Chapter 8
CHAPTER 8
Irene cleared her throat. “So, Emily. Have you given any thought as to what schools you might want to pick?”
I blinked. “Excuse me?”
“I heard that the York Park pre-school has a four-year waiting list.”
“Indeed,” Matt picked up his wine. “They say that there’s a direct correlation between preschools and ivory league schools.”
“I was hoping to grow this kid some arms and legs first before worrying about University.”
Jackson stared at the table, and slowly twisted his beer bottle on the white tablecloth. Why was he just sitting there listening? Didn’t he have anything to say about the future of his child?
“You can never start planning for that kind of stuff too soon,” Irene said with a knowing smile.
“I have a client on the school board who mentioned that he might be able to pull some strings for us,” Matt said.
“Us?” I looked up at him.
He and Irene exchanged a quick glance.
“Well, you know, I was hoping that I could be of support to you in this time of need especially since Jackson is leaving soon,” Matt said with a gentle smile.
“Oh,” I said. My appetite disappeared.
Matt reached over the table and put his hand over mine. “You know I’m here for you.”
“Thank you, Matt,” I pulled my hand away. I folded my hands in my lap.
“Oh don’t be like that,” Irene scoffed. “Can’t you see that Matt is doing everything he can to support you?”
I worked not to respond.
“You know I love you,” Matt said. “I’ve always loved you. This is just a little blip that we need to get through. Together.”
How dare he reference this child as a blip? As if this was something we could just brush over and pretend didn’t happen. How dare he declare his love in front of his mom and Jackson, like we were still a couple. I had left him at the altar because I didn’t want to marry him.
“You think this baby is a blip?” My voice shook with emotion.
He gave me a calm smile. “Not a blip. Em, you know what I mean. This has been hard on all of us. Jackson and I have talked at length about this. He feels responsible but let’s face it. You two are not exactly meant to be.”
He might as well have slapped me. He and Jackson had talked about this situation? Is this why Jackson was no longer talking about a future? What had they discussed?
“You two talked?” I worked to keep the incredulity out of my voice. “What did you talk about?”
Matt looked more than pleased with himself. Jackson took a sip of his beer and looked over the restaurant with an indifferent look on his face. Almost as if this conversation bored him. My heart beat so hard.
Matt started, “You don’t have to worry about that. The point is, you and I love each other….”
“I don’t have to worry about what, Matt?” I cried out. “Don’t I deserve to know what you're all deciding for me? ”
Jackson spoke up, his tone neutral. “We weren’t deciding anything, Emily. But I can’t offer you what Matt can.”
And there it was. Somehow they decided that I needed something and Matt was the only one who could offer it to me. The reason why I had resisted marrying Jackson wasn’t that I didn’t think he had anything to offer. Matt had no business being part of this conversation. How he was still in my life and still influencing my future was beyond my comprehension.
I glared at Matt. “How dare you involve yourself in this. This is a private matter between Jackson and myself. He’s the father of this child, not you.”
Irene decided to wade into the mess. “You and Jackson barely know each other. You’re practically strangers. Jackson lives in a completely different world. A harsher world. And you come from such a refined place, Emily. How could you possibly cope or support him?”
Irene’s ability to vocalize all my fears to my face was a gift. I didn’t know how I would become a wife to this man who was so much more than any other person I knew. How would I support Jackson when up until this point he had done nothing but take care of me? The man didn’t show any weaknesses, much less show any need to be supported. If he married me, I would be his burden. He would be the one supporting me. The thought terrified me.
“This isn’t your place to involve yourself in,” I said tersely.
Matt looked sympathetic. “Jackson feels responsible, and no one is denying that he wants to do the right thing, but you two getting married just doesn’t make any sense.”
Christ, they were master manipulators. I couldn’t even comprehend why they involved themselves in this matter. This thing was already beyond complicated. They were making everything infinitely worse. My mouth felt bone dry.
“We just want what’s best for you,” Irene said.
Matt sounded sincere. “Emily, I know you, and I know Jackson. And in part, I feel responsible for all of this. I mean I think I can say that the idea of the two of you living happily ever after isn't realistic. I want to help you both.”
He was right, and that was the kicker. We wouldn’t live happily ever after. I would be attaching myself to a man that did not want the burden of a wife and a child. We would be an infringement on his freedom.
I swallowed repeatedly and looked over at Jackson. Green eyes looked back at me. His expression was stoic. The man didn’t have boundaries. He had walls. Walls that were so high they were impenetrable. I realized with pain in my heart that I had absolutely no idea who this man was. He was so private, so closed, that it was almost impossible to bear at that moment. He felt utterly devoid of everything emotional. I couldn't read him. No sense of what he was thinking or feeling. He must be an incredible soldier. I could see how in complete chaos and madness, he'd become disciplined and controlled. Where was the playful man who laughed with me during our staring contest? Who was this indifferent man that looked back at me without a hint of expression?
Suddenly, I felt incredible rage towards him. Why wasn’t he standing up for us? Why was he letting Matt and Irene step in and make all the decisions about our future? Didn’t he care? Or had he already decided that this was something he no longer wanted to deal with?
“If you didn’t want me, you could have just told me that you changed your mind.” I spat the words at him. My tone was ice cold.
Something flashed in his eyes, but his tone was neutral. “You’re the one that told me repeatedly that you don’t want to marry me.”
His words were tossed out there on the table between the four of us. I felt tears prick the back of my eyes. He was right. I wanted nothing more than to marry this man and when he asked me, I'd been a complete idiot. My stupid insecurities and fears had wrecked everything. I should have jumped in Jackson’s arms the moment he had proposed and just said yes. Now he didn’t even want to marry me, and he was about to disappear from our lives. Not only had I been stupid and ungrateful towards Jackson’s honorable approach to this situation, but I had also been grossly unfair to our unborn child. I felt sick with misery. I had no idea how to fix this.
I wanted to find a little corner and curl up in a ball. I needed to get away. This conversation was too much to bear, and I had no answers.
“I would like to go home now, please,” my voice wavered.
“Emily,” Matt admonished.
I looked down at my lap, struggling to maintain my composure.
“Now,” my voice was barely audible.
Matt sighed indicating his displeasure, and then he motioned for the waiter to bring us the check. When the billfold was handed to Matt, he discretely slid it towards me.
“What’s going on?” Jackson’s tone made me lift my head. If I didn’t know better, he sounded pissed.
I flushed. “Oh, sorry. Did you want anything else?”
He reached across me and picked up the billfold. He gave Matt a derisive look, as he pulled his wallet out of his pocket.
“It’s fine,” Matt flushed. “Emily always pays.”
“I’ve never let a woman buy me dinner, and I’m not about to start now.”
“Thank you, Jackson,” Irene patted her mouth with her cloth napkin. It enraged me that they were making Jackson pay for his good-bye dinner, but at this point, there was no fight left in me.