slide, and you’ve got bruises on your back from where you had a pile of kids on top of you.
You called 911. You got her to the hospital.
You did everything you could to keep her safe.
Because you love her.” She reached for my hands.
“And you cry more now because you’re actually feeling things.
You just think you aren’t good at relationships because you’re so used to being let down by the people in your life.
They’ve made you feel like you did something wrong.
And that’s deeply ingrained in your mind, but it’s not true, Vi.
You’re amazing. Charlie knows it. Harper knows it.
Everyone who loves you knows it. It’s only you who doesn’t know it. ”
I sighed. I was exhausted.
Knowing I’d allowed the little girl I loved more than life itself to get hurt, as well as letting down the man who felt like forever—it was heavy and exhausting.
“I just think I’m doomed when it comes to love.
” I shrugged. “I mean, my own father left me before I was born. He hadn’t even met me yet, and he was one foot out the door.
And then my mother’s blamed me my whole life for running off the only man she ever loved.
And don’t even get me started about Missy.
” I shook my head as the tears continued to fall.
“Okay, let’s dissect this a bit, yeah?” She gave me a knowing look.
“Your father left his pregnant wife. That had nothing to do with you. He had an affair and fell in love with another woman. He ditched his unborn baby and never looked back. That says a whole lot about his character and nothing about yours.”
“He really is a selfish bastard, isn’t he?” I sipped my coffee and waited for her to continue.
“Your mother suffered a broken heart. We’ve all been there.
But she then gives birth to her only child, and she blames her baby for her own unhappiness.
Clearly there were some issues in their relationship long before you arrived if he was willing to leave her while she was pregnant.
And her making the choice to turn to the bottle and be a complete asshole most of your life is, again, her choice, her character.
It has nothing to do with you.” She swiped at the tear rolling down her cheek now. “You know what your character says?”
“‘Let’s go on the slide that your father said you weren’t old enough to go down’?” I said, my tone laced with sarcasm.
“No, Vi. It says that you care. You stick by people that don’t even deserve you.
You showed up for Velveteen on her wedding day, even though she’s been a complete dick to you your whole life.
You help your mother financially, even though she’s completely ungrateful.
Because your heart is so big.” She sniffed several times.
“Great. Now I’ve made you cry. I’m such a downer right now,” I croaked.
She chuckled. “Stop it. Listen to me. You love Charlie and Harper. Don’t run from that.
It’s a good thing. I’ve watched you fall so hard for both of them, and it’s been so beautiful to see.
The way he looks at you. The way she looks at you.
The way you look at them. It’s rare and it’s special.
But it’s also fragile, and sure, you’re going to make mistakes.
Everyone does. My God, Myles left me and went back home.
Do you know how much that hurt? But he figured it out.
And I love him even more for realizing that we belong together.
Don’t run, Vi. Just keep showing up, okay? ”
“I’m scared,” I whispered. And that was what was at the crux of all of this.
Fear.
“What are you afraid of?”
“Letting down the two people that I love most. What if it had been worse yesterday? What if she’d broken her neck?”
“But it wasn’t. Put it in perspective. It was a playground accident.
I went down that slide when I was five years old.
Charlie was being overprotective, building it up into this big thing.
He knows that. He doesn’t blame you. He asked you to come over last night.
He told you that he loves you. He’s not going anywhere. You’re the only one running.”
“Why wouldn’t he leave me after this? People have left me for much less.” I shrugged because it was the truth.
“Because that’s not Charlie. It was an accident. People don’t leave when things are challenging. That’s not how love works, Vi. Not real love. What you have with him is real. And you have to trust that.”
“I don’t know if I can,” I said, the tears falling once again.
Because fear could be all-consuming sometimes.
And when you loved as fiercely as I loved Charlie and Harper, the fear of losing them was just as fierce.
Fear and love weren’t all that different.
They were both powerful. Both extreme.
“Well, that’s what you’re going to have to figure out. But I’m here to tell you that it’s going to be a lonely life if you’re too afraid to love and to be loved.”
“I love you,” I said, arching a brow.
“Do you know how many times I had to chase after you the first year after we met? Every time we had a spat, you’d go MIA,” she said over her laughter.
“I have a hard time getting close to people sometimes.” I groaned. “Why is life so hard for me?”
“You’re making it harder than you have to. Just stop jumping to the worst conclusions. When you make a mistake, just say sorry. You’re human,” she said.
“Don’t insult me. You make me sound so average.” I smiled for the first time since I picked Harper up from school yesterday.
My best friend had a way of calming me down.
She laughed and moved to her feet before wrapping her arms around me. “There she is. I love you, bestie.”
“Love you more.”
There was a knock on the door, and I padded over to open it.
“Ditch day!” Blakely said as she walked in with a box of doughnuts and two grocery bags full of treats. “Let’s watch chick flicks and eat all the junk food.”
These two were my ride or dies.
They knew when I was down, and they always showed up.
“Are we really all not working today?” I asked, unpacking the grocery bags and laughing as I unloaded the giant bag of Skittles, licorice, orange slices, chocolate bars, and three different kinds of chips.
“Damn straight. I told Blakely to put a sign on the door that we’re closed.” Montana pulled the last thing out of the bag and made a face. “All this crap and then you tossed in string cheese?”
“Hey, I figured we’d need some protein, right? Keep the balance.”
“Makes sense to me,” I said.
“Charlie stopped by the office during the two minutes I was there to put a sign on the door,” Blakely said, arching a brow as she looked at me. “He looked pretty concerned when I told him you weren’t coming in.”
I glanced down at my phone and saw the text from him. I’d messaged him again at 5:00 a.m., knowing he wasn’t up yet, but I’d been worried. I’d asked him to be sure to let me know how Harper was feeling in the morning.
Charles: She slept through the night and said she feels good. She wants to go to school and show off her cast. But we both miss you. Come home, Firefly.
Was he really not angry at me about this?
I deserved to be pushed away after what I’d done.
“What did you tell him?” I asked, my thumb tracing over the screen where I’d read his message.
“I told him that we were having a girls’ day. That I’d bought a ton of junk food, and we were going to just hang at your place and watch movies. He nodded and gave me this look like someone ran over his puppy before he left.”
“I figured he’d wake up this morning and realize I’d convinced him to trust me when he shouldn’t have, and he’d ignore me for the rest of my life. I don’t know. Maybe I thought that because I don’t forgive myself yet.”