Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
NATHAN
“What are you staring at?” Tyler cranes his neck to follow my gaze across the room. A smile crosses his face when he spots Colt. “Or should I say, who are you staring at?”
I give my friend a stern look. “Don’t stare at him.” The words leave my mouth, but I can’t take my eyes off the bar. We have plans tomorrow, but who’s he with tonight? Not that it’s any of my business, but they seem comfortable together.
Not just friendly-comfortable, though. The stranger places his hand on Colt’s forearm. After a few seconds, they both laugh. The guy doesn’t move his hand, and Colt doesn’t do anything to move it. My stomach twists into a knot. It’s a date.
“Dude, you’re shooting daggers at them. They’re going to see you.” I can’t take my gaze off them, though. It’s impossible not to notice how their knees bump against each other as they shift in their seats or how they’re both grinning. Colt throws his head back and laughs, the sound permeating the rest of the noise in the bar. The other man moves his hand down and sets in on Colt’s thigh, and my heart pounds in my ears.
“Come on, Nathan. Don’t worry about them.”
“I’m no—” I try to find something to say, but the words won’t come. Everything’s too loud. “I want to make sure Colt’s okay.”
“And you think the twink at the bar is a threat to him?” I glare at Tyler. He’s been my best friend since the start of college. More than anyone, he knows exactly how I feel about Colt. He’s being sarcastic right now, but his eyes are tight with worry.
“Fine, what were we talking about?”
“I told you about the new administrative assistant we hired who keeps messing up the client schedules.”
“Right, she sounds terrible.”
“Well, she’s a he and, as I said, great at everything else. The calendar system is a mental block for him.” He sighs and shakes his head. “Have you heard a single word I’ve said tonight?”
“I’m sorry.” I’m being a terrible friend tonight. This is our time together, and I try to be here and present. “Okay, tell me more. Is he hot?”
Tyler sputtered. “Yeah, he’s gorgeous. That’s why I keep helping him and fixing things myself. I don’t want them to fire him.” He takes a long sip of his beer, and I gaze at the bar again. The guy’s hand is still on Colt’s thigh. How long does it need to stay there? “I’m pretty sure he’s straight, but at least I can look.”
I nod, trying to force my mind to remain present in the conversation. “That’s an improvement over the rest of your office. I’ve been saying for years that you should move to a company where people are a little younger. For a tech company, you tend to lean a bit old school. You’ll never get any seniority.”
“It’s changing. Slowly. The new guy is a few years younger than me. I think the older people are moving on or retiring, and we’re replacing them with some younger folks.”
My body started to relax a little bit. My stomach remained twisted in knots, but at least my heart rate slowed down. I could sit here and converse with Tyler while Colt went on a date with someone else. A new normal. Friends. I didn’t care when Tyler went out on a date, so why did I care if Colt did the same?
The guy leans close and whispers something in Colt’s ear. My whole body tenses. I swear they’re moving in slow motion. Their heads pressed close as they chat in their little bubble. “I don’t think I can be here.” I don’t wait for a response. Bile rises in my throat, and the overwhelming urge to be anywhere else overtakes me. I get up from the table and elbow past various guys hanging around the entrance.
As soon as I step outside, I find the bushes and throw up everything in my stomach. Each time I think about the two of them, my stomach tightens again.
“I got you.” Tyler’s soothing voice and hand on my back help a little. He doesn’t say anything else. There’s nothing else to say. Even after a decade, Colt still has the same effect on me. Except now he’s here and dating other men. Will I have a front-row ticket to this over the coming years? I can’t watch him parade his dates in front of me, or worse, all in love. It’s too much.
As the nausea subsides, I stand up and wipe my mouth on the edge of my shirt. “I think I’m going to go home.”
“Come on. I’ll take you.” He grabs my elbow and leads me to his car at the far end of the parking lot. The ride back to my house is quiet. I don’t have anything to say that isn’t already clear. I can pretend Colt’s just a friend, but my body violently says otherwise.
