Chapter 14 #3
I laughed and said, “Fuck you nigga I ain’t worried about shit. I’m good where I’m at.”
I was. But despite where NeNe and I were at, people still knew something happened.
And to know something happened was to know that we weren’t as perfect as they thought we were.
The crazy thing about that was, NeNe and I never wanted that image.
We didn’t run around pretending to be perfect, we just made sure we were on one accord and good whenever we were around family and friends.
The opinions people had about us were opinions they formed on their own.
“I’m sayin though.” He said before tugging on his beard. “Fuck goin’ on?”
“Nothin nigga,” I told him, hating that he was fishing in my relationship to begin with.
“You cheated? Please don’t tell me yo dumb ass cheated. You gon fuck around and fumble NeNe bad ass? Mannnn.”
“Shut yo dumb ass up nigga,” I seriously said. “I ain’t fumbling shit.”
“Yeah okay,” he said with a laugh, shaking his head. “Something happened. She ain’t skate out on the party for nothing.”
“What happened ain’t none of yo business, bitch.” I told him before sitting on the couch, watching him play 2K.
Deante didn’t know nothing about any of the things I did.
Why would he? I wasn’t going around broadcasting what I was doing.
I mean, he knew about a few things I did when I was a teenager, yeah because that was different.
Kid shit. The real-life shit? Erika? And the other ho’s I messed around with after I got down on one knee?
Nah. He knew nothing of it, and I hoped to keep it that way.
I mean, hell… until Diary came into the picture at least.
I sighed, resting against the back of the couch.
This shit was going to shock the whole world.
The whole perfect husband image was about to blow up in my face like a muthafucka.
And that shook the hell out of me. Imagine, going years on top of years as the good husband, just to show up with a whole ass baby.
After kicking it with bro for a couple minutes, I followed the smell of chicken and the sound of Luther Vandross to the kitchen. Ma was standing at the stove, flipping chicken breast, swaying her wide hips to If This World Were Mine.
“…I’d give you the flowers, the birds, and the bee’s,” She sang as if she was in a relationship, instead of single as hell.
I could barely remember the last time my ma had a boyfriend.
I was in high school though. I was sure of that.
That was damn near fifteen years ago. Either she was lonely as hell or kept her romantic life to herself.
Either way, she was into the song like a muthafucka.
Had me wondering if moms had fallen in love.
Sneaking up behind her, I kissed her on the cheek. “Who you don’ fell in love with, woman?”
She laughed and waved me off. “Boy if you don’t gon’ on somewhere talkin about love. Fuck love; I’ma playa.”
I laughed and leaned against the counter with my arms crossed over my chest. “A playa huh? Ain’t heard that shit in years.”
She shrugged, twisting her lips up. “Don’t mean they don’t still exist nigga.” She eyed me up and down. “Ain’t seen yo black ass this much in I don’t know how long. What you doin? Runnin from the wife?”
I ran my hand over my head with a sigh. “Mannnnn.”
She adjusted the temperature on the stove. “You ready to tell me what the fuck goin’ on? Or somethin’ gon have to happen for you to tell me?”
I tossed my head back a little before putting my hands back into my pockets, brushing my fingers over the worn envelope. She always knew. Guess that was mothers intuition or some shit.
I was nervous as hell. But shit… something had to shake.
Right? I was losing it. I needed someone to talk to about everything.
I needed to talk to her about it. Had to.
Not only because I needed her help but because the shit had been weighing too heavy on my spirit.
I didn’t like it. I needed somebody to tell me everything would be alright.
Needed to hear that yeah… I fucked up… but it was in the past and Mahogany would forgive me.
She had to, right? It happened when we were in a bad place.
I was cheating—she forgave me for that. She had to forgive me for what came along with it, right?
That’s what I needed. Reassurance. Comfort.
Somebody to quiet my racing mind, for real. Who better than my ma?
“Mmhmm. You know I know you better than anybody, right?” She said, sizing me up with her lips twisted.
