4. Griffin
“Ahem, Earth to Griffin,” Micah says while waving a hand in front of my face. “What’s up with you? You keep turning over the puck!”
“Sorry,” I respond, blinking rapidly to try and escape the daze I’ve found myself stuck in. It’s just practice, but that’s not an excuse. While I should be fixating on controlling the puck, a voice causes my mind to wander elsewhere. A sweet, soft voice that’s repeating sweet nothings over and over again.
T-minus two days until I’ll be playing with Liddy again. Besides her being amazing at Hero Seek and getting us to a victory that I don’t even think Ross could have helped me achieve, she seems super down-to-earth and easy to talk to. Her voice, slightly high-pitched and bubbly, was music to my ears.
While my head fills with giddy thoughts about spending my night playing with her, I also realize that everything that we do has to remain online, which is difficult when I know that if I met her in real life, I’d absolutely enjoy every minute I got to spend with her. But we’re from different worlds. She’s an esports director somewhere, living a somewhat normal life. If she gets roped into the grandeur of celebrity life that comes with dating me, I would never forgive myself for getting her into something that she didn’t know about because we met in a nontraditional way. All online, all without seeing each other’s faces. It kind of feels like a spin on “Love is Blind,” except we were battling monsters at the same time.
We do a few more drills, and I end practice more exhausted than usual. The team quickly skates off the ice, and I try to blend in with them, avoiding any eye contact with Coach, who I know is going to tell me my performance sucks in three, two, one...
“Markey!” he yells after me. I twirl around and act like I’m surprised at hearing him call out to me.
“Yes? What’s up, Coach?”
“What’s up?” he mocks my tone. “What do you think is up, Markey? You played like absolute shit today.”
I bite my lip. “I’m sorry, Coach. A lot’s going through my mind right now.”
“Like what?”
My mouth forms a straight line. I’ve never really beefed with Coach. I mean, for the past ten years, I think he’s done a pretty decent job of coaching the team. He gives us pointers on how to work with one another, and he doesn’t get too hard on us when we have those bad days. His mentality is, “Keep trying hard, and we’ll get them next time.” But he’s not too enthused with me and my lackluster performance today.
“Just...stuff going through my head. I don’t know how to explain it.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose and keeps his eyes shut. “Look, Markey. I know we all have hard days, and I’m not saying your feelings aren’t valid, but we have a game tomorrow against LA that I want us to win. We’ll only be that much closer to playoff contention if we do. And you’re our All-Star. Your team needs you to make those goals so we have something to celebrate tomorrow.”
“Yes, Coach,” I sigh. Despite the internal monsters that I’ve been battling, I try to have a “team-first” attitude when it comes to work. It would be selfish of me to mope around all the time, focus solely on the challenges in my own life, and expect others to be dancing through life while experiencing the same thing.
“You’re a good player, Markey. And captain. These rookies look up to you. Show them that love of hockey you had when you first signed on to play for me.”
“Sure thing, Coach.” I will myself to smile. Picture it: the young, eager Griffin Markey had just moved to California from New Jersey at the ripe age of twenty-two and was over the moon that he got drafted to play for an NHL team. I could have gone in two different directions in college as a performing arts major-slash-athlete. I could have enjoyed my time playing college sports and then chosen to spend my adult life as a normal person. Which, I guess, with my major, would have been tricky anyway. I was a great piano player in college and initially set my sights on playing in a Broadway orchestra. But that kind of went along the wayside when my coach in college told me that teams were very interested in me. I was one of the top shooters in the NCAA, and while not every NHL player comes from a college team, scouts had their eye on me as early as my second year. I think about how I haven’t touched a piano to play my own music since my senior recital. People don’t look at me and think about my musical gifts; all they really think about is my hockey performance.I step back into the locker room, where my teammates are packing up their things before they leave. Tonight’s our games night, so Micah and I are heading to Ross’s to play card games and possibly other things if one of us can convince the others. Micah always tries to get us on a “mini-campaign,” but those always end up lasting eight hours.
