Chapter 16
“Y ou let me win!” cried Joanna as she struggled to breathe. When she spied the interlopers, she gave a start and dropped her skirts. “Miss Norman?”
“Was that your basket?” asked the young lady, pointing to where Eddie’s hamper lay, abandoned, with the blanket he’d laid out crumpled up beside it.
“Yes, so why did you move it?” asked Eddie with a hard look at Mr. Rawson, who was studiously ignoring him as he laid out the dishes as Miss Norman directed.
“This was such a perfect spot, and there wasn’t anyone here. We thought it was abandoned,” she said with a dismissive wave of her hand.
“You believed that a fresh picnic, all laid out and ready to be enjoyed, was abandoned?” asked Eddie, crossing his arms. “Regardless, the ruins aren’t so large that you couldn’t have heard us exploring—we weren’t being quiet about it—and we do not appreciate you touching our things.”
But Joanna laid a hand on his arm, forestalling any further argument.
Her gaze was locked on Miss Norman’s, who gave several silent prods with her eyes with that pleading quality she always employed when exploiting another’s kindness. Eddie had seen Sadie receive such expressions so many times that he could fairly hear Miss Norman giving the usual excuses that began with false claims of “just this once…” She and her wretched sister always “deserved” more than they had and were quite willing to pry it from the hands of others.
“There is so much space around,” said Joanna. “There’s no reason we cannot find a new situation. Especially when our things are packed and theirs are laid out.”
But Eddie knew that this particular section was the finest, as it provided the best view of the ruins whilst also affording the perfect balance of sunshine and shadow to keep them from becoming either overheated or chilled. However, before he could mount a proper protest, Joanna snatched up the blanket and basket.
“My apologies,” she said with a simpering smile. “We didn’t mean to disturb you.”
Eddie scowled. “ We didn’t disturb them —”
“There are plenty of other places to sit,” she insisted, turning her back on the courting couple as she strode away, leaving Eddie to glare daggers at Mr. Rawson (who, though the fellow managed a wince in apology, didn’t bother to contradict his sweetheart or vacate the stolen spot).
But when Joanna struggled to hold the balled-up blanket and the basket, Eddie ignored the frustrating pair and hurried after his wife, seizing hold of the burdens as she led them through the labyrinth of crumbling walls.
“Why did you do that? They stole our space,” he demanded, not bothering to moderate his tone—earning him a frantic “hush!” from his wife.
“What does it matter?” she asked as they reached the farthest corner from the other pair. “There is plenty of room for us both.”
“Precisely, which is why they ought not to have set up their picnic directly atop ours.”
“They are courting, Edward,” she said, taking the blanket from him to fan it out. “They wish to make a good impression, and it costs us nothing to leave them to it.”
“If their definition of making a good impression includes thieving, then they are perfect for each other,” grumbled Eddie as he took the hamper from Joanna. Setting it down, he faced her. “But why did you surrender so easily to her?”
Joanna straightened her skirts, her fingers fiddling with the folds of blue muslin. “A good friend is always quick to be of assistance.”
“But when are those ladies ever of assistance to you?” asked Eddie, crossing his arms. “I saw the same thing in London again and again. You surround yourself with people who think nothing of using you for their own benefit, and when they are done, they mock and ignore you until they have need of you again. Yet you eagerly forgive and welcome them back every time.”
Gaping, she shook her head. “That is not true—”
“For goodness’ sake, you apologized to her as though our being in our place was a great burden to Miss Norman!”
*
Straightening, Joanna wished she hadn’t laid the blanket yet, as she longed to pull the soft fibers to her chest; her fingers fiddled with the folds of her skirt as her thoughts flailed about.
Twisting her fingers together, she began, “I apologize if I upset you—”
“No,” said Edward with a shake of his head. “I am not looking for apologies but explanations. Why do you tolerate such terrible behavior from those who ought to be your friends?”
“Everyone has flaws, and we must tolerate them in others. Else no one would have friends.”
