The pain in her chest increased, waking Lizzy from sleep. Dr. Safder mentioned sometimes women experienced nerve and phantom pain. She didn’t care which one woke her up, she only knew she hurt like hell.
She pulled the covers off and padded to the bathroom to get her other medication and fill her cup with water. She flipped on the light, blinking at the sudden intrusion of brightness in her eyes. She made her way over to the medication cabinet as she clutched an arm over her chest in discomfort. Reaching for the bottle of pills, she clamped her jaw shut from making any noise as the painful sensation ripped through her body. It hurt in places she didn’t know existed and she wanted to climb back into bed. She stifled a yawn as she struggled with the childproof lids on the bottle for a moment before prying it loose. Taking two tablets, she closed the bottle and placed it back on the shelf.
She ran water from the tap and reached for her cup to fill it when she noticed her hair sticking out in the oddest way. She resembled a wet duck on top. Her hand immediately went to the strands to smooth them down as she swallowed the pills, held the cup to her mouth, and swallowed the cool liquid. She felt something on her fingertips and sat the cup on the counter as she leaned forward and inspected her head. Her hand pulled away and she glanced down to find a chunk of hair between her fingers. Reaching for her brush, Lizzy frantically attempted to cover the bare spot on the side of her head. The instrument revealed even more lose strands. A little cry escaped her. She emptied the locks into the garbage and closed her eyes hoping she was only dreaming. Cancer already stole her breasts, now her hair. Tears pooled in her eyes as she inspected the damage. She always kept it short as a defense mechanism from childhood. She learned early on kids struggled to pull her hair if she kept it cut short. Her hand came back with chunks from various places. She pulled out the garbage can as more and more fell around her shoulders, the sink, and onto the floor. A sob escaped her, and she slid to the floor. She held a clump in her hand close to her chest. Not sure if the pain she felt now came from her heart or the nerve pain from earlier. Tears flowed down her cheek as she banged her head against the cabinet door. Damn it, life kept punching her down every time she stood up. She might stay down this time.
A knock on her bedroom door caught her attention.
“Lizzy, is everything all right? I thought I heard a noise.” Michael’s voice drifted through the wall.
Alarmed, she hastily scooted to the bathroom door and turned the lock. A minute later he tried the knob to the bathroom door, finding it bolted. She muffled her cries with a towel. She didn’t want him to see her like this. She tried breathing in and out until she thought her voice sounded almost normal.
“I’m fine, Michael. Can you call Kassie for me, please?” she called out and placed the towel over her mouth again to keep from outright crying.
Michael stayed silent for a moment, and she hoped he’d search for her phone alongside the bed.
Kassie will help her figure out what to do. She kept her hands from straying to her head thinking if she didn’t touch it, maybe they stood a chance of salvaging some of it. Deep down she knew it was a lost cause, a side effect of her chemotherapy and the hope of saving it, useless.
“Lizzy, open the door,” Michael softly commanded.
“Please, Michael, please call her.” This time she didn’t try to keep the sob from her voice.
“Lizzy Bee, listen to me. I want you to open the door for me,” Michael’s voice sounded calm and low. Maybe it seemed it did because her blood pounded in her ears.
“I can’t. Please ask her to come,” she begged.
Silence remained on the opposite side of the door as she cried into the towel.
“I know you’re scared, Lizzy Bee. I saw your pillow. It happens with most chemo patients, sweetheart. I’ve seen it with the kids I’ve treated. Can you come to the door and let me help you?” Michael assured her.
“I don’t want you to see this. Please, Michael, I’m begging you please call Kassie.” She no longer held back the panic or fear she felt inside. She couldn’t breathe. Her body felt weary, yet she endured the pain, nausea, chills, and loss of appetite. She laid down on the cool tile of the floor and closed her eyes and her will to fight left her body. She no longer wanted to stay in a world where she didn’t belong. Memories of Conner’s first days at home flooded her mind and she smiled to herself as she thought about getting to see her son again.
* * *
Michael banged on the door.“Lizzy? Lizzy answer me!” he demanded.
He glanced over to her pillow where tufts of hair covered the pillowcase. He swallowed and closed his eyes, praying he carried enough strength for both of them. He heard the devastation in her voice. The heartbreak sounded through the door.
“Lizzy, open this door.” Michael pleaded desperately. When she refused to respond, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up as if alerting him to her giving up.
Michael’s shoulder hit the door. He rammed it again, harder. The door burst open from the frame and bounced off the wall on the other side. Lizzy’s still form lay on the floor. He dropped to his knees beside her and felt her pulse. His blood raced through his veins as he reassured himself, she lived. He gently turned her over to see her face. Her eyes fluttered open and he witnessed the devastation and loss in them.
He scanned the chunks around the sink and the floor and noticed her brush. He scooped her up and headed toward the living room. Determined to change the sheets before she discovered the strands on her pillow, he sat down in the recliner with her in his lap.
“Come back to me, sweetheart. I refuse to let you go; do you hear me? It’s only hair. I promise you it’ll come back. Hear me out and if you still want me to call Kassie, I will. You told me we lived independent lives, and we never experienced any marital strife other couples go through. You’re right, we did live separate lives. I took on too much, hoping to save every kid in this world. When I accepted the humanitarian mission, I realized how much I missed you. I knew we needed to make changes and planned to talk to you after Conner’s birth. I never thought I’d end up held captive, and you alone to bury our son. Never did I think of walking away from you. I. Love. You. Do you hear me?”
Lizzy lay motionless in his arms. As if she gave up on life altogether. Michael pulled her to his bare chest.
“Losing Conner hurt like hell. Your leaving me, destroyed me, Lizzy Bee. If you go, then cut out my heart and take it with you. Cause I don’t think I can do this again. I spent a year searching for you. You can say you left to save me, but it’s not true. You don’t feel like you’re enough. You don’t need to be perfect for me to love you. No matter what you do or what you resemble, I’m not deserting you,” Michael desperately confessed.
Her head moved slightly; a slight sniff indicated she listened to him.
“You moved from foster home to foster home. You worried about whether the next family would love you enough to keep you, and then you got shuffled through the system. Guess what, Lizzy Bee, the buck stops right here. We found ours. It starts with me and you. We’ve been blessed with friends who’ve helped me care for you. If you run now, you’ll miss the one family who wants you more than anything.”
“I don’t know if I can do this again, Michael. I struggled to do it before, and this is worse,” she softly sobbed.
“Last time, you did it all alone. This time, you got me, Lizzy Bee. Give me a chance to prove to you, baby, you’re enough. No matter what happens, I’m sticking to your side.”
Lizzy’s breath caught as his gaze bore into her. “I’m scared, Michael,” she confessed.
He softly kissed her temple. “I know, sweetheart, I’m asking you not to run. Give me a chance. Let me love you through it because a love like ours is always worth fighting for.”
Lizzy absorbed his words. Slowly she raised herself from his chest and sat up higher. He watched her wearily, wondering what she planned to do. Her arms looped around his neck, and she clung to him for dear life.
He pulled her closer and held on to her tightly as he closed his eyes in relief. A tear ran down his cheek when he heard her whisper, “I love you. And I’ll fight for you and our family.”