Moth to a Flame

17. CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Landon

These tears.

These aren’t happy tears.

Not cathartic tears.

The tortured, agonized sounds that come from somewhere deep within Regan make everything worse. My head pounds. My heart plummets to the floor.

I’ve never moved so fast in my life.

“Regan. I’m here. I’m here, Regan,” I shout to her as I free her from the ties. “Please, hold on. I’m coming.”

She’s on her back, and I do the only thing I can for her as she sobs and her breaths hitch and fuck . I use my body to shield her.

Just like I did earlier when she had another one of those damn nightmares. Night terrors, if you ask me.

I have my forearms bracketing her face. Knees bent, straddling her.

I build her a fortress with my body. A place no one can get into.

“Regan. Baby. Sweetheart.”

My thumbs wipe away so many tears. My voice changes, shifts. I try fucking everything. A growl, a hiss, a near-shout.

Rosemary won’t barge in on us again. She probably thinks it’s a sex thing. Better this way, for both of them.

Regan needs me now. She needs something no one else can give her.

Only me.

I’m going to find out what it is. Even if it kills me.

Which I’m pretty sure it will.

Something I did—something I said —triggered this. Brought back memories of her rape.

The sinking feeling in my gut tells me this is the night that I finally hear about it. I’m ready. Hearing her story will rip my soul in half. It’ll hurt worse than anything I’ve ever gone through.

Dad’s brains splattered on our living room wall and Mom’s erratic, psychotic goodbye note will be nothing in comparison.

I loved my parents.

I live for Regan.

“Regan.”

Her eyes are squeezed shut. Her body is limp beneath me. I wish she’d punch me. Claw at me. Seek comfort.

Anything.

The pain she’s going through paralyzes her. That, too, hurts like a motherfucker.

My heart.

“Whatever it is, you can talk to me.” Just in case she feels shame on top of everything else.

I’ve read enough books, watched enough movies to know it can happen to victims. As if the actual attack wasn’t enough.

“I won’t judge you. I won’t be”—God, I could throw up at that word—“disappointed. I love you. Love means…”

Her eyes open as rivers of tears keep streaming from them. Her hands slide up to my neck, her fingers tugging at my hair.

Good. I’m finally getting it right.

“Love means that I want all of you. Every fucking part.” Her sobs are less agonized. “I’d say the good parts and bad ones, except there aren’t any bad ones where you’re concerned. I don’t see one goddamn thing that I don’t love about you. You could cut me. You could spit on me. Kick me. Burn me. I don’t fucking care, do you understand? I’ll still be here. I’ll still love you the same. I’ll never leave. But I can’t…”

I grip her face hard. It’s all I can do not to scream my frustration at the world. For what it put her through.

“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.”

I’m not talking about whether I’ll kill her rapist or not. Whether his death will be a merciful one or so painful that he’ll regret the day he was born.

The moment I found out about what happened to her, was the moment his fate was sealed.

Fire and brimstone are coming for him.

His pain and humiliation after Bobby’s attack were nothing. My revenge on her rapist has only just begun.

She’ll see it, too. I’ve been saving the photo for tomorrow, for when I’ll ask her to move in with me. An early engagement gift.

This takes precedence over everything.

She has to let it out for her sake. She won’t deal with this shit alone anymore. She won’t ever have to.

“I.” I kiss her tears off one temple. One cheek. “Love.” I repeat the motions on the other side. “You.”

I’m back to looking at her, our faces mere inches apart. Anger ripples from every cell in my body, and it’s killing me to keep it inside.

“You’ll be so disappointed.” Her voice is shaking, and I hate it. I hate the way her lips quiver harder. “You will.”

“Never.” The word comes out as harsh as I intended it to. “Fucking never. You were raped. You were tortured. You were fifteen, for fuck’s sake. None of this was your fault. Nothing, nothing you can say will ever disappoint me.”

She blinks furiously. Narrows her eyes. Works hard to believe me while tears run down her cheeks.

“Please, Regan.” Never in my life have I begged. Not even to God. I’m begging her. “Talk to me. Let me do what I was born to do. Protect you. Love you. Help you. Goddamn it, let me.”

“The night he came after me…” A sob catches in her throat. She digs her teeth into her bottom lip. I keep rubbing circles over her temples with my thumbs. “I took a shortcut home through Central Park. It was dark and late. I should’ve known better. I shouldn’t have gone through there that late.”

“Stop that.” I rip her lip away from her, sinking mine into it. The pain makes her eyes focus on me again. “You have every right to walk wherever the fuck you want. This city is your home. You weren’t asking for this. Tell me you understand.”

“I understand, but…”

I’m sure she was told the same words over the years. It’s obvious her family loves her. She went to see a therapist and they for fucking sure told her that as well.

Doesn’t matter. I’ll repeat it to her until the day I die.

“No buts.” I only reach back to throw a cover over us, then I’m stroking and holding her face again. “Tell me you understand.”

Deep inhale. “I do.”

“Go on.”

“He showed up out of nowhere. There was no one else on that trail. No one else around us. My phone was in my pocket, and I was too numb to get it out.” She sees I’m about to give her another lecture about misplaced blame, so she rushes to add, “It wasn’t my fault. I’m just telling you I couldn’t. I couldn’t move, either.”