Throwing his arms wide, he gestured back the way they’d come. “Those aren’t minor flaws, Joanna. I saw the same behavior from your ‘friends’ in London. They treat you like a servant or a lesser person, one that exists solely to do their bidding, and it is disgusting.”
Eyes widening, Joanna clutched her middle. “You think I am disgusting?”
Edward huffed. “That is not what I said. Their behavior is disgusting. Yours is confusing and a little infuriating because I do not know why you tolerate such ill-treatment. You deserve better, and I wish you would see that.”
Standing there with his words ringing in her ears, Joanna felt stripped bare before him, though she didn’t understand why that should be the case. Edward simply didn’t understand. He was twisting her friendships into something they weren’t.
Even in their short acquaintance, it was clear that Miss Norman and her sister were a bit demanding, but they were also very accepting. They’d quickly embraced a stranger in their midst, welcoming her as one of their own without a second thought. And yes, Lilith had been difficult at times and a touch demanding at others, but where others had ignored and dismissed Joanna, Lilith had always been quick to welcome her.
Except when it was inconvenient.
That thought popped into Joanna’s mind so suddenly that she couldn’t dismiss it off-hand. Just as she couldn’t deny that some part of her knew Lilith had never been a good friend. And that her infuriating qualities were the same ones that plagued Miss Norman and Mrs. Selkirk. Joanna longed to ignore Edward’s accusations, but instincts she worked hard to bury clawed their way into her thoughts, demanding she acknowledge how miserable those ladies made her.
With a sigh, Edward turned away from her, snatching up the picnic basket and unpacking the foods, spreading them out with sharper movements than the first time, and Joanna could only watch as he did so.
“I am not dim-witted,” she whispered.
Straightening, her husband turned to her with raised brows. “I never said you were.”
“Just because I ignore the frustrating aspects of those friendships, doesn’t mean I do not recognize how terrible they can be.”
Edward remained squatting, his elbows resting on his knees. “Those aren’t friendships any more than I am friends with the maid or cook. Some masters and mistresses may pretend otherwise, but being friendly does not mean we are friends.”
Joanna’s gaze jerked away, looking at the walls encircling this patch of grass. The stones were pockmarked and covered in lichen and moss, the green providing a perfect complement to the gray.
A hand came into her periphery, and Joanna didn’t bother looking at it, simply accepting the assistance as Edward helped her down. Glancing at the sandwiches and pies that bore the clear marks of someone who hadn’t bothered to take care when packing them up, Joanna felt her heart sink at the poignant sight. It wasn’t enough for Miss Norman to steal their place; she hadn’t given a second thought about damaging her “friend’s” food.
Edward handed her several items, and Joanna laid them on the blanket beside her, though she couldn’t bring herself to taste them yet.
“I know they do not treat me well,” she said, studying her hands as they lay clasped in her lap. “Just as I know Lilith did only enough to keep me on her hook so that she could use my carriage or gain an invitation her father didn’t warrant. And I am certain Miss Norman and her sister are the same.”
“Then why allow it?”
Her throat clamped tight as her heart burned in her chest, the pressure of so many unspoken thoughts and feelings pressing against her ribs, begging to be let out. “Because even a bad friend is better than none at all.”
“Is it?” asked Edward with a challenging raise of the brows.
Anger flared in her chest, but she tamped the flames and turned her attention to the food.
“What is it that you want to say?” asked Edward.
“Nothing of importance,” she murmured.
“I am certain that isn’t true.”
But Joanna picked at the pork pie, breaking off a bit of the crust before placing the morsel in her mouth, which sat like ash on her tongue, and only Edward’s sigh broke through the silence that lay heavy around them.
“How in the world do you expect us to thrive in this marriage if you won’t tell me what is bothering you?” he said, shoving aside his food.
Joanna’s brows rose at that. “Do you think our marriage is failing?”
