Chapter 37
CHAPTER 37
I drove with Jackson back to the hospital after managing to get a couple of hours of rest. With my shower and a fresh change of clothes, I almost felt human. We pulled into the hospital parking lot that felt way too familiar. How strange that in six days this hospital and surrounding area had become our new reality.
Jackson turned off the truck and looked over at me.
“Emily, how are you doing?”
I stared unseeing out the front of the windshield. “I’m fine.”
“Be honest with me. Don’t bullshit me.”
I turned and looked at him. “You want to know how I feel? I feel guilty for being the worst partner in the world.”
“You don’t have anything to feel guilty about.”
“I cheated on him.”
“You can’t cheat on someone after they dump you. He had just admitted to sleeping with your friend and then he told you, in front of me, that it was over between the two of you.”
“That wasn’t his fault. That was his weird brain tumor’s fault. What’s my excuse?” my eyes filled with tears. “What’s my excuse for sleeping with you? ”
“You tell me.”
I looked at him in disbelief, and my voice was incredulous. “What?”
“Why did you sleep with me?”
“Just because I have feelings for you does not justify me cheating on Matt.”
He went completely still. “What feelings?”
I gave a half laugh that sounded more like a sob. “Don’t act like this is a surprise to you. Everyone knew. Julie all but announced it to the world.”
“That was real?”
Oh shit. I froze.
Jackson looked stunned. “You have feelings for me?”
Humiliation washed over me. I ripped open the door of the truck and started to run across the parking lot. I thought my feelings were transparent enough for the entire world to see. How was this news? I was in love with Jackson. What did he think I was feeling? Did he think that we had only ended up in bed because I was feeling a bit revengeful? How could I have felt so much for him, felt so special around him and shared my body with him and he didn’t even realize how I felt?
A hand grabbed my arm and spun me around. He was breathing hard, looking down at me.
“What?” I yelled.
“Why are you running?” he sounded pissed.
“Just forget I said anything.”
“I’m not just going to forget that.”
“You have to,” I was shouting. “I want a redo.”
“You don’t get a fucking redo on that.” He shouted back.
We eyeballed each other. My breath was coming through my nose harsh and fast. I broke my gaze away first, unable to maintain eye contact with the intensity that was vibrating out of him. I started to back away from him. “It doesn’t matter now.”
He reached out and grabbed me, pulling me back. “Stop. ”
I lifted up both hands. “This isn’t something you need to fix, Jackson. You were there when everything in my life was going to shit. And frankly, I don’t think anyone could blame me because anyone would fall for you.”
“I’m not trying to fix you. I'm trying to understand.” His voice sounded strained.
“I love you,” I said between gritted teeth. “What’s so hard to understand about that?”
His head jerked back as if I had slapped him. I could see the panic cross his eyes. Since I had known Jackson, this was the first time I felt him losing his grip on his emotions.
I let out a pent-up breath. I needed to let the poor bastard off the hook from his weird sense of responsibility that he carried around for everyone.
“Jackson, you and I want different things. All I want is to feel safe and have a family. Those are my two goals. You live this dangerous life, and you don’t want a wife or kids. I always knew nothing could come of us.”
“What are you saying?”
“I'm saying that you don’t have to worry that I have any expectations from you. We can’t take back what happened, and I'll always feel a lot of guilt about that, but I don’t expect anything from you.”
His head jerked, and his jaw tightened. “So what? You’re just going to go back to Matt?”
I drew my breath and then released it. I had no answer to that. Would I ever be able to be with Matt after knowing what it was like to be with Jackson? I was in love with this huge man that stood before me. There was no denying it, but it was evident that he did not share the same feelings.
A jarring sound interrupted us. It was Jackson’s cell phone.
We stood there for a long moment until finally, he brought the phone to his ear.
He answered and then listened. “Okay. ”
He hung up and looked at me with resignation on his face. “Matt just woke up.”
Oh fuck. It was time to face the music.
“Okay.”
We started walking towards the hospital doors. I took deep, shuddery breaths, trying in vain to compose myself. We got on the elevator, and I could feel the emotions rippling through him. What those feelings were, I had no clue. Did it matter now? The damage was done. We had crossed a line that was so big it was impossible to come back from. Now we needed to deal with the fallout of our actions.
The doctor pulled the three of us into the same small room.
“Well, we have some great news. Matt has woken up. We have taken him off the ventilator. His voice is raspy because his vocal cords are still tender and sore, but he’s talking, and his speech patterns seem to be fine. He knows who he is. He knows his name.”
Irene sagged back into the couch. “Oh thank God.”
“But it appears that Matt is experiencing some retrograde amnesia.”
