Chapter 50
Elenie
Huddled in the soft navy hoodie Roman had given her from his overnight bag, it took half an hour before Elenie could control the shudders that shook her body.
She was aware of him glancing her way with ravaged black eyes, concern written deep into his forehead. He tried a few times to start a conversation but she struggled to produce more than one-word answers, punch-drunk with emotional overload. Elenie was grateful when he fell quiet and let her watch the miles go by in silence. Night had fallen before they hit the Pine Springs limits, the rain long gone, the sky a vivid indigo awash with stars. Roman guided the rental car along the sandy track, winding through the familiar pine trees, and pulled up in front of his house.
“Maybe I should just go home?”
She curled her hands inside the cuffs of his sweatshirt. Everything inside her churned. She felt absolutely trashed, lack of sleep jumbling her thoughts.
“That’s not a great idea tonight.”
Roman studied her face.
“The DEA search was a thorough one. I asked Dougie to get a locksmith out this afternoon to repair the front door but it’s a mess inside. Best to face that tomorrow.”
He flicked the light switch by the front door, and the cabin, so snug and cozy, glowed softly around her as Elenie stumbled inside. The heating must have come on with a timer; the whole house seemed to wrap her up in its warmth. Blinking gritty eyes, she kicked off her filthy sneakers and hugged the hoodie around her, the scent of Roman in her nose. Comfort and torture in one hit. Her stomach was so empty she wouldn’t have been surprised to look down and find a hole right through her middle. Part of it was hunger—although she wasn’t sure she could eat a thing—but most of it was loss and loneliness, corroding her insides and leaving her hollow.
Roman opened the oven, gave a low huff of approval, and turned the temperature dial on.
“Ma made us lasagna. Thea brought it round. Shouldn’t take long to warm up.”
The corner of his mouth lifted in the half-smile that did so much damage to her heart. Elenie couldn’t bear to look at it.
She wandered to the window, wishing she could see the trees. It was so dark outside, so light inside, that the view was mainly a reflection of the room behind her. Roman watched, his hands in his pockets, deceptively relaxed.
Elenie wasn’t sure why it had hit her this hard. She’d known what they were working toward, the events and the results she had deliberately helped to bring about. And, fuck, if her mother hadn’t said a million similar things to her before now. But it hurt so much more for being the last time and the last words.
She’d wanted to plead. Choose me, Mom. Please, choose me this once. As if begging for love was the only way she could ever expect to receive it. And now, the tattered, desperate threads of hope were no longer enough to power the life support keeping her relationship with her mother alive. The sound of the flatline rang inside Elenie’s head.
She should feel free. Instead, she felt completely adrift. And utterly worthless.
“I need to tell you why Zena answered my phone.”
Roman stepped closer and a reactive shiver moonwalked across the surface of her skin.
“Come and sit on the couch, Elenie. Please.”
“I’ve got such a headache. I don’t think I want to eat anything—I just need a shower and some sleep.”
Not looking at him was the answer. If she could avoid his inimitable face, she might stand a chance of keeping the frenzied volcano of feelings inside where they belonged. She might be able to hold it together just a little longer.
Roman rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. Elenie could feel him studying her.
“Go on up,”
he said finally.
“I’ll sort a few things out down here and I’ll join you soon.”
Her feet were leaden as she climbed the stairs. In the bathroom, she stripped with shaky hands, goosebumps on top of goosebumps raising the hairs on her arms. The steaming water in the shower was blissful. Elenie washed the grime from her body and her hair, then lifted her face and closed her eyes. Motionless, she let multiple one-last-minutes go by before she could bring herself to shut off the flow. When she stepped out, she was so exhausted she could barely stand.
Crawling under the covers in a t-shirt from Roman’s dresser, she settled carefully at the furthest edge of the mattress. Her eyes were closing already, her mind wonderfully blank. Elenie was asleep within seconds.
She didn’t hear Roman come up the stairs. She was unaware of the long moments when he crouched next to her, eyebrows drawn together as he watched her sleep. When he slid into bed behind her and gently drew her body against his, she sighed without waking and curled instinctively into his warmth. His heart thumped steadily against her back throughout the night. If his arms felt like a shield of devotion and protection as she slept, Elenie knew the sensation was conjured only by her dreams.