Chapter 23
23
Face t h e Music
“I don’t want to end it,” Ash growled, and she couldn’t help but be charmed by his fierceness.
“Me neither,” Eva replied, her tone gentling despite her best efforts to remain pissed, “but I need more than that from you. Don’t you get it?”
“No.” And the look on his face said he really didn’t.
She sighed. Was she really going to do this? Bare her heart and soul only to get potentially trampled over? But he genuinely wasn’t going to understand if she wasn’t blunt about it, and honestly, she preferred the up-front method anyway even if it hurt worse in the moment. At least when it was over, she would know she’d given it everything she had.
“Look, you say you’re... attached to me in some way. Well, I feel attached to you too.” God, that was such an unhealthy way of putting it, but she figured attachment was probably the only form of caring he was familiar with.
He frowned. “You do?”
“Yes. I still have feelings for you even after learning you’re an actual demon from Hell.” She blew out a breath. “I should probably be trying to thwart your attempts to lure me onto the path of wickedness or whatever.”
“Don’t say that.” His mouth twisted. “It makes my stomach feel weird again.”
She grit her teeth to keep from softening. He is not cute. He is not cute. “But there’s more to being in a relationship than attachment. At least, I need more.”
“You want a relationship?”
“Uh, yeah, what did you think we’ve been doing?”
“I dunno.” And once again, the look on his face said he really didn’t.
God help her. Literally, she needed help from the big guy. Dear God, please help me, because I’m about to have the relationship talk with a demon because I have genuine feelings for him. Amen, or whatever you’re supposed to say. Sorry if that was offensive.
She took a breath and launched into it. “When people care about each other, they make a commitment. Generally, it’s exclusive. It means no sex with other people, no flirting, nothing. You’re honest, and you tell each other secrets. You become friends, but you also build something deeper than friendship that hopefully turns into love.”
Ash grimaced at the word love.
Yeah, thought that might happen. “There’s no guarantee that will happen, but both people go into it hoping for that outcome.” She took a breath. “When I met you, that was what I wanted. It’s what I still want.”
“Love... ?”
He could barely get the word out. Damn it, this was hopeless. What had she expected to happen?
“Yes. Love. What we have is really new, but before the whole demon thing came up, I was hoping that was where we were heading. Now, I don’t know, but I can’t keep doing this unless you’re willing to admit you want the same thing. Dating a demon is already crazy enough, but letting a demon use me and break my heart—no freaking way.”
“I... don’t want that.”
“Neither do I.” She blew out a tired laugh. “Trust me, it sucks.”
He scowled suddenly. “You’ve experienced this before?”
“In high school. I got crushed by this guy I was into for years. He blew me off in front of all our friends, and I was devastated. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so embarrassed.”
“I’ll kill him,” Ash growled, hands curling into fists. “Tell me where he lives.”
“No, Ash, that’s not the point of the story. The point is that the way you’ve been acting is doing the same thing.”
“I don’t want that,” he said again.
“So, then tell me what you do want,” she pressed, while a big part of her was shaking her head and preparing for disappointment. “Tell me it’s not just about sex to you. Tell me I mean more to you than that.”
His lip curled. “Emotions are for humans.”
She crossed her arms, trying to act tough. “Yeah, well, I’m a human, so you’re going to have to deal with it. And if you don’t have emotions, then you obviously don’t care whether we’re in a relationship or not.”
“Maybe I don’t want a relationship.”
Okay, that one hurt. Don’t let it show. “Then it’s over.”
He scowled. “No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Yes!” she snapped. “I can’t do this unless you’re willing to talk about your feelings. It’s all or nothing, baby.”
He crossed his arms and glared at her. “That’s not fair.”
“It’s perfectly fair. You lied to me about everything from the start, and while I understand why considering how messed up the truth is, it’s not exactly a good foundation for a relationship. If you don’t want this to be over, then you’re going to have to convince me your intentions are good.”
“I already told you my feelings.” His eyes narrowed to angry slits. “I want you enough that I’m not interested in anyone else. I could have other women, and I don’t care. What more do you want me to say?”
“That’s a start, but there’s more to a relationship than just sexual attraction.”
He rolled his eyes. “I don’t see why.”
“Because it’s not fulfilling or healthy otherwise! I refuse to date a guy who can’t think of one other thing he likes about me besides sex.”
