Master Debater

30. Willa

Nate returned with the drinks, and as I studied him, a tight band made of longing and fear constrained my lungs. If he cared about me—truly cared, the same way I did for him—surely, he’d understand.

Not that this was a test, but at the same time, it’d been since college since so much had been on the line in that space between pass or fail.

Within a couple of minutes, he returned, drinks in hand.

I took a sip, letting the warmth coat my throat and chest. “Ooh, nice and strong. Just the way I like it.” Here goes nothing. “So, earlier today?—”

“I wish that I had?—”

“You go,” I said, because I was a big wimp. If I got lucky, maybe Nate would bring up his uncle so I wouldn’t have to. Then again, Gil had implied he was putting all his eggs in my basket, and while I longed to chuck them right back at his head, it wouldn’t do any good.

“No, no. Mine’s more of the same complaining that you’ve already listened to. I was just going to lament my lack of help with this case. There’s so much to cover, and this might come as a shock, but I struggle to let go of control.”

“What? You? No.” At least the amount of fake shock I put into my words resulted in a real, honest-to-goodness smile. The idea of going without that smile ached, so I clung to optimism, assuring myself Gil was wrong. The truth would set me free.

“Well, if you want a lot of competent help, I do happen to know where you could find it.” I picked at a stray thread on my jeans. “Have you spoken to Gil lately?” Ugh, I was supposed to spit it out, not deflect with questions I already knew the answer to.

As expected, tension crept through Nate’s posture. “No, why?”

I took a generous glug from my glass and set it on the coffee table, a good foot away from his stack of legal documents so I wouldn’t accidentally spill and add to his stress instead of taking it away. Also, in case this, messenger got shot and tossed aside, all while Gil got to pat himself on the back for going above and beyond to get through to Nate. It was such a lawyer thing to do, playing both sides so victory was inevitable.

Well, on the bright side, I now knew how to get the sort of laser-sharp focus as when we first started having sex. Just mention his uncles, and he’d bore a hole through me with his gaze. Why couldn’t it be wearing lingerie?

Thanks to my body issues, it was something I would’ve considered nerve-wracking before, and now I wished I’d gone that method so his intensity could be split between what I was about to tell him and the parts of my body he couldn’t get enough of.

“Willa,” Nate said, the gruff edge to my name sending a zip through my core, proving my body couldn’t delineate between scary and sexy when it came to the guy next to me. “What’s going on?”

This was about Nate and Rylee. Regrets and second chances, and finding a way to alleviate stress. “Gil stopped by the duplex earlier today. Since he couldn’t get through to you, he wants me to convey a message.”

“Did you tell him he could shove his message where the sun don’t shine?”

“Not exactly. He and Bobby are offering to help you with the trial—access to all their firm’s services, free of charge.”

“And why would I want that?”

“Because they’re willing to give you the very thing you just said you wanted for this trial. Experienced people, who are as thorough as you are, which frees you up for those inconsequential things like sleeping. Shitting.” Not the choice of words I would’ve picked, but I was doing my best to remind him of what he’d used. “Me and that sex I mentioned.”

“What? You don’t think I can win by myself?”

I threw a hand to my heart. “Of course not. I told him I had full faith in you.”

“Then why are you bringing this up, Willa?” This side of Nathan, I’d never seen before. The level of animosity he’d used over the phone with his paralegal seemed tame in comparison.

“To let you know that they offered to help. Evidently, Bobby went through lung cancer, and all through the surgeries and treatments, he kept thinking he was going to die filled with regret over what he’d done to you and your family. This is how they’re hoping to make amends.”

“Amends.” A mirthless laugh punctuated the air between me and Nate, his eyes narrowing and growing colder by the second. “This is them trying to take my client from me to get me back. It’s nothing more than protecting their own asses, and preventing me from shoving them from the top spot. They’re scared and desperate, and they should be. But you…” He shook his head. “I thought you were on my side.”

The words cut into me with scalpel-sharp precision. “How can you say that to me? I didn’t even tell you that you should take them up on their offer; I simply made you aware of it.”

“You wouldn’t have bothered if you didn’t want me to. I was upfront from the beginning about not wanting a relationship, and how this wasn’t a great time in my career to start one. But I made an exception for you.”

“I made an exception for you too, and I keep on making them. You’re not the only one with a career, Nathan. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am too.”

