27. Brody
27 /
brody
I was finally well enough to take Otto for a proper walk, a definite victory in my battle against the flu. In the five days since I woke up feeling like death, Otto had remained glued to my side, as if his loyalty alone could pull me through. Between Em’s daily visits and the times I was able to go downstairs to let him outside, he’d made do. Today, the sight of him prancing along the sidewalk in his sweater and booties made me smile. I felt like I was making it up to him for being a bad friend while I was sick.
The forecast today called for a balmy thirty-five degrees, a heat wave compared to the last time I’d been outside. Hopefully, the sunshine was a sign of good things to come, even if my nerves were determined to be the devil’s advocate. The team was flying back from DC this morning, so Gabe would be home soon. I couldn’t avoid a serious conversation any longer. Not that I wanted to put it off, but it would be big. Needing objective input, I’d managed to get a telephone appointment with Dr. Ibarra yesterday, and after talking with her, I’d spent most of the time rehearsing what I wanted to say.
I loved Gabe so much that the thought of shutting him out completely was unbearable, but love couldn’t fix everything. The bruises left by the Beanies ran even deeper than I’d realized. Part of me wondered if I’d overreacted to the bet because of my baggage, but Em—blunt as always—reminded me that recovery from trauma isn’t a straight line. My feelings were real, not silly, and if I didn’t trust Gabe fully yet, that was okay. Rebuilding trust would take time, but I believed in us enough to know we could get there together.
Otto pulled on the leash, and we walked to the end of the block before turning toward home. I glanced at my watch as we headed up the front walk—eleven a.m. The team’s flight was probably landing about now, which meant Gabe would be home around noon. I had enough time to settle my nerves and rehearse how to start the conversation.
We’d kept our connection alive by texting every day and talking a couple of times. Yesterday, I’d almost blurted out what I was thinking, but this was too important for messaging and too delicate for a phone call.
The Warriors’ performance on the roadie hadn’t been the best, but after the Miami disaster, they pulled out an overtime win against the Barracudas last night. I actually heard Harpy’s whoop of triumph when he scored the game-winner, though it had to be bittersweet. He’d spent three years with the Barracudas before joining Buffalo and was still close to several of their players.
Gabe texted after the game saying Harpy had invited him and some other Warriors out for drinks with the Barracudas. It sounded like an awesome time, and I was glad Gabe could still have a little fun even with everything that was going on. If hanging out with Nick Johnson and Kev Moore couldn’t cheer him up, nothing would.
Otto barked, pulling me from my thoughts, and I realized we were standing at the door. As we went inside, the warmth of the house wrapped around me, but it didn’t quite ease the tension coiling in my chest. In an hour, I’d see Gabe. It was time to stop circling our issues and face them head-on.
I showered and had finished getting dressed when the doorbell rang. My heart gunned into overdrive. It was only eleven thirty, but apparently, it was showtime. Otto was already barking at the door, and I tried to calm myself as I headed downstairs. Please let everything be okay.
Instead of Gabe, I found Holky and Harpy standing on the porch. Confused, I looked around, but they were alone. My heart gave a giant thump and then stood still. Had Gabe decided to let things go? Even if he had, surely he’d tell me himself instead of sending our teammates to do it for him.
Harpy broke into a big smile. “Hi, Brody, how are you feeling?”
“Better, thanks. Otto and I went for a walk. First time I’d been out since I got sick.”
“That’s great. Are you?—”
Holky rubbed his hands together and asked, “Can we come in? It’s cold as shit out here.”
“Sorry, I’m still a little foggy from the flu.” I stepped back so they could enter, and the words tumbled out before I could stop them. “Where’s Gabe?”
Holky closed the door as Harpy answered, “He had to go to Boston at the last minute and asked us to come get you. You won’t be staying overnight, so there’s no need to pack.”
My thoughts raced, trying to catch up. “Why is he in Boston?” A chill rippled through me as Harpy’s words sank in—Gabe wanted me to go to Boston. “Why do I have to go? I… I’d rather not. I’ve had bad experiences there, and?—”
Holky stepped closer and placed a hand on my back. “Gabe thought you’d say that, but he really needs you there. Please come with us.”
“I don’t… No, I can’t.”
Harpy looked into my eyes. “I know it’ll be hard, but we care about you. Your Warriors brothers will keep you safe.”
My breath caught in my throat, and I forced myself to take a moment to think. Why Boston? Gabe knew all the reasons I wouldn’t want to go. Just seeing the airport would drag up all those terrible memories and totally mess up my head.
Still, Harpy had a point. I knew he and Holky cared about me, and I was pretty sure they knew a lot more about what happened with the Beanies than they let on. They wouldn’t ask me to go if they thought I’d be hurt. Fuck me. If I wanted to be with Gabe, I needed to trust him enough to go. I couldn’t allow the goddamn Beanies to dictate how I felt forever.
“You’ll be glad you went.” Holky sing-songed the words, making me smile against all odds.
I swallowed hard and took a slow breath. “All right, but are you sure we’ll come back tonight? I can’t leave Otto alone.”