“Fine. I can’t believe you’re making me do this.” He heaved a sigh and dragged his fingers through that gorgeous hair. “I like your music. You play better than anyone I’ve heard in centuries. There’s a... light in you that comes out in everything you do, and I’m obsessed with it. You make people care about you because you care about them first. You know you’re beautiful, but you still have humility. You’re confident but not conceited. You aren’t afraid to be vulnerable. You say exactly what’s on your mind without fear of how others will react, yet you’re never callous.
“I’ve never enjoyed my existence more than the time I’ve spent with you. I have never felt more alive than when I’m inside you. If I could go back in time and reverse the curse Raphael put on me, I wouldn’t do it because it would mean I wouldn’t get to meet you. All the bullshit I’ve endured for the last three thousand fucking years was worth it for the time I’ve spent with you.” He grimaced. “Is that good enough? Can I stop now?”
Eva stared at him with her mouth slightly open. It was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to her.
Ash threw up his hands, misinterpreting her blank look. “That’s all I’ve got, Eva. I’m not a human and I never will be, nor do I want to be. I can’t change what I am, and I’ve spent the last three thousand years hating my existence, and I’m sick of it. From now on, I’m going to do things I enjoy, and I’m done catering to others’ demands, whether it’s Heaven or Hell or even you—”
She pressed a finger to his lips. “Shh.”
Yes, she had just shushed a Prince of Hell. And by the look on his face, he wasn’t happy about it. But this was important.
She stepped closer, tilting her head way up to look at him. “I’m not expecting you to say it any time soon, or understand it right away...” She took a breath, throwing caution to the wind. “But if you’ve actually never enjoyed your life more than when you’re with me, that sounds like love.”
He growled and looked away.
“And guess what? I feel the same way. It’s why I’m so adamant about making you admit this to me.”
His gaze snapped back to hers. “You do?”
She nodded. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I feel so connected to you, it scares me sometimes. When you’re with me, I feel complete, and when you’re not, I want you back by my side.”
His eyes flared. “That’s how I feel. Tell me more.”
She had to smile. “Honey, that’s what love is. Don’t you understand? This”—she gestured between their bodies, though only inches separated them—“has the potential to become love, if we’re not already there. Those uncomfortable feelings you have are because love makes you vulnerable, and it’s scary. I want us to be loyal and stand by each other’s sides.”
“I want that too.”
Her heart went from breaking to overflowing. “So you do want a relationship, then?”
This time, he nodded slowly like he was finally grasping her explanation and deeming it acceptable.
“You want to commit? You want to be a team? A monogamous team?”
“Eva, I spent three thousand years feeling numb. After enough time, I stopped longing for my old life and started wishing for a new one. I’ve had centuries to clarify what I was looking for, so when I say I want you, I mean it.”
Her heart melted. It liquified into a puddle of mushy goo that spilled at his feet. “I want you too. More than anything.”
Screw the fact that he was a demon, and that she was a human who would age and get wrinkly while he would be beautiful forever, and the fact that he had hordes of demons trying to drag his ass back to Hell. They would deal with all that later.
He lifted a hand and stroked her cheek. “So you liked my feelings? I passed your test, and you won’t leave now?”
“I’m not leaving.” Eva reached up to the hand at her cheek and wove their fingers together. “It was so sweet what you said, and I loved all of it. And you know I feel the exact same way. Thank you for telling me.”
“Good. I’m... happy.”
“Me too.”
“I like seeing you in color. You’re just as bright as I knew you’d be.” He lifted the hand not clasped with hers and traced his finger along her eyebrow with deep focus, murmuring, “I like that your eyes are still gray though. They looked exactly the same the first night I ever saw you. The world was black and white, but you still looked colorful to me.”
Her heart felt like it would burst, and she smiled up at him. He said the sweetest things sometimes without realizing it, and she loved him all the more for it.
Yes, love. She was in love with a demon. So sue me.
And maybe it would take Ash a while to admit to feeling actual love himself, but she knew he felt the same about her in his own way.
“Want to see my bedroom?” she blurted, grinning mischievously. She was suddenly in the mood to demonstrate her affection.
His lips curved. “Do I need to answer that?”
“Nope.” She grabbed his hand again. “Come on.”
