Chapter 23
CHAPTER 23
It pained me to be at this BBQ. I desperately wanted to tell Jackson that I wanted to leave, but between getting ostracized by the wives and then crying in front of his buddies, dragging him away before the food had been served would kill all hope of me ever being accepted by this group.
With resignation, I moved to get in line at the buffet table. I was too stressed to eat, but I dutifully put a few carrot sticks on my plate and a couple of potato chips, but I avoided the burgers and salads. There was no way I could choke that down. I already felt incredibly uptight.
I stood in the middle of the yard looking for Jackson.
“Don’t tell me you’re on a diet,” a voice said from beside me. “Because you’re tiny.”
I turned and looked up. The owner of the voice was average height and built, with a blond crew cut. He had a broad smile with great teeth.
“Not really hungry.”
He leaned forward and said quietly, “I get it.”
“Get what? ”
He shrugged and took a bite of his burger. “My little sister is shy too. She can’t eat in crowds.”
I peered up at him. “You think I’m shy.”
He winked. “I know it.”
I picked up one of the potato chips and started to nibble on the edge. “How?”
“You’re wandering around, trying not to look like you don’t know anyone. If you weren’t shy, you would be three feet thick in all the women talking, but you seem to be avoiding them, so you either don’t know them or you don’t like them.”
Our eyes met.
“Or both,” he said with a cheeky smile. He looked at my plate. “And you have about 45 calories on your plate, probably most of which you won’t eat.”
I let out a big sigh. “Okay. I’m shy.”
He laughed. “I know.”
I looked up, and my heart stopped when I saw Harper walking across the lawn. I had forgotten how tall she was. Her long, lean legs were clad in white jeans, and her navy silk shirt showed off the perfect amount of cleavage. Her long blonde hair artfully styled. I was completely caught off guard that she would come to the BBQ. She stopped to say something to someone. She acted like she didn’t have a care in the world. Complete confidence.
It was like watching a train wreck except the wreck was my own life. Jackson was talking to two guys, and he didn’t see her coming, but he must have sensed her because he turned and glanced at her. She still hadn’t acknowledged him. Jackson looked back to his guy friends and then while saying something to the guys in front of him, he gave her a second longer sideways glance. Holy fuck. It was like watching the hottest foreplay in the world.
The guy beside me spoke. “I see you’re noticing Jackson and Harper. They’re hard not to miss.”
“You know them? ”
He took another bite of his burger. “Not personally. That dude has a reputation though.”
“What kind of reputation?”
“Tough as nails. Revered in the field as one of the best. Super intense. He’s in his own league. I’ve heard stories about him that would blow your mind.”
“Like what?”
“Just stuff that no one else even thinks of doing because it seems impossible, but he does it with ease.”
I watched as Jackson turned and studied Harper as she walked over to him. Jesus, they looked good together. They looked like they were made for each other. So perfect and beautiful in their own way. The chemistry sizzled between them. Jackson said something to her, and she threw her head back and laughed. He smiled down at her. His buddies slowly drifted away, leaving the two of them alone. She replied, and he smiled again. They never broke eye contact.
“What about her?” I asked through numb lips.
“They dated for years. I heard they broke up, but obviously, they’re back together.”
“Obviously?”
“Look at them. Smoking hot between them.”
I watched as Harper tilted her beautiful face up to his as she spoke and one elegant hand went to rest on his arm. Jackson didn’t move to shake it off. He didn’t step back. He just stood there smiling down at her. I can’t describe the look on his face. His eyes traced over her face in a way that made me feel bad.
Jackson leaned in closer and said something to her, and she gave him this knowing look that made my heart pound in my throat.
“She’s beautiful, too,” I added, as a cold sweat broke over my entire body. I deliberately turned away. I didn’t want to watch nor did I want anyone catching me watching.
The tall blond guy shrugged. “I’m going through BUDs training. I’m going to be a SEAL one day. ”
I worked to focus on him. “I think that’s a hazardous job. You might want to rethink that.”
“You sound exactly like my sister.”
“She sounds awesome.”
“Want a bite of my burger?”
I looked up at him. And then shrugged. “Okay.”
I thought he would hand it to me, but instead, he held the burger up to my lips. I leaned forward and took a bite. Juicy goodness flooded my taste buds. I moaned.
“That’s good,” I said, talking with my mouth full.
He was staring at me, in half fascination. He touched the side of his lip. “You’ve got some ketchup.”
I wiped my face. “Good?”
He shook his head and stepped a bit closer. He reached forward to wipe it off, a smile on his face. “It’s right here.”
A huge hand grabbed his wrist.
“Kindly keep your fucking hands off my wife,” Jackson growled.
My new friend froze as he looked up at Jackson. “Wife?”
“Beat it,” Jackson snarled. Blond dude backed up, almost tripping over a lawn chair before making a hasty escape.
I opened my mouth to give him a piece of my mind. Of course, he had to come by and manhandle the one person willing to talk to me.
He grabbed me by the arm and started steering me through the crowd.
“What are you doing?” I hissed, as my two carrots bounced off my plate.
