5. Lilah
5
LILAH
Day 1 of Asher’s 30 Days of Abstinence
Dear Diary,
I hope you don’t mind calling you that. I can’t remember the last time I kept a diary. But you’re not going to be like the diary I kept during my teenage years. You’re not going to be filled with angst. No doodles or names of boys decorated in hearts. Not an ounce of drama whatsoever.
You’re going to be different. You’ll be my daily log to track my interactions with Asher and whether he holds his side of our deal.
I can’t believe he agreed to everything. He didn’t balk at the amount of money I asked for, including the advance I wanted to pay off my rent. I’m not swimming in cash or anything but it feels like I am now that I can afford to buy more than ramen, bread, and peanut butter at the store.
I can’t wait to repay Josie for all those times she knocked on my door, a casserole or plate of cookies in her hand. I’ll forever be grateful for my wonderful neighbor. Remind me to order her flowers, Diary. The biggest bouquet ever.
Today will be my first day working with Asher and I don’t know what to expect. Will our dynamic change? It has to, right? He’s contractually obligated to keep his hands off me. Keep everything professional. Even though every bone in my body wants something else. A… different kind of bone. In my body. Whew.
It had to happen, though. A relationship with Asher would complicate everything and threaten my newfound financial stability. I can’t risk it. But only time will tell if I made the right choice. It’s strange how much I’ve been drawn to Asher.
He seems to feel the same way, but I don’t know if it’s real or an act. If it’s something he tries on every woman. I find it hard to believe that a man like him hasn’t been with a woman in nearly a decade.
He’s too skilled. Too practiced. Everything he does… Well, I’m not ready to divulge everything quite yet. There’s still a long way to go until these thirty days are up.
I hope I made the right choice.
Day 3
Asher’s taking this seriously. A little too seriously if you ask me.
It’s as though someone erected an invisible barrier around me that repels him when I get close. This is exactly what I wanted though, right? I wanted to make sure that we could maintain a professional relationship. That I could work with him without working under him…
However, I’m beginning to realize my mistake. I thought Asher was going to be the one having difficulties keeping his hands off me, and I’d have to remind him of the rules and repercussions. But instead, I’m the one begging for it. I’m the one aching for him to break the rules I set up so I can finally feel his hands on me again. It’s torture and it’s only been three days. THREE. DAYS. I might go mad before this month is over, and it will be all my fault.
Get this. He apologized after his fingers grazed mine when I passed him a pen to sign off on some documents. It was sincere too. And I felt bad because I was the one who made it happen. I wanted him to feel his fingers brush my skin for the briefest of moments. A small taste. It felt so good and my fingers still tingle hours later.
I should probably get that checked out. BlackeThorne Entertainment has excellent healthcare coverage but I’ll wait until morning to see if it’s gone.
Tomorrow is a new day. And even though I’ll be cloistered inside Asher’s office again, I’ll make it through. This is the first time I’ve had a job that I enjoy. There’s a special kind of energy here.
Or maybe it’s just Asher.
Day 7
Sorry, it’s taken me so long to write. A lot has happened. No, Asher still hasn’t touched me. There hasn’t been so much as a brush of his knuckles or a guiding hand on the small of my back as we enter a room.
Nada. Nothing. Zilch.
But today marks one week. I’ve worked with Asher for one week and we’ve successfully kept everything professional. And I’m beginning to think that he really likes me. Everything was moving so fast from the moment we met that I was questioning whether his feelings for me were real or manufactured to get me into my pants… continuously.
But with my pants securely attached to my body, I still feel his desire for me. It’s hard not to when I catch him many times a day staring at me from across his office. He’ll be taking a phone call or perusing a contract and then I’ll feel that warm, tingling sensation on my skin.
No, I still haven’t gotten it checked out, but I know the cause because it crops up each time Asher looks at me. And I don’t want to fix the issue.
But it’s given me some time to consider my feelings. It’s strange. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. Although all the terrible love poetry, angst-filled entries, and pages of pining in my other diaries might disagree.
It’s true though. For the first time in my life, I’ve met a man who makes me feel wanted and desired. A man who listens to me not as a perfunctory box to check on the way to the bedroom, but because he’s interested. I feel heard and seen. I feel…
I feel lucky to have stumbled into the Ridgeway Hotel. The heavy veil that guided me there and has shrouded me for years finally feels like it’s being lifted when I’m around him. The future finally seems bright, and for the first time, I think I might start checking off items on my bucket list. If only I could find it.
It’s long gone by now. I’m sad that I lost it, but I can start fresh with everything. A clean slate. I have the list memorized by heart so it won’t be hard. I already have a few items to check off thanks to Asher. And based on our travel schedule, there will be even more!