He opened his mouth to reply and then froze. His smile dropped, his body became rigid with tension.
“Wh—?”
He jerked to the side and ducked just in time to dodge a huge sword swinging through the air, aiming right where his neck had been seconds before.
Eva screamed.
“Through here,” Jacqui said nervously, ignoring the part of her that wanted to run screaming from the demon beside her. Since telling Belial about that grimoire, the tension had been pouring off him in waves, and her instincts were screaming DANGER .
She fought them with logic—he was angry about the book and the risk it presented, not at her. He was learning to fight his urges and control his temper. He was trying his best, and he really did seem like a nice guy. Remembering their earlier friendly conversation helped her calm down a little more.
“Meph, what did I tell you about touching shit?” Raum hissed.
Jacqui looked back and had to smile. Meph had picked up the vulture’s head from Dan’s sculpture and was holding it up to the neck as if trying to work out how to attach it.
“If you can figure out a way to make that head stay on, be my guest. Dan’s been trying for ages, and no matter what he does, it keeps falling off. He’s ready to scrap the whole project.” The vulture was huge, nearly six feet tall, and constructed out of scraps of metal from old machinery.
Meph studied the head in his hands and then looked up at Jacqui with a grin. “Cool.”
Belial looked skyward. “Meph—”
“It’s okay,” Jacqui said. “I really don’t mind. I’m not kidding about Dan being ready to throw it away, and I like that he’s interested.”
“All right, but don’t be surprised if he breaks stuff. Because he will break stuff.”
“I’ll take the risk. The artist in me can’t stand to discourage someone showing interest in creativity.”
Raum cocked his head and blinked his gold eyes. “You’re an interesting human.”
“Thanks?”
She chuckled, wondering how any of them got by without giving away the fact that they weren’t human themselves. It seemed to her they would stand out like sore thumbs, making comments like that.
“Follow me, you two, and I’ll show you that book.”
She ushered Raum and Belial into Dan’s office while Meph played with the vulture, pointing them to the grimoire on the desk. Dan’s office was a mess—one of the reasons they liked to have their own private workspaces. Jacqui couldn’t concentrate amidst clutter, while Dan always got stressed when she moved anything, claiming it disrupted his creative flow.
“Oh, shit,” Raum breathed as soon as he saw the old book.
Belial bent over the grimoire and carefully flipped through the worn pages. Raum hovered beside him while Jacqui watched from across the desk.
Belial flipped to the bookmarked page, and they all stared at it.
“Fuck,” he said.
“Well, at least it’s not your summoning seal,” Raum muttered, fingering Dan’s hand drawn sketches. “These are just modified tracking sigils.”
“Not sure this is any better.”
Jacqui’s heart pounded. That didn’t sound good.
Belial closed the book suddenly, studying its cover.
“That ain’t no regular grimoire.” Raum shook his head, and they regarded it warily, as if at any moment, it might leap out and grab them.
Belial’s head snapped up and he focused on Jacqui. She flinched at the flames flickering in his eyes. “Where did you find this?”
“Here.”
“You’ve never seen it before?”
“No. I rarely enter Dan’s office, but the few times I have, I’ve never seen anything like this.”
“You have no idea what your husband is?”
“ What he is?” She frowned. “You make it sound like— What is he?”
The demons exchanged glances.
“He can’t be.” Raum rubbed the back of his neck. “If he was, then you know what that would make Eva. They were banned from making more ages ago.”
“Unless she’s not his daughter by blood,” Belial suggested.
“He might have found the grimoire by accident. It doesn’t prove—”
“There’s no way they would have let this fall into human hands.”
“Yeah, but don’t you think it’s a bit of a stretch—”
“Is Eva adopted?” Belial asked Jacqui all of a sudden.
“What? No, of course not.”
“Were you ever unfaithful to your husband?”
Her mouth dropped open. “No! Why would you— That’s not—”
“He can’t be,” Raum interjected. “We would have sensed by now if Eva was Nephilim.”
“If Eva was what?” Jacqui asked, starting to really freak out now.
“But it would explain how she could see through Asmodeus’s curse from the beginning,” Belial said. “Her angel blood would give her that ability.”
“Her what ?” Jacqui nearly shouted. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“This grimoire...” Bel pointed at the book. “Was made by angels.”