Midlife Woes

Chapter 7

The dickless wonder that I’d been married to for way too long rushed to help his new mother-in-law up off the floor, and I shook my head as I took my first sip of the life-saving brew and lamented the fact that I’d given that asshole the best years of my life. Well, at least I got my awesome kids out of the deal.

Now, I’ve known this Marly twit for more than a quarter of a century, so I know her theatrics very well, and she didn’t disappoint this time. As soon as she was on her feet again, something she was not accustomed to with her bed-hopping ways, she started breathing fire.

“You stay away from my husband, you bitch.” Jealousy is an ugly thing, especially on a used-up middle-aged tramp. I was in no mood to deal with her mess, not the way she wanted anyway. I reached for my cell phone that had been left on the counter last night and, ignoring the both of them, punched in some numbers.

“Hey, Pressy, hi; I was just calling to see how you’re doing this morning.” Her eyes bugged out of her head, and the tampon string that was still attached to my ass was fit to be tied. I’d made a misstep, though, in my little cosplay, Preston sounded way too excited to hear my voice.

“Jolene? Hey, I didn’t expect to hear from you.”

“Why ever not?”

“Well, I thought you only wanted to tell me about Ann and your husband. I plan to deal with that today, by the way.”

“Ex-husband! Anyway, I just wanted to call and thank you for last night; it’s been ages since I’ve felt so alive.”

“Oh, okay! I guess I can say the same. Jolene, what’re you up to?”

Say what now? How would he know that I was up to something? It’s been years since we’d been close enough for him to know my little peccadilloes.

“I’m not doing anything, just enjoying my morning coffee.” And watching two middle-aged sluts about to pass out from distress on my kitchen floor. “I guess I’ll talk to you later; I have to take out the trash.” I hung up the phone, feeling only slightly greasy for using him like that.

“What the hell is all the noise….? Oh.” Sheila came into the kitchen wearing the old, tattered robe she always wears on mornings like this. “Jolene, you need to call the exterminator.”

“What?” I thought she saw something and started looking around for bugs.

“You’ve got a rat infestation.” She sneered at Marly and Kevin like they were dog shit she’d stepped in and walked over to steal my coffee.

“Hey!” I walked over to get my own while she hummed with pleasure at the first sip.

“Good morning to you too, Sheila.” Kevin tried his luck while Marly looked on sourly. She knew better than to try with Sheila, who had never liked her.

“Jo, you didn’t tell me you were running a halfway house for societal rejects. Oh shit, did I sleepwalk to the local free clinic?” She squinted her eyes around the kitchen. “Ain’t enough penicillin in the world.” This girl!

She turned to rest against the counter next to me, and we both looked at them. “Why is she here?” She looked at me, ignoring them.

“She found out about Pressy and me.”

“Stop calling him that.” Marly screeched.

“How did she know? I thought he doesn’t talk to her anymore since he left her ass?”

“Beats me. I just got off the phone with him, and he didn’t even mention her, so who knows.” There was a ruckus outside before the door opened, and my kids walked in. My eyes widened in surprise when the four of them walked past their dad without acknowledging him.

Now, I’m not one of those women who would turn her kids against their spouse because he’s a piece of shit. But neither am I the type to curtail their natural emotions. Besides, they”re all adults now. “Morning, Mom, morning, Aunt Sheila. Uh-oh, she’s wearing the robe.” Todd was the first one to walk over to greet us while the others followed.

“You don’t look hung over, Aunt Sheila; how come you’re wearing the robe?” Sheila waved her hand with the coffee cup in my direction.

“Your mom showed her backside at Smiley’s last night, not me.”

“You kids really not going to talk to me? I won’t let you disrespect me in my house.”

Before I could answer him, my oldest son stepped in. My Todd is a very laid-back jock, the fun one who always makes everyone smile and happy. But the look on his face when he turned to his dad was one I had never seen before.

“This is not your house; this is Mom’s home. It stopped being yours when you cheated on the family.”

“I didn’t…”

“When you cheated on her, you cheated on all of us. You’re the one who destroyed what once was, so don’t expect everything to stay the same.”

His brothers and sister moved to stand beside him in solidarity, and I couldn’t be prouder. But I thought I should stop this before it got out of hand. “Kids…” I put my hand on Todd’s shoulder, but my idiot ex had to open his mouth.

“You don’t talk to me like that. I’m still your dad.”

“That’s debatable.” I saw the light die in Kevin’s eyes at Savanna’s retort. She was always a daddy’s girl from the day we brought her home from the hospital. What did this idiot expect to happen?

“What do you mean?” His voice sounded hurt, and for the first time since this happened, I felt a pang of pity for him.

“Ask yourself this: If my husband or boyfriend did the same thing to me, how would you feel? That’s the same way we feel about what you did to our mother. And you, what the hell are you doing here?”

She turned her ire onto Marly, who was just standing there doing her rendition of a guppy. “You should leave and tell your skank of a daughter that when I see her, I’m going to beat her ass black and blue.” I started to intervene again, but this time, Sheila pulled me back and shook her head no.

“Mom, didn’t you pay your garbage collection dues this month? The trash is piling up.” My poor daughter was shaking, and she was so upset. And as if the day wasn’t already going to shit, my harpy of a mother-in-law came waltzing through the door, followed by her husband.

“Don’t you dare speak to your father like that.” No good morning, nothing.

“Your son is not my father. My father would never have treated my mom like that.” Tyler, the baby of the family, piped up, and it finally dawned on me that my kids had gotten together and come to a decision.

“Jo, I don’t smell any cinnamon and brown sugar; what gives? Oh, Sheila’s wearing the robe; you two hungover again?” My father-in-law walked over to kiss my cheek with a twinkle in his eye. “Since no one is cooking around here, how about I take my daughter-in-law and her kids out to breakfast? You too, Sheila. I’m still part of the family, right?”

“That depends on whether or not you agree with what your son did to my mom.”

He turned to Todd and shook his hand. “Hello, kid, I’m Switzerland. Jolene, Sheila, go get dressed; I’m hungry.”

“That sounds good. I could go for a nice full breakfast and a pitcher of mimosas.” Sheila started to leave the room.

“Didn’t you drink enough last night?” Father-in-law laughed.

“Nope, I was the designated driver for your daughter-in-law last night.” I started to follow her but stopped in front of Marly, who looked very out of place in my kitchen.

“You still here?” I leaned into her face and lowered my voice so my kids couldn’t hear. “I’m going to fuck the shit out of Pressy.” Kevin, who overheard that started his shit, but I ignored both of them and left as my father-in-law Dalton lit into his son and the community cum dump.