He ignored me and directed more than suggested me around the side of the house. On the front lawn, I shook off his grip.
“What are you doing?” I looked at him, thoroughly pissed.
“I turn my back for a second and some skinny kid is busting a move in front of all of our friends?”
“Your friends,” I spat. “And for your information, he was the only one willing to talk to me.”
“He was hand feeding you,” he loomed over me. Inordinately pissed. “I look up, and some dude is hand feeding my wife in front of everyone to see.”
“He offered me a bite of his burger.”
“There are fifty fucking burgers on that grill. Why eat his?”
“He knew. He knew the moment he saw my plate what was going on.”
His eyes narrowed in incredulous disbelief. “Excuse me?”
I wiped a tear from my cheek. “I’m shocked that you had time to pull yourself away from Harper to even fucking notice.”
His head reared back like I had slapped him. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
I backed away from him, holding up my hands. “I need a time out.”
He shook his head. “No. No fucking way.”
“Time. Out. Time fucking out," I yelled.
I walked as fast as I could back to our house. I was so hurt, so devastated by the entire experience, I couldn’t even think. I slammed into the house and paced in the kitchen.
This marriage was a colossal mistake. Apparently, Jackson still wanted Harper. I was the third wheel in my own marriage. What was I even doing here? He had committed to me, but he didn’t want to be with me.
The front door slammed, and then Jackson was striding into the house behind me.
“Sit,” he pointed at the kitchen table.
“My time out isn’t over yet,” tears leaked out of my eyes.
He stood staring at me, his arms crossed. My time out was over. I walked over to the table and sat down feeling defeated.
He leaned against the kitchen counter, with his arms crossed over his hard chest.
“You’re driving me fucking crazy, you know that?” His words were measured. As if he was trying to control himself.
“This marriage isn’t real,” I informed him.
He gave a half laugh. “Sweetheart, this is about as real as it gets. ”
“This marriage was a big mistake.”
He pushed off the counter and walked away from me. His hands were on his hips. He looked up at the ceiling. This was his calm down move.
“I saw the two of you together.” Words blurted out of me.
He turned and looked at me.
“I watched her approach you at the BBQ. How you did the big double looks at her, and you couldn’t stop staring at her. And she put her hand on your arm, and you just smiled down at her with that look on your face.”
He scrubbed one big hand over his face. “Jesus.”
Neither of us spoke. Finally, he did.
“Harper and I have a lot of history.”
“She loves you, and I think you love her.”
“Just stop.”
He walked away from me, running both his hands through his hair. He turned towards me. “I’m trying so hard here, Emily, I really am.”
“Why are you trying?” I threw my hands up in frustration.
“Because we’re married.”
“We don’t have to be,” my voice was surprisingly calm.
He squeezed his eyes shut as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Fuck.” He glowered. “How come you get under my skin so bad? No one can drive me fucking insane quite like you can.”
“Well just go back to perfect Harper then. You two are so in love, and you obviously miss each other so much. Just leave me out of it.”
He looked absolutely speechless for a moment. His hands were on his hips, and he just stared at me. “No.”
“What?”
“No. You and I are married.”
“Jackson.”
He pointed at me. “You committed to me. Before the court of law, you vowed your commitment.”
We stared at each other .
“What do you want from me?” he sounded bewildered. “Just tell me.”
I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to want Alien and me in his life. I wanted him to not still love Harper. I wanted to know this man who stood before me. The man who knew how to play baseball. The soldier who killed snakes in the river. The man that everyone seemed to know except me.
The silence was broken by the sound of his cell phone ringing. He momentarily shut his eyes and then picked up his phone.
“Hunter…..yup….got it….yup.”
He tossed his phone on the counter. “I just got called into work.”
All the fight went out of me. I bowed my head. “Okay.”
He walked over and sat down kitty-corner from me. “I’ll be gone two weeks max. It isn’t our mission. We're just providing tertiary support.”
I nodded. Feeling so unbelievably bad.
He leaned forward in his chair and grabbed my hands in his. “We’re not done with this conversation. I need you to be here when I get home.”
I stared sadly at him.
“Emily,” he said softly. “Can you do that for me?”
I nodded.
He let out a big breath. “Thank you.”
I remained at the kitchen table. Then Jackson was coming down the stairs, wearing his fatigues and carrying his duffle bag. He looked impossibly big and tough.
He stood looking at me for a long moment. “Remember your promise.”
I wondered, for the hundredth time, why he worked so hard to keep me here. He stood looking at me for a long moment and then he was gone.
I sat at that kitchen table for a long time while questions battled my mind. Was I doing the right thing? Was I crazy to stay here? Why did he even want me to stick around? It was so obvious he loved her. I did not understand Jackson. He was still such a mystery to me.
You know when you know that you shouldn’t do something, but you do it anyway? I’m not going to defend my actions or justify them in any way. I grabbed a flashlight and walked upstairs. I needed a chair to pull the stairs down from the attic. It took me 45 minutes, but I finally found where Jackson had hidden the journal.
I needed to find out more about my husband.