Twenty-Six
Alex
“You wantto grab a bite after work?” Birdie asked.
“No. Noah and—” I said, twisting in my office chair.
I’d been planning to say something else but cut off quickly when heard Birdie’s soft chuckle.
“I can’t even see you, but I know you’re wearing a guilty face. There’s no reason to feel guilty, Alex. Noah is the father of your child and the man that you love. You should spend time with him,” Birdie said.
“I don’t—” I cut off again, knowing I couldn’t deny what she said.
I leaned back into the chair and sighed.
“I…”
I trailed off, trying to process what to say, to figure out what I was feeling.
“Go ahead and tell me, Alex,” Birdie said, encouraging.
“I just…he’s been so great these last weeks,” I said.
And that was an understatement.
Noah checked on me, had come to my appointment, had made sure that the chef prepared my meals.
All amazing, but that wasn’t really it.
Whether he was doing those things or not, I couldn’t shake that other feeling, the one that was far too dangerous.
Even after what he had done with my father, I felt like I could rely on him.
And even worse, I wanted to.
“Alex?” Birdie said.
“What he did was so wrong,” I said.
“I’m not arguing,” Birdie said.
“But…”
“Go ahead, Alex. You know I’m always here to listen,” she said.
“I want to trust him, Birdie. And even though he did that, I think that I do,” I whispered.
“Why do you sound sad about that?” she asked.
“Because I shouldn’t. He went behind my back and…”
“Can I give this a try?” she interjected.
“Sure,” I said glumly. “I know if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn’t even ask before I opened my big mouth, so you go ahead,” I said.
She laughed, but I heard the moment when she turned serious. “Alex, you don’t have to like what Noah did, but you can’t question his motives.
“You know that you can trust him. That doesn’t mean he’s going to be perfect, but he’s not going to hurt you intentionally,” she said.
“Like my dad.” I could have left that unspoken but knew that I didn’t need to. “Yeah,” I said.
“I hear a but there,” Birdie said.
“Yeah. Let me figure it out,” I whispered.
Birdie didn’t believe me, but she also didn’t press.
“I’m here whenever you need me,” she said.
“We’ll talk,” I responded, and after we said our good-byes, I hung up.
Turned over the problem that was in my head the entire walk home.
And when I saw Noah standing in front of my building, the relief hitting me before had fully processed that he was there, I knew what I had to do.
He didn’t say anything, and neither did I, as he followed me to my place.
I unlocked the door, let him in, and went about my usual routine.
When I was done, I stopped in the middle of my living room and stared at him.
“I trust you, Noah,” I said. Then I swallowed. “And that fucking terrifies me.”
He looked at me with soft eyes. “I trust you too, Alex. And the thought of letting you down fucking terrifies me,” he said.
I looked at him for a long moment, and then, unable to deny myself, I went to him, let myself be pulled into his embrace.
He held me tight, and I laid my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes.
“How are we going to do this?” I asked.
I pulled back, looked into his eyes.
“I’m so fucking terrified of trusting you, loving you, and then being afraid that you’ll leave,” I said.
Saying the words both embarrassed me and filled me with relief.
I had never been so vulnerable, and when I looked at Noah, I still saw that softness in his eyes.
“Me too,” he said.
“What?”
“I’m fucking terrified of loving you, trusting you, and then worrying that one day you’ll figure out that I’m not worth anything and leave me just like he did,” he said.
I stared at him, shocked.
“Noah, I would never?—”
But then I cut off, realization hitting me.
I looked at him and smiled, though I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes. “Look at us, afraid of the same shit,” I said.
He nodded.
“You know, outside of being absolutely horrible, it’s kind of funny if you think about it,” he said.
“Funny, but in the most awful way,” I said.
I squeezed him tight, then pulled back again.
“So, what do we do?” I said.
“Be there,” he said.
He squeezed me tight, his voice rumbling out of his chest and into my ear.
“I don’t know what life is going to bring us. But we can be there for each other. Be there together to take on whatever may come. And that’s what I want, Alex,” he said.
He pulled back and looked down at me.
“I want to be there. With you. With our baby. Together. So, when are we getting married?”
I laughed then shook my head.
“We’re not getting married because I’m pregnant, Noah,” I said, my head tilted as I looked at him.
“Of course, we’re not getting married because you’re pregnant. We’re getting married because I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“What?” I glared at him trying to process his words.
He nodded and gave me that patient, borderline condescending look that I should have hated but that made me want to melt. “I love you.”
“You can’t just say that,” I countered.
“Why not?” He got close to me and settled his hands on my waist.
“Because…”
For the life of me, I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“Exactly what I thought,” he said.
“So, the baby…?” I asked.
He had been smiling but went serious in the blink of an eye.
“I’ll be honest. I’m still shocked…” He laughed and seemed more nervous than I had ever seen him. “Really shocked. And…” He trailed off again then met my eyes. “And so fucking happy I’m about to explode. I’m going to be a dad, Alex!”
His eyes were lit up with glee, and I found myself smiling.
“So when?” he asked, pulling me into a hug.
“When what?” I said, reveling in being in his arms, feeling like I could breathe.
He tapped my head as he grinned. “Keep up, Alex. When are we getting married?”
“You really want that?” I asked, part of me still unable to believe it.
“Just say when. Today, tomorrow. Next week. Whatever. Just say you’ll marry me,” he said.
I looked up, met his eyes, smiled.
“I will,” I said as I stood on my tiptoes to kiss him.