Mine

Chapter Eighteen

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Marshall

“Y ou’re a bastard. Why are you good at everything?” John asks me when we’re in the locker room after our showers. We just finished playing pickleball and are going out to lunch. I’ve still been avoiding him as much as possible, which makes me feel like a terrible person, but being around him does the same. I guess that’s the price I pay for secretly sleeping with his son.

“You’re talking to me about being good at everything? Have you meet you?” I tease, earning a laugh from him. It sounds similar to Jay’s, which makes my stomach clinch uncomfortably because thinking of Jay’s laugh makes me want to smile. I love being on the receiving end of it, like I accomplished a goal I didn’t know I had for myself, and the last thing I should be doing is thinking about that now.

Or the fact that I still haven’t fucked him, but he’s slept at my house more than once in the past few weeks since I allowed him to the first time. Subs have slept over before, but not more than once in such a short time span. This is getting out of hand quickly, and I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

“Yeah, but those things have nothing to do with you. Right now, I want to complain that you kicked my ass at pickleball for three games. Let me feel sorry for myself, Marsh,” John jokes, tugging his shirt on.

“I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I can’t imagine how hard losing is. I’ve never experienced it.”

He gives me the finger. “Fuck off. Why do I love you so much when you’re such an asshole to me?”

My spine stiffens at his words, discomfort landing square in my chest and spidering out through my whole body. I’m betraying you. You have always been there for me, and I’m betraying you.

“I’m just lucky, I guess.” I grab my shoes, already having gotten dressed.

John wraps an arm around me. “Nah, it’s me who’s lucky.”

I hug him back, guilt turning my blood into sludge in my veins. “I beg to differ.” The words nearly stick in my mouth. They’re true, but I feel like a fraud saying them. “Now, can we get out of here and have some lunch before I starve?” It’s not that I’m hungry as much as I’d just like to change the subject.

We grab our things and head out. The Mexican restaurant we both love is within walking distance, so we leave our cars and walk there.

They seat us and give us chips and salsa. “We need queso too, please,” John says to the waiter. It’s just for me. He doesn’t even eat it, but he knows I enjoy it. When the waiter leaves, John says, “Cal went shopping with JT a couple of weeks ago. Said he was very into his phone, messaging with someone and smiling in a way that told her it was definitely a guy. She questioned him on it, but he played coy. She thinks he’s met someone, though. I must say I hope that’s the case.”

A gust of cold sweeps through me, icing everything inside me. Jay didn’t tell me about that. I’m not surprised, and it’s not like he owes it to me, but it adds to the guilt I’m already feeling—likely why he didn’t say anything in the first place. But entwined with the shame I feel about the situation is the most ridiculous thought… I can make him happy. I make him happy, and Callie saw it without knowing it’s me.

And I want that, more than I thought I would, more than I probably should. I want to be that person for Jay. It’s not just about the satisfaction we bring each other in the roles we’ve taken. I want to be more to him.

I force myself to use the right name when I say, “JT knows what’s best for him. He’ll find someone when the time is right.”

“That’s not something you can really time. It just happens. Technically the time shouldn’t have been right for Cal and me. And it’s not as if I want him to settle down with the first guy he meets. You know how I feel. I want him to have something, to do something.”

I frown. “He has a job he loves. He supports himself. He has a good friend in his roommate. JT is a strong man who knows what he wants and doesn’t bend to what others want or expect of him. He’s what we all hope for ourselves, and he’s got that at twenty-two. I don’t know what else you expect from him.”

It takes a moment of silence for me to realize what I said. John stares at me, forehead wrinkled, brows pulled together in clear confusion. I can’t say I blame him. I’ve never gone into that much detail when it comes to his and Jay’s relationship before. I’ve sure as shit never spoken to him like I know his son better than he does.

“All we want is to see him happy and fulfilled, living the kind of life he deserves.”

“Maybe he is,” I say gently, “and it’s only you and Callie who don’t see it.”

John visibly stiffens. The anger and confusion in his stare make me want to open my mouth and spill the truth.

“He’s my son, Marsh. I know you’re trying to be a good friend here, but you’ve taken it a step too far. Callie and I don’t love anything in this world more than we love JT.”

“I know…fuck. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s gotten into me.”

