Chapter Thirty-Eight
Now
Jasper
The last couple weeks have been rough. If this were a couple of years ago, I would have sunk into a deep depressive episode. Now, I’ve learned ways of managing it.
When I returned to my house, hours after I left Avery with the signed divorce papers she pleaded for, I wasn’t surprised she was gone. Of course, I hoped she’d realized how much she loved me and how it would be a mistake for her to marry anyone else.
Avery left me for the second time, and now I’m numb to it—broken down and defeated again.
She wonders why I never went after her, because I knew she wanted more.
Just like now. She desires something else, and whether it’s going to make her happy in the future or not, unfortunately, we’re both caught in the crossfire.
I walked right into the house, got one last whiff of her scent before I knew I’d be gone forever, then headed back to the waves. I spent the entire day on the water.
“I can’t believe she left again.” Easton empathetically hands me a beer.
Neither can I. The past couple of weeks have been hell. I might be stronger than I was when I was nineteen, but it still cuts like a fucking knife—a gut punch that repeatedly hits whenever I’m flooded with an old memory. And now, I have more recent ones to add to the rolodex of pain.
“I know. It fucking sucks,” I admit, then take a large gulp of the cool beverage.
Riley sits back in his chair, crossing his arms against his chest. “I know that you two love each other. For something to have lasted as long as it did—”
“Especially with you not seeing each other for that many years,” Bodhi interjects.
“Exactly. It surprises me that neither one of you is fighting harder,” Riley continues.
I grip the handle on the beer mug, bringing it to my mouth again. It doesn’t even taste good. I hate beer. “I can’t convince my wife to be with me.” I wave the server over. “Can I get an old-fashioned?” I ask when she reaches the table.
Bodhi exaggeratedly rolls his eyes. “The fact is that you still refer to her as your wife—”
“She was until two weeks ago,” I spit.
“Did you honestly think she would just stay married to you forever?” Riley asks condescendingly.
Easton shakes his head in disapproval. “You fucked up, man.”
“She left me.” I defend myself. I shouldn’t need to. My friends were around for the aftermath of her leaving the first time. And now, I’m hanging on by a thread. “Twice.”
“I’m not trying to be a broken record, because we all know you’ve heard this before, but she needed you back then.
” Easton brings up a painful truth about our past. “What she went through was scary as hell. And before you get upset at me, yes, I remember what it did to you. I also remember suggesting to you back then you should have gone after her.”
For years, I held on to a tremendous amount of regret about what happened.
What my friends don’t realize is that Avery is going to do what she wants to do.
And even if I had tried to go after her, would she have wanted me to?
What if she would have come to resent me at some point?
I couldn’t live with myself. I felt it was better for me to stay here and wait—for her to return or eventually get divorce papers.
“If you’re trying to make me feel better, you’re failing miserably.” I turn to Bodhi. “A little help?”
Bodhi sips his beer, looking in the opposite direction.
I slam my hands on the table. “Fuck you guys.”
“You love Arizona,” Riley states matter-of-factly. “On your first anniversary, one year after my brother married you guys.” He pauses, sipping his light beer. “You said the one regret you had was not fighting harder.”
I’m flooded with a brief memory of the day I drove over to Helen’s looking for Avery when I found out she was gone.
Easton had spoken to her the night before.
He thought he was being a good friend by coming to the beach house to tell me she was leaving—and he was.
But the moment he handed me my mother’s ring back, I knew it was over.
Avery had chosen, and there was nothing I could do to change her mind.
“Here’s your fucking chance, you chickenshit,” Bodhi snaps, waving the server back over to our table. “I’m starving.”
“You guys are not making this situation any better,” I say, although my friends are right.
We order an unnecessary number of appetizers and take turns talking about our jobs before the conversation comes back to Avery and me.
“I heard about the run-in you had with Melanie and Avery,” Easton mentions with a snug look.
Bodhi takes a bite from his poke bowl. “When did this happen?”
“When she was here a couple of weeks ago. We all sort of ran into each other at Marv’s,” I say.
Easton chuckles. “You mean when you followed her and Helen to dinner?”
Riley clenches his jaw, smirking. “Why am I not surprised?”
“You three are starting to piss me off with all this shit-talking,” I threaten, tossing my napkin on the table.
“Good,” Bodhi quips. “Get your fucking girl.”
“Don’t you think I would have done it already if it were that easy?” I retort. “I can’t force her to be with me.”
“Look, I hear you.” Riley’s arm extends across the table. “But you’ve dated off and on for years, and no one has come close to Avery.”
“She’s the only one we liked too,” Eason adds.
Bodhi rubs his jaw, his eyes facing upward. “I liked Melanie.”
“No, you didn’t,” I correct him.
He shrugs his shoulders. “She was hot.”
Easton nods his head in agreement. “Yeah, you could be with her. Who knows. She could be the next future Mrs. Collins.”
“Mrs. Mayor Collins,” Riley jokes.
The thought of any other woman having my last name makes me feel sick. It was Avery’s first, even though she never formally changed hers.
“Absolutely not,” I say, swirling the spherical ice around in my old-fashioned.
“Why not?” Bodhi presses.
Annoyed once again, I huff in frustration. “Because she’s not Avery!”
Fuck. They’re right. There will be something wrong with every woman I try to be with—none of them will ever be Avery. I will continue to find reasons why they aren’t for me, listing all their imperfections.
I was clear with my intentions that day in my kitchen.
Was it enough? Does she need me to make up for my absence that day in the hospital?
I don’t know. But what I’ve done until this point has not allowed me to move on.
And with what happened between us when she was here, is there any indication about where her heart is? That should be my answer.
I swam the last of the whiskey from my glass and slam it onto the table. “I’m going to go to Arizona.”
“Are you going to Arizona, or are you going to get Arizona?”
My eyes narrow. “Get. I’m going to get her.”
“Finally,” Easton comments, wiping a hand down his face.
I give him a quick fist bump and say an even quicker goodbye to Riley and Bodhi. “I’ll keep you guys updated.”
By the time I exit the restaurant, I’m already on my phone looking up flights to Phoenix.