Midlife Woes

15. Jolene

Isat staring at the wall after the call from my lawyer. I looked forward to this day for so long, but now that it was here, I wasn’t sure how I felt. There was numbness, sorrow, fear, and so much more that I can’t put into words.

I was still sitting in a daze ten minutes later when the doorbell rang. I opened it and was surprised to see who was standing there. “Daddy?” It has been a while since my parents came all the way out here from their vacation place in the boondocks.

We talk every day on the phone, so they know what’s been going on in my life, but I didn’t expect them to make the trek out here, especially in the middle of his vacation. “May I come in?”

“What kinda question is that, Daddy? Of course, you can come inside.”

I stepped out of the way, and he followed me inside to the kitchen, where I headed for the coffee pot out of habit. “You hungry, Daddy? Should I fix you something?”

“Stop fussing about and sit down. Where’s your staff?”

“They’re gone for the day. There isn’t really much for them to do, so I let them leave by noon most days.” He nodded his head and accepted his coffee, which was made just the way he liked it. Cream and a shit ton of sugar.

“So, what brings you here?”

“Your mama has been keeping me up to date with what’s been going on with you and Kevin.” Oh no, please don’t try to convince me of anything because I’m already feeling raw as it is.

I didn’t voice this out loud, but he knows me well enough, I guess, to know my train of thought. “I’m not going to tell you what you should or should not do. You’re the only one who knows what’s best for you. I have only one thing to ask.”

“What might that be?”

“Some people, if they have a vase that gets broken, they can patch it back up and go along about their lives, not caring that that vase is no longer the same. Some people, even though the vase has been patched up, and no one else can see the cracks, and where it was glued back together, they know where every crack is and try to live with it as long as no one else sees them.”

“And then there are those who don’t want that vase no how, because no matter if others realize that it’s broken, they know that it’s broken and they don’t want no part of it, they want a new vase. You have to decide which one of these people you are.”

I started bawling the way I did when I was a little whippersnapper who fell and skinned my knee. And just like then, my dad hugged me and told me it was going to be okay.

* * *

After Daddy left,I went upstairs and called Sheila because she’s like the person I trust most besides myself and she’s never going to give me bad advice. Not that I needed any; I just needed an ear to listen and tell me if I was being an ass.

“So, it’s final then?”

“Just about.”

“How do you feel?”

“Scared, I never expected any of this, so I’m not exactly prepared for this stage in my life.”

“Who ever is? Just look at it this way. You know a few things as fact: one, your marriage will never be the same again.”

“The relationship you had with the boy you fell in love with is no more; that’s dead and gone. So if you decide to give him another chance, you’re going to have to keep that in mind. Another thing, are you prepared to spend the rest of your life worrying each time he walks out the door if he’s going to someone else.”

“What you don’t realize is you’re going through something traumatic; you might even suffer from PTSD at some point over this whole thing. Now you have to decide how you want to spend the rest of your life. Do you want to hold onto the dead relationship that he killed? Or do you want to cut your losses and start over fresh?”

“But we’ve been together through thick and thin; how can it just end like this?”

“You two experienced the same things in your marriage; why didn’t he think of that himself? Ask yourself this. If you were in the same position, would you have cheated, could you have?”

“Those are the kinds of questions you should be asking yourself right now. If you decide that you wouldn’t have cheated, then ask yourself why the man who went through the ups and downs of your marriage with you, who encountered the same things you did, could cheat when you can’t.”

“At the end of the day, no matter what you choose, I’m on your side.”

“Thanks, friend. I have a lot to think about. I’ll call you later.” I hung up the phone and went and dragged out the old family albums that I used to be so proud of.

* * *

I hada good cry over those old pictures, but all it did was make me miss my kids. I wasn’t about to disrupt their lives by asking them to come home, though, so I did the next best thing. I made a Facetime conference call and was lucky enough to catch them all free.

I told them about the call from my lawyer and let them know that things were coming to a head. “If there’s anything any of you would like to say, I’m open to listening.” Before the boys could say a word edgewise, Savanah gave them all a glare.

Now, even though they weren’t in the same room, it’s a rule in our house that no one messes with the glare. It can lead to very unpleasant things. To this day, I don’t know where my daughter got her temper from.

