3. Chapter 3 The Geeks Have Written a Sex Manual, and They’re Hoarding It
Chapter 3: The Geeks Have Written a Sex Manual, and They’re Hoarding It
J ENNY
“I have another great idea!”
Jenny gasped when Gloria popped into her office the next afternoon, startling her from deep concentration. Her friend had a habit of picking up a conversation from where they left off, whether it was two minutes ago or two weeks ago.
“Hello to you, too,” Jenny said. “You’re early. Our meeting doesn’t start for another twenty minutes or so.”
“Yes, yes, hello.” Gloria waved her hand dismissively as her excitement bubbled. “I mentioned it yesterday, but the more I think about it, the more I like it. It’s perfect and will solve all your current problems.”
Jenny snorted.
“I had no idea I had so many problems.”
“Okay, problem might be too strong. However, it’s an issue . You’re too nice.”
Jenny giggled but Gloria shook her head emphatically.
“No, I’m serious,” Gloria insisted. “You’re too nice. Why else would you have dated that shithead? I worry he’s going to worm his way back into your life by telling you some sob story. Or worse, he’ll bug you until he hits at just the right time when you’re feeling blue and lonely, and wham! He’s back in the saddle!”
“It’s times like this I wish I could raise one eyebrow like you. Referring to me as a horse deserves a condescending brow. But I can’t do that, so I’ll just say, ‘that’s not going to happen.’ He’s not going to guilt—“
Jenny cut herself off with a rueful smile. “Okay, he probably will try to guilt me, but he’s not going to convince me to have breakup sex with him. He showed his true colors, and I can’t forget the things he said.”
“Why haven’t you blocked him?”
“Because I misplaced a sweater I really like, and I keep hoping it’ll show up at his apartment. If he finds it, and it requires any effort to get ahold of me, I’ll never get it back.”
“Buy a new one.”
“I can’t. My mom made it for me.”
“Oh, damn, I love that sweater!”
“See? Until I get it back, I can’t block him.”
“All the more reason for you to go along with my plan.” Gloria beamed with satisfaction.
“I’m afraid to ask. What’s your plan?”
“You should hook up with a geek!”
“I don’t think so; the only geeks I know are here.” Jenny’s lack of excitement was palpable. “What if things go wrong? I don’t want to make it weird. Aren’t you the person whose mantra about workplace dating is ‘don’t shit where you eat’?”
“Yes, I know I said that, but that’s for me. Let’s face it. You’re far less volatile than I am. I bet you’re friends with most of your exes.”
“That’s true. Other than Chad, most of my breakups have been amicable even if we didn’t have good relationships. Even with Chad, he was the one who said horrible things, not me, and it hasn’t slowed him down from messaging me.”
“He messaged you again?”
“Last night. It was late, so I pretended I didn’t see it. I’ll figure something out to say tonight after work.”
“That’s why my plan is perfect. You need to be boning somebody else. If not to protect you from surrendering to his whiny booty calls, than to give him a reason to leave you alone. He’s one of those guys who doesn’t care if a girl says he’s uninterested, but he’ll pay attention if she’s got another guy already.”
“I don’t know.”
Jenny’s thoughts flew to Wade. She was still embarrassed he walked in during their conversation yesterday, but at least he didn’t hear the part about her and Chad. Even if he realized Gloria was talking about her, that was better than him knowing she’d never orgasmed with someone else.
“What are you thinking about?” Gloria asked with a smirk. “Or should I say who? Your face is bright red.”
Jenny cleared her throat and wiped all expressions from her face.
“Yesterday’s break room incident is a perfect example of why I shouldn’t date or hook up with somebody from work.”
“What do you mean? What incident?”
Jenny was incredulous at Gloria’s ignorance.
“When Wade walked into the break room in the middle of our conversation about my pathetic sex life!”
“So what? We’re all adults. It wasn’t professional, no, but you weren’t talking in front of clients or anything. What’s the big deal?”
“I’m never going to be able to talk to him again without being mortified,” Jenny insisted.
“Why? He didn’t seem embarrassed or offended. You’re fine.” Gloria gave her a sly look before she added, “And it’s not like you’re not already hyper-aware of him and blush with the least provocation when he’s around.”
Jenny opened her mouth to argue, but no words came out.
“Ha! I knew it! You’ve got a thing for Wade.” Gloria’s eyes sparkled with glee.
“Shh!” Jenny hissed. “We’re at work. Someone will hear you.”
“That might make it easier, don’t you think? I’m sure he’s interested in you.”
