19. Nash
CHAPTER 19
NASH
We just won in conference finals, a feat that is fucking huge for the Badgers to even be playing in, but I can't feel the sense of a win in my heart.
It's too busy being fucking broken into a million pieces.
And it's my own damn fault.
I know that now. Know that I should’ve taken a fucking breath before storming off and finding Reese a few days ago in that coffee shop with Darrell, but I saw her sitting with him and I lost it.
I thought I'd lost her, and every emotion came storming through the floodgates in a way I couldn’t catch.
I'm not proud of it. I was an asshole in the biggest way.
I've tried to apologize, but she won't answer my calls or my texts, understandably.
So the one thing I feared happening, ended up happening anyway because I'm a fucking idiot.
And I know this shit is messing with my game, because I'd almost lost it for us today. Luckily Pax had my back and scored for us, allowing us to win by one.
I hate that I’m so irritable and mad at myself that it’s affecting my gameplay, but try as I might, I can’t fix it.
“You're coming out with us tonight,” Lawson says after we've showered and gotten dressed and are heading out of the arena.
“No, I'm not,” I snap. “I'm fully prepared to go home, sulk, and try to text Reese again.”
“Yes, you are,” Paxton says as we make it to our cars in the parking lot. “Put your shit in your car and get in mine.”
I raise my brows at his forcefulness. “Wait,” I say. “Aren't you usually the nice one?”
“What does that make me? The dick one?” Lawson asks.
I roll my eyes, but I do what Paxton says. I throw my gear bag in the trunk of my car, lock it, and then get into the passenger seat of his.
Lawson climbs into the back. “You’ve been a miserable bastard the last few days,” he says as Paxton heads out of the parking lot.
“And you wonder why I say he's the nice one,” I say, motioning to Pax.
“He's not wrong,” Paxton says. “You have been miserable. Even Clay can tell. I think he’s worried about losing his grumpy asshole Badger badge.”
“I don't give a shit,” I say. “It's no one's business. Besides, Clay is a miserable bastard twenty-four seven and nobody gets on his case about it.”
“He's the captain,” Lawson says. “And that's his vibe. You’re normally fun.”
“Oh, I'm so sorry I'm not fun after ruining my own life.”
“Jesus, sometimes you're a drama queen,” Paxton says as he turns into one of our favorite local clubs.
“Fuck you both,” I say, half teasing. The fact that they care actually does feel…nice. “I don't know why I agreed to come out with you tonight.”
“How about because we just won in conference finals, and we haven't done that in who knows how long?” Pax says as he parks. “And because you desperately need a night out. I know things suck right now, but I honestly believe you two just need to talk things out.”
“More like he needs to get on his knees and grovel,” Lawson adds.
“I've tried, man,” I say. “She doesn't want to talk to me. And I can't fucking blame her. I was the worst combination ever—stupid and an asshole.”
“We’ve all been there,” Lawson says as we walk toward the club entrance. “We can all be idiots. If the women we loved held that against us, we’d never ever be able to learn from our mistakes.”
“She doesn't love me back,” I say. “It's not the same thing.”
“You don't know that,” Paxton says.
“I do,” I say. “And it doesn't matter anymore. I fucked up and I'm not going to be able to fix it.”
“And you're choosing to be the drama for the rest of your life, cool,” Paxton says as we work our way through the crowds, finding Clay and Baylor and some of our other teammates already occupying several tables in the back near the dance floor.
We say hi to our teammates, and I sink down into a chair, hating that I’m here.
I don't want to be around people that are super happy and want to celebrate, even though I should be.
I definitely don't want to bring down the vibe, but it's hard to feel anything other than regret.
I hate that I didn’t calm down before I went to that coffee shop.
I hate the words that spewed from my mouth.
I hate myself for not being more of an adult and regulating my emotions before I threw a tantrum like a toddler.
I thought I was better than that, but in my defense, I've never been in love before.
“Hey, baby,” Lawson calls as Blakely makes her way back to our group. She greets him with a smile and a kiss and then flashes me an empathetic look two seconds before Reese follows behind her.
My heart stops dead in my chest.
She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, dressed in a pair of tight sparkly black leggings, a dark blue top that flows around her waist, those green eyes clashing with mine in a way that makes my entire soul shake. She looks tired, worn out, and I hate that I'm the reason.
I'm already getting out of my chair, ready to get on my knees and beg her forgiveness when she opens her mouth before I can.
“Can I talk to you for a minute? Please?” she asks.
