Meant For Her

1. Dakota

The bed dips beside me as I slowly open my eyes. The sunlight streams in from the side curtains as I wait to see who’s climbing into bed. Soft movement behind me has me guessing it’s one of my girls. I smile and wait for it, then I feel it. The knee in the back as they try to crawl on the bed, then the hand on my shoulder. “Mommy,” Luna says, trying not to speak loud but not knowing how to whisper. “Mommy, I awake.” She leans over me, shoving her face into mine. Her soft brown hair falls around her face and lands on mine, tickling me.

I try not to laugh when I roll over and wrap my arms around her, bringing her to me. “Happy birthday, my little one.” I turn, cuddling her in my arms as I kiss her neck four times. “Four birthday kisses,” I say, kissing her again three times, this time as she giggles in my ear. “So what does the birthday girl want for breakfast?”

She releases a huge sigh as if she’s deciding the future of the world. “I want pancakes.” She turns to me. “No, no.” She holds out her index finger. “Waffles.” Her eyes go big and the smile even bigger. “Wait, no.” She gets on her knees. “French toast.” I wait for it, knowing that she’ll change her mind again. “Mommy.” She claps her hands. “Breakfast taco!” She folds her hands together. “Like Uncle Chrissy.” I throw the cover off me as I slide my feet into my pink Ugg slippers. “Pancake with scrappled eggs.”

“Scrambled,” I correct her, and she nods.

“And sausage.” She holds both her hands outstretched. “With maple syrup.”

“That’s a big breakfast,” I tell her. “Don’t forget, we have your birthday party this afternoon.”

“I’m hungry.” She stands in the middle of my bed in her pink nightgown. “Like a hungry, hungry hippo.”

I chuckle and look at the side table where my phone is, touching the screen to see that it’s just after 6:00 a.m., giving me enough time to make her the breakfast tacos, and she will still be okay for her birthday party.

“Okay, I’m going to brush my teeth, and you should do the same.” I move my hand in front of my nose. “You almost killed me with your morning breath.”

She bounces from her feet to her bum, then scoots off the bed. “Your breath smells gooey.”

She runs out of my room. “Don’t wake your sister up,” I warn softly. She looks over her shoulder and smirks at me when she gets to my door, just like her father.

I stand here for a minute, looking at the side of the bed that has again gone unslept in. I look down at my feet before walking toward my bathroom.

The white floors shine in the sunlight. The four windows brighten the room so much you don’t have to turn on any lights during the day. I use the toilet, then walk over to the double sink, grabbing my pink toothbrush from the middle cabinet. As I brush my teeth, I ignore looking over at Benji’s side of the bathroom. His side still has stuff out from last night when he used it before he went out to meet some friends, instead of staying in with me and watching a movie or just staying with the kids.

I put my toothbrush back before I wipe my hands on the white hand towel. Then I grab my phone and walk toward the double doors. Rain’s door is still closed, which means she’s still sleeping. She’s six going on thirteen, but I think she’s seeing a lot of things kids shouldn’t see. Walking down the winding staircase, I see Benji’s keys on the table at the door. “At least he’s home,” I mumble as I walk past the formal dining room we hardly use.

I make my way to the back of the house, where we spend most of our time. When I walk into the kitchen, I look over to the family room and see Benji sleeping on the couch, one foot on the floor, one on the couch. His pants are unbuckled, and his shirt is lifted on one side. His collar is stained with what looks like red lipstick. Nine months ago, this would have cut me off at my knees. Now, it’s just like a kick in the stomach. I walk closer to him, his head turned to the side where he has the same color of stain on the side of his neck. His scruff from not shaving for the past two weeks is getting thicker, but that’s what you get when you’re on summer vacation. I notice a small plastic bag with two white pills in it on the coffee table.

My blood boils when I hear footsteps on the stairs. I bend down and grab the bag in my hand before turning around and bending to knock his hand. He mumbles in his sleep before he turns his head to the side. The footsteps sound closer, so this time, I bend down and push his shoulder, making his eyes snap open. “Huh?” He looks at me, trying to get his eyes to focus. “What?”