“Don’t be silly. He’s way too smart to be interested in someone like me.”
“What the hell does that mean? You’re smart, too.”
“I don’t mean it like that. Yes, I’m smart, but he’s a genius. All of you are. I’m good at what I do, but that’s nothing compared to what you guys do. He’s always much quieter around me than he is around other people. I bet he thinks he’s talking to a child when he talks to me.”
Gloria snorted. “First of all, no. You’re both brilliant. He does not think you’re a child. If he’s quiet around you, I bet it’s nerves.” She shrugged. “Besides, I’m not suggesting you marry the guy. Just fool around with him and see where it goes. That doesn’t require a whole lot of conversation.”
“Yes, it does. I told you, I’m terrible at one-night stands. I get too anxious.”
“But you’re not nervous around him. Right?”
“I will be now that you’ve put this in my head, plus yesterday’s break room fiasco, but no. I’m not nervous around Wade. To be honest, I’m comfortable around him most of the time.”
Jenny’s face softened into a smile as she continued. “We worked on the holiday party together and I had a great time with him and the others. That’s when I realized he didn’t talk to me as much as anybody else. He didn’t avoid me or anything, but it was noticeable.”
“I’m now even more convinced of the brilliance of my plan. And, girl, you want a geeky guy. They know how to do it.”
“It? What do you mean?”
“Sex,” Gloria stressed. “They’re the sex experts - sexperts. Geeky guys don’t spend hours trying to impress other people with how they look. But they’re amazing at focusing on something and figuring out how it works, and they bring that intensity with them to sex. People say that there’s no manual to sex, but they’re wrong. The geeks have written the sex manual, and they’re hoarding it.”
Jenny burst into an awkward laugh. “You’re ridiculous.”
“No, I’m serious as a heart-attack. Geeky guys know they can’t keep a woman based on their looks most of the time. Yeah, geek chic has come into fashion, and I’m here for it. Most real geeks don’t spend time on their appearance, so they make up for it in two ways: being very attentive and bringing all their genius and problem-solving skills to figuring out the female orgasm.”
“If they’re so great, why aren’t you having sex with a geek?”
“Who’s to say I’m not?”
At Jenny’s open-mouthed surprise, Gloria cackled. “I’m just fucking with you. Most of my one-night stands have been with geeks, though. Conferences are a great place to ‘hit it and quit it’ without any hurt feelings. I don’t date because I’m too much of a drama queen to mix business with pleasure, but that’s not the case for you.”
The alarm on Jenny’s phone alerted her that it was time to head to the meeting. She turned it off, tossed it into her purse, and gathered her tablet.
“Darn, we’re out of time,” Jenny said as she locked her computer. “Guess we’ll have to pick this conversation up later, or never.”
Gloria’s wicked laugh made her nervous.
“What have you done?” Jenny asked as the two women walked to the meeting.
“Are you sure you want to ask about that here?” Gloria teased.
“No, I’m not sure because I don’t know what you did.”
“You’ll find out soon enough,” came her singsong reply.
“You’re lucky I adore you,” Jenny grumbled as they seated themselves.
“I know I am,” Gloria said in earnest. “I’ve never had such a good friend who lets me be who I am while gently reining me in and holding me back from acting on my worst impulses. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”
“Aww, thank you. I love you and am grateful for your friendship, too.”
The solemnity dropped from her face, and Gloria leaned closer to whisper.
“Remember that you love me, okay? I adore you, and I would never want you to do something that would be bad for you. I might push you at times, but that’s only because I have more confidence in you than you do.”
“Now you’re freaking me out. What did you do?” Jenny asked in consternation.
Gloria leaned back in her chair, and a broad smile covered her face.
“It’ll be fine. You’ll be fine. And if you don’t want to take advantage of this opportunity, that’s okay, too. No harm, no foul. But I know you. Left to your own devices, you’d stay holed up at home with your books.”
Jenny opened her mouth to defend herself, but Gloria kept going.
“There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s great in fact - sometimes. Everybody should spend time being single and learning how to enjoy themselves alone. But I think your mourning period for that relationship has long since passed.”
“I’m not mourning that relationship. Chad made it very easy to get over him.”
“You said yourself that you miss being part of a couple.”
“And I do, sometimes. But not enough”—she scooted closer to Gloria before she lowered her voice—“to hook up with some random guy on an app.”
Gloria dismissed her comment with a snort and an eye roll. “That’s old news. We have a new plan, remember?”