“Hey,” Micah says, looking over into my locker from his. “You were talking to Coach?”
“Yeah,” I say, taking off my gear to put away. My body always feels so free after removing all the layers of protective armor that we have to put on.
“Did he bring up your lackluster performance today?”
I groan. “Is it really that big of a crime for me to have one bad day?”Micah rolls his eyes at my dramatics.
“Yes, he said I was off my game and wanted to get to the bottom of why my head wasn’t in it.”
“Did you tell him anything?”
I shake my head. “I mean, I just said I had a lot on my mind. What, am I supposed to say, ‘Hey Coach! Have you heard of this thing called anxiety? Well, I get it sometimes, womp womp! Guess my performance at practice is going to suck today.’ No, I didn’t tell him because he’ll tell me that I need to get over it and focus on the game.”
“Oh. Sorry, man. I know it’s been a tough few days for you. I didn’t mean to yell at you at practice today.”
“It’s fine.” I know he didn’t do it to cause harm. Micah never shows any outward feelings, so I don’t really know what makes him angry or anxious. Besides his infatuation with role-playing games, I don’t really know anything else about his life. I think he likes it that way. Wish I knew how to do the same.
“I, uh, am not the greatest with therapy or giving advice, but you know you can tell us when something is bothering you. Ross can give you his whole spiel about therapy and all that while I’ll nod like I agree.”
I laugh and reach to give Micah a pat on the shoulder. It’s rare in sports to find three players who have remained a part of the same team for so long. Maybe it’s fate, which means that we have to stick together and that I should be telling my friends what’s going on in my life, but I can’t even make sense of it myself. I sure as hell don’t know how to talk about it with them.
“Thanks, man. I’ll tell you when I can. There’s just...a lot going on.”
“You’re still coming to games night, right? That might help cheer you up.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t miss it. Do you need me to bring anything? Drinks? Snacks?”
“I don’t think so? Ross already has so much stocked in that damn fridge of his.”
“I have what?” Ross chimes in. He’s got his bag slung over his shoulder, already rearing to go.
“A stocked fridge for games night, right?”
“Pfft, of course I do. It’s like you don’t even know me. And I got something special planned tonight. When y’all see it, your minds are going to be blown.”
“Sure, man,” I tell him, feigning excitement. “Well, we better get a move on then to see what this special surprise is.”
“Uhhh, gimme like ten minutes to get ahead of y’all. I gotta get the oven hot.” Ross turns around and starts speed-walking out of the locker room and to his car.
“Watch the surprise be frozen pizza,” Micah says.
“Hey, I’m not going to say no to some frozen pizzas.”
We finish packing up, and I figure I might as well shower before heading over. I could shower at home, but I live a bit farther from Ross, so I head for the locker room showers and take my change of clothes with me.
I’m about to undress when my phone vibrates with a notification. I check where it’s coming from, and to my surprise, it’s a Discord notification.
DiddyLiddy: Finished a few games and my minions are Level 15! And I started training a few tanks that I think will be huge assists.
I chuckle softly to myself. I love how excited she’s become about playing. It makes me want to abandon everything and play with her tonight instead. I don’t back out from games nights though, and any excuse I could give to the guys will be BS because they literally saw me seconds ago.
PianoPuck18: Nice, tanks! What’d you snag? Forest golems?
DiddyLiddy: Yes! These things are HUGE. One step and SQUASHED.
PianoPuck18: lol can’t wait to see them in action.
DiddyLiddy: About 48 hours to go! Not that I’m counting or anything...
PianoPuck18: I like that you are :)
I look around, crossing my fingers that no one is going to be coming into the locker room, and sigh in relief when all I can hear is the whirring of the bathroom fan. I try to imagine Liddy’s sweet, high-pitched voice in my head as I read over her texts, adding energy when she says, “SQUASHED.” I wish I could keep my fingers glued to my phone for once instead of being social so I can play the game of “dreaming what Liddy’s expressions” are while I read over her texts.