He sighs, and I see the change in him, his features softening; he’s already forgetting the argument and doesn’t want to fight.

“It’s fine, Marsh. I know you mean well. JT is like a nephew to you. But I know my son, and I know what’s best for him.”

I know him too.

He’s not like a nephew to me.

Christ, what the fuck is wrong with me? How can I be doing this with John’s son?

“Let me guess, chicken fajitas?” I say, taking the coward’s way out and changing the subject.

John chuckles. “Don’t even have to look at the menu, just like I know you’ll get the tacos.”

“God, we’re old and boring.”

“At least we’re old and boring together,” he counters. “Always.”

The lump in my throat grows, my whole body feeling heavier, but not as much as my mind. I don’t know how much longer I can do this, how much longer I can lie to him, but I certainly haven’t had my fill of my boy, and I don’t know that I ever will.

*

“Is there anything you’d like to tell me about shopping with your mom a few weeks back?” I ask Jay when he gets to my house that night.

“Um…no?” He toes off his shoes, but when he begins taking off his clothes, I put a hand on him to stop him.

“Stay dressed for a few minutes, please.”

“I’d rather not.”

“Well, your Sir told you to. Are you disobeying me?”

Jay sighs. “No. I just don’t want to make a big deal out of this. That’s why I didn’t tell you. I knew you’d blow it out of proportion.” He slips past me and goes toward the living room.

“Stop,” I order, and he doesn’t take another step. “Turn around and look at me.” He does. “You told me at the beginning that when you’re here with me, you want us to stay in our roles the whole time unless one of us says differently. Is that still the case?” Because if he’s changed his mind, he doesn’t have to listen to me right now.

“Yes, Sir. I like knowing what to expect when I’m here.”

I cock a brow.

“I’m sorry. You just threw me. I came over here expecting to be told to get naked and kneel, and now I’m…”

Jesus, he’s right. I could have thought of a much better way to do this. I step over to him, cup his face, and Jay immediately nuzzles into me. “I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to attack you the moment you came in the door. I’m…feeling out of sorts.”

“Please don’t stop doing this with me. I knew this would happen. I’ve been stressing out knowing you were with him all day. I don’t give a shit what my dad says. I want this. I want you, and I know you want me too, so please don’t end this. I know it’s not fair to ask you to choose me over him, but—”

“Shh.” I press my fingers against his lips. “I’m not ending this. I want you too much.” And in a way, that’s a choice—my choice, and not because he asked me, but because it’s him. “I should have warned you better, but like I said, I’m not myself right now, and I know we try to avoid the topic of your parents when we’re together this way.”

“Yeah…it’s probably for the better, but I would still like to kneel for you while we talk.”

“I would like that too…very much.”

I lead him to the living room, and when I sit on the couch, he goes to his knees. “This is better.”

My heart thuds something that sounds too much like his name. “It is.”

“Was I supposed to tell you about my mom? That was just her being a mom. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“It does when it’s us. Our situation is different than if you were with any other man, but you also don’t owe me that. We don’t do this twenty-four seven, and even if we did, that doesn’t mean you owe me every little thing about yourself. I just know that you didn’t tell me because of the situation, and I worry that you feel you can’t come to me. And I think this is something we need to address. I stepped out of bounds with John today about you, said things I wouldn’t have said as Marsh… Things I say as Marshall, your man.”

His gaze snaps to mine, eyes wide and hopeful. “My Sir?”

“That too.” It’s a confession in the only way I know how to do it. I’m his Sir, yes, but I’m his man too.

“I thought you didn’t want a relationship?”

“I didn’t, and it’s complicated now, but this is more than I’ve ever had. I don’t want you to feel like you have to say the same thing or want the same thing. You’re young, Jay. Who knows what the future holds for you, but I’ve told you before that honesty is important here, so I’m being honest. You said you don’t expect me to choose, but I already have. Being here with you is the choice I’ve made, and I know what’s at stake.”

He gasps, and part of me wants to say Yeah, I feel you there. I never thought I would choose anyone over John, but the moment I agreed to do this with Jay, the choice was made. It still doesn’t completely make sense to me, how Jay and I went from what we were to what we are, but it’s happened, and now we have to deal with it.