Gloria casually inclined her head across the room. Surreptitiously, Jenny’s eyes followed her path and landed on Wade. He was talking to Kyle and Mike, another one of the programmers on their team.
“Cut it out,” Jenny said between clenched teeth.
“I didn’t say anything. Besides, it looks like the meeting is about to start.”
Jenny’s nerves jangled as she faced their boss on the other side of the conference table. She was so engrossed in her conversation that she hadn’t realized the room was full.
Elizabeth welcomed everyone to the meeting and provided some information about new clients. Dale from security alerted them of a break-in elsewhere in their office park and offered to walk anyone to their vehicle after hours.
The two team leads, Wade and Kenny, gave updates about their current projects. Other departments spoke briefly about what they were doing. Sarah, the web developer, was working with the head of the sales department, Lauren, on launching a new test website to demonstrate some of the company’s past work.
Angela in Human Resources instructed everyone to complete their mandatory online training. Jenny reminded everyone their tax forms went out the week before and to contact her if there were any changes they needed to make.
An hour after the start time, all the teams had given their reports, and there were no bombshells. She exhaled and relaxed a little in her chair. Then Elizabeth called for everyone’s attention.
“Kyle will be unable to attend next week’s conference due to oral surgery. At this late date, we can’t get a refund for the hotel, registration, and so forth, but we can switch it all to someone else. I’m grateful to those of you who volunteered to take on additional work to still meet your deadlines and go to the conference.”
Elizabeth smiled at the team.
“As you know,” she continued, “I prefer to keep team members together for their professional development. Everyone on Wade’s team is already committed next week, and Kenny’s team has a major deadline coming up.”
Elizabeth took a deep breath as she looked around the room. “We have a few options: break up the team training as a way to foster collaboration across the teams; write off the money; or send someone who isn’t a programmer.”
At everyone’s surprised expression, she nodded.
“Let’s look at all three options. Fostering communication and partnerships between teams is a great idea. It was honestly my favorite plan, but as I said, Kenny’s team has a major deadline. They’re not in the position to have someone out next week. And of course, I’d prefer to not throw the money away.”
A laugh broke out, and she smiled in agreement.
“So that leaves us with the third option, which is sending a non-technical person to a technical conference. What’s the value in that? We’re a tech company. It’s important that every employee, from the most senior developer to the administrative staff, understand our organization.”
Jenny knew she wasn’t the only one with a confused expression on their face. Her boss knew it, too.
“Would I have done this if we had a programmer available? Probably not,” Elizabeth chuckled. “But I think it’s a good idea. I won’t expect this person to return with a programmer’s skillset, but she’ll gain a better understanding of our industry.”
Jenny’s heart lodged in her chest when her boss made eye contact and held it.
“Jenny, it’s my understanding that your schedule is flexible next week. I’d like to talk with you after the meeting. By some weird fluke, it turns out there’s a one-day accounting conference happening the same week. It’s forensic accounting, but it will allow you to get some of your own professional development as well as a better understanding of our work.”
JENNY
Jenny agreed to meet Elizabeth in her office in fifteen minutes since another employee had an urgent question. That gave Jenny a few minutes to decide what she would say to her boss after this unexpected opportunity.
On the one hand, she appreciated the vote of confidence. However, she wasn’t the right person to send to a technical conference, even if the alternative was flushing money down the toilet. She could only imagine the negative reaction from some of the technical people if she went.
While she was excited at the prospect of doing forensic accounting again for the first time since college, she wasn’t sure it was the best decision to accept. Upgrading her skills would be a great plan if she intended to move on, but alienating her co-workers wasn’t ideal since she planned to stay in this job.
When the ladies’ bathroom door swung open, she held in a sigh. She had already concealed herself in one of the stalls to avoid talking to anybody.
“Jenny, are you in here?” Gloria asked.
“Yes,” she said, relieved.
“Hurry up and finish so we can talk.”
Since she was hiding out, Jenny was scrolling her news feed on her phone when a text notification came in.
“Leave me alone, you jerk,” she seethed.
“Chad again?”
“Yes,” Jenny said as she exited the stall. “He thinks I’m playing hard to get. Can you believe this guy? He said that buying me a Valentine’s Day gift isn’t necessary, but since I’ll be free next week, we might as well get together. What the hell is wrong with him?”
“So many things!” Gloria answered with a cheeky grin. “All the more reason for you to be out of town so he won’t be hounding your door.”
“That’s a compelling argument.”
