18. Griffin
You can only stay so high for so long, because eventually you have to come down. And when I do, I crash.
We return home from Vegas to a tough shootout loss against Boston. It especially stings when it’s on our home rink because the fans filled the stands, thinking we could best a long standing good team, but success evades us. I don’t love how many goals I missed this game. I lost control of the puck and our team had too many penalties that caused the other team to score one too many times for it to even go into overtime.
To make myself better from a loss that is just a blip on our record, I log onto my computer and look up cities for a weekend getaway. I know that I literally just came back from Vegas, but I want nothing more than to spend alone time with Lydia. I’m ready to be away from San Jose for a little bit. I love the city, and there’s definitely a lot of good places to eat and drink within its city limits, but I haven’t explored California nearly as much as I should have.
There are a lot of cities on my wishlist: Carmel, Napa, Santa Cruz. I’m surprised I have yet to take a trip to any of these places. I’ve done San Francisco and we go to LA for games. We’ve even done a Disney trip post-game in Anaheim. But these tourist spots that show up on lists of “Top Places to Visit in California” have evaded me.
I find a nice modern resort in Napa that I think will be perfect for us. It’s a small, yet sprawling property with suites as the standard room type. Everyone who knows Napa, knows wine country. And there is plenty to eat on top of it. I think Lydia will really like it. She doesn’t know that I’ve decided to plan this trip. I haven’t really told her about the reasoning either. Since we’ve come back from Las Vegas, I can’t help but smile that things are looking up for Lydia. She’s returned to LGU with beaming confidence and a “not taking shit from no one” attitude. Her students have their first tournament next week, and Lydia’s been beaming when she talks about their practice games and how the esports world is not ready for Los Gatos University’s teams.
I book the hotel and attempt to pull some strings to get a dinner reservation at a top restaurant. The French Laundry would get me huge brownie points with Lydia. Hell, we’re talking Boyfriend of the Year award. People make last minute cancellations for that place, right?
I don’t have anywhere else to be for the day until Lydia gets off work, so I press refresh on the reservation site constantly, hoping something pops up. I keep my eyes peeled for anything this upcoming weekend and only to get up from my computer to use the bathroom.
Even when Ross gives me a call, I debate whether to pick it up. Well, I guess I can talk and keep my eye on the computer at the same time.
“What’s up?” I answer.
“Hello to you too. Doing anything right now? I’m craving pho.”
I realize that I haven’t eaten since our morning practice. What an opportune time for my stomach to start growling as a means to tell me I should probably put something in there.
“Pho sounds so good. But...I shouldn’t. I’m kind of working on something right now.”
“What can you possibly be working on that’s more important than eating pho?” Ross asks impatiently. He’s definitely not going to like the response I give as a valid enough reason to bail on him.
“I’ll have you know, I’m working on something very important. It’s for Lydia.”
“Oooooh. Okay, lover boy. Don’t tell me you’re already going engagement ring shopping?”
I wish he could see me rolling my eyes at my computer. It is way too early to be thinking about engagement rings and all the things that lead beyond that. Even though I’ve confessed my love to her, and I think that we’re in love with each other enough to make big commitments like move in together, get married, and everything that might follow after that. But we just started officially dating. I want to be able to enjoy every minute of just being in love with Lydia. And showing that love in every way that I can.
“No. I’m planning a weekend getaway.”
“Wait, really?” Ross sounds surprised. “That...sounds nice. What are you thinking?”
“I’m trying to plan a trip to Napa.” And Ross is distracting me from my mission to constantly hit the refresh button to ensure I swoop an open reservation for this weekend. “Ugh, does anyone cancel their reservation at French Laundry?”
“Hold up. Are you trying to get a reservation for French Laundry? For this weekend? Good luck with that. You know people book like, three months in advance for that restaurant.”
“Yes, I’m fully aware.” Maybe I should have tried making this happen earlier. But three months ago I only knew Lydia as a character in a video game. I would’ve needed to be completely smitten with her to have booked a reservation for a three-star Michelin restaurant with what knowledge, or lack thereof, I had of Lydia back then. “I’m just hoping that someone cancels like...with two days notice. Like if someone is too sick to go or they broke up and can’t go anymore.” Man, I must be really fucked up to be wishing demise onto someone for my own personal gain.
“Well, I’m rooting for you, pal. You still want to go get pho?”
My stomach grumbles, so I think I need to give up trying for a moment and put some food in my stomach.
Ross offers to pick me up and drive to our go-to spot in Vietnam Town so I can keep my eyes glued to my phone and the restaurant’s reservation platform. But after refreshing the page a total of five times as we approached the restaurant, I decided it wasn’t worth the effort and instead, opted to book a table at the hotel’s restaurant on-site. Apparently, they have one Michelin star, which is still an amazing feat.
“You are really dropping the dough for one weekend. A stay at a resort that costs over a thousand per night? And then a three-course dinner that’ll rack up another, what, five hundred for you two? And don’t even get me started on how many wineries you’re planning on hitting up.”
“So?” I shrug. I love Lydia, and I think that she deserves a weekend away. Money isn’t an issue for me, and Ross knows that. I don’t know what prompts him to start asking questions about my intentions with the money I earn.
“It just seems unlike you. That’s all. You’re one of the most frugal people I know, so sorry if I’m feeling a little surprised at this recent change in behavior.”
“Sure,” I mutter into my soup spoon. “Look, I know that I’ve spent much of my life being very minimal on spending. But...this time is different. I’m in love.” It tickles my tongue, that L-word. They tell you love makes you do some outrageous things, and this might just be me seeing that. No person has ever made me derail my travel plans, spend an exorbitant amount on a getaway, and overall, just make me feel...unlike myself. I’m happier. I feel like I can go out more and not care who has their eyes on me. Maybe Lydia was right from the get-go, it just took someone to believe in me to make me do something that scares me.