Shock races down my spine, stealing what I wanted to say until I'm just standing there nodding. She motions away from the crowd, and I follow her as she makes her way to a small alcove where we can talk in private. The sounds of the club are still loud around us, but it's not as chaotic here.
“Reese, I'm?—”
“Please,” she cuts me off, her phone in her hand. “Please just let me get everything out before you say anything. Can you do that for me?”
I shut my mouth real quick, guilt surging through me at the fact that she's probably afraid I'm going to say something hurtful again.
I hate myself a little bit more for that, but I give her my sole focus.
“I need you to know that I did take that video down,” she starts. “The one that was getting all the hateful comments. I took it down, and I called Daniel’s wife personally to apologize to her even though she assured me that she didn't think it was my fault. She said Daniel was being overprotective of her, and she apologized for the way he was blaming me. I also told her that while I deleted the video, I could not control how many people had screen recorded it and were only adding fuel to the fire by reposting it and giving their own commentary on the comments. I’ve contacted as many as I can, and some of them have been super gracious about taking it down, but I can't control the entire internet. And that's a risk we always take when we make these kinds of videos. But I also talked to his wife about my plan, and I posted this today as part of what we discussed. Will you please watch it?”
I take her offered phone, clenching my jaw so I don't immediately respond. I know she's not done, and I don't want to break my promise of telling her I'll keep my mouth shut. But I want to tell her it's not her fault. I want to tell her that I'm a jerk and I didn't mean to say the things I did and that I knew her better and knew she would never do something like this.
I'll tell her in a minute, whenever she's done and gives me the floor.
I press play on the newest video posted on the Badgers’ page, reading the text that is overlaid on a video showing an entirely different side to the Badgers. Focusing on charities, players with families, and players who volunteer.
I read, taking in every word.
The Badgers may be thirst traps, there’s no denying that, but they're humans. Humans with loved ones who don't deserve hatred because they're attached to a certain player. The Bangor Badgers love their fans and know that your support fuels their success, but we need to stand together as a community of Badger supporters and not tolerate hateful fans who spread misinformation, give death threats, and hurt people. Let's do our best to not spread hate and instead celebrate the team we know and love.
The video goes on to show just exactly what side of the Badgers Reese is talking about, and it’s brilliant. It's a positive and impactful response to something that had been so dark and harmful. Something that was totally out of her control.
I hand the phone back to her, patiently waiting for my turn to speak.
“I have to be honest,” she says. “I did hate taking the video down. I hated it because it felt like I let those trolls who were saying hurtful things toward Daniel and his wife win. It felt like giving them power when they didn't deserve it. But of course, I took it down. Of course, I reached out to make sure his wife knew I was on top of it. And I spoke with Daniel two days ago, he understands, and he apologized for losing his cool.” She shakes her head. “And the thing with Darrell,” she says. “I honestly thought he was just like Daniel or Baylor or anyone who came before him who wanted a spotlight feature. I had no idea he was going to suggest what he did. I would never be okay with that. Never would’ve accepted that.”
Everything inside of me is begging to speak, begging to respond, but she continues.
“We started off with ten thousand followers,” she says, turning her phone back to me. “We now have two million. Those are new fans for our family,” she continues, and my heart clenches at the way she says our family.
My team. Her team.
She clicks a few things, navigating into the settings section of the page, scrolling down until her thumb hovers over the red delete button.
“And I'll burn it,” she continues. “I’ll delete it right now and hand in my resignation if that's what it takes for you to believe that I'm not some conniving, manipulative person who was only using you?—”
I snatch the phone out of her hand, exiting out of the app and shoving it into my pocket so she can't get to it. I shake my head, my heart racing in my chest as I reach for her, slanting my mouth over hers in a kiss that is absolutely a plea.
She moans against me, her hands fluttering to my chest as I hold her to me, pulling back to look down at her.
“I know,” I say. “I always knew,” I continue. “I knew you wouldn't do that. I knew you weren't that person. I'm so sorry, Reese. I was an idiot. I was terrified of losing you. And I know that's not an excuse for my behavior, but if you’ll give me another chance, I promise I will never speak to you in that way ever again. I obviously have some learning to do when it comes to this love thing, so whatever we need to learn, I hope we can do it together.” I take a breath. “I’ll spend every day trying to make it up to you. I’ll do whatever work needs to be done to ensure you never doubt me again. And I’ll totally understand if you never give me that chance. I know I don't deserve you, not in any universe, but I promise I'll do everything I can to be worthy of you, if you allow me to.”
I hold her gaze, feeling the moment stretch between us like a tight wire ready to snap the longer she stays silent.