Chapter 19
19
LUKE
“I n…and out…” Brad says.
With my eyes shut, my legs crossed in a meditation pose, I focus on my breathing.
After the meeting, Seth and Cody headed out, leaving Brad and me alone in the cellar. Considering the shit we’ve done throughout the weekend—moving objects with my mind, levitating, though not as impressively as I did the first time we fucked—I was expecting the next task to be something a little more interesting than a guided meditation.
“In and out…”
How does he think I’m supposed to concentrate on my breathing when I have so much on my mind? And it’s not just the meeting and the chatter about the Moment and the changing visions that are spinning around in my head, but everything I’ve learned I can now do by messing around with Brad.
As he starts to prompt me again, I open my eyes. He’s sitting cross-legged between me and the mirror. “Brad…please tell me there’s more to this than concentrating on my breaths.”
“You want me to lie?”
“That’s what causes this big moment? Some dumb meditation?”
“You seem skeptical, but it really does work. It’s how all of us were able to quiet enough to have the experience.”
“Can you stop acting like the Moment is an actual thing?”
“Okay, this was why I thought we shouldn’t jump right into it.”
I hate that he’s reminding me I was the one who pushed.
“You’re upset, Luke. I get it. You have a lot to think about. Now you know what you need to do, so let’s take a break.”
“Take a break? I have to try and stop people from getting murdered. I need to figure this out ASAP.”
“You won’t be able to as long as you’re frustrated. I promise you that. And considering we were able to get there with a fraction of your power, you’re gonna be fine. I promise you that too.”
I grunt. Fuck him for being right.
“Hey.” He reaches out, rests his hand on my thigh. “I understand this is a lot.”
His words set me off. “No, you fucking don’t. You guys were dicking around with this shit when you started. And I got dropped in the middle of it during what could become a killing spree, so it’s a little more stressful.”
“That was bad wording on my part. I’m sorry. You’re right. I can’t understand what you’re going through.”
Now I’m even more pissed. “And you won’t fight with me, so I can’t even chew you out to get some of this stress off my chest.”
He shrugs. “If you need someone to argue with, I can text Seth and get him to come back.”
He starts like he’s about to get up, but I grab his hand. “Don’t you fucking dare,” I say, and as he shoots me a sneaky look, I can’t help smiling.
“Damn you for being so charming.”
“You like when I’m charming.”
We lean toward each other, and when our lips meet, some of my tension dissipates.
Brad growls before shifting, getting on his knees and guiding me onto my back for a quick make-out session, which unlike my attempts at quieting my mind, helps dissolve all my confusion and frustration.
When he pulls his lips away, he trails kisses along my jaw.
“I like training like this a lot better,” I confess.
He chuckles, his warm breath tingling against my skin before he relaxes on his side, gazing at me. “Better?”
“Much better.” Which gives me an idea. “Maybe you could fuck me real quick and then we get back to it.”
“Our fucking is taking a toll on your life. You thought you were gonna have to get an extension on that homework assignment. And then you had that deadline today for the group project—”
“Both of which I managed to get done.”
As on top of my work as I usually am, this has been more than a little distracting.
“Oh, I remember. I was watching you at the end of the bed last night while you were keying away on that laptop, toying with me with that hint of ass crack slipping out of your boxers.”
The way he looks at me, it’s like he knows I’d tucked it down just for him. To keep it on his mind. So he’d be good and ready for me when I finished.
“Guess we’ve learned a little bit more about each other these past few days,” I say.
“What have you learned about me?”
“On top of being a very generous lover, you’re a diligent flosser. A big fan of Dua Lipa. And you always make sure to respond to texts when they’re from your mom.”
His gaze narrows. “Aren’t you observant?”
Or obsessed. I blame the Lust, but I know that’s not entirely the case.
“Hard not to pick up on a few things when we spent all that time together this weekend.”
“Like how I couldn’t help noticing that you watch too many funny TikToks and have your alarm tunes set to Taylor Swift and Zach Bryan.”
There’s something exciting about hearing the little things he’s picked up on. Knowing he gives enough fucks to have paid attention.
“Look who’s also observant,” I tease before planting another kiss on him.
His hand gravitates to my ass, gripping firmly. “I guess the next question is: how does my Straight Boy want to be fucked right now?”
A few ideas spring to mind, but one in particular catches me by surprise. “Actually…I have a better idea.”
His brows shift. “Does it end with my dick in your ass, because that’s probably the only way I’m gonna be okay with it.”
I grin. I love that he’s just as obsessed with our fucks as I am. “It definitely ends with your dick in my ass, but it doesn’t start there.”