“We’ll be back,” Holky said.
Harpy nodded toward the door. “There’s a two o’clock flight, so we need to get going.”
Boston loomed cold and gray, like the memories that haunted me. The taunts, whispers, and bruises didn’t live in the past; they lived here. As soon as Holky told the cab driver to take us to the Ice Citadel, my heart froze. The Citadel, the Beanies’ arena, was my personal version of hell.
I clenched my hands into fists, pressing my nails into my palms to keep them steady. Why the Citadel, of all places?
“Is Gabe there?” My voice came out thin and strangled, little more than a whisper.
Harpy placed a hand on my knee, giving me a lifeline. “He is, and he’ll explain everything when you see him.”
Holky draped an arm around my shoulders. “The Beanies are on the West Coast, so you won’t have to see any of them. You’re safe, Tanny. Gabe would never let anything bad happen to you.”
Surely he’s right. Gabe never wanted me to be hurt, and he doesn’t now. Whatever his reason for bringing me to Boston, it isn’t to cause more pain.
Trust , I told myself, over and over. Trust. The word became a drumbeat in my mind. Harpy and Holky were two of the nicest guys I’d ever met, and Gabe loved me. None of them would set me up for anything bad, something I was surer of since asking Holky about the bet on the flight from Buffalo. He’d told me exactly what Gabe had—that he’d made the bet to push Gabe to do what he’d already wanted to and ask me out, and that they’d both forgotten about it. Holky then spent about five minutes apologizing for the hurt the bet had caused.
Even though I believed him, I wanted to run. My foot twitched, my fingers flexed, and—for a wild second—I considered jumping out of the cab and bolting into the streets.
The closer we got to downtown, the harder it became to breathe. Skyscrapers, sharp and jagged against the sky, were hulking monsters straight out of my nightmares. When the Ice Citadel came into view, its name mocked me. A citadel was a fortress, but for me, it had become a prison. Cold sweat ran down the back of my neck, and it wasn’t the flu this time; it was pure, gut-wrenching fear.
Harpy removed his hand from my knee and wrapped it around my clenched fist. “Easy, buddy. We’ve got you. We take care of each other on the ice, and that’s in a game. This is real life, and Nate and I will do anything to keep you safe.”
“Goddamn right,” Holky said.
I nodded and closed my eyes. The cab seemed to be moving at two different speeds, hurtling forward one second and dragging to a crawl the next. Time bent and twisted until, without warning, we jerked to a halt.
“We’re here,” Holky said. “Come on, Brody.”
I looked out, and—what the fuck?—we were at the players’ entrance. I forced myself out of the cab, but then my legs wouldn’t move. I was rooted to the sidewalk, unable to take a step toward the door.
“Let’s go.” Harpy and Holky each pressed a hand to my back and urged me forward. Holky knocked when we reached the door, and it opened immediately.
Gabe was there, larger than life, taking my breath away. A smile exploded across his face as he walked toward me, and his eyes lit up like he hadn’t been through a week of torture.
His lips trembled before he spoke. “Hey, stranger.”
My fear cracked. Warmth rushed through me, already starting to thaw the icy knot in my stomach. Tears sprang to my eyes, but I was determined not to cry. “H-hey back, stranger.”
He put a hand on my cheek, and I pressed against it like a cat. His palm, rough and familiar, grounded me. Our gazes locked, and we were quiet until he swept his fingers under my eyes, wiping away the tears I hadn’t been able to hold back. “Everything’s okay.” His words were as soft as his touch. “Can I have a hug?”
“Yes. I need one too.”
Gabe squeezed me as I leaned into him. When he rested his head on my shoulder, I closed my eyes and breathed in his scent. It was hard to believe this was happening right outside the Ice Citadel.
“I love you so much, Brody.”
His husky voice made my heart ache. He’d hurt me with the bet, but I’d wounded him too.
“I love you too,” I said, “but why are we here?”
He stepped back and took my hand. “Come with me and find out.”
Holky and Harpy followed us into the building. The familiar smell—floor polish soured by the faint odor of hockey gear—hit me hard. With every step, the knot in my stomach tightened, and my heart faltered when we stopped in front of the elevator.
The Beanies’ home games were in the arena, and their practice rink was underground. That elevator was a gateway to memories I’d spent a year trying to bury. When I played here, I’d taken the elevator every day on my way to the locker room for morning skate. At the end, I’d felt like I was descending into hell.
The doors slid open, bringing me back to the present. My grip on Gabe’s hand tightened as we entered, and my words were rushed and breathless. “I don’t want to be here. I’m so afraid.”
Gabe turned to face me and placed his hands on my hips. “I promise no one will hurt you, so can we make a deal? Give me five minutes, and if you still want to leave, we’ll go.” His eyes searched mine as he added, “Can you trust me that much?”
Can I? My heart hammered against my rib cage. Trusting was hard, and right now, I couldn’t think about anything but the Beanies and how they’d hurt me. But they weren’t there, I reminded myself. I was with Gabe, and if I couldn’t give him a few minutes, we didn’t have much to work with. I looked into his eyes and nodded.