“Luna is up and coming down the stairs,” I tell him, “and you stink like a skank. She even left her mark on you this time.” I point at his neck, and he rolls his eyes right before he turns over.

“Stop busting my balls,” he mumbles, “it was a friend.”

“Trust me, the last thing I want is to get anywhere near your balls,” I hiss at him. “Now get the fuck up, your daughter is coming.”

I kick the couch before turning away and walking into the kitchen. “Daddy!” Luna shouts his name as she runs into the room and jumps on the couch. I toss the contents of the plastic bag into the garbage disposal before turning on the water and starting it, hoping that it makes more noise than it should.

“Daddy, Daddy,” Luna calls out again. This time sitting next to him as his face is turned away from her, his arm now wrapped around her bottom to make sure she doesn’t fall. “Daddy, it’s my birthday,” she announces to him proudly.

“Yeah,” he slurs. “Happy…” His eyes close.

I grit my teeth. “Luna, why don’t you come and help me make the pancakes.” I smile at her, hoping she comes without asking any questions. “Benji!” I shout his name, and he lifts his head. “Go lie down upstairs in the playroom.”

He sits up, kissing Luna on the top of the head, before stumbling to his feet and walking out of the room. I watch him walk out before turning back to see Luna on the couch watching her father walk away. “Do you want to do the eggs for the pancake tacos?” I ask, trying to redirect her attention. It doesn’t take much since she’s only four.

She comes running into the kitchen, standing beside the big gray marble island, hopping on the chair I have at the side. “I want to do the eggs,” she informs me, and I walk over to start the pod in the coffee machine first before walking over to the industrial, double-doored, stainless-steel fridge. Opening it, I grab the clear basket that holds the eggs. I put it in the middle of the island before bending down to grab a plastic mixing bowl.

“Here you go.” I put the bowl in front of her and grab two eggs. “Start with this.” She smiles at me as I walk to grab my coffee.

“Mom,” Rain says when she walks into the kitchen, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, “Dad came into my bedroom and fell on my bed.” She walks around the island to come to me. I open my arms for her as she hugs me around my waist. “And he stinks.”

“He needs to brush his teeth,” Luna states, cracking the egg on the counter and then smashing it in her hands and into the bowl, shells and all.

“I’m making breakfast tacos for Luna’s birthday,” I say. She smiles at me, then walks over to Luna.

“Happy birthday, Luna.” She gets on her stool with her.

“Why don’t you two go watch television, and I can cook breakfast?” I urge them as Rain steps off the stool and holds her hand out for her. Luna steps down and puts her hand in her sister’s as they walk to the family room.

Five hours later, my in-laws are ringing the doorbell and entering the house. “Where is the birthday girl?” my father-in-law, Eddie, says.

“It’s me! It’s me!” Luna runs out of my bedroom toward the stairs. “I’m the birthday girl.”

“Be careful!” I shout as I hear her walking down the stairs before sliding my feet into my black sling-back shoes.

“You grew overnight,” my mother-in-law, Gretchen, says to her.

“Hey,” Benji mumbles before entering our bedroom. “What the fuck are my parents doing here so early?”

“It’s almost noon, and the guests will be here for your daughter’s birthday party in an hour,” I remind him. “You know, the thing we’ve discussed all week.”

He runs his hands through his black hair. “Yeah, I know. I just thought it was earlier than noon.”

“Well, when you walk into the house at five thirty, noon feels like six o’clock, I guess.”

“Are you keeping tabs on me?” He puts his hands on his hips.

“You think I have time to keep tabs on you?” I shake my head. “I have two kids to keep up with. The last person I have time to keep tabs on is a grown-ass adult.”

“Sounded like you were keeping track of when I was coming and going.” He takes his shirt off, and I see the bite mark right next to his nipple. He’s not even trying to hide anything these days. I blink away the tears fighting to come out.

“Not that you can comprehend anything when you are like this”—I walk over to grab my phone and put it in the back pocket of my white jeans—“but we have a Ring cam that alerts me when someone is at the door.” I look over at him as he pulls down his pants, leaving him in just his boxers. “That’s the only reason I know what time you came home.”

“Don’t be a pain in the ass.” He tosses his pants toward his closet. “I have the biggest headache.”