I argue with myself that if we finish up at Ross’s by ten, I could save myself a little bit of time to talk to her. Maybe get one game in. It’s not what we had scheduled, but I can’t wait to hear her voice again.
PianoPuck18: Random q, I got a thing until 10 PM. Think you’d want to play a quick game when I get back? Maybe around 10:30?
PianoPuck18: sorry I shouldn’t assume. I’m in PST. might be a bit late if you’re in another time zone.
DiddyLiddy: oh! I’m in PST too. And I’m free. I can log on at 10:30 to play.
PianoPuck18: Sounds good I will give you a call then.
DiddyLiddy: yay can’t wait! :)
I quickly wash my hair and body under the hot shower, taking care of the hard-on that I developed from a measly text conversation with Liddy before bolting over to Ross’s. Whatever we do tonight has an end time, and once the clock strikes ten, I am making my way home and booting up Hero Seek.
I drive as fast as I can while still trying to be safe in the San Jose traffic. I park in Ross’s driveway and sprint out of the car, opening his door since he keeps it unlocked for us.
“Hey, I’m here!”
“In the kitchen!” Ross yells.
I see Ross’s dog Reaper, and give him a few cuddles before walking over to the kitchen. Micah and Ross are sitting around his kitchen island, drinking cans of craft beer while they watch episodes of Shuffle Up and Play!
“Did you make a pit stop at home?” Micah asked. “I thought we left the locker room at the same time.”
“I took a shower at the arena. I needed some freshening up.”
“You could have used my shower,” Ross notes. “Micah took a quick one here. You know I have the fancy rain shower head that comes down from the ceiling. Way better than those basic showers they have at the arena.”
“I just wanted to get it over with,” I tell them. I exclude the other part about getting off to a person I only know by username and an icon of a cartoon minion because I’m already judging myself, so I don’t need anyone else to do the same thing.
“Fair,” Ross says. “Oh! I didn’t tell you what the surprise was, Griff.”
“Let me guess, frozen pizzas?”
Ross’s jaw drops as he pulls out the cooked pizza from the oven. “How’d you know?”
I roll my eyes. Ross may have a lot of money, probably enough to hire a live-in chef, but his diet consists of comfort foods you can heat in the oven. Like pizza in the form of a bagel or a roll. “Because I know you and what kind of things bring you joy, aka multiple types of frozen pizzas. I’m not complaining, obviously.”
“Good,” he says, laying it out on the table. “Because there’re four different kinds to choose from.”
“But there’s only three of us,” Micah says.
“Whatever you don’t eat, you can take home. Duh. Now, eat up! Today’s game of choice is going to be a long one.”
I gulp. “Wait. What do you mean? What’d you pick, Monopoly?”
“Maybe...what’s it to you? Do you have somewhere to be tonight?” His eyes narrow at me, and I feel the large kitchen shrinking in on us.
“Yeah,” I nod. “Dammit. Okay, well, at like, ten thirty which is late anyway, when we have to be up at practice at eight in the morning! Can we do Monopoly another day?”
“Woah, woah, woah, back up, Griffin Yamamoto Markey. That’s right, I used the full name. Where do you need to be at ten thirty?”
“Home!” I countered. “Because it’s important to be well rested, considering we play on Friday.”
“Fair, but I smell bullshit,” Ross says. “You’ve never dipped out early from games night before or told us we need to be on a time crunch. So fess up. What’s really going on?”
Ughhhh. I hate that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you feel like you should be trusting your friends and spilling your life’s happenings to them, but they’re utterly cringeworthy.
“I started playing Hero Seek again.”
“That’s great, man. So you’re thinking about taking that sponsorship deal?”
“Maybe,” I shrug. “I still feel unsure about being in the spotlight in that capacity, but I’ve really enjoyed playing again.”