I sighed, looked towards the living room and scratched my head. “Can we talk in the room or somethin?”
She smiled, nodded and said, “Mhm. As soon as this chicken done.” Again, she sized me up and leaned in a little. “She want you to sign them papers, don’t she? I knew it as soon as you called and said the party was off. I don’t—”
“Come on na, ma,” I interrupted, shifting uncomfortably against the counter. “I wanna talk in the room for a reason.”
She sucked her teeth and waved me off. “That ain’t no secret, boy. Everybody already know. Soons you texted, we was in the group chat talkin about it.”
Taking a deep breath, I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned my head back.
Of course they were. I had the type of family that didn’t give a fuck or sugarcoat shit.
Them being in the group chat discussing my marriage didn’t come as no surprise.
It might’ve seemed crazy, my trust for my ma with Diary but she wouldn’t tell them about this.
Loved to gossip and spread rumors, but when it came to real shit, she was solid.
Even if it was a divorce I wanted to talk to her about, she wouldn’t have gone back to confirm shit with anybody.
“But,” she paused and whispered. “Don’t worry son, you know I got you.”
She was wrong as hell but I didn’t say anything to correct her. Didn’t give a fuck enough to. Didn’t have the energy to, for real. Had too much on my mind.
Ten minutes later, we were walking into her bedroom. Because I hadn’t been allowed to sit on her bed since I was a kid, I sat in the chair in the corner. She closed the locked the door behind us and immediately got right to it.
“So, what she askin for? Everything?” She asked with her hand on her hip. “I bet. Ain’t even got much of nothin and she comin for it all. I told you she was out for the money—”
“Ma, chill,” I interrupted. “Ain’t nobody gettin a damn divorce.” Pausing, I mumbled, “Shit, not yet at least.”
“Umph. You cheated and she found out. I knew something was up that night. Mmhmm, talkin about you ain’t cheatin. Boy I can smell an ain’t shit nigga from a mile away! You my child, and I love you, but I know you ain’t shit.”
I just let her talk. She didn’t stop there neither.
Kept rambling on about how Mahogany was book smart as hell but didn’t have a lick of street smarts.
Said she needed to grow a ‘back bone’ and leave my ass.
She didn’t know why Mahogany stayed after the first time.
Said if it was her, she would’ve left a long time ago.
Crazy how the tune flipped, right? Moms was like that.
“Gon’ break them kids hearts when they find out. ‘Cause you know they gon’ find out. They ain’t babies no more and everybody lookin at y’all sideways already too. Mmhmm. Shit is about to hit the fan and—”
“Ma,” I said, finally interrupting. “Can I talk?”
Sitting on her bed with her arms crossed over her chest, she pursed her lips together and mumbled, “Mmhmm.”
Leaning over to the side a little, I dug into my pocket, grabbed the envelope and handed it to her.
“What’s this?” She asked. “I thought you said it wasn’t no papers…
Boy!” Pausing, she frowned. “Na, wait a damn minute. What the hell is this!?” She yelled, after reading the heading.
“I know got damn well you ain’t test one of them kids and they ain’t yours?
Who is it? Honesty, ain’t it? She a lil too light. I knew it was—”
“Come on now ma, damn!” I yelled, frustrated. “Just…” Clasping my hands together in prayer pose I said, “Just read it. I’ll explain in a minute.”
I should have just came out and told her I had another kid. But knowing her, she would have wanted me to get results I already had. Showing her the results was to avoid another uncomfortable conversation.
“I know you better lower yo’ got damn voice,” she said with raised brows, looking up at me like she was a couple of seconds away from smacking the piss out of me.
I was tired of listening to her talk shit about Mahogany.
Why in the hell wouldn’t one of mine be mine?
She was bugging. For her to even think Mahogany would do something like that to me was disrespectful as fuck.
But because of the circumstances, I let it slide.
I mean, I did give her test results—what else was she supposed to think?
“My bad ma,” I said, pacing, massaging the back of my neck. “Just read it, aight?”