“What does that mean,” Irene’s voice trembled.
“It seems like Matt has lost a significant chunk of time from his memory.”
“He can’t remember?”
“Sometimes memory comes back after a traumatic brain injury, and sometimes it doesn’t. Time will tell. But at this point, Matt has no recollection of the past five months of his life.”
Irene and I both gasped.
Jackson spoke. “Does he know what happened to him?”
“We told him he was in a single vehicle accident and he knows he has lost a significant chunk of time in his memory. The most important thing right now is that we don’t upset him. Keeping him as calm and relaxed as possible is how we can best take care of him. ”
“When can we see him?” Irene vibrated beside me.
The doctor glanced over at me. I hadn’t yet spoken a word. I hadn’t even moved a muscle. “He’s asking for Emily.”
I swallowed hard. I had no idea how to deal with this situation. So much had happened in the last five months.
The doctor stood up. “We don’t want to tire him out, so we're going to keep the visits to five minutes per person for now. Just speak calmly and softly to him. Reassure him if you can.”
Without looking at either Jackson or Irene, I followed the doctor to Matt’s bedside. Matt’s blue eyes looked up at me. He looked pale and weak lying on the bed surrounded by tubes.
“Matt,” I stood at the foot of the bed. My entire body shook.
His smile was real. “Emily.”
“You gave us quite the scare,” my voice was soft.
“Come here,” his voice rasped. Like he had a terrible cold.
I walked over to the side of the bed, and he grabbed my hand. “Your hair is so long.”
I gave him a sad smile. “I was growing it out for the wedding.”
“They told me it's May. My last memory is of going back to work after Christmas.”
“Do you remember anything after that?” I asked cautiously.
He frowned and stared up at me. “Nothing.”
I nodded and sat gingerly on the chair beside his bed. “Your mom is here. She’s practically beside herself.”
He studied my face. “You look thinner. Are you okay?”
I blinked rapidly. “It’s been pretty scary.”
He grabbed my hand, and with that, I started to cry again. I sat there smiling at him while giant tears rolled down my face. This was the old Matt. The man I had agreed to marry. The raging lunatic was gone.
“Emily,” he said softly. “I’m sorry for scaring you.”
I dashed the tears from my face. My throat felt so tight I couldn’t speak. I nodded.
He shut his eyes and smiled. “I can’t wait to marry you, Emily. In my head, we’ve only been engaged a couple of weeks, and here our wedding is coming up in a couple of months.”
A sob escaped my throat. Matt had managed to go back in time. The rest of us remained stuck in the present. I had no idea how to deal with this. I only knew I wasn't supposed to upset him. “Yeah.”
He opened his eyes. “Did we plan something good? I know how anxious you were about planning the wedding. I hope I took enough time to help you get everything ready.”
A memory of Jackson helping me pick invitations. Doing the cake tasting. Teasing me about my giant wedding binder. More tears squeezed out of my eyes. “It’s pretty much ready, but Matt, we can delay the wedding while you recover.”
He squeezed my hand. “No way. I can’t wait to marry you. No way are we delaying anything.”
I swallowed my tears and gave him a watery smile. My poor confused heart was squeezed so tight, that I wasn’t sure it was still beating. “We can talk about that later. I think Jackson and your mom want to see you and the doctor said we aren’t allowed to tire you out.”
His eyes went wide, and his body went still. “What did you just say?”
I shook my head. “We're supposed to only take five minutes each.”
“What do you mean Jackson is here? Is he here because of the accident?” Matt’s eyes were big.
I forgot that Matt would not remember inviting Jackson to live with us. All of that had been erased. “Jackson's been living with us for a couple of months. You invited him to live with us.”
A weird expression crossed his face. “I would've never done that. Never.”
My lips parted. “Matt.”
He looked distraught. He tried to raise his head. “You’ve got to get him to leave, Emily. He can’t be here.”
The nurse bustled in. “Matt, you're going to have to calm down. Your heart rate is too high. ”
He pushed her hand away. “Emily. Promise me you will make him leave.”
My lips parted in shock.
“Matt,” the nurse was speaking in a loud voice. “You need to calm down Matt. If you don’t calm down, we're going to have to sedate you.”
“Promise me,” he shouted. “Emily. Promise me.”
I stood up feeling completely panicked. “I promise.”
The nurse pushed a needle into his IV line and then Matt’s head rolled back and then he was entirely out of it.
She looked at me with accusation in her voice. “Matt can't be upset like this. I had to sedate him.”
“I didn’t know,” I said tearfully.
“Whatever you talked about, you must not talk about it with him again. Is that clear?”
I nodded and fled the room.