“His fault.” I have to repeat it anyway. “It was this motherfucker’s fault.”

“He looked disturbed. Like he wasn’t in control of himself. Asked about my age. He hoped I’d be younger. I thought that maybe if I told him my name, he’d see me as a person. When that didn’t work and he dragged me behind the bushes, I told him I was fifteen. I hoped that maybe when he found out I was older than what he’d expected, then he’d let me go. He groaned then said, a minor is a minor, and he…”

Though she’s silent for a long time, the room isn’t quiet. My teeth gnash loudly. Growl after growl erupt from my throat. Watching her relive that horrible night makes my lungs burn. I regret so fucking hard that I let Bobby cut Lester’s dick off.

It should’ve been me there.

And it wasn’t.

“First, he raped me with his p-p-penis.” Her eyebrows scrunch, her chin wobbling. Tears cascade down her cheek and temples in a steady stream.

I grip her tighter, hurting her with how hard I hold her. How close I press her to me. She needs me to do it. To remind her I’m here, that she isn’t there.

I need it just the same. Otherwise, I’ll leave her alone with her tears and heartache while I go burning down Central Park until there’s nothing left.

“When he was done…” Her hands drop from the sides of my neck, but I force them back right where they were. “When he was done, he put his—his—”

Those gut-wrenching sobs will be the end of me. Everything hurts as I watch her fall apart.

I’m not a selfish bastard. I don’t let any of my pain show. Never.

It’s not mine to feel.

So I steel my expression, calling for the hate and wrath and vengeance inside me.

Minutes pass before she sniffles. Before she just cries instead of crumpling before me.

“He put his baton in me. He sodomized me with it. I don’t know for how long.”

No.

No.

No.

I see black. I see red. Blood everywhere.

I was wrong before. This does affect how I kill him. Whatever I had planned, it’ll have to be worse.

I’m not having anyone else do the job for me anymore.

I’ll fucking mutilate, torture, and destroy him with my two bare hands.

“He laughed. Through everything, he laughed. I couldn’t scream. He threatened that he’d kill me. I cried. That, too, made him laugh.” Her lips twist. She’s so fucking brave that my heart lurches for her at the sight. At what she was forced to become. “I thought I was going to die there. I could feel the blood between my legs. I felt something tearing inside me. I closed my eyes and floated over my body and even that didn’t help. It was hell, looking over us and watching what he was doing to me. I prayed with everything in me for it to end. For someone to find us. For him to leave me alone. Anything. It took forever, Landon. Forever.”

“You weren’t meant to die there.” My hair caresses her cheeks as I shake my head. This time when more of her sobs come, I keep talking to her. “You weren’t. You were meant to find me. To save me. You’ve always been mine. Always. And you did it. You made it, my love. You’re incredible. You’re the strongest, fiercest person I’ve ever met. There’s no one like you in this entire world, Regan. There will never be another you for me.”

Her smile is wobbly. It disappears before I get a chance to kiss it. “When he was done, he grabbed the knife again and cut my stomach. Over and over and over.”

Her lips pinch and her expression shifts into a cruel one. She’s remembering him. I’m too enraged for more words. They won’t help anyway. So I search for her. I find her by pressing my body to her as if I’m molding myself into her soft body. Me. Not him.

“ So much blood. ” The imitation of a man’s voice has my heart hammering. Has vengeance scalding my skin. “ You deserve this pain. You deserve to bleed, bitch .”

“Motherfucker.” In this cloud of rage and agony, an idea comes to mind. I won’t bring it up now, though. There will be time for this.

“The laser treatments I’d undergone the following year helped. It’s still there though. And…This wasn’t all of it.” Her eyes pinch shut. “You said you’d love me anyway, except…You won’t. You couldn’t after you hear this.”

“Look at me. I’m here, Regan. I’m here for everything.” Brown eyes stare at mine and it’s a punch to the gut. There’s so much hope in them. So much dread. “Don’t you dare insult me by calling me a liar. Nothing in the world would make me love you any less. Not a goddamn thing.”

“Even if I can’t have babies?” Her voice is low. I’m not sure I was even meant to hear what she just said.

I did.

There are no words to describe what I’m feeling. This isn’t pain. Anger, wrath, fury. No. None of those either.

I’ve transformed into the devil himself. The ruler of hell. I can and will unleash this fire burning inside me. There will be consequences for what was done to her. What was robbed from her.

Her choice.

She could’ve chosen to have babies or not. I would’ve felt the same for her either way. I would’ve fucked my cum into her either way, IUD or not. Would’ve made her hot by telling her that I’m marking her from the inside.

Babies or no babies.

It’s the fact that her choice was stolen from her.

I’ll burn the world down later.

In this room, with her crying beneath me, there’s only Regan. I have to take care of her before I do anything else. I won’t leave this place, this very room, until I’m sure I’ve done everything I could for her.

“Listen to me. You are so brave. So wonderful. I love you even more than I thought possible. Tell me you understand.”

“But you said…You talked about putting babies inside of me.”