“Mmhmm. My bad my ass. I don’t give a damn about you being grown Ducati. I’ll grab my little bat so got damn fast!”
I didn’t say anything. Just took a deep breath and kept pacing. I believed her. Back in the day, she used to grab her little Louisville slugger and hit me with it. Not too hard—just hard enough to get me to get my act right.
“Hold on now,” she said. “Duke if my grandbabies yours why you… aw hell.”
It didn’t take her long to figure it out.
I looked over at her with pinched brows and pressure written all over my face. Shaking my head, I sat back down and clasped my hands together, resting them under my chin.
“Yeah…”
“Yeah what?” she asked with raised brows. “Don’t tell me this what I think it is.”
“I got another one.”
Instantly, she threw the paper up and shook her head. “You a damn dumb ass boy!”
I looked over my shoulder, to remind her about Deante. “Ma—
“Ma what?” she yelled. “You tellin me you don’ cheated and got some bitch pregnant? Ducatiiii… I don’t know what to say about this one.”
“I don’t want that nigga in my business, ma. Can you please—”
“Alright, got damnit. Alright!” She paused with the corners of her mouth turned her, shaking her head. “That’s why the party was canceled?”
I shook my head and said, “No. She don’t,” Pausing, I took a deep breath. “NeNe don’t know.”
She didn’t say anything for a while. Just sat there staring at me with a look of disgust on her face.
A look I’d never seen before. She didn’t even look at me like that when I told her Mahogany was pregnant with Bry.
Disappointment, yeah. But disgust? Never.
Not even after she found out I cheated that time.
I couldn’t even lie—getting a look like that from my ma really fucked with me.
“So… how old is it?”
“She,” I corrected. “Two.”
“Mm. Mm, mm, mm,” She grumbled, in disappointment. “What you gon’ do?”
I shrugged and looked up at her with sad eyes. “I don’t know ma. I’m—” I paused and cleared my throat as I started to get choked up. “I’m… I’m trying to figure it out. This shit…” I paused again as tears build behind my eyes. “It’s killin me ma. It’s fuckin’ murderin me.”
She took a deep breath and stood. Opening her arms, she gestured for me to come over for a hug. Defeated, I stood and walked over to her. She embraced me and ran her hand over the back of my neck.
“Listen to me,” She said. “You do the right thing. You hear me? You tell your wife about the baby and—”
“I can’t do that shit ma,” I said, pulling away from her embrace. “She gon’ leave me and then what?”
“Then you live your life and take care of your five kids. Don’t let this get out of hand. You handle it before it catches up to you.”
I heard what she said. Heard her loud and clear.
But fear wouldn’t allow me to move in that direction just yet.
Things were finally good between Mahogany and I.
I… I just wanted to sit in it for a little longer.
Wanted to appreciate the love my wife was finally showing me.
I didn’t want it to end. And I knew that the moment I told her about Diary shit would crumble.
I couldn’t do that yet. I couldn’t do that at all.
You know how detrimental that would be to my life?
I couldn’t see anything past Mahogany and the kids.
I didn’t know how life would look without her.
I needed to keep shit intact. And I told my ma that.
“I…I can’t tell her. Please ma, hear me out. I can’t tell her yet, alright? She—”
“Shhh,” she shushed, as I continued to cry. Hadn’t cried once about the situation. Tears built up, I hit the bottle, had mental wars but never dropped tears. Shit was really eating at me.
“You have to tell her. Eventually,” my ma said. “In the meantime, I’ll help in whatever way you need me to, son.” She pulled away from the hug and held my face in her hands. “But… you have to tell her. Shit like this don’t stay buried for long.”
I heard her. Heard her loud and clear. Realistically, I knew I couldn’t keep it a secret until the death of me.
Bones didn’t stay buried forever. Mine sure didn’t.
I just needed to handle one situation at a time.
Telling my ma was going to help me with getting Diary.
She said she would help me in any way possible and that was what I needed.
For her to get Diary every now and then.
I told her. She wasn’t happy about it but because my ma always had my back, she agreed to help me out.