Marry in Haste (The Vaughns #2)

Chapter 32

J erking awake, Edward’s heart pounded against his ribcage as he stared at the ceiling. Time blended as he tried to piece together the difference between dream and reality; usually, the line between them was very distinctive for him, but the fear pulsing through him made it difficult to grasp hold of the here and now.

A nightmare. Only a figment of his imagination. That much was clear, though it didn’t help to calm his racing pulse or wipe the clammy sweat from his chest.

“Edward?” Joanna’s voice reached out to him in the dark, the tone thick with sleep.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” he whispered.

“What is the matter?” Shadows swallowed her, making it impossible to distinguish between her and the darkness, but he felt the bed shifting as Joanna turned to face him.

He didn’t know how to answer that question. To voice the terrible things his dreams had conjured would give them life in this world and plant them in Joanna’s mind; she already knew too many of the horrors surrounding childbirth. Inching closer to her in the bed, he reached out to hold her, though his hands found more bedding and pillows than person.

“Edward?” she asked, and worry sharpened her tone.

“May I hold you? Please.” Edward forced himself to speak evenly, though the tension emanating from her side of the bed matched his own.

Joanna didn’t answer as she slid closer to him, and Edward wrapped his arms around her, clinging to her as though that might protect her and their child from the images flashing in his mind. He knew better than most husbands the dangers to come in the next few months, but he also knew the majority came through the ordeal without issue—so there was no need to borrow trouble.

Though she lay stiff in his hold for a moment, Joanna relaxed into his embrace, her legs tangling with his as she nestled into the crook of his arm. The weight of her felt so familiar. The feel of her so welcome. Joanna was here. Breathing. Warm. Yet the sensation of her cold skin lingered in his mind, forcing him to cling tighter. It had only been the briefest of flashes, yet the vision of Joanna lying unmoving as the air rang with the cries of their child shuddered through him.

“Are you anxious about your journey?” she whispered.

“A little,” he said, for it was true enough, though not for the reasons Joanna likely thought. But Edward wasn’t ready to give her the full truth.

“All will be well,” she said, a yawn lengthening her words. “It will only be a few days. And Father wouldn’t ask it if he didn’t require your aid.”

The assurance rang with truth, and Edward knew he couldn’t turn aside his father’s call for assistance after desiring it for so long, yet he couldn’t help but cling to his wife as she drifted back into sleep.

All would be well. Surely it would.

***

Clothes lay folded on the bed, and Edward considered them and the open portmanteau. He’d chosen far more than was required for a few days’ journey, but he wasn’t certain how long his patient would require him, and it was better to pack too much than too little. Granted, he wasn’t leaving until the day after tomorrow so he had time enough to reconsider what he’d packed.

The bedchamber window stood wide open, allowing the night breeze to seep in, and his wife stood beside it, fluffing her dressing gown to let the cooler air through the layers of cotton and linen.

“You will send word if anything happens?” he asked, glancing at Joanna as he loaded the items into the bag. “Anything at all.”

“Of course I will, Edward, but I feel it in my bones that everything will be right in the end,” she said, pressing a hand to where their child grew.

“Rest often and be sure to eat,” he said. “Are you certain you wouldn’t prefer to stay with Mother and Father? You are quite welcome to do so.”

“I know, but I want to be in my own home.”

Closing his portmanteau, which rested on the foot of the bed, Edward considered the room and how quickly it had grown to feel like “theirs.” When his parents had suggested that he and Joanna needed their own space, it had seemed unnecessary, yet Edward saw the merit now as their life felt more real within their own home.

Yet with business dragging him from Thornsby, the thought of leaving his wife here had his insides writhing.

“Are you sure you do not want to join me?” he asked.

Joanna huffed a laugh as she removed the throw pillows from their bed. “In other circumstances, I would happily do so, but at present, I cannot imagine suffering through several hours in a gig. Being shaken to bits is unbearable on its own, but with the scorching heat, I would be miserable.”

Pausing as she readied the bed, Joanna abandoned that work to sit beside his bag. “You will only be gone for a few days, yet you are fretting as though you are marching off to war. What is the matter? Does this have anything to do with your dream last night?”

Edward didn’t know how to explain himself without revealing the horrors that had plagued his sleep.