We would have a thorough, mindful discussion about our options later. If she wanted to. Only if Regan wanted to.

Not now.

Now she needs to know I’m hers no matter what. That I couldn’t stay away from her even if I tried.

Which I won’t. She’s my everything. Perfect and wonderful just the way she is.

And I’m going to make her see that.

“I said I wouldn’t leave you for the world, either, right?” I wait for her to nod. She doesn’t leave me hanging for too long. “Said I wouldn’t love you any less. You matter. You. This doesn’t change any of it. I’m as in love, as obsessed, and as insane about you as I was a second ago. And I’ll prove it. Let me prove it to you.”

Her silence is deafening. I can’t stand it.

“I’m still here. Always.” I kiss her, a soft brush of my lips against hers. “But I’m going to get up for a second, okay? I have something to give you.”

She’s a wounded animal, and I treat her like one. Even though I’m a murderous motherfucker. Even though the need to burn and slash and disembowel is ever strong. I’m being gentle.

“Don’t leave me.” Her grip on my neck tightens. Eyes open wide, panicked. “Please.”

“I’m not leaving you, damn it. Ever. I’m even taking you with me. Home. Consider this your formal notice, Regan. You’re moving in with me.”

Panic transforms into confusion. “What?”

“Moving in.” She’s about to protest. I’m not having it. “I’ll kidnap you if it comes down to that. Drive you back here to work every morning, shackle myself to you. Bring you back to our home each evening.”

“Rosemary. And Mojo. I won’t leave them.”

“You’ll see them every day. I swear you will. Want me to buy the house next door to us for her? Would that make you feel better about it? Not a fucking problem. I’ll do it. I’ll do anything for you.” Never thought I’d have that again, a family. But Regan gives it to me, and I’ll never turn her down. I’ll do whatever it takes to make her happy. “You’re mine, and you’re going to move in with me. Where it’s safe. Where it’s…nice.”

At the change of my tone, her nose scrunches. She looks even more confused than before. “What’s wrong with your home being nice?”

“This isn’t a conversation for tonight.” Fuck if anything about tonight is going to be about me. “I have something to give you. I’ve been saving it for tomorrow, and it’s in my bag. I’ll be right back.”

“He’ll have a parole hearing soon,” she says when I’m already out of bed.

Great fucking news. I hope they fucking let this monster out so I can have my way with him.

I look over my shoulder at her. “Just another reason for you to move out of here. It’s not safe.”

The locks in this apartment are a joke. Mojo, bless his yapping heart, isn’t any better, despite his size. Yeah, they trained him to bite and attack any threats.

One shot to the head and he’s gone.

Regan belongs behind stone walls, top-of-the-line locks, and an advanced security system. With me.

“Okay,” she mumbles, sitting up on the bed. “Okay.”

“Good girl.”

With my sweats pulled up, I go to my backpack and fish out the photo I’ve been holding on to over the last few days. Holding it close to my chest, I climb on the bed and tuck Regan to my side.

“This is one body part you’re never going to have. I had the guards shred it after they snatched it from the prison’s bathroom floor.”

Her watery eyes rise to mine. I nuzzle her soft hair, inhaling her sweet scent.

“Lester’s rapist dick was severed. As a gift, for you.” A pause. “Unfortunately, I wasn’t there to do it.”

Her hands fly to her mouth. “You had someone cut his dick off?”

“Yes.” I peel them off her lips. I refuse to let her hide anything from me. “I had someone take care of what I couldn’t. But I’ll do worse. When the time comes. That’ll be all me.”

“Are you serious? For me?”

“Little lamb.” We share a heartbeat. A million of them. “Have I not been clear? There’s nothing I won’t do for you.”

I’m being hauled by my hair into her mouth. She kisses me as if I’m going to vanish into thin air. I kiss her back like she’s mine.

Rough. Passionate. Demanding.

Hers.

“Let me see,” she whispers when we come up for air. “I have to see it so it’ll be…real.”

My lips twist into a frown. “There’ll be more where that came from. I’m not done with him.”

“I know you’re not.”

Regan looks at me as if I hung the damn moon. Then she squeals when I show her Lester’s mutilated body. She thanks me over and over with her lips on mine and her hands in my hair.

The smile remains firm on her lips as I dress her and throw a shirt on.

Until I press my hand to the small of her back and nudge her toward the front door.

“I can’t just leave here.” Her serious expression is so fucking adorable.

“Don’t remember asking for your permission.” One smooth movement and she’s over my shoulder. I shove Jigsaw into her hand and her phone to the other. The rest is replaceable.

“Landon, I can’t let him win.” That kind of makes sense. “You can’t do this.”

That part makes less sense. Of course I can. “Free use is free use.”

“Why? Really, why can’t we stay here? I’ve been safe here for years.”

For some inexplicable reason, Lester might be pardoned. He might come after her before I catch him.

Shit happens.

Life happens.

But freaking her out will ruin everything we’ve accomplished tonight. So I leave that part out of our conversation.

“Because I need your light in my home. It’s been dark for too long.”

She whimpers at this half-truth and relaxes against me.

We’re going home.

Our home.

Ours.