“That’s awesome. Well, I guess that’s valid reasoning to dip out early.”
Phew. That went better than I thought it would. I didn’t even need to mention Liddy, and my friends don’t even suspect a thing.
“So, are you playing with like, a friend or something?” Ross asks.
I start stuttering. The room suddenly feels dark, except for a spotlight cast on me.
“Um...” Just lie and move on, Griffin. Ross and Micah’s eyes widen at me and a loud gasp from Ross echoes in the room.
“Holy shit, you do!” Ross points an accusatory finger at me. “You traitor!”
“What the fuck? No, I’m not a traitor!”
“Well, you’re definitely keeping a secret from us. Why do you need to be home at a certain time? Unless you’re playing with someone. Who’s your new secret friend, Griffin?”
I bury my head on the marble countertop and slump towards the ground. I want to snap my fingers and turn invisible right now. My face is beet red and not from the glow I get from drinking.
“Oh my god, is it a woman? Is Griffin talking to someone online?”
Both guys raise their eyebrows in curiosity, and when the silence equates to an affirmative, Ross yelps like he’s discovered a cure for the common cold.
“You...Oh my god. Griffin’s in love!”
“I am not in love,” I stammer.
“Your blushing tomato face says otherwise,” Micah says.
“No one asked for your observation,” I note. “And I don’t even know the woman. For all I know, we could be like, not made for each other at all. We both just got matched up on Hero Seek and started playing on the same team. Then we exchanged Discords and started sending messages to each other, and I was supposed to wait to play with her on Saturday, but she messaged me that she was upgrading some things, and I thought I could just jump on tonight and play for a little bit. Sue me.”
“Oh, he’s in deep,” Ross says, flashing me a wink.
“Yeah, he is.”
“I’ll admit, but only because you two are my friends, that I kind of like her. I think we’d be good friends. Hell, I consider her a friend now. But I can’t have any romantic feelings for her. It’d be like falling in love with the equivalent of a Karen from Spongebob. Someone I only know through chatting on a computer.”
“That’s...a weird comparison,” Micah replies. “But I guess that’s a good way of putting it. Do you know where she lives? What if she’s nearby?”
“It’s never really come up in conversation.” And if I asked, it would really radiate creepy stalker vibes and ruin this whole dynamic. “All I know is that her screen name is DiddyLiddy because her nickname is Liddy. I don’t know what her actual name is. Lid-di-a? Lydia? Huh, maybe. Well that, and she’s also works in collegiate esports and lives in the same time zone as us.”
“Woah, collegiate esports! That’s pretty cool. Is she a pro-gamer?”
I shake my head. “I don’t think so. I think she does more of the business side of it. Like she said, she talks to alumni and tries to convince them to donate to the program. That, and she also has this coach that’s a sexist asshole that’s been making her job a living hell. That’s why she started playing. Because life at work got to be really stressful, so she needed to unwind one day and got on Hero Seek.”
“Well, for someone you just met on the internet, it sounds like you know a lot about her. How much does she know about you?”
“Just my screen name. And it’s going to stay that way. Probably forever.”
“Wait, so you don’t want to meet her in real life?”
“I do.” More than anything, I want to put a face to the name, to see her smile in front of me, and actually spend time talking without also thinking about killing minions online. But us meeting, even if casual at first, might lead to a lot of public attention, and I don’t want to subject anyone to a spotlight they aren’t prepared for. “But I don’t want us to meet for the first time and cause a media storm.”
“So what if you two get to know each other, and then she wants to meet you in real life? What are you going to do? Just be like, ‘Eh, sorry, I’m actually just not that into you?’ That’d be a pretty jerk move, G”
I groan. I really don’t want to lead her on. Maybe the only thing to do is create some distance? It will make me a certifiable jerk, but I’m going to hope that she never brings it up, and we can just continue to live in this bubble. By playing games and having a fun time.
Because we can definitely live in a bubble that’s never going to break, right?