Lust (Saints & Sinners #1)

Chapter 23

23

LUKE

T here he is, the burned man Cody told me about, crawling across the ground.

Does he see me? Is he coming for me?

I fear how quickly he moves toward me, wide-eyed, his jaw shifting about wildly. But as he nears, he rolls onto his back. His blistering skin is black as coal, except for streaks of red between creases. He writhes in agony, eyes closed as he forces a few breaths.

He reaches up, opening his eyes, looking right at me with familiar blue irises.

At first, my instinct is that I know this man. These eyes are so familiar.

And with that comes a much deeper understanding.

This isn’t just a man—it’s me.

Flesh and blood charred black.

Struggling in excruciating pain.

Is this my fate?

When I first came to after the vision, I was so shaken I could hardly think straight. After recovering from the shock and discussing it with Brad, I was relieved he hadn’t made the connection, but as we talked with the guys, I realized it was too weighty a secret to keep from him.

I knew if I told him, he wouldn’t want me to help take on the Slasher, but something in me knows as deeply as I knew those were my eyes that I must do this.

Over the next two days, we prepare for Saturday night. A part of me believes it’s too soon, but another part knows nothing can prepare us for what we’re about to face.

Before this realization, my time with Brad has felt as though we’ve been in our own little world, outside of time…and when we fuck, even losing track of space as we’re only sensation and passion. Now time races by, slipping from our grasp as it hurtles us toward Saturday night.

I consider skipping my classes, but they’re the only thing keeping me from losing my goddamn mind.

Before I head out to the old church to execute our plan, I FaceTime with Dan.

A familiar pang of guilt knots up in me. I should have called him right after I discovered I was the man in my vision. But I couldn’t bring myself to talk to him, to look at him.

I’ve been torn between my desire to see the man I love nearly as much as I loved my parents, and the fear that if I spoke with him too soon, I’d fucking lose it and he’d know something’s wrong. Even worse, he’s been looking forward to this work conference in Maui, and I don’t want to fuck up his good time because of all this shit going on in my life right now.

Just keep it together.

When he answers, he’s lying in his hotel bed. He must’ve placed his phone in his mount because he’s relaxed, not struggling with making sure he’s framed right.

“Hey, Luke. How’s it goin’?” He sounds so at ease. More so than normal. Blissfully unaware of the nightmare my life has become.

“Hey, good.” The knot in my gut twists even more from the lie. “How’s Hawaii?”

He tells me about how beautiful it is, removing his phone from the mount and taking me over to the window to show me his view.

I can feel the tears creeping up.

A flash of a memory comes back to me: Dan in the hospital, approaching me to tell me about Mom. His voice trembled. His eyes watered. I know how hard he was trying to keep it together for me, wanting to make one of the most agonizing moments of my life bearable.

Now it’s time for me to do the same.

Deep, steady breaths. Just like Brad taught me during our meditation sessions.

But even trying to keep it together, it tears me up knowing that, regardless of how I manage this conversation, I’m still putting myself in harm’s way, setting him up for another loss.

He’s sharing some office gossip that’s bled into the trip, but as he places his phone back on the stand, he winces, studying my expression. “You sure you’re all right?”

“Yeah. Just been a hectic week with school.”

“What’s up? Talk to me.”

Now the tears I felt creeping up are trying to break free. I battle them back, proud of myself for how I keep them from falling as I say, “Nothing too bad. Just some friend drama.”

“Okay…well, if you want to talk about it, I have plenty of time. Finished up my last meeting twenty minutes ago.”

I do want to talk to you, Dan. But I can’t.

I shake my head. “I’ll figure it out.”

And I really hope that’s true.

I try to think up a way out of this when a thought springs to mind. “You know, I’ve met someone…”

I’m not just telling him to distract from what he’s caught on to, but because I genuinely want him to know, especially if anything happens to me tonight.

His eyes widen with excitement. “Really?”

I nod. “His name’s Brad.”

Considering I’ve never said anything about being interested in guys—haven’t even known that about myself—I wait to gauge Dan’s response.

He blinks a few times. “Oh…that’s not what I was expecting you to say.”

“You and me both.”

He opens his mouth, clearly struggling, but then says, “I appreciate your sharing that with me. Is he nice?”

“Long story short, he was a dick to me when I first got here, but then I found out there was a misunderstanding, and after that we hit it off. He’s cool. More than that…” I have feelings for him—strong feelings for someone I haven’t known all that long.

“Well, now I’m gonna have to meet him, you know. See for myself if this guy is worthy of you.”

“Oh, he’s definitely worthy,” I assure him. “And I definitely want you to meet him.” The truth pulses through me as I say the words.

But Dan’s expression twists up. “This thing that’s on your mind, was it about telling me you had feelings for a guy?”

“Um…sure,” I say, since that gives me an out. “Anyway, I’ll tell you all about it when you get back from your trip. In the meantime, I’d rather hear about what you’re gonna be up to over the weekend.”

“Okay, but if you do want to talk more about this, whenever you’re comfortable, I’m here. I’m always here for you.”

Don’t I know it. That’s what makes this so hard.

“Thank you,” I say before insisting he change the subject, so he tells me about his plans as well as some shows he wants to catch up on. I bask in the moment, cherishing this time I have left with him, wishing I could give him a great big hug for the amazing man he’s been to me.

I check the time on my phone. Nearly a quarter to eight. About time to head out.