Eyes flashing with a spark of mischief, he leaned closer. “Then you do admit something is bothering you? Speak to me, Joanna. I want to know what you are thinking.”
With a huff, she turned her attention to the pie, though she had no more desire to eat it than a moment ago.
“See, there!” he said, pointing at her. “You are piqued. Tell me what is the matter.”
As the fellow clearly wasn’t going to let the matter drop, Joanna shifted in her seat and drew in a breath. “Perhaps you… I do not mean to imply you aren’t, but there is a tendency… Often people struggle…”
Edward’s eyes narrowed playfully. “Out with it. No prevaricating. If you wish to know what is bothering me, I will tell you. I do not like the fact that you often say what you think I wish to hear rather than your own thoughts, and that you care too much about pleasing those who treat you poorly.”
Then, motioning to her to continue, Edward waited as she stared at him.
“I…” she began, though the words wouldn’t come as her thoughts filled with all the likely outcomes of being entirely truthful. It wasn’t as though she was going to criticize him greatly, just bring to his attention that people like him often thought it inconsequential to cast off friends because they had no trouble finding new ones—but what if it offended him? What if it caused a fracture between them? There must be a way to answer without causing trouble.
Drawing in a deep breath, she reached for another truth. “I have spent most of my life alone, Edward. I have a father who rarely looks at me, let alone wishes for my company. He and what little family we have aren’t cruel, but neither do they show genuine interest in me. I haven’t easy manners and the ability to draw people to me, and despite my best efforts, I’ve never been able to endear myself to others. Whether or not people like Lilith are my friends for selfish reasons, they do wish to be my friends.”
She picked away at the pie, making a mess of Mrs. Thomas’s beautiful pastry. “You do not know what it is like to stand in a crowded room, praying someone will notice you. Not even a conversation or a dance or something so significant as all that, but just a nod and a smile as they pass. For someone to look pleased that I am there, rather than not seeing me at all.”
An arm slid around her shoulders, and Edward drew her close as they leaned back to rest against the wall. Though her cheeks blazed red at the confession, Joanna allowed her head to fall to his shoulder as her hand rose to his chest, taking a position that was all too familiar at night.
“I am sorry,” he whispered.
“It isn’t your fault.”
“True, but I am sorry all the same.”
Joanna rocked with every breath he took, and though it still felt too forward, she ignored the fear and allowed her fingers to trace the edge of his lapels.
“Please do not fly off the handle—” he began, and Joanna lifted her head to look at him.
“Do I often ‘fly off the handle’?”
Edward’s expression flattened, his eyes watching her with amused exasperation. “Are you going to always infer more from my words than I intend?”
Lowering herself once more, Joanna adopted a prim tone. “You are the one who asked me ‘not to fly off the handle,’ Edward. I don’t know how else to interpret that than to assume you are afraid I am going to do so.”
A chuckle reverberated through his chest, making Joanna smile as well.
“Shall I reword my hastily cobbled sentence?” he asked, pausing a moment before he said in a very gentle tone, “Please do not assume the worst of me, oh wife of mine, but do you not think that perhaps surrounding yourself with distasteful people only encourages others to avoid you?”
Joanna stilled, considering that statement and the possibilities that lay within it, but his chest expanded with another deep breath, and she waited as he continued.
“And that perhaps your desperation to make friends can have the opposite effect?” he asked.
Rising to look at him, she drew her brows tight together as she studied his eyes that held hers with gentle firmness.
“You may find it difficult to believe, my dear, but you are thoroughly enjoyable when you are simply you, rather than the twisted version you present to ingratiate yourself. I far prefer the Joanna who isn’t afraid to speak plainly with me to the one who hems and stammers as she tries to sort out what will please me best.”
Hearing such sweet words was as near to heaven as one could get, even without the endearment Edward tossed out so casually, and Joanna’s eyes widened as she stared at him.
“Truly?” she whispered, hardly daring to believe it.
“Truly,” he replied.