Holky held the elevator door as we stepped out, and I fought to push back the memories screaming at the edges of my mind. Gabe reached for my hand again as we walked down the hall. I tensed as we approached the locker room, but he led me past it and through a side door into the rink.
He turned and brushed his fingers up my arm. “A guy named Ronnie Bowen played in juniors with Packy, and he’s now the facilities manager here. I asked him if we could have some private time on the ice. He said yes, so will you please do me the honor of skating with me?”
Fear coiled around my ribs, tightening with each breath. The last time I’d been down here, everything had gone to hell. It was the day before we left for Toronto, and morning skate turned into a war—brutal body checks, elbows in the ribs, and ugly names hissed from every direction. Chad Harmon had skated close enough to kiss me, only to spit in my face instead. Wes, the fucking coward, kept his distance. He looked at me exactly once and mouthed, “Sorry.”
Come fucking on . The asshole was sorry? Was that supposed to make me think he cared? He’d told a lie that focused all the team’s hatred on me, and for days, they’d abused me in every way possible because they were stupid enough to think I’d forced Wes to have sex with me. No, Wes wasn’t one bit sorry.
I shook my head to clear the thoughts. This wasn’t then, and I wasn’t alone now. Gabe placed his hands on my hips again, and the tightness in my chest eased.
“I’d love to skate with you,” I said, “but I don’t have any skates.”
“You do,” Harpy called out. “We got your size from the Warriors’ equipment manager, and Gabe bought some this morning.”
“Everything’s under the bench, Chief,” Holky said. Then he turned to Harper. “This is our cue to leave.”
Harpy looked into my eyes. “We’ll be down by the elevator, so yell if you need us. Otherwise, we’ll see you in a while.”
Gabe tapped my arm and steered me toward a bench near the door. “Have a seat and let’s get skated up.” He reached under the bench, pulled out two pairs of skates, and handed one to me. Flashing an easy smile, he sat beside me. “Relax, babe. We’re going to have fun.”
I followed his lead and put on my skates, focusing on the familiar motions of tightening the laces and tucking the ends. When we were both ready, Gabe leaned over and pulled something else from under the bench. He stood, holding up a Warriors jersey, with the front facing me. He kissed the back before slipping it over his shirt. Then, grinning big, he turned in a slow circle. “What do you think?”
I stared at the jersey, which had my name and number on the back: Tanner, 37. That’s why he’d kissed it. My throat was so full I could barely whisper, “You look so good.”
His grin broadened, but I didn’t miss the muscle twitching under his eye. “Tanner’s my favorite player,” he said. “He’s my favorite man, too. If he’ll have me, I’d like to be his again.”
Gabe was wearing my name and number. On some level, it reminded me of a kid in high school wearing his boyfriend’s jersey, but this wasn’t about showing off or making a statement to others. Instead, it was a sign of dedication. He was proclaiming he was mine without needing anyone else to hear it, like I was the only one who mattered.
I stood and faced him. “I’d like that a lot.”
He glanced down and let out a shaky breath. After a moment, his shoulders relaxed, and he raised his head. “That makes me incredibly happy.”
“Me too.” My heart was beating so fast my voice shook.
Gabe nodded and extended a hand. “Skate with me?”
I reached for him as we stepped onto the ice, and the cold air brushed my cheeks as we did a lap together. Skating had always relaxed me, and today was no different. When we reached center ice, Gabe stopped. He turned to face me, and his hand trembled as he rubbed his cheek. When he finally spoke, his voice wavered. “I screwed up, Brody. I can’t promise I’ll be perfect, but I’ll do better. I’ll be more considerate of your feelings, and I’ll sure as hell never make another bet.”
I swallowed hard. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. If not for everything that happened, a lot of it right here in this building, I wouldn’t be so bruised. I’m sorry about how I reacted.”
“Don’t be. You felt the way anyone would if they had your history. I admire you, Brody. I’m in awe of you. You’ve been through so much, but you survived. Now you live in a new city, you’re part of a team that loves you, and you’re playing better than you ever have. I’d give anything to change what happened with us. I hate that I broke your trust, but like I said, I’ll do better.” He paused for a deep breath, then asked, “Can you forgive me?”
Warmth spread through me like sunshine, driving away the shadows that had lingered far too long. “Yes, and why don’t we both agree to do better? I’ll work on trusting you more and focus on showing how much I love you.”
He smiled and pulled me into a hug, “It’s a deal. I love you, babe. I hope I never hurt you again.”
His arms felt like home, and I relaxed into them. He brushed soft kisses against the corners of my mouth before teasing his tongue over my lips. A soft hum escaped me when his mouth settled over mine. I slid my arms around him and pulled him closer as his tongue slipped into my mouth. He tasted like vanilla lip balm, and the familiar flavor comforted me.
Safe in his arms, I was exactly where I belonged. He understood me better than anyone ever had, and he’d somehow known that coming here was what I needed. By turning the place that held my deepest shame into a symbol of love and acceptance, Gabe had helped me reclaim my past. I could finally look to the future and enjoy a life with the most incredible man I’d ever known.