“I’m off to a party soon, but I wanted to call and…” I don’t know how to say this without being awkward as fuck, but it’s not something I can go without saying. I don’t want to be burned to a crisp, about to lose my life, wishing desperately I’d taken better advantage of this moment. “I want to thank you for always being here for me,” I blurt out. “For taking me in and being a great guardian. I know that couldn’t have been easy, and I know you didn’t have to. It means the world to me that you did.”

As I make eye contact with Dan, I see the light catching the tears in his eyes. “Well, Luke, it was hell what happened to you as a kid. Something no one so young should ever have to deal with. And as unexpected or difficult as it may have been for me, and as much as I may have struggled to figure out the right things to do or say, being in your life has been the greatest honor of my life. Seeing you growing into a young man, well, it makes me proud to be here to see it. I know your parents would have been just as proud, and they’d want you to know that. And they’d want you to know they’d love you just as you are.”

Keep it together , I urge myself, but I’m fighting a losing battle. My face spasms, my chin quivering as the tears break free, sliding down my cheeks in quick succession. I turn away from my phone, but it’s too late.

“I should probably get ready for that party.”

“Luke?”

“Sorry, I just miss them and have been thinking about them a lot lately.”

I hope he buys that that’s the only reason, but his forehead’s wrinkled up with worry.

“I love you, Dan.”

“I love you, Luke. Always.”

When I hang up, losing that image of him, I accept that might very well have been the last time I ever chat with him.

The guilt knotting in my gut intensifies, and I let the tears flow freely, taking my time with them so that I can get it all out before meeting the guys.

*

After I recover from my conversation with Dan, I meet up with Brad and we head out to the old church.

There are stacks of boxes in the cellar, things we’ve ordered online over the past couple of days, which we get right into.

Cody collected our stats and purchased matching costumes so that if we happen to get caught behind the Alpha Alpha Mu house, we can say we’re there for the party.

As we toss on the navy-blue football jerseys and matching spandex pants, Brad growls, and I turn, catching him sneaking a glance at my ass.

“Fits nicely,” he says, arching an eyebrow before licking his lips.

I study myself in the mirror. “It’s weird being dressed in something so silly for the night we’re supposed to take on a vicious monster.”

“Maybe it’ll bring some levity to the situation.”

“I doubt much will do that.”

“Yeah…”

After we finish getting dressed, we throw on our jackets, and Brad digs through a few more boxes, finding the pepper spray and stun guns—the latter Seth’s idea. We ran a test on the pepper spray yesterday, and despite being advertised as shooting to ten feet, it was more like seven. Although, I’d rather shoot at this thing from seven feet than be up its ass with a bat or stun gun.

As I tuck my spray and stun gun in my jacket pockets, I say, “You know, I love the idea of having some weapons on me, but I keep having this image of me trying out the pepper spray. Doesn’t work, so I go for the stun gun, giving this monster enough time to rip my fucking throat out.”

Brad’s expression sobers.

“Relax,” I say. “We both know that’s not what I have to worry about tonight.”

As he winces, I realize that didn’t help any. “Sorry. I’m just in my head.”

“Okay, no,” he says, approaching me. “You’re not getting all apologetic on me. Not tonight.”

But there’s this creeping fear that this could be the last night I have to be apologetic about anything.

He hooks his arm around me and draws me close. He doesn’t go right for a kiss, like he has in the past. He gets close, studies my expression.

With everything we’ve had to plan, we haven’t really had time to mess around. And the Lust hasn’t been as intense since we shared my vision, so we haven’t needed to fuck just to keep on. But as his lips meet mine, a familiar relief sweeps through me. A relief I need so fucking desperately right now.

Brad must feel the same because before I know it, he has my wrists pinned against the wall, tongue sweeping against mine.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Brad whispers. “I’ll protect you. I’m not letting anything happen to you.”

He can’t know that, but his words ease up all that tension I’ve been carrying around in my chest, relaxing that twisting knot in my gut.

“Brad, I care about you so much.” Like with Dan earlier, I feel like if I don’t fucking say this now, I might not have the chance again. “I didn’t know I could feel about someone the way I do about you. I—”

“No,” Brad says before his lips crush against mine. I’m greedy for him as my body comes alive with pulsing desire, anticipating him sating my needs once again. When he finally pulls his mouth away, he whispers, “Don’t. No confessions. Nothing until we’re through this.”

“But I might not get another chance.”

“It’s gonna be fine, Luke. We’re gonna get through this, and it will be just a fucked-up thing we had to survive.”

“Brad, please, I need to say it.”

He grits his teeth, then nods.

“I’m falling for you. Like…ridiculously falling. There’s so much I’m scared about tonight, but one of the worst thoughts is that I might miss out on getting to know you so much better. Or getting to do homework together. Or have more study time in the library…or even not studying on the fourth floor together.”

He snickers.

I run my knuckles along his cheek. “I want to order more Asian fusion, and calzones, and I want to catch up on fucking Real Housewives of Salt Lake City with you so that you can chat with your mom about it. I want to fight with you about stupid, dumb crap that doesn’t matter. The kind of stupid stuff that boyfriends do together.”

“Boyfriends,” he says, tearing up. The word hits my ear just right. “I like the sound of that.” His gaze drops to my lips, and he takes my mouth once again.

Before we’d used the word about each other, it just seemed like any other word. But it’s not anymore. There’s something different about this kiss, knowing I’m not just kissing this guy I’m falling for. That he’s my boyfriend. And I’m his boyfriend.

I grip the back of his head, firming our kiss. Wanting to live in this moment for as long as I can.

In case it’s one of my last.