“I want this to be about more than just scenes too…want to be more than your play partner. But I’ll never forgive myself if you lose my family because of it.”

I’m not sure I’ll be able to forgive myself either, not sure how I’ll handle it, but the truth is… “It’s not our decision to make. It will be John’s and Callie’s. They’ll be upset, and I can’t blame them. I knew the risks when I went into this, but I didn’t expect…”

Jay lays his cheek on my thigh, rubbing against me like a cat needing attention. “Me neither, Sir…Marshall.”

It’s strange how I can feel so many things at once—how the Sir in me, the man who wants Jay, feels the need to thump my chest and claim him in front of the whole world. That my chest feels fuller than it ever has, which only shows me that it was emptier than I ever thought. But then there’s a vast, gaping pit inside me too because I know John. I know what this means for us, and I don’t know how not to be John’s best friend. I don’t know how not to have him in my life. The thought makes me sick to my stomach.

I brush the back of my hand against Jay’s cheek. “I don’t feel comfortable keeping this to ourselves—not anymore. I owe John and Callie that much at least, but this isn’t a decision I’ll make without you. It’s too big, and they’re your parents, and this is your life too. They know about me. I’ve told them I can’t be in a relationship without kink, so telling them about us is telling them about you. I would never rush you when it comes to that. You have a right to keep it to yourself, and if that’s your choice, we’ll figure it out.”

I can see him working through it in his head, trying to make a decision he shouldn’t have to make so quickly.

“You don’t have to tell me today.”

Jay smiles, and I can feel it in my chest. “I’m not ashamed of what we do, of what we give each other. In some ways it’s been difficult because it’s just something else about me they won’t understand, something else that makes me different, but then I think about how I feel when I’m with you, what it does to me inside, which is even more important than the sexual response. This is who I am, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I want them to know about us, and if that means they know about our dynamic too, so be it. No one can make me believe that what we’re doing is wrong, Marshall. Not when it makes me feel more like myself than anything ever has before.”

My heart jumps into my throat, making it hard to breathe. I’ve spent my whole life working, focusing on being successful and enjoying my life, yes, but for all my talk on being fulfilled, I’ve never had that. I’ve never known what my purpose is, and now, sitting here with this beautiful man at my feet, I feel like I’ve finally found it. I don’t know how to even put it into words, but it’s in the way Jay is fully himself, even when it’s not easy. In the way he enjoys the simple things in life. Jay is independent and caring, and he makes me have fun. I didn’t realize how much I needed that. He’s beautiful in his submission and makes me want more, want him. He is what I hadn’t known I’d been waiting for. He is what I’ve been missing.

“You perfect fucking boy. Come here.”

Jay beams at me before climbing onto my lap and straddling my thighs. I run my hands up his back, his neck, tangle one in his hair, then pull his mouth down on mine. Jay gives up control to me, lets me lead the kiss, decide how fast and how deep, my tongue swooping in to take possession of his mouth.

He writhes against me, little whimpering sounds pulling from the back of his throat. As ridiculous as it sounds, it’s as if my whole world is right here in my arms. I never saw this for myself, didn’t think I wanted it or that I would ever have it, but I would risk everything that’s important to me for this sweet boy.

My hands make a journey south again, collecting the fabric of his shirt in my hands. I pull away from his mouth enough to say, “Raise your arms.”

Jay does so immediately, and I pull the shirt off him, setting it on the couch beside us. The muscle definition in his chest is different from mine, but likely every bit as strong. He’s just got leaner muscle where I’m broader.

His skin is warm against mine as I touch him everywhere, my gaze traveling over his body because he’s my favorite place for my eyes to be.

I slip my hands beneath his jeans, not as far as I’d like them to go because of our position, but enough to make him tremble. “I think it’s time I claim what’s mine… Time for me to fill this little hole and watch you come apart on my cock.”

“God yes. Please, Sir. Make me yours. Ruin me for anyone else.”

A wave of possessiveness sweeps over me, knocking me down and pulling me under. I’ve never felt anything like it before, not so deep in the marrow of my bones.

“You’re mine now, sweet boy.” I hold his chin so he’s looking at me.

“Yes, Sir. Will you show me?”

I can’t stop the smile taking over my face. “I’d like nothing more.”