Tyler’s done this with me before, which somehow makes it worse. He doesn’t need to say anything for me to guess what he’s thinking. When I went to college, it took me months to stop constantly thinking about him. Tyler finally put his foot down and insisted I snap out of my imaginary relationship and try having one with someone who wanted me back. Little by little, I managed to engage with the life around me instead of focusing on the one back home. I’d cried myself to sleep at night so many times, wishing I could pick up the phone and hear Colt’s soothing voice instead.
Apparently, I learned nothing from the first time. How did I let this happen? Again. The first time I fell for Colt, we were stupid teenagers with hormones swirling around our bodies. At least, that was my excuse back then. I’m not sure I can blame this round on teenage angst. Colt waltzed back into my life and somehow flipped the switch on my feelings again.
Tyler had been right in college, just like he was right now. I couldn’t be half in each of my lives. Not when one of them was a fairy tale. Colt isn’t mine. The sooner I realized that and focused on being his friend, the better for everyone.
“Thanks,” I mumble when we reached my house. “I’ll text you tomorrow.” I want to bury myself in my blankets and hide for the rest of the night. Maybe take the whole day off tomorrow and use some of my sick time.
“Nope, I’m coming in.” Tyler puts his car in park and gets out of the vehicle when I do. I want to argue with him, but it’s too much work. He follows me up the two steps to the front door and into the house.
“I’m fine. Really.” He crosses his arms and glares at me. “Whatever. Do what makes you happy.” I toss my coat on the kitchen island. Is it too much to ask to fall apart in peace?
“I’ll let you know that it does nothing for my happiness to see you hurt like this.” I throw myself onto the couch in the living room and bury my face in a pillow. “You want to talk about it?”
“No,” I mumble into the pillow. I want to spend the evening sulking and wallowing in my thoughts. Is that the healthiest way to handle things? Probably not. However, it’s my preferred method.
“That’s fine. I’ll talk instead. Or, better yet, you and Colt could talk. Really talk. I’ve listened to you tell me stories for years about how amazing he is, and most of the time, I thought you were lying or seeing him through a pair of rose-colored glasses. No one is that nice or kind. You and he, though? You somehow fit. Even someone as bitter as I am can see that.”
“You aren’t bitter.” I sit up and pull the pillow into a tight hug in my lap. “You just haven’t found the right person.” Tyler is way too cynical about love and relationships.
“Don’t change the subject.”
“He sees me as a friend, nothing more.”
“Are you sure? Have you asked him? Because I see the way he looks at you.” I shake my head. Tyler’s hallucinating. “You’re both complete idiots. That might have been a good excuse when you were fifteen, but you’re both grown men. You kissed him once, and he turned you down. Hell, back then, I thought I liked girls.”
“Is there a point to this rant?” He smacks my thigh.
“Yes, the point is that a lot has changed. I think the answer to the question of whether Colt likes you as more than a friend might be one of those things.”
No response came to mind, so I closed my eyes. I want Tyler to be correct, but I learned years ago that wanting something and having it be true are different things. Tyler has never steered me wrong, though. He’s the first person to tell me that a hook-up is an asshole or that I should break up with someone.
“That’s what I thought. Why don’t you sleep? I think you’ve got a busy day tomorrow. Lots to do. Lots to talk about.”
COLT
I’m not sure if the date is going well or not. At this point, it’s a toss-up. Oliver is sexy and cute, which is precisely how he looked in the photos he sent over. I might not get out much, but I know that isn’t always the case with these dates off apps. I don’t care much about his looks, but the honesty is important.
So why am I not feeling it?
“Moving here must be a big change. How are you finding Cardinal Falls?”
“It’s been great. I haven’t gotten much free time to explore yet, but I’m working on it.”
“Well, let me know if you’re up for some sightseeing. I’ve been here a few years now and love taking people to the tourist spots.”
“You get a lot of visitors?”
“My siblings like to come to town and visit. I think they’re spying on me for my parents, but I love getting to see them, so it’s fine.”
“How many siblings do you have?”