“I’m listening…”
“You hungry?”
“If you think I’ve been eating regular meals since all this started, you don’t know me at all.”
“Then I guess I do know you because we were messing around as soon as we got out of classes at four, and between that and coming here, I know the only thing you’ve had to eat, and I don’t think it’s enough calories to keep a person alive.”
“At least it’s a snack for me,” he says. “But it can’t be any use where I’m putting it away.”
I chuckle. “I wanna make a joke about how you can get it in my mouth too, but if I told you that’s where I wanted it, you’d know I was lying, wouldn’t you?”
A grin sweeps across his face. “You know damn well I’d know.”
It’s annoying that he knows, but I love it too.
“You ever been to that pizza place off Breznel?” I ask.
“A few times.”
“They happen to have calzones?”
“I wouldn’t go if they didn’t.”
I smile. “Well, good. Then I guess you can take me there.”
He winces, then moves closer, until his lips are inches from mine. “Luke Waters, you asking me out on a date?”
“I asked if you knew that pizza place. But I wasn’t asking you on a date.”
He eyes me suspiciously.
“I was telling you we’re going on a date.”
He laughs. “You dork.”
“Hey, I’m not the one who likes a sexy dork.”
He blushes, and God, this is one of only a handful of times I’ve seen Brad Henning blush about something. It’s adorable.
“I’ll go on a date with you, Straight Boy.”
Now I’m the one blushing.
We get off the floor and grab our things. Brad leads me on a shortcut through the woods to the main road, and we wind up a few blocks from the pizza place. Once there, we order at the front, then settle in a booth, placing the coiled stand with our numbers displayed for the server.
The place is pretty busy, which isn’t surprising. I recognize some kids from St. Lawrence, and there are older couples and some families I imagine live in downtown Lawrenceville.
“You like a lot of meat in your calzone,” I note, since he got steak and sausage in his.
Is it weird that I like finding out shit like this about him?
“And you prefer to keep it simple with pepperoni and cheese.”
“With all that’s going on in my life, I love the idea of playing it safe with my calzone.”
He raises his hands in surrender. “Fair point.” He sizes me up. “So how are you feeling? From today’s meeting, I mean.”
“Feels better now that everyone’s talking.”
“I figured.”
“But it was also frustrating that I didn’t have much to contribute to a conversation that was about me. Made me feel like a tool you guys are using rather than someone who can actively help.”
His brow creases. “We just happen to know more about what’s going on. Hell, you’re picking up more about this than any of us did back when we first stumbled upon it.”
It doesn’t cheer me up. Although, knowing that every moment that passes could lead to us seeing another missing person report in the news, wondering if it’s connected to that creature, doesn’t help either.
“We’re all figuring this out as we go,” Brad says, and I nod. “Anyway, forget I brought it up. How about we pretend for the next hour that we don’t know anything about the Sinners’ bible or the Rift or powers or the Moment?”
“I don’t know how good I’ll be at this game,” I confess. I doubt I’ll be able to stop thinking about those things. Feels like there’s a weight on me; like it’s hard to breathe.
Brad reaches across the table, sets his hand on mine, gripping gently. His touch feels so supportive, so comforting. It’s different than how we usually spend our time together, when we let raw, wild passion possess us.
It’s nice.
I rub my thumb along his finger, and our gazes meet before he smirks.
“This is…uh…weird for me,” he says. “Putting my hand on yours like this.”
But he doesn’t pull away.
“Weird like you’re wondering why you did it, or weird like you’re surprised you like it?”
“Both, maybe,” he says with a chuckle. “I don’t really date. Just have fun. Prefer to keep it that way. Because of the shit with my family, I have a hard time getting close to people.”
“That makes sense.”
“You’ve had girlfriends, so I guess this is something you’re used to.”
“The last girlfriend I had was freshman year of high school. That was before Mom passed.” I cringe. “I can’t believe I just said that. I fucking hate when people say ‘passed.’ Died. She fucking died.”
Brad’s eyes widen.
“Sorry, after my parents died, people kept saying things like how they ‘passed’ or ‘moved on.’ I was ten when Dad had the aneurysm. It was hard to let it sink in, and words like that didn’t help me grasp what was going on. That he was never coming back. I was fourteen when Mom died, and I kept repeating to myself that she was dead so that it’d get through. I didn’t want to have any fantasy that she was going to walk through the door and give me a hug because no matter how many times I wished or prayed for it with Dad, it never worked.”
