Mammon (Devilry #2)

23. Belphegor

TWENTY-THREE

BELPHEGOR

It’s with trembling hands that I spread butter on toast.

My thoughts are a little hazy, my head kind of hurts, and I’m starving. It’s almost like I’m floating above my own body, watching a green head bob as it takes a chunk out of a poorly toasted piece of bread. I can’t quite tell what I think or what I feel, caught in a moment of suspended bliss.

“What are you doing up so late?”

I drop my toast at Mammon’s voice. I… I can’t think clearly, but I know I’m supposed to feel something. Turning to look over my shoulder, I shrug. “I could say the same about you.”

He smiles, pushing himself off the doorway and walking toward me. “I don’t tend to sleep much these days.”

I nod, in a daze. Right. He’s busy. Always busy. And that’s a problem…

“Midnight snack?” he asks, gesturing at my forgotten toast. “I could make you something else.”

“No, thank you,” I whisper as I shake my head, not understanding what’s going on with me, but knowing I need to get away. “I should get back to Bel?—”

Stepping in front of me, he smirks as he rests his large hands on my hips. “How about you wake Bel up and join me in bed.”

You hate the way he treats us when he’s not fucking us.

I take a step back from him. “N-No, I really should get back.”

He frowns, reaching a hand up to brush away a stray hair from my forehead. “Is everything okay?”

No, it isn’t. But I don’t know why and it’s frustrating the hell out of me.

You want to hurt him the way he hurt you.

“Did someone hurt you?”

He lies.

It’s all too much. The buzzing in my head grows louder and louder until it’s hard to hear even my own thoughts. There’s some sort of blade in my heart, entering at the top and slowly sliding down with every beat. For some reason, my lungs hurt. The simple act of breathing is taking its toll and becoming exhausting.

It’s too much.

“Princess, tell me?—”

We deserve better than him.

No one is ever going to love you the way I do.

I hate him.

“Don’t call me that!” I finally snap, slapping his hand away when he tries to touch my cheek. “Get the fuck away from me!”

“Belphegor,” Mammon hisses, although there’s a glint in his eyes I can’t decipher that lets me know he’s not angry but…something else. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“You want to know what’s wrong? What’s so terrible?” I laugh maniacally, completely unhinged as I throw my hands in the air. “You don’t love us!”

Caught off guard by my words, he only blinks at me for a moment. “How can you say that?”

Tears blur my vision. There’s no way Mammon can love us, not after everything he’s done and the way he’s treated Bel and I. Bel was right. He’s a manipulative bastard who’s enjoying the control he has over his two little pets. The undying devotion I felt for him is tainted now, covered by a thick layer of disgust.

“Weak, pathetic, little Gore, right? That’s all I am to you? You only want me to fuck or to shame and that’s it!”

He shakes his head rapidly, grabbing onto my wrists when I try to sidestep him. “What’s gotten into you?”

“Bel showed me,” I tell him, jaw clenched as I fight his hold. “He showed me the truth!”

For a moment, Mammon looks shocked, but that quickly transforms into irritation. “That little shit…” He bites down on the inside of his cheek and sighs. “Don’t listen to him, princess.”

“Do you love us?”

“How can you doubt it?”

“Why can’t you say it?” I growl to myself, thrashing as he wraps his arms around my shoulders and tries to bring me against his chest. “You don’t hurt the people you love. You don’t… spank them in front of their family. You don’t manipulate?—”

“That’s exactly what Bel did to you!” he shouts, shaking me with furious intention in his blue eyes. “Don’t you see it?”

My heart skips a beat as my jaw drops. “What?”

No, no, no. Bel would never do that to me. He would never play with my emotions and my thoughts like that. He’s my best friend and I trust him with my life.

But…

Before tonight, I also trusted Mammon with my life. I loved both of them with a burning intensity that was toxically unnatural. I was devoted to them. I yearned for them. I would have done anything they asked me to do.

Bel says Mammon can’t be trusted, but Mammon says Bel lies.

My head is so jumbled up that I don’t know who I should believe anymore. Everything is so glaringly loud. It’s…

“Fuck!” I scream, clawing at my hair as I start to sob. “I’m so sick and tired of people fucking with my head!”

Mammon’s eyes soften as he rests his lips against the crown of my head. “Gore…”

“No! I know what you all think of me, okay?” Sniffling, I push away and turn my back on him. “I know that none of you think I can take care of myself; that I need supervision. That I’m so…batshit crazy that I can’t see reality.”

Large, steady hands find my shoulders. “And that’s okay?—”

“No, it’s not! Bel opened my eyes?—”

“He forced them to look where he wanted!”

“No!”

Without warning and one growl later, I'm scooped up and deposited on the kitchen counter. Mammon steps in between my legs and rolls his forehead against mine. “Princess, listen to me. I love you two.” His voice cracks as he rubs his hands up and down my thighs. “I love you two so fucking much. I apologized for what I did to you and you said you forgave me.”

I did, didn’t I? But…did I know any better? “You lied.”

He grits his teeth as he pinches my chin to tilt my face up. “Did he make you believe that?”

This is uncomfortable. I try sifting through my thoughts, but they’re all clouded in a lust-drunk haze. “I…”

Mammon smiles again, brushing his lips against the corner of my mouth. “See? You don’t know. If you listen to me, everything will be okay.”

Listen to me, Gore.

Trust me, Gore.

I’ve got this, Gore.

The voices of both Mammon and Bel echo in my head, both fighting for dominance as I suffer the consequences of their battle.

No one is ever going to love you like I do.

Every piece of you belongs to me.

“I’m not a fucking puppet!” I yell, kicking Mammon straight in the balls as I hop off the counter. I don’t know what possesses me to do this, but I yank a knife out of its holder, holding it up protectively in front of me as if it’ll make the monsters go away.

But we’re all monsters here.

“Gore…” He holds up his hands in surrender. “Put the knife down.”

I shake my head. “I’m done being played with.”

“I know you are,” he soothes, taking a dangerous step closer. “I just don’t want you to hurt yourself, princess.”

“My head hurts so much,” I sob, the knife shaking in my unsteady grip. “I want it to stop.”

“I can make it all better.”

“I don’t think you can anymore,” I mumble, feeling so utterly exhausted. “Not like you used to.”

With a deep breath, I set the knife down beside me, a heavy weight in my heart as I turn and go for the door. My steps are sluggish and weak and Mammon’s voice stops me before I can go any further.

“Don’t turn against me. Without you and Bel…”

I look at him and frown. I don’t like how sad he seems. Mammon should never be sad. He has everything he wants, doesn’t he? “What?”

He opens and closes his mouth, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I can’t explain. I just?—”

“More empty words and meaningless promises.” I chuckle humorlessly as I shake my head. “Goodnight, Mammon.”

He doesn’t try to stop me as I leave the kitchen and make my way up the stairs. Everything is numb. I want to cry, but I also want to curl up into a ball under the covers and never come out. It’s all so confusing and I hate the thoughts running through my head.

I hate believing that Mammon could hurt me. I hate the thought that Bel might have lied to me. I hate that I just can’t fucking feel and act the way I want to without it being so wrong.

So, as I stand at the door of the room I’ve shared with Bel for years, I do something I’ve never done before.

I turn and walk toward my room instead.