A big grin crosses his face. “I’m the youngest of six.” My jaw hits the floor. Six? “I know, it sounds crazy. Both my parents were only children, so they wanted a big family. It’s pure chaos most of the time, but I can’t imagine growing up any other way.”
“I only have one sister, but she pries into my business enough.” She’s part of the reason I moved here. She might be worse than my father a lot of the time. Sometimes, it feels like they’re the same person. I glance toward the table, where I spotted Nathan a few minutes ago. I forgot he and his friends would be here tonight. Once I spotted them, I remembered them saying they came here every Thursday.
When I glance over again, Nathan and Tyler are no longer in their booth. I look around the rest of the bar to see if they’re dancing or getting drinks, but there’s no sign of them. The other two are in the booth, though. I swallow hard when I realize they’re both staring at me. Not in a good way, either.
“Um, so what do you do for fun?” I try to refocus on Oliver. My stomach twists into knots as I pull my gaze back toward him.
“Most people might not call it fun, but I like to crochet. I find it relaxing, and it gives me something to keep my hands busy.”
“Is that the one with the big metal needles?”
“Close, you’re thinking of knitting. Crochet is similar, but you only have one hook.” I’ve already let my mind wander off again. “Do you know those guys?” He follows my gaze toward the table with Matthias and Aaron.
“Sort of. They’re friends of a friend.”
“Did you want to say hi?” He pulls his hand off my knee. Honestly, I forgot he had it there. That’s a bad sign for our compatibility, right? If a guy I find attractive is touching me, shouldn’t I be more aware of it? Or at least notice? I’d been hyperaware of Nathan’s leg pressed against mine when we were here. “I think they’re coming over to talk to you.”
He’s right; they’re walking directly toward us at the bar. Matthias stands towering over me. Damn, the man is tall. “I need to speak to you for a moment.” It’s not a question. I give Oliver a pleading look, but he waves me off and smiles.
“Go ahead. I’ll be here.” Traitor . I get up and follow Matthias a few steps away.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“Um, hanging out?”
“Are you here on a date ?” He stresses the word date.
“Sort of?” At this point, I’m not sure what exactly it is. That’s not true. I think Oliver’s here on a date. It’s me who’s a bit confused.
“So, what? You woke up and decided to parade your dates in front of Nathan? What the hell is wrong with you?”
“I wasn’t parading anyone. This is the only place I know to suggest. I didn’t plan for you guys to be here, too. Besides, what’s the big deal anyway?” So I went on a date in general proximity to Nathan. What the hell did these guys care? “Where’s Nathan?” If I can talk to my friend, I’m sure we can work out whatever miscommunication is happening.
“He left.” I look around again and confirm his statement.
“How come?”
“What do you think?”
“I—” I don’t know what I think. Nathan got upset seeing me out on a date?
“Matthias, let’s go.” Aaron pulls on his friend’s arm.
“Do not hurt my friend.” Matthias leans down and whispers the words in my ear. Aaron looks concerned but doesn’t say anything else. He pulls his friend away. Oliver’s standing near the bar, wringing his hands together and looking confused. This poor guy will tell all his friends what a miserable date I am.
“I think I should go.” I don’t know what’s happening right now, but I know I can’t be a good date.
“Sorry?”
“Why are you sorry?”
“I’m not sure exactly; it felt like the right thing to say.”
“No, I’m the one who’s sorry. I think things are more complicated than I thought they were.” I’m still not sure why, though. A giddy part of me wants to believe it’s because Nathan still has a crush on me from all those years ago.
“Isn’t that always how it works out?”
“I’d like us to stay in touch and maybe be friends. I know you didn’t come out tonight to make a friend, but it’s all I can offer now.” If there’s any chance I can be with Nathan, I have to play the scenario out, even if the chance is minuscule.
“I’d like that. It’s hard to make friends in your thirties, and everyone already has these big groups that are hard to slot into.”
“I’ll text you.” I start out the door and turn back. “Seriously. I’m not just saying that to be nice.”
“I’ll hold you to it.” I may not have everything figured out, but I’m not a total asshole. However, something tells me Matthias would beg to differ on that one.