“I bet,” I mumble. “For today, we can pretend it’s all shits and giggles,” I say to his retreating back as he walks into the bathroom, “but I’d like to have a conversation with you.”

“About?” he asks over his shoulder. “I really have to focus on my training.” He mentions his off-ice training that he should be doing but isn’t putting effort into it.

“Well, I’m sure you can spare me a couple of minutes,” I throw over my shoulder, walking out of the bedroom and closing the door.

Walking down to the kitchen, I find the caterer setting up. “Hi,” I say as I make my way to the backyard, where it’s being transformed into a carnival-themed birthday party. They are setting up the blow-up bouncy houses next to the popcorn stand.

“Mommy,” Luna says, running to me, “they brought a pony.” When she tells me, my eyes go big, and I smile.

“Grandma says I get a turn first because it’s my special day.” She jumps up and down, and all I can do is smile at her. Nothing is going to ruin her day.

Benji comes out thirty minutes later, wearing shorts and a T-shirt, his hair still wet from the shower. His bloodshot eyes are now clear thanks to either his eye drops or who knows what else. He stops beside me for a second. “Hey,” he says, kissing my cheek as if nothing was just said before. As if he didn’t come home after God knows what. “This is nice. Where is the birthday girl?” He looks around and walks away from me in Luna’s direction.

“He looks good, right?” I look to my right, where my father-in-law watches Benji tickle a squealing Luna.

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that,” I say before being called inside about something. I don’t get a chance to say anything else because guests start arriving.

For the whole afternoon, we both pretend that our life isn’t falling apart. Or at least I’m pretending. I’ll do what I need to do to make sure my girl has the best birthday.

Even when the cake comes out, and we stand behind it with the girls in front of us, we pose for pictures like we’ve done a thousand times before. His hand is around my waist, but I put one hand on each girl”s shoulder instead of around him.

Guests stay way after the kids’ bedtime. When I finally walk upstairs with Luna sleeping on my shoulder, Rain trails me. “Go put your pj’s on,” I tell her as I walk into Luna’s room, taking off her shoes. I just let her sleep in the shorts and T-shirt she changed into when she got soaking wet after accidentally turning on the hose to help the pony get a drink of water.

Closing Luna’s door softly behind me and walking into Rain’s room, I see Benji walking into the house at the same time. “I’m going to go for a drive.” He looks up at me and walks out the front door, closing it softly behind him.

I tuck Rain in before walking back to my bedroom and getting ready for bed. I’m so tired I fall asleep within a couple of minutes.

I’m the first to wake up the following morning, seeing it’s just a bit after seven. I slide my slippers on and go to make myself a coffee before everyone wakes up. Seeing Benji on the couch again, I roll my eyes, going over to him. His skin looks so pale, and when I get closer to him, I know something is wrong. I bend down and shake him, but his body feels stiff and cold to the touch. “Benji!” I shout his name while the back of my neck feels like it’s on fire. Even the follicles on my head are hot and tingly. “Benji!” I yell again, my voice more frantic as I try to nudge his shoulder. “Oh my God. Oh my God.” I put my hand to my mouth at the same time I hear footsteps on the stairs. My fear turns to panic as I run out of the room and meet Luna at the bottom of the stairs. “Go upstairs,” I urge her, and she just whines.

“I’m hungry.” I don’t wait to answer her before I pick her up and run up the stairs. On the way to my bedroom, I see Rain come out of hers. “Don’t go downstairs!” I shriek. “Come in my bedroom, now.” I don’t wait for her to come to me. Instead, I walk to her and grab her hand by the wrist and drag her with us into my room. The tears are now freely running down my face. I put Luna down on her feet, closing the bedroom door behind me and standing in front of it. “Go get me my phone.” I point at my bedside table, the girls looking at me with fear. “Rain,” I say to her, “please go and get me my phone right now.”

She runs to my bedside table, bringing the phone back to me, and I dial my father-in-law, Eddie, who answers after one ring. “Hello.”

“Eddie,” I say his name as the sob rips through me, “you need to come over here. Benji—” My knees give out on me as I sink to the floor, knowing my life will never again be the same from this day forward.