“That’s why I thought you, of all people, would understand. You yourself told me that I shouldn’t let anyone convince me not to pursue my goals.”

“Yeah, you should pursue your goals. I believe in you and your firm. You’ll always be number one in my eyes, no matter what anyone else says or does. Does that matter to you? Or are you too engrossed in a goal that’s seeped in bitterness that you’re willing to cut off your own nose to spite your face, your uncles’ faces, and evidently, mine too.”

“No, I’m not willing to lose the chance to represent a company that belongs to a trillion-dollar industry. This is the kind of case I dreamed of my entire life.”

“Let’s talk about dreams. I have those too. Do you realize that you won’t even spare five minutes to listen to my song? A song I poured my heart and soul into, and heavily features you?”

“Is that what this is about? Hell, let’s go upstairs and play the song, then.” He made a big show of standing up and then he glared down at me from his court on high.

No amount of blinking was enough to stop the tears burning my eyes from spilling free. “That right there? Making me and my dreams sound ridiculous compared to yours? That’s what this is about.” I forced myself onto feet and legs I didn’t know whether would hold me, standing up to him the way I should’ve stood up to my ex.

The way I never thought I’d have to stand up to Nate. “I take effort, Nate, and more than that, I deserve effort. And to be clear, I’m not talking about taking five minutes out of your day to listen to a song. You’ve been busy with this case, something I totally understand, which is why I found another pianist to work with. When I called to tell you that a legit music publisher is going to listen to my song after I record the demo, and you didn’t get back to me until I was asleep, I brushed off my disappointment and made excuses for you.

“But here I am, weeks after the ink is dry on my divorce, lapsing into the same pattern I did with my ex, where I put aside my hopes and dreams to tend to his.”

“Really? That’s a low blow, comparing me to your douchebag ex.”

“Unfortunately, it’s the only scale I have, and while you fall so short on the asshole portion of the scale when I compare the two of you, on this point, where you believe your careers are more important, you’re neck and neck. You just hide it better. But admit it. You feel like your job is superior.”

He opened his mouth and closed it. Opened it again. “I didn’t say that.”

“But you’re not refuting it. I might not be keeping people out of jail or raking in the dough, but it doesn’t make my work insignificant. I thought that you’d understand, as you escape with the help of ivory keys. Honestly, I thought a lot of things that seem pretty silly now. You kept telling me that I’d never win when it came to you, and I should’ve listened. You’ll always have a comeback, and be able to debate and justify your way into being right, and so now you don’t have to. You win.”

“Willa, wait. This isn’t about winning or losing.”

“Isn’t it, though?”

“It’s not,” he insisted, and I lifted my watery gaze to his, entreating him to say something that proved this wasn’t a power struggle I was destined to lose. Even an ounce of understanding or a hint of an apology, and I’d never be able to pull myself away from the man dangerously close to becoming my center of gravity.

“If you think there was an ounce of sincerity in anything my uncle said, you’re being na?ve.”

His features blurred as tears overtook my eyes. There was no mention of my dreams or my music. No confession of feeling deeper for me. Only the insistence that he was right about his uncles. It managed to convince me I’d been wrong, but not about his uncle. Nope, it was about the faith he had in me, and that this would ever work.

I sniffed, my heart shattering into tiny little pieces. They rained down inside me with a tinkling noise at odds with the pain, infusing me with another truth I’d done my best to avoid stumbling across until too late.

I was in love with Nathan Fox. Head over heels for the cocky man next door, and yet, it wasn’t enough. It didn’t matter.

“Oh, I’m all over my naivety.” I sniffed, almost wishing I wasn’t so savvy or experienced in this area so I could go back to pretending. To blindly hoping. “And that’s the problem. You see that comparison I made. It wasn’t so much between you and Eric, or you and anyone else. It’s about me, and what happens when I give myself over to someone I care about.”

God, it hurt, those shards of my heart slipping into my bloodstream to slice deeper, leaving me bleeding and raw. At least my ex was wrong too, and I wished it provided more vindication. “Part of me wishes the spark wasn’t still there. That I didn’t know, without a doubt, that it’ll always be there whenever I think of you.”

His eyebrows drew together, his confusion showing through his handsome features, and I swiped at the tears streaming down my cheeks.

“But I have too much self-respect to allow myself to become a convenience, and more, I refuse to let my dreams come in second place ever again.”