So yes, I’ve decided to stick with being Asher’s assistant. I like this job and I’m hoping that doesn’t change once this month is over.
I’m not sure what’s going to happen when the restriction is finally lifted, but I can’t think about it. I need to sleep because tomorrow we’re leaving for Cherry Ridge!
Asher wants my thoughts on the location of the TV series they’re developing. Apparently, I might even see the northern lights and a solar eclipse while we’re there!
I need to get going on the bucket list so I can get busy checking them off!
Until next time.
Day 8
This is bad. We made it to Cherry Ridge. Don’t get me wrong, this is a lovely town and I can’t wait to explore it, but that’s not the reason for this entry. The town isn’t the issue. It’s the sleeping accommodations while we're here.
There’s only one bed and there are no other rooms. Who’d have thought we’d have chosen the week of some big woodworking convention? I’ve never seen so many flannel shirts and beards in one place before.
I know, I know. What’s the big deal? I’ve already slept with Asher. He’s very well acquainted with my body. And I’d like to be a little more acquainted with his, but that’s— crap. Got to go, Diary. He’s on his way back. I thought I’d have a little more but it will have to wait.
Update: Wow. Oooookay.
I hope my writing is legible because I’m scrawling in pitch darkness sometime after midnight.
Asher is a mere foot or so away from me. Yes, we’re sharing the bed. And yes, I can’t sleep at all with him so close, breathing the same air, and feeling his body heat radiate underneath the sheets. Everything inside of me is screaming to roll over and end this madness.
I know. I brought this on myself. And he’s in this bed because of me. Asher wanted to sleep on the ground, but I refused. We’re adults. We can behave. But Diary… I don’t want to. And I can’t believe he is behaving.
But, all that aside, that’s not why I’m writing this in the dead of night. I made a discovery.
Asher talks in his sleep. But more than that, he talks about me in his sleep. He’s been moaning my name on and off for the last hour or so. I’m not sure though because I’ve lost track of time trying to decipher some of his more cryptic phrases.
Oh god. Desk. Panties. Off. Mine. There’s nothing cryptic about what he’s dreaming about now.
Triceratops.
Okay, maybe I shouldn’t read into his ramblings too much, but at least now I know he’s not breezing easily through the thirty-day challenge as he lets on.
But now it really is time to sleep. Tomorrow is a big day and I’ll need all the rest I can get.
Apart from all the meetings, we’re going horseback riding to see more of the mountain. I almost laughed in Asher’s face when he asked me to schedule that. I wonder if he packed a custom suit for the occasion. It’s hard to imagine him wearing denim, but I think I’ll snag a cowboy hat for him from the gift shop. I can’t wait.
And after that, we might even see the northern lights thanks to the increase in solar activity over the next few days. At least, that’s what the locals have said. Asher rented out an old fire lookout for us so we could watch while we sample some of the local restaurants.
It’s not a date, Diary. He wants to make sure that Cherry Ridge can feed the cast and crew well if BlackeThorne moves forward with production here.
And by the end of the week, I’ll have checked multiple things off my bucket list. It’s crazy how fast I’m checking them off since I’ve been with Asher. He has no idea that I’m loving everything we’re doing.
Day 15
I’m in trouble. Deep trouble.
No, my job isn’t in jeopardy. At least, as far as I can tell Asher is pleased with my work. All those years wrangling my siblings has paid off, so it’s been a smooth transition to wrangling Asher and his chaotic schedule. You wouldn’t know from his smooth appearance or his cold, calculating mannerisms that behind the scenes, his life is a bit of a mess.
But that seems to be a result of not letting go of the reins. He wants to control everything, but there are only so many plates a single person can balance and he reached capacity a long time ago.
He should have more than one assistant, honestly because—Okay! Sorry, Diary, but I’m getting side-tracked. All I mean to say is that I like my job, and I’d like to keep it. And that’s the trouble part.
I’m hopelessly falling for Asher. I knew it was a foregone conclusion before we left for Cherry Ridge, but after? It’s a done deal. It’s crazy. The trip didn’t feel like work. It felt more like a honeymoon but without all of the sex. There was no touching at all, even though we shared a bed for the entirety of the trip.
Each day felt like a dream. Horseback riding. Stargazing in the mountains with a cameo from the northern lights one evening. An impromptu concert at the hotel by one of my favorite artists. I checked off more bucket list items last week than I have in my entire life.
And I’m about to check off another: Fall for someone hard.
It’s happening, Diary. I feel it swirling in my body each time I look at Asher. A fluttering. Yes, a tingling. I can’t help it though. I thought if I took out our physical connection from the equation, Asher would realize I’m not special and move on. I’d be able to keep my job without the complication of feelings because my hunch would’ve been right. I was just the flavor of the week.
