24. Gabe
24 /
gabe
I ran out the door so fast I forgot my coat. The icy wind off Lake Erie cut through my shirt like a hunting knife, but I didn’t go back inside until the gusts made my teeth chatter. Once I’d pulled the parka tight and flipped the hood over my head, I jogged to Brody’s house, rehearsing things I wanted to say when I got there. Please let them be enough.
My finger was poised to ring the bell when the door opened. Brody’s face was pale, his eyes puffy and raw. The sight of him like that made my chest ache, and I reached out, desperate to hold him so we could somehow make everything better.
But he stepped back out of my reach, crushing me. “No.”
A puck-sized lump rose in my throat, and I exhaled a shaky breath while I hung my coat on the rack by the door. Our eyes locked, and I searched his for anything that might tell me what he was thinking. Only bleak hurt stared back at me, clouding the warmth I’d always found there.
“Let’s go sit down.” He led us to his entertainment room without looking back, and I followed, holding a hand over my drumming heart.
Nodding toward the couch, he said, “Sit down while I get us a drink.”
Instinct urged me to follow him into the kitchen, wrap my arms around him, and press my lips to his neck. I needed to breathe him in and beg him to forgive me, but I somehow had the sense to know it wouldn’t be wise. The stiffness in his walk told me if I pushed too hard, I’d lose whatever fragile chance he was giving me.
He returned with two beers, still moving like a statue come to life. I accepted a bottle even though my stomach was in knots. A little alcohol wouldn’t solve anything, but it might loosen the bundle of twisted nerves inside me.
Brody sat in a chair across from the couch, looking like he might shatter if I said the wrong thing. After he lifted the bottle to his lips and took a long drink, he started picking at the label. Did he really think he would find the answers we needed on a bottle of hefeweizen?
The heat cycled on, and the soft hum filled the room until Brody raised his head and looked into my eyes. “You’ve hurt me more than anyone ever has. I thought I knew you, and I believed you loved me as much as I do you.”
Do— present tense. Hope bloomed in my chest, and I saw my chance. “I do, babe. I?—”
He silenced me by raising a hand. His expression was as fragile as his voice, and I pinched my thighs to stop myself from going to him.
“This is hard enough for me, and I need to get some things out while I can.” He took a shaky breath, then another quick sip of beer. “I know there’s a lot of good in you, Gabe. I’ve seen it. But asking me out to win a fucking bet?” His voice broke, and he glanced away long enough for me to start shaking. “That was one of the cruelest things I can think of. In a different way, it’s as bad as what Wes did to me. He used me. If he’d cared about me, he wouldn’t have fed me to the vultures the way he did. Now I’ve found out you used me, too, and I can’t help wondering if you care about me. Or was I nothing but a diversion, like all your other boyfriends?”
I bristled but bit back a retort. “Brody, I?—”
Before I could say more, he cut me off again, his voice rising. “Was any of it real? Did you have any feelings for me at all?”
His words crashed into me, leaving me breathless. Pain filled the room like a physical presence, and for the first time in my life, I had no idea what to say.
“Answer me,” he demanded. “I deserve to know the truth.”
I forced myself to breathe and prayed he’d believe me. “I love you, Brody. I’ve never lied to you about anything.”
He narrowed his eyes to a squint. “Are you sure? Asking me on that first date implied you wanted to go, but doing it to win a bet makes me think you weren’t actually interested in me.”
“That’s fucking bullshit.” My sharp tone made him flinch, and I immediately lowered my voice. “Yes, there was a bet. It was stupid. I was?—”
“That tells me all I need to know.” His words were cold and final.
Anger shot through me, hot enough to burn away my panic. “The hell it does. I listened to you, so the least you can do is hear me out.”
“I don’t know if I can.” His voice was loud, too, and he slammed his beer bottle on the side table.
I clenched my fists by my sides, fighting to regain control. After a moment, I relaxed them and spread my palms flat on my thighs. “Yes, you can. I don’t believe you’d have asked to talk if you didn’t care what I have to say. You knew about the bet when you texted me, so you didn’t call me here just to confirm it.”
He sagged back into his chair, looking as bone-weary as I felt. “You’re right.”
“Okay.” I started in before he could change his mind. “After we met on the trail, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. It got worse when camp started and we spent half our time staring at each other across the rink. I’d never dated a teammate before, and you seemed very nervous. I wasn’t sure if it was about me or being new with the team, but I didn’t want to spook you more, so I waited.”
He slowly shook his head. “Gabe, you can’t justify betting about whether I’d go out with you.”
“That wasn’t it. I know your thoughts must be all over the place, but if you’re going to be mad about the bet, at least know what it was about. Holky knew I liked you, and he thought I was too afraid to ask you out. The bet was about me, not you. He challenged me because he knew it would push me to do what I already wanted to—ask you to go out with me.”
“So, you admit you did it to win the bet?”
“No, I did not . There was the bet, but I’d planned to ask you for a date before the bet ever happened. I’d been thinking about asking you for a while, and I wish to hell I hadn’t let Holky know he was getting under my skin when he said I was afraid.”
Brody picked up his beer for another long pull. After setting the bottle down, he asked, “Had you already made the bet when we hooked up at your cookout? Please don’t lie.”
“I’m not a fucking liar.” My voice cracked with frustration. “I wish you’d stop saying that.”
“That’s funny because I feel lied to.”
“You’re not. I did something stupid, but I never lied.”
He didn’t blink. “You haven’t answered my question.”
I felt like running outside and screaming at the top of my lungs, but I forced myself to act calm. If I did something rash, this would be over. “No, the bet didn’t come until later. I took you into the house because I wanted to. I wanted you, and you seemed to be all in.”