Brad tightens his hold. I can feel his support and compassion, but I want to blow past this awkward moment I created.
“Anyway, after she died, I broke it off with the girl I was seeing. I needed time to myself. I would mess around with girls, but not go on dates or anything. I guess…I guess I just had this feeling that if I did get close to someone else, then…” I don’t finish my sentence; he can fill in the blanks.
“I can understand that,” he says, but then his expression twists up. “Fuck, I ran right into that same mistake as earlier. I can’t understand what you went through—”
“I get what you’re saying, Brad. It was thoughtful of you. I’m sorry I jumped on you earlier.”
“You get to pay me back for how we started off…maybe for another week or two,” he jokes, rubbing his thumb against my hand again. “I know I said it was weird, but it also feels right.”
As I roll my hand over, he loosens his grip, and when the back of my hand’s on the table, he grips it again.
“ Really right,” he whispers, so low it’s almost like he didn’t intend for me to hear. He gulps, then his breath hitches, his gaze wavering before he says, “Luke, I like you.”
“If I couldn’t tell that from this weekend, I’d be pretty dense.”
“No, beyond that stuff. Certainly doesn’t hurt that we have fun in the bedroom, but I like getting to know you. I like when you talk to me about your past and share things that don’t have anything to do with the Sinners. Back when we started messing around, I knew it was the Lust drawing me to you, and maybe that’s still true physically, but what I’m interested in now is beyond that.”
Since he’s confessed what he’s experiencing, I don’t hold back either. “It’s that way for me too.”
He continues running his thumb back and forth across my skin, gazing into my eyes, when the server arrives with our calzones.
We release each other to grab our silverware and start eating.
“Cut me off a piece of yours,” I tell Brad.
“Really? I thought you were sticking to playing it safe tonight.”
“Eh, I was thinking I’ve had a good time experimenting recently.” I wink at him, and a smile sweeps across his face.
Yes, I’ve had very good experiences. And looking forward to many more.
*
The next two days, Brad and I don’t meet up just to fuck around.
Or, not only to fuck around.
As this Sinners stuff becomes more involved, I realize I have to find a way to make it work with school, so we schedule a study hour at the library, and if I’m real good and get all my work done, Brad shows me a good time in the fourth-floor bathroom.
Since our date, things have been different between us. We’ve been more playful in bed. There’s been more jokiness and teasing between all that. I can let my guard down around him. Be myself.
Of course, if only the days were just about fucking, school, and spending time together. Unfortunately, I still have to make my attempts at meditating to receive this magical Moment that…doesn’t seem to be happening, and with each day that passes, I become increasingly concerned.
On Thursday, Brad and I are in the church cellar, in our familiar seated positions. I’ve gotten better about steadying my breathing, concentrating, but my thoughts are as cluttered as ever. There’s so much to think about.
All the interactions I had with the guys initially.
The bizarre conversations we’ve shared.
The horrifying vision and seeing that monster hunting that poor guy.
Not for the first time since we started meditating, a familiar image springs to mind.
Dark hair.
Sharp jawline.
Kind eyes.
Dad’s face.
Not the one I was used to seeing growing up, but from pictures I saw of him taken when he was around my age. I can see him, vividly, as he sits down in the cellar with the Sinners’ bible in his hands, studying the information Dobbers received from the Guides.
What did he think about all this? What was his experience? I get why he never mentioned it to his kid, but did he tell Mom?
Then suddenly, the images shift to my past.
“Daddy’s not okay, sweetie,” Mom says.
And I know in an instant what she means, but I still ask, “He’ll be okay, though, right?”
But even then, I knew better.
A tightness twists in my chest before it burns like a fire. Tears slide from my eyes. “No,” I whisper. Please, not that.
“Luke?”
As I feel Brad’s hand on my thigh, I force my eyes open. My body trembles, and I break out in a cold sweat. “I need a moment,” I confess.
He sizes me up. “What’s wrong, Luke? What happened?”
“That stuff Cody picked at in the shower? It came up again. The same memory of the day my mom told me my dad wasn’t going to be okay. It was…rough.”
And I can’t shake that shit. It lingers, tormenting me, cruelly, with one of the more horrifying days of my life.
“Of course it was.” Brad gazes at me for a few moments before scooting closer and hooking an arm around me. Despite how soothing his hold is, there’s a searing pain in my chest, one that doesn’t get better.
And the tears come again.
I turn to Brad, wrapping my arm around him and pulling him close.
He rubs my back. “I’m here. It’s okay.”
As comforting as his hold is, I know it’s not okay.
Nothing about losing them will ever be okay.