But now I’m dreading that I made a huge mistake. I’m not sure if that’s what I want after these thirty days are over. I want Asher to touch me again. I think I might quit if he moves on because I don’t think I’d be able to handle it if he doesn’t feel the same.
Diary, I have no idea what to do.
Day 16
There’s nothing forbidden about two employees having a relationship. I read the company’s employee manual thoroughly. We have to fill out some forms, and that’s about it.
It’s good to know in case something like that might arise. That’s all. I had plenty of time to do some research while Asher was in meetings all day.
Tonight, I’m accompanying him to some event. He tells me it might be a little boring but it’s part of the job and he’ll be paying me a bonus. The truth is, I’d have done it for free.
Day 17
Okay. That was not boring. It was an event alright. The. Academy. Awards. WHAT? Talk about a never-going-to-happen bucket list item being knocked out.
I knew something was up when Asher brought me to his penthouse at the end of the day. And when I saw a stunning woman sitting on his couch, I nearly lost it.
Until I found out she was the stylist Asher hired for me. The dresses waiting for me were gorgeous. One-of-a-kind from designers I’ve never heard of before. It felt surreal. Even more surreal when the hair stylist/makeup artist waltzed in and worked her magic on me in preparation for our… Outing.
It wasn’t a date. It wasn’t.
It was a standard outing between a boss and his trusty assistant. We were there to rub elbows with industry magnates and nothing more. There was no fun to be had. And okay, we did lift the no-touching rule. But how else could Asher properly help me out of the limo and escort me down the red carpet?
My dress was not easy to maneuver by myself. We might’ve shared a dance or two at an after-party but that was it. It was a one-time thing, Diary. I swear.
But this all feels too good to be true. Less than a month ago I was getting by on cups of ramen noodles and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when my lovely neighbor Josie wasn’t feeding me out of pity. I’ve been wearing the same clothes for most of my adult life because I can’t afford anything else.
But Asher’s been treating me like royalty. When I stumbled into the Ridgeway Hotel weeks ago, I was looking for a taste of this kind of life. A crumb. A scrap. But now I have more than my fair share, and I’m not sure it’s what I want.
Believe me, I don’t want to go backward. It just feels… too easy. What have I done to deserve it all? How can my life change so drastically in such a short time? I want to work for what I have, not have it given to me.
It’s complicated, and I’m trying to be grateful. I am grateful. But something just feels off and I can’t pin it down. At this rate, the next time we’ll talk it will be after my trip to the moon.
Until next time…
Day 24
Asher’s been extraordinarily moody lately. I think the no-touching rule is finally getting to him. I might have to move out of his office and into my own. I’ll ask him later today.
Update: Asher lost it when I mentioned moving out of his office. We were in the elevator on the way to his penthouse for lunch. We’ve been doing that lately to continue working through his schedule and planning. It has been a week, to say the least, and I haven’t had time to update you as much as I like.
But I needed to after that elevator ride. So, Asher’s mood-cloud was thick , and I couldn’t ignore it any longer so I mentioned that I think it was time I moved into my own space—the empty desk outside his office door that his old assistant used.
He said no, and I pressed him. I don’t even remember his explanation because it was so shoddy. Like… he needed me closer. No barriers. It was easier than paging me.
I stood my ground and said I’d be working there from then on, and that's when it happened. A flashback to our first elevator ride. Him caging me against the wall. His lips on mine and hands all over me. But this time he didn’t kiss me.
I wanted him to kiss me. My body has been aching to kiss him for weeks now. But he kept his lips centimeters from my skin, the warmth of his breath rolling over me as he rasped and growled at me.
I can’t recall a single word that he said, but I can’t forget how he made me feel. I still feel it now, the twist and clench in my belly. The headiness from his scent and the way he penned me in with his body.
He touched me briefly but this time he didn’t apologize. And I’m not going to bring it up because it felt good. Way too good. But I guess that’s what happens when you restrict yourself from indulging in something you want and crave and need for so long. It hasn’t been a month but I know the first time he really touches me. Kisses me. Takes me. It will be indescribable.
But that’s why I need to leave his office. It’s only one week, and I know if I have to face him again, I might be the one to break the rules.
Day 25
I miss being in Asher’s office.
On the bright side, I’m getting a lot more work done and I’m meeting more people. It was like I was in a completely different world when I was in Asher’s office, just the two of us. I’ve nearly forgotten about everyone on the other side of the door.
I had lunch with someone other than Asher today.
I’m not sure he’s happy about that, but he was in a meeting and it was Taco Tuesday.
He’ll understand.
Day 26
Asher left me a note on my desk.
Come back.
Day 27
He left another note.
I’ve never missed anyone like I miss you.
Day 29
I’m going to find Asher’s watch. I know he doesn’t care about it, but I want to prove to him that I gave it back.