Once her brothers had been duly cowed into submission, she turned to look at me through the camera. “As the oldest and only girl, I’m calling point on this one. Mama, if some man cheated on me, I’d cut off his balls and drop his bleeding carcass in front of the trollop he cheated with. Oh, hi daddy. Your ex-husband’s home.”

I looked over my shoulder to see Kevin standing there, looking pale.

“Kids, let me call you back.” I hung up before they could argue and before Savanah could say something to her dad that she’d regret. I know she was mad right now, but she’d always been a Daddy’s girl, and I didn’t want her to lose that. One separation in this family was enough.

I hadn’t had time between talking to Daddy and Sheila, but I think I already knew a long time ago what my decision was going to be. I think he knows it, too. So all that was left was for the two of us to have that talk that we never had because my anger was standing in the way.

I was surprised that I felt none of that anger now. I felt at peace somehow now that things were progressing, and I think that because the anger was no longer there, it had made things much clearer in my mind.

“I guess your lawyer called you with the news.”

“She did, yes.” He looked tired and worn out and I felt a slight pang in my heart for the man that I once loved. I hate seeing him like this, which was fine. I can still have empathy for an old friend, even though things have changed between us.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Sure!” His look of surprise at my easy concession was telling. I’d been unapproachable ever since the affair, and I realize now that that did more harm than good. Not that I would change anything about the last few weeks, but I can see where talking, at least now, might be helpful.

He sat across from me in the chair he always gravitated to. “I really messed up, huh.”

“Yes, you did. Let me ask you a question. If I had been the one who cheated, would you take me back?”

“I don’t know.”

“No, you wouldn’t because you’re a man, and your pride means more to you. And even if you did, you would’ve made me jump through hoops.”

“I just wanna be able to tell you that I’m sorry.”

“I know that you are, maybe not for the right reasons though. Tell the truth, aren’t you just sorry that you got caught? That I found out the truth?” All he did was shake his head which I guess was answer enough.

“Forget everything else; let’s just focus on this one thing. Do you know what your cheating did? It told me that my best wasn’t good enough. I raised our kids, made our house a home, and was there for you every step of the way, but it wasn’t good enough. If me at my prime wasn’t enough, what can my old menopausal ass do for you?”

“So, you’re saying you’re gonna go through with it?”

“Yes, I am.”

“I just can’t believe you’re willing to throw away over thirty years.”

“Oh no, sweetheart, you did that. The moment you fell into her crotch, you threw us away. I’m just talking to you for our children’s sake, but the truth is, I never want to see you again. If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t acknowledge your existence.”

“You hate me.”

“No, I don’t hate you; I’m indifferent to you. You humiliated me, so anything that you’d like to attribute to me when it comes to the demise of our union, you need to look in the mirror and see it staring back at you.”

“This was all you. You wanted to fuck someone else, so you did. And when you got caught, you expected me to go along with your sob story. Okay, I forgive you. There are no hard feelings between us.”

“In the future, when our children are graduating, getting married, having babies, whatever the occasion, I’ll be civil, but you and I, at this moment in time, are no longer friends. Friends don’t hurt each other. You and I are just the parents of four amazing kids. Maybe someday in the future, that could change; who knows? But right now, I don’t have it in me.”

I thought the sight of him looking so broken would hurt me, and it did, but not to the same degree it would’ve before his betrayal. I realized that I needed this as much for me as I did for him because we both needed to move on; this was our new normal.

Daddy was right; I would always know that the vase was broken, and it would drive me insane to have it on display in my house. I’m all for forgiveness; it’s a divine right, but it’s also very misconstrued in life.

For one, the person is supposed to seek forgiveness, and they’re supposed to be contrite. Go and sin no more does not mean go sit in the hospital with the bitch you cheated on me with. He doesn’t realize that all of his actions since the truth came to light are what’s led to this moment.

If he had broken things off with the little slut immediately without having to be told if he had taken responsibility instead of casting blame, there are a lot of ifs, but he didn’t handle any of this right, and I don’t believe he’s sorry for anything more than being caught.

But I can forgive, not for him, but for me, because I need to move on with my life, and I refuse to take the detritus of my broken marriage with me into my new existence, whatever it may be.