“Our child will be safe while you are gone,” she said, giving him an understanding smile. “Your mother will likely visit for hours on end every day, and when she isn’t here, Sadie will be. I am willing to bet that even your father and Gregory will pay call, and I will have a constant stream of Vaughns watching over your daughter or son while you are gone.”

More truths laid out with that succinctness that was the new hallmark of his wife, yet Edward couldn’t shake the unease settling in his heart. With so many children lost before they grew to adulthood, he would be a fool not to worry about such things—yet it was Joanna who had perished in the darkness of the night, her skin growing cold as he fought to keep her here.

“It isn’t thoughts of our child that disturb my sleep, Joanna,” he said as understanding settled over him.

Cocking her head to one side, she gave him a tender smile. “I am exhausted and rather miserable at times, but I am quite used to taking care of myself. I shall do just fine whilst you are gone.”

“No,” he said, shaking his head as the muddled mess of his feelings solidified, bringing into clarity the warnings his heart had been giving him. “I don’t want to leave you behind. I will miss you.”

Gracing him with another sweet grin, Joanna said, “That is kind of you—”

“No.” Edward’s eyes widened as he straightened, meeting his wife’s gaze, and in a puzzled tone, he said, “It isn’t kindness, Joanna. I do not want to be apart from you. I love you.”

Though he couldn’t see his expression, he supposed it looked like Joanna’s, her mouth slackening into a gape as they stared at one another. Those words had hung between them for so long, mocking their marriage with their absence, and the moment Edward spoke them, he knew they were true, bridging the gaping void that had stood between him and his wife.

When and how those feelings had taken shape was beyond his ability to discern at present (though clearly, his subconscious had recognized the shift), yet they felt so very right on his tongue. Slowly, Joanna had woven her way into his heart until she was an integral part, and the thought of leaving her or losing her made Edward’s ribs constrict until he couldn’t breathe.

“Go to sleep, Edward,” she said, rising with a dismissive wave as she moved to her side of the bed.

“I just told you I love you.”

Joanna nodded as she pulled back the bedclothes.

“And?” he prodded.

“And what?” she replied, climbing in and pulling the covers up tight. “You are exhausted and anxious about the baby. You’ve hardly slept the last few nights, and it’s muddling your mind. That is all.”

Coming over to her side of the bed, Edward crouched down. “The thought of losing our child isn’t what torments my sleep, Joanna, nor is it the reason why I’ve spent most of the day trying to formulate an excuse not to leave. I cannot bear the thought of leaving you behind. We’ve never been apart before, and it is making me feel all sorts of…unpleasant things.”

Such a ridiculous statement, yet Edward couldn’t think of how better to describe the sinking in his stomach or the dread scratching at his skin.

“Don’t you understand, Joanna?” he said, straightening with a smile. “I love you. I love spending my days with you. I don’t like the idea of sleeping without you by my side. You make me happier than anything or anyone else in the world—”

“Stop that!” she snapped, turning to give him her back.

“But I am serious.”

“Naturally, your paternal affection is leaking onto the mother of your child, but let’s not pretend it is anything more,” she murmured, burrowing into her pillow.

Edward’s shoulders drooped, his eyes staring into the bundle of blankets and pillows that hid his wife. Joanna didn’t believe him? Granted, he could hardly believe it himself, but the more he examined that part of his heart, the stronger the feeling grew.

“This isn’t about our child, Joanna—”

“Don’t tease me, Edward. That isn’t fair of you…” The words alone were enough to send a shard of ice straight through his chest, but as much as she tried to hide it, Joanna couldn’t disguise the tears in her tone. Edward knew her voice too well for that.

He slipped in beside her, though she shifted to give him her back again, and his ribs squeezed, tightening until he could hardly breathe.

“I’m sorry you doubt me,” he whispered. “But I will prove it to you—”

“Let it be, Edward.” Her voice was so quiet, so pleading that Edward’s hands moved to her of their own accord, longing to draw her close. But the pain lacing each word held him in place.

Blowing out the lamp, he dropped onto the pillow, turning so that he could face her. He couldn’t see Joanna, but his good sense (what little of it there was) warned him not to press the issue tonight. But come tomorrow, Edward would find some way to convince her.

One way or another.