Chapter 4
CHAPTER 4
“So, let me get this straight. Jackson doesn’t love you nor does he want a child, but he's insisting you two get married,” Beth ticked one finger on her hand.
“Correct.”
“And Matt crawled back and revealed that he is starting to remember his asshole ways. And not only does he forgive you for sleeping with Jackson and getting pregnant and then leaving him at the front of the altar, he still wants to marry you and raise Jackson’s baby as his own.”
“Yes.”
“Well, that is incredibly un-Matt-like of him.”
I chewed on my lip. “I thought it was kind of sweet.”
“I think it’s creepy.”
“At least he wants to have kids.”
“You have to marry Jackson.”
“Beth!”
“He’s the father of this baby, and he wants to marry you.”
“Jackson doesn’t want to marry me. He’s doing this because of some weird sense of honor. ”
“So?”
“So, that isn’t exactly grounds for a happy life.”
“This is Jackson. That guy could make any woman happy.”
I snorted with laughter. “That’s not the issue.”
“What is?”
“The issue is that he has been clear from day one that he doesn’t want kids nor does he want commitment.”
“Well, maybe he should have used a glove before the love.”
“Beth,” I blushed.
“He knocked you up. He implanted a tiny human being inside of you, and now you get to live with those consequences for the rest of your life. Why should you be the only one handling the fall out of that?”
“Now you sound like him.”
She stared at me in disbelief. “You're completely in love with this guy. You light up a room when he walks in. I've no idea why you’re fighting this.”
“Because I don’t want to be the person in the marriage that loves that person who's only there because they feel obligated.”
She thought about that. “Yeah. That would suck.”
“Right? I mean, he would be stand up about it and take his lumps, but every single day I would wake up and know that he probably wishes he wasn’t there.”
“Are you sure about this? Are you sure that you want to do this on your own?”
“I’m shitting my pants here on this whole single mom thing, and nothing tempts me more than to have Jackson come in and save me, but there’s no happy ending here.”
She gave me a sad look and rubbed my hand. “So, are you just going to tell him no?”
“I tried.”
“What does that mean?”
“I mean he didn’t accept my answer. He was adamant that we’re getting married. ”
“Well, that’s an interesting approach.”
I leaned forward. “Beth. You know me. I have no boundaries. I’m a marshmallow that people just step all over. What chance do you think I have against a determined Navy SEAL?”
She gave an amused smile. “The more you tell me about this guy, the more I like him.”
“Beth. I’m serious.”
“I am too. He’s hot. He’s got his shit together. He’ll take care of you. And he wants to marry you. For better or for worse. You should give him a chance.”
“So the Jackson camp can count on your vote then,” I said dryly.
“Hey, anyone who isn’t Matt has my vote.”
I came home from coffee with Beth feeling more confused than ever. Part of me was wondering why I was even fighting Jackson on this, but another part of me, the part that loved him, knew why. I wanted him to be happy. Was that such a bad thing? Weren’t you supposed to make sacrifices for those that you loved?
Jackson: You around?
Me: Yes
Jackson: Are you ready to continue our conversation?
Heart in my throat and sweating hands I typed out my reply.
Me: Okay
I heard a vehicle door slam, and then feet were coming up the stairs two at a time. Oh wow. Two sharp knocks and then the door slid open. He filled the doorway. He stood there for a long moment and looked back at me.
“Hi,” I said, crossing and uncrossing my arms around my waist. I hated it when in a fit of nerves, I forgot what to do with my arms. I might as well wave a sign over my head shouting that I was nervous.
“You want to take Chloe for a walk?” he asked.
We walked in silence the entire way down to the river. Chloe was deliriously happy. She ran tirelessly back and forth retrieving the ball that Jackson threw for her.
Finally, he spoke. “How are you doing?”
“I’m okay.”
His eyes dropped to my waist. “How are you feeling?”
“Normal. I get tired. And I have to pee about every ten minutes, but other than that, I don’t feel pregnant.”
“How did your talk with Matt go?”
“He’s starting to remember.”
“He mentioned that.”
I decided not to mention that Matt had also offered to still marry me.
I looked up at his face. “Do you think you and Matt will ever be friends again?”
He picked up the ball that Chloe dropped at his feet and fired it with power up the road. “Doubtful.”
My heart ached for him. This situation had broken something in Jackson’s life too. How much sacrifice did this man have to make on my behalf? I had been so determined to keep him around, I never once stopped and asked what it would cost him.
“How much do you regret coming here?”
“I don’t believe in regret.”
We walked in more silence. Both of us lost in our thoughts. Did this man have any idea how much he meant to me? He had never missed a step in taking care of me, protecting me, looking out for me.
His question broke my train of thoughts.
“Why don’t you want to get married? Be real with me.”
I stopped walking and looked up at him. Just the sight of him made my heart sigh. “Because I’m in love with you and you don’t love me.”
His head jerked back like I had slapped him. He winced slightly .
Yup. How is that for getting real?
“Emily.”
“Jackson, when you left because you thought it was for the best, it crushed me. I felt such a sense of loss it was stupid. Marrying you when I know that you don’t have feelings for me, is emotional suicide.”
The words blurted out of me. This was the truth. I hadn’t even been able to admit that to myself, but I was terrified of further entangling myself up with this man. Yes, he would be able to make it work, but one day he might decide he didn’t want to make it work. And I would not survive that.
“You don’t trust me.”
“I've never trusted anyone more in my life.”
“But you think I’ll hurt you.”
“Not intentionally. I think your intentions are extremely honorable.”
He picked up the ball for Chloe and fired it so hard it disappeared into a grove of trees. She took off after the ball, but once she was at the trees, she looked back at him in bafflement.
He turned to me. “I’m offering to marry you. I’ll take that commitment seriously.”
“I know you would. But your commitment is out of a sense of obligation, not love.”
Chloe barked at the trees.
“What's the difference?” I could hear the frustration in his voice.
I turned my face up to this man, and I saw the little boy who grew up in such a harsh world. Someone who didn’t know the difference between obligation and love had never really been loved. It made my heart ache.
Chloe sat down in front of the trees, threw her head back and howled. Jackson gave me a hard-to-read look before he jogged towards Chloe. He talked to her. The two of them disappeared into the dense patch of foliage.
It struck me that the man would be an incredible father. He was patient and protective. Intelligent and kind. My heart flopped around like a fish on dry land. Gasping last desperate breaths. Did I have the right to keep this man from raising his child?
A ball sailed out from the bushes and then Chloe crashed after it. With ears bent backward and a happy smile on her face, she ran full throttle towards her ball.
If we got married, he'd become the center of our child’s universe. An innocent child who only knew how to love with a full heart. And if it didn’t work out? If something went sideways? If, for some reason, he decided to leave us? That child would feel the impact of that for the rest of his or her life.
Jackson jogged back to me. He continued to pick up the ball and fire it for Chloe, but he avoided looking at me. Some part of him had just shut down. He had retreated so far back behind his walls, and I could no longer feel him.
“Want to head back?” he asked lightly. He was so good at pretending. I felt tears prick behind my eyes.
“Sure.”