“I was.” He cleared his throat and sighed. “When did you make the bet?”
A lead weight settled in my stomach, and I swallowed back the bile rising in my throat. “It was at the cookout, but it happened later. Remember when I went outside after we cuddled?”
His chin trembled. “Had you already made the bet when you asked me out?”
Dragging in a breath, I clenched my jaw, determined not to snap at him. “Think about it. There wouldn’t have been a bet if I’d already asked you out. But I swear, I didn’t ask you because of the damn bet. I asked because I wanted to get to know you and spend time together. I wanted to see if there could be something between us, and there was. There is . None of it would’ve been possible if we hadn’t taken that first step.”
“I see.” He shifted his gaze, fixing it over my head. His eyes were as flat as if he couldn’t see anything at all.
“Fuck this!” I jumped off the couch and dropped to my knees in front of him. “Brody, look at me.” He didn’t move, so I tried again, louder and more desperate. “Look at me.”
Otto, who had been lying quietly on the floor, gave two sharp barks. Moving at the speed of cold honey, Brody lowered his head and met my eyes. I reached for his hand, half expecting him to fight me off, but he didn’t. I cradled his hand between both of mine, hoping his heart skipped a beat when we touched, just as mine had.
“I love you, babe. Deep down, you must know that. No one could fake the way I feel or what we’re building together. I made a dumb, thoughtless mistake, and I hate myself for it. I don’t have the words to tell you how much I regret it.”
Brody narrowed his eyes and tilted his head. Was I getting through?
“You made a bet about me.” His quiet voice was heavy with betrayal. “In what world is that not supposed to matter?”
“God almighty!” I groaned, taking one of my hands back and raking it through my hair. “Holky and I had both forgotten about the bet. That’s how important it was, so urgent that neither of us even remembered it. If that doesn’t show how meaningless it was, nothing will.”
“It was stupid, and now we’re both hurting. I don’t know what to do.”
The misery in his voice mirrored the ache in my heart, but I wasn’t giving up. “Do you believe I love you?” If he said yes, there was hope. But if he said no… I didn’t want to think about that. “Yes or no, Brody. Do you believe I love you?”
He stared at me for what must have been an eternity before giving a single nod. “Yes.”
The relief was so overwhelming it took me a minute to breathe. “Thank God. We can make it better, then.”
He pressed his lips into a thin line and made me wait for his words. “I don’t know if we can. It isn’t that simple.”
The words were like a physical blow. “What the fuck? If we love each other, we can fix anything. Why wouldn’t you want to?”
“I didn’t say I don’t want to.” His voice softened, but the sadness in it was still heartbreaking. “But I don’t think you understand how much this has hurt me. All I can think of is what a fool I’ve been, wondering why I fall for men who don’t care how they treat me.”
“I do care.”
Instead of responding, he watched me with the same hollow expression he’d had on since I arrived. Silence stretched on, heavy and oppressive, until something inside me snapped. All at once, the weight of everything—the pain, the fear, the guilt—was too much. My chest heaved, and loud, ragged sobs tore out of me.
Brody broke down too. After a few seconds, he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around me. We clung to each other while we cried. He placed his cheek against mine, and our mingled tears somehow gave me hope.
When we’d cried ourselves out, Brody stood and leaned over to help me up. He led me to the couch, where we sat shoulder to shoulder. Otto jumped up and curled at my side while I rested a hand on his trembling body.
“I don’t want to give up on us.” Brody’s voice was so soft I almost didn’t hear it, but his words were a lifeline.
I turned to him, still not quite sure I’d heard correctly. “Did you say…”
“I don’t want to give up.” His eyes met mine, wide and uncertain, but unmistakably sincere.
“That’s great because I don’t either. We’ll get past this.”
“I hope so. I don’t know how, though. I’ve got to think.”
I wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. “We’ll figure it out together. That’s what couples do.”
He leaned against me and splayed his hand across my chest. Then he seemed to think better of it and pulled away. “If we make it, we’ll do that. But I can’t rely on you to figure things out for me. No one can do that. I need time, Gabe.”
My spirits sank as the hope I’d felt a moment before dimmed. “How much?” I dreaded the answer.
“As much as it takes. I don’t think it’ll be too long. I’ll either get over it or not. Duh.”
“Why can’t we help each other and get through it together?”
He exhaled a long, weary breath that sounded more forlorn than the wind howling outside. “If I don’t deal with this, we’ll never be safe. It’ll be a time bomb ticking away, slowly eating at me until I explode.”
As much as I hated it, I understood. Brody went through hell in Boston, and learning about the bet ripped open wounds that had never fully healed. He was right; he needed to work through it and find his way back to trusting me, and as much as it hurt, I had to give him time to do that.
Otto’s light snores made me realize how exhausted I was, and I asked, “Can I stay here tonight?”
“You know that’s not a good idea. We need to take a step back, but I promise I’m not giving up.”
I nodded, not agreeing but understanding. “We’re leaving for Florida tomorrow. Can we ride to the airport together? I won’t even talk if you don’t want me to.”
He hesitated before finally giving me one of his single nods. “I guess that would be okay.”
“Good.” I forced a smile I didn’t feel. “Pick you up at eleven?”
“All right.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes before he walked me to the door. For a moment, we stood there staring at each other, and I couldn’t help thinking about our first kiss. It happened in the same spot, as I was getting ready to leave. He held out his arms for a hug but turned his head when I tried to kiss him.
We held on for a long time before I stepped back and said, “Remember when you’re thinking: the bet was about me, to push me to do what I already wanted to.”
The wind almost knocked me off my feet when I went outside. After a few steps, I turned back. Brody stood in the open door, watching me. I tapped my chest twice and pointed at him. To my great relief, he rewarded me with a small smile.