Miranda in Retrograde

23. Aquarius Season

AQUARIUS SEASON

The Sun moves into Aquarius today, darling Gemini, and with Aquarius being ruled by Uranus, stationed retrograde, rebellion and sudden change are on the horizon. If there’s a hard conversation you’ve been putting off, now is the time for it. Clear the way for a season of reinvention.

The butterflies leading up to my first date with Christian have nothing on the butterflies leading up to what is to be my last date with Christian. But now, as with then, they dissipate the instant I’m in his company.

This time, their disappearance is bittersweet. A realization that lack of butterflies isn’t always a good thing. Sometimes it can signal the absence of that certain something .

After what feels like the longest monologue of my life, he exhales and cups the mug between his two hands, giving me a rueful smile across my kitchen table. “I hope you’ll take this as the compliment it is, but you’re quite skilled at breaking up with people.”

I let out a surprised laugh. “Am I?”

I decide against telling him that I’m apparently a natural, because I have exactly zero practice in ending a relationship. I’m not sure he’d exactly be flattered to learn that this is my first time.

Christian nods. “Normally there are either tears or yelling or half-truths about it not being personal. But I feel a bit like I’ve just been presented a set of empirical facts, to which there is no other explanation besides we aren’t meant to be.”

“If it helps, I really did want us to be,” I say, meaning it.

He grins over his coffee. “Oh yeah? And you’re sure I can’t play the whole astrological compatibility card? That you and I are destined in the stars, and all that?”

I smile back, though it feels sad because I’m sad, if nothing else over the dream of what could have been. “That’s actually a big part of why I need to put a stop to this, in addition to the Stanford thing. It was one thing to go on a date with you as an astrological experiment. But to let it keep going simply as part of an astrological study isn’t ethical.”

“But you’ve been open with me about that from the start,” he says, leaning forward with a gentle half-joking, half-sad smile. He spreads his hands to the side slightly and playfully raises his eyebrows. “I’m a willing participant here, Miranda.”

“Yes, but you’re a willing adult,” I say gently. “It’s not just about you and me.”

He blows out a sigh. “Kylee.”

I nod. “We both know she’s no longer looking at me as just her tutor.”

His eyes shadow. He rubs a hand over his neck. “She did ask the other day if I was going to invite her mom to our wedding, or if I thought that would be weird.”

I let out a startled, dismayed laugh. “Oh dear. So you see my point. I can’t let her keep hoping for a future that I just don’t see happening. Especially if things work out with Stanford. I can’t break her heart.”

“It’s inconvenient,” Christian says, smiling, “that your reasons for breaking up with me make me like you even more.”

“I like you, too,” I say honestly. “But—”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” he says affably, holding up a hand and then standing. “Your skill at breakup speeches doesn’t mean I want to hear it again. Ego, and all that.”

Damn. He really is likable.

“Right. Of course.”

I stand as well and walk Christian to the front door.

He opens the door, and, placing a hand on the doorjamb, drums his fingers thoughtfully as he looks at me.

“What’s the other part?” he asks.

“Hmm?”

“You explained that you couldn’t keep using me for the sake of your research. And let Kylee get hurt in the process. And the probable move to California. You said those were a big part of the reason you’re breaking up with me. What’s the other?”

“Oh.” Maybe I’m not great at breakups after all, because my mind reels but I come up with a blank. “I don’t know.”

“Sure you do,” he says with a small smile. “Or maybe you don’t. But I do.”

“You do?” I blink in confusion.

“Sure.” Christian taps the door once with an open palm and steps out onto the porch before giving me a last one of those perfect, charming smiles. “He lives next door.”