“And if you find a charming geek to while away a few hours or generate some heat with, even better!”
“Give it a rest, already. I’m not doing that.”
“Keep an open mind. It doesn’t have to be Wade. You could meet someone there, someone you won’t have to see again, so there won’t be any of the weirdness you’re so worried about. I still think Wade is the best choice, though.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s into you specifically, not just you as a woman who might touch his dick. When geeky guys are interested, their attentiveness is off the charts.”
“How many geeky guys have you dated that you’re such an expert?”
“Dated? Only one, and it was a disaster because we worked together. We were both too dramatic, and he was crazy jealous any time I talked to any of my all-male co-workers. He knew flirty was my native language, but somehow, he thought it was just to lure him in. He learned how wrong he was.”
Gloria winked at her. “However, if you’re asking how many one-night stands I’ve had with geeks, the answer is much higher. Almost all my hookups have been geeks. Even that long weekend when I messaged you to let you know I was still alive was a geek.”
Gloria sighed dreamily. “Yeah, that was an awesome weekend. Whatever-his-name-was knew how to follow directions. That’s another thing! Geeks like taking instruction almost as much as they like figuring things out for themselves. Regardless of your confidence or interest level, they’ll take care of you.”
She snorted at a memory. “As long as whoever you pick isn’t a virgin. But if he is, just knock one out with your hands or mouth so everything else lasts longer, and you’ll have a slave for life if you want one.”
Gloria laughed when she caught Jenny’s expression.
“There’s no need to freak out. You don’t have to take my word for it. Figure it out for yourself, or don’t. But give yourself the option so you’re not stuck fending off annoying calls and visits from Chad the— What should I call him?”
Conversations with Gloria often left Jenny feeling lost.
Gloria snapped her fingers. “I’ve got it. We’ll call him Chard from now on.”
Jenny couldn’t help the snort that burst out of her at Gloria’s ridiculousness. That’s how it always was with them. Jenny would freak out about something and find herself in an emotional spiral. Gloria would waltz in and confuse and amuse her until she realized she felt lighter.
“Okay, you’ve convinced me.” At Gloria’s excited yelp, Jenny tempered her friend’s enthusiasm. “To go to the conference, I mean. That’s all I can promise. I will keep an open mind to other opportunities, but I’m not like you.”
Gloria shot her a dirty look, but Jenny begged her friend to understand. “That wasn’t a dig at you, and you know it. You’re a force of nature. I’m not confident and sassy and witty and charming like you are. Plus, I don’t have the ability to wrap men around my finger with just a smirk and a head toss.”
“That’s true. You’re the best, but you have absolutely no idea how to talk to men. It’s almost impressively bad.”
“Exactly my point. I don’t know how to flirt. I can’t be comfortable enough in my own skin to let someone I’ve just met see me naked. God, I wish I could. You have no idea how much I hate that Chad is the last person I had sex with. Trust me, if I can bring myself to change that situation, I will.”
Jenny squared her shoulders and straightened her spine while she checked her reflection in the mirror in advance of meeting with her boss.
“I am going to the conference, assuming Elizabeth hasn’t changed her mind in the past ten minutes, and I will do my best to be open to new experiences.”
“Honestly, you don’t have to try that hard. Your biggest problem is you think too much.”
“Yeah, I know. That doesn’t help me, though.”
“You’re not listening. Just… stop trying. You don’t have to be any different than you normally are. You’re funny and interesting and weird, and most of the guys here hang on your every word. But since you don’t see yourself that way, you can’t imagine that someone else would. You don’t have to do anything different.”
“Oh, God. Are you telling me to be myself?” Jenny rolled her eyes when the two women made eye contact in the mirror. “I’ve been doing that for a while, and it hasn’t gotten me very far. What it got me was Chad.”
“No, that’s you trying too hard. The version of you that you are with me, or at work, or when you’re around people you’re comfortable with is not the same version of you I’ve seen when you were with Chard. I know it’s easy to say, ‘stop worrying so much about it,’ but that is my recommendation.”
Gloria fluffed her hair in the mirror and turned to face Jenny again.
“Use the conference as a reset. Other than Wade—who you’ve already said you’re not going to go after
though I think you should—nobody there knows you. You won’t see them again.”
The two women walked towards the door, and Jenny’s heart pounded.
“You’ll basically be the guest star of the geek conference,” Gloria promised her, “shiny and beautiful and never seen again. It’s the perfect opportunity to try to spread your wings a little bit. Fly my little butterfly; fly!”