Mine

Chapter Twenty-Eight

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Marshall

“W hat are you going to do this weekend?” I ask Jay. I plan to drive to Asheville for the guys’ weekend I usually share with John, but this year I’m going alone. It’s something I’m still trying to work through.

“I don’t know. I’ll hang out with Reggie. I can keep myself busy, you know. While I prefer to spend my nights with you, I can find things to do myself,” he says in a teasing voice.

I lean against my car and pull him to me. “I know. I don’t doubt it. I have to admit, I did think about locking your dick up while I’m gone.” I slide my hand between our bodies and cup him, making sure to keep him protected so no one can see.

“Please?” Jay asks, fluttering his lashes playfully.

“Next time.” I cup his cheek and lean in, dropping my forehead against his. “I’m going to miss you.” Jesus, have I ever missed someone knowing we’d be apart for only a couple of days? What is this man doing to me? All I know is I love it and don’t want it to stop.

“I’ll miss you too. I’m sorry you’re going alone.”

I debated even going at all. In some ways it feels silly. What’s the point of spending a guys’ weekend alone? But I also think I need it. Not because I need time away from Jay, but because I need to come to terms with losing John. Maybe that can happen there, in that space we’ve shared so many laughs over the years. I just know I’m doing a terrible job with it here.

“It’s not your fault,” I tell him.

“Isn’t it, though?”

“No. And we’re not doing this again. Your Sir says.”

“My Sir is mean,” he teases.

“You have your house key? You’re welcome here while I’m gone.” I want him here all the time. Want him to move in with me but haven’t been able to ask.

“I have it, but I’m going to stay with Reg. Now stop stalling and go drink expensive bourbon by yourself while you jerk off and think of me.”

“There’s a very expensive bottle in my bag in the trunk.”

“I know. Dad would always find a new one to take when the two of you went away.”

We’re both quiet for a moment, buried beneath the weight of how our love has changed our other relationships. As much as I hate losing John and Callie… “I don’t regret you.”

“I don’t regret you either.”

I kiss him goodbye, then get into my car. Jay watches me drive away, and then I assume he’ll get into his own and do the same.

It’s a little over a four-hour drive to Asheville and the cabin John and I bought together. A cabin we figured we would share for the rest of our lives. I wonder what will become of it now. I love him, but he’s a stubborn shit, and he’s angry, so I can see him trying to buy me out or sell to me, if only to prove a point.

I love Asheville, and I have so many memories up in the mountains with John and his family when we were kids. I told him I’m bisexual when we were up here, learned to play harmonica from his dad up here. We both love it so much, we would spend birthdays in Asheville too. That’s why when John asked if I wanted to buy a cabin with him, I jumped at the opportunity. Part of him had done it for me, I think, because he knew how much I loved our time here. He was giving us a way to continue having it. That’s the way John is, which is why this all hurts so much.

I pull down the gravel road leading to the three-bedroom log cabin. It’s tucked into oak and maple trees. The foliage in the fall is gorgeous, filled with reds and oranges, and I wonder if I’ll have more time to make it here. It’s usually my favorite time to come.

I park and get out of the car, then grab my bag from the trunk. I have a food delivery order scheduled for later, but we always keep some dry and canned foods in the pantry.

I walk up the porch stairs, then unlock the door. Sunlight shines through the living room windows—the blinds are open, which is strange. We usually make sure to close them.

I set my bag by the door and walk through the living room. Nothing looks out of place, but when my gaze catches on the sliding glass door that leads to the back, I see him.

John is here.

He has his back to me and is sitting in one of the outdoor chairs. And on the table beside him…a bottle that looks familiar because I’ve brought the same. Damn it. He even bought the same brand as me this year?

I watch him for a moment as he stares into the woods. He must have parked in the garage. I can turn around right now and slip out. John would never know I’m here. But the thought makes my chest too tight, sends a tornado of anger and sadness sweeping through me.

I shouldn’t have to leave my own fucking cabin. After everything we’ve been through, can’t he at least talk to me?

He’s here.

The fact that he’s here has to mean something, doesn’t it?

I set my bag down, footsteps heavy as I go for the door. I slide it open, and John doesn’t even turn around, doesn’t look back at the sound.

“I texted you over a month ago, John. I don’t even deserve a reply?”

He doesn’t answer, just swishes his bourbon around in the glass, takes a drink, and sets it on the table. And that’s when I see it—the second glass.

He knew I would come. I don’t know yet if that’s a good thing or a bad one. If he wanted to talk to me here to let me know he can’t forgive me, that he wants me to walk away from Jay, or if John misses me too. The thing is, I know him. He does miss me. He does love me. There’s not a part of me that believes this isn’t hard on him too, but that doesn’t mean he can accept it.

With a sigh, I walk over and sit across from him, the small wicker table between us.

“Do you remember being out here for my sixteenth birthday?” he asks, voice low and sad.

“Yeah, I remember.” I take the bottle and pour some in my glass.

“I told you nothing would ever come between us. We were getting older, and people talk about how friendships fade around that age—kids change and meet new people. I think you were worried because Cal and I were getting more serious, like me loving her would change my friendship with you, and I wanted to make sure you never, ever believed that. We were brothers for life, I told you that day, do you remember?”