“Lovesick,” Ross counters with a wink. “Hey man, I’m happy for you. It’s one of the best feelings in the world, being in love. Or so I remember. The last time I felt anywhere near to being in love with someone was the summer before I went to college.”
“Really?” I slurp a heaping of noodles into my mouth. Ross and his love life are a tight-lipped subject. He’s not the one to come home each night with a different woman. I guess maybe because there’s someone still occupying his thoughts. “Someone from back home?”
“Yeah,” he looks out the window of the restaurant. “She’s…still living at home, I think. Her dad owns a pinball museum. They’re like, super dedicated to the community. She’s one of those people who will probably never leave the home she grew up in.”
“Got it.” I thought I could be the same, once upon a time. I had my eyes set on a New Jersey or New York team just because I wanted my parents to have the same level of support they’d given to my brothers and their endeavors. Because now I’m thousands of miles away and too “out of the way” to be supported at games. “Well, maybe your paths will cross again someday.”
“Maybe.” Ross has turned all melancholic now as he stares at the green onion and broth remnants in front of him. “This is why I don’t think about these kinds of things. I get all sad about the one who got away and shit. Promise me whatever happens, it doesn’t make you lose sight of the game. Because these women leave marks in your head that last forever.”
I nod. It’s easy for me to say, “Of course, I’m going to stay focused,” but it’s still early. We’re in the classic “honeymoon stage,” where it feels like nothing can shake up the love that we have for one another. That throughout the hardships, we’ll survive. I guess this weekend will be the first chance I’ll have to test those waters because now there’s something worth fighting for. Something that I’m actually holding onto for as long as I’m living.
I try to keep our destination a secret from Lydia, as we drive two hours north from San Jose to Napa. I turn my head for a moment and watch her look out the window as we pass Emeryville and the IKEA alongside the freeway.
“Are you sure you don’t want to tell me where we’re going? Otherwise, I’m just going to keep asking until we get there.”
“I’m sure,” I reassure her. I extend my arm out to put my hand on her thigh, which is bouncing up and down in soft, fast movements. “You’ll like it, don’t worry.”
“I’m not worried. That much. I just...I don’t know. Surprises make me anxious, even if they’re good ones. I like being in control and scheduling everything on my own. When things are out of my control, my mind fills with thoughts of what-ifs and what could it be.”
“Well, let’s do something that can take your mind off of things.” I rub her thigh, and the bouncing subsides. “We should be there in about an hour anyway. We’re approaching, what, Berkeley? Where the school is? Did you ever want to go there?”
“Eh, yeah. I feel like it was engrained by my college counselor, though. Berkeley was so many of my classmates’ dream school. Valid, as it’s one of the best schools in the country. I applied, but I didn’t get accepted. I think I would’ve liked it though. There are a lot of opportunities—they have one of the best business programs and lots of chances to work with companies in and around the area with it being so close to SF. In the end, LGU felt like it was the best place for me to go. Sure, it was close to home, and I know people want to escape the home they grew up in, but a part of me thought that I needed to stay here to fulfill my life’s purpose. Which I guess I learned later on in life would be to head up LGU’s first pro esports team. Funny how everything falls into place when you least expect it.”
“Yeah,” I smile. “Funny, I was kind of thinking about that the other day. Ross and I were talking about things we left behind in our hometowns, and for a lot of my life, I wanted to remain close to my family. I went to college in New York, I kept my eyes on any New York or New Jersey team in hopes they’d draft me, and then I was drafted first round by San Jose. I was nervous to move to a team that was on the opposite coast from where I grew up, but it allowed me to explore a new place. And, whatever happens after my contract is up, wherever I go, I’ll always think of San Jose as my home. Plus, being here led me to you.”
“It did.” She grips my hand resting on her thigh and interlaces her fingers with mine. “When’s your contract up?”
“I’m an unrestricted free agent, so I technically don’t have a timeframe on when my contract is up like baseball or basketball. I’ve been playing for the NHL for long enough that I have this thing called a ‘Non-Movement Clause,” so it just means I can’t be traded without approval.”
“Would there be a scenario where you might consider moving?”
“If I get traded with a good salary, then I may.” I know teams have their eye on me. It’s just a matter of one of them spending what I think my worth is and extending a contract my way.
The car goes quiet, save for the sound of the radio playing the alternative indie music I queued up for the drive. This conversation curbed Lydia’s anxiety for a little bit, but I might have just brought it back with talks of moving and the looming possibility of long distance.
“Everything okay?” I ask.
“Yeah,” she sighs. She takes in a deep breath and exhales onto the passenger side window while we cross the bridge to Vallejo.
“It doesn’t sound like you’re okay,” I counter.
“I...I’ll be fine. I just...didn’t realize that there’s a very real possibility that you could be traded and move and be far away from me and...I never thought about long distance.”
My heart sinks, and I frown, quickly glancing at my phone to ensure I don’t miss the exit coming up in a few short miles. I don’t want this weekend to be filled with negative thoughts, and I’m starting to feel anxious that I might’ve ruined this weekend, when we haven’t even arrived at our destination yet.
“Hey,” I squeeze her hand a little tighter. “We’re not going to think about that now. I did not just drop an undisclosed amount of money on a weekend getaway for us to mope about the future. No matter what happens with me, where I might go if I decide to move on from here, I’m not going to just drop everything and give up on us because it might be hard. I’m never going to give up on us.”
“I won’t either,” she reassures me, tilting her lips up into a small smile. As I stroke her knuckle with my thumb, I make a mental promise to myself that even if things get hard, I won’t stop loving her. I won’t stop working on ensuring I’m the best version of myself because Lydia deserves it. She deserves everything.