Tears prick my eyes. “I do. And I still feel the same way about you as I did back then. You taught me what it is to have a family. You showed me what it’s like to have another person who is always in my corner. Who will do anything for me. I know you feel like I betrayed you. And I did. I hate that, but you know me, John. Would I ever risk you if it wasn’t for something that’s real? Even in the beginning, I had to have known JT was different for me, or I never would have continued once I found out who he was. I’m in love with him, and I would never, ever hurt him.”

Finally, for the first time since the day we told John and Callie about us, he looks me in the eyes. They’re watery with unshed tears too. “But you do hurt him, don’t you?”

“I love you, brother, but that’s not your business. What we do in the bedroom—”

“He’s my son!”

“And he’s a grown man. One who is so fucking strong, just like his father. I know you look at him sometimes and don’t think you’re anything alike, but you are. You fought so hard for JT…for Callie…all while still becoming a dentist, and all because you love them and you’re too determined to back down. You’ve always known what you want, and you go for it. JT is the exact same way. He knows who he is and what he wants, and he sticks to his guns, no matter how difficult it is. He got that from you, and just because the things he wants are different from yours, it doesn’t make them less valid; it doesn’t mean they take less work, less grit, less stubborn pride. He’s his own person in every way he can be, but he’s also your son in so many ways that you don’t see.”

He looks away, swiping at the tears on his face.

“I love you, John…so fucking much…and I’m in love with your son. I want to spend my life with him. I want to wake up with him every day. He makes me feel… I don’t even know how to put it into words. Like I can have more than I ever thought possible. Like I’m worthy of it. He makes me laugh and want to soak up more of the lightness in the world that I’ve spent too long trying to pretend I don’t need.”

Tears begin to streak down my face too, chasing each other. John’s chin wobbles, his face with rivers of his own.

“I don’t know how to do this, Marsh. I don’t know how to get past it. He’s twenty-two. How can he really know this is what he wants?”

“How many people said that to you when Callie was pregnant at seventeen? And the both of you ignored them because you knew yourself, and you were right. Trust that JT knows himself too.” For just a moment, I consider telling him about Jay wanting to be a chef, but I don’t. That’s not my story to tell, and really, it shouldn’t be what’s important here.

John takes another drink. “Do you remember when my dad took us hunting?”

The memory flashes in my head. I’m surprised he’s mentioning it right now and not sure how it relates. “Yes.”

“You thought you wanted to go, but you couldn’t shoot when you had the chance.”

“No…I couldn’t.” I’ve never liked seeing someone or something suffer, and I certainly don’t want to kill it myself. I don’t begrudge people who do hunt. There’s nothing wrong with it, I just don’t have it in me. “Your dad took the shot for me.” But he never made me feel bad about not being able to do it.

“And you cried all night.”

“I thought you would make fun of me for it, but you didn’t. You hugged me and told me there’s nothing wrong with how I felt…and you didn’t hunt with your dad anymore.”

“Because I wanted to be more like you. I think you believe it’s the other way around, but I’ve always wanted to be like you, always respected you more than anyone else. I didn’t want you to look at me differently.”

“I wouldn’t have,” I admit, lost for other words as he speaks to me. John wanted to be like me? He thought I would judge him for something I never would?

“I remember when you didn’t have much food at your house, but you gave your lunch to someone else who was hungry.”

“And you tried to give me yours.”

He chuckles. “We ended up splitting it because you didn’t want me to be hungry at school, though I had a full fridge at home.”

“Which you would have given me anything from.” That’s just how we’ve always been with each other…and maybe with others too.

“Still, you wouldn’t take all my lunch, and you gave yours away. I have a million stories about your big heart, the way you care about others—animals, people. I also remember times I’ve judged people too harshly, and it was you who brought me back to earth and reminded me not to. I do know you, Marsh. You’re right. I know the kind of man you are. In my heart, I know there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for JT. That you would lay your life down for him… That you wouldn’t hurt him. I just don’t understand it…”

“That’s okay. You don’t have to understand it. We just want you to accept it, not judge us for something just because it’s different from what you chose. I want to have a relationship with you again, but even more than that, I want you to have one with JT, and I’m telling you, John, if it’s not me, it will be someone else. If you can’t trust him to know who he is and be okay with that person, you’re going to lose him, just like your parents would have lost you if they hadn’t accepted you were going to have a baby and marry Callie at eighteen.”

He nods. Swipes at more of his tears. Takes another drink, and minutes later, says, “Callie’s been talking to me…making me see some things. I’m trying because I love him more than anything in this world, but also because I love you. And I miss you so fucking much. I don’t know how to go the rest of my life without my brother by my side.”

My tears flow freely, John’s too. My chest aches, yet I feel hope for our relationship for the first time since I fell for Jay. “You don’t have to go a second without me being there because I always will be. No matter what. I love you too.”

John is quiet for another moment, then picks up the bottle and pours us each more bourbon. Then he reaches over and sets his hand on my arm. While it’s not perfect, while we still have things to figure out, it’s the start we needed.