Chapter 43
Camila
I sit cross-legged on the rug of my condo, pajama pants on, oversized t-shirt swallowing me, curls matted from crying into my pillow. And don’t even get me started on my puffy cry face and mascara-stained eyelids.
When times are hard, I like to marinate in my ugly.
And these are hard times.
My chest hurts like something sharp is lodged there. Everything feels permanent and irreparable and hopeless…even though it’s only been four hours since I broke up with Hess.
A knock comes on the door, and I immediately freeze.
“Camila?” Carly’s voice comes from the hall.
“Open up. It’s us,” Blair says.
My girls. My safety net.
How did they—
I fling open the door, and Carly, Juliet, Emma, and Blair crowd in with wide eyes, like they’re seeing me for the first time. And maybe they are. They’ve seen me angry; they’ve seen me stubborn. But they’ve never seen this puffy-eyed, red-nosed, shoulders-shaking version of myself.
“What are you doing here?”
“Hess called us,” Emma answers. “He didn’t want you to be alone.”
“Hess called you?” My words wobble with emotion.
“Cam,” Carly whispers, already pulling me into her arms. “Oh my gosh.”
I let her hug me as the others pile around.
Blair pats my back robotically. “I’ve never seen you cry before.”
“I’m getting divorced.” The words come out in an embarrassing wail.
Juliet’s eyes narrow. “Wait. You asked him for a divorce?”
“I don’t like myself either.” I pull back from the hug, leading them all to my couch.
Emma frowns. “But you fell in love with each other.”
“I know, but I’ve seen enough to know that love doesn’t matter.
” I wipe at my face even though the tears keep streaming.
“Marriage doesn’t work. It’s a failed institution.
People cheat. They lie. They change their minds.
Why would I think my love is any different, especially when I’m a part of it?
I’m Glen Lucas’s daughter. My genetic DNA is made up of a manipulative, emotionally stunted man. That’s who I am too.”
“No. You’re not like that.” Emma’s voice is soft but steady. “You’re not Glen Lucas. You’re not those people who lie and cheat. You and Hess aren’t them.”
I shake my head. “Maybe Hess is different, but I’m not. I always run. Every relationship, every guy. I get bored or angry or suffocated, and I push them away, or I leave. I’m no better than my biological father. Who’s to say I won’t do that with Hess?”
Blair leans forward, eyes sharp. “You are doing that with Hess. You ran at the first chance, and for what?”
I lift my shoulders. “I don’t know. I saw Glen at the hearing yesterday.
He talked to me, tossed me and my mom aside again, and it broke me.
I don’t know why. It was nothing new, but it got in my head, and it made me realize just how messed up I am.
It seemed easier for everyone if I just ended things now, save ourselves the messy divorce later on when there are kids and years of emotional baggage. ”
“That’s fear talking, not truth.” Carly pats my leg. “You’re confusing the wreckage of other people’s choices with your own potential. You don’t have to run this time.”
“Maybe I want to,” I whisper, though the ache in my chest says otherwise.
“No, you don’t,” Carly says firmly. “If you did, you wouldn’t be crying like this.”
Juliet circles her hand in front of my face. “Yeah, this level of emotional distress, especially from you, tells me everything I need to know. You love Hess. You love him bad.”
“Or maybe I’m just a wreck because I lost my job, my little sister got married, and now I’ll be divorced. This is my twenty-six-year-old crisis.”
Emma shakes her head. “If you didn’t love Hess, you wouldn’t have let him into your heart the way you did.
You’ve let him into every part of your life.
And you did that before you lost your job, before Selena got married.
You did that because you wanted to. And now you’re leaving him because you think that’s what’s best for him. ”
“Okay, yes, I love him, but I’ve always looked down on women who give up everything because of a man. I swore I’d never be like that, so maybe I’m really running to be true to myself.”
“What are you giving up?” Juliet folds her arms. “You’re acting like independence and marriage can’t coexist, but Hess never once asked you to give up who you are.
He loves all the unique things about you that make you fiercely independent.
And if I’m being honest, you seemed way more yourself with him than you ever did alone. ”
Emma adds gently, “You always thought love meant losing yourself. But with him, you’ve only grown. That doesn’t sound like a loss of independence. That sounds like a partnership.”
Tears sting again. “But what if I screw it up? What if I’m not built for forever?”
Blair crosses her legs, her tone blunt. “Here’s the thing: none of us are magically built for forever.
We choose it, day by day. And you can too.
But you’ve gotta stop acting like you’re destined to fail before you even start.
We all know what your childhood was like, but at some point, you have to move on from your mom’s mistakes and your dad’s abandonment and stop letting it control your own life. ”
Their words circle me, tugging at every brick I’ve stacked back up around my heart.
Carly leans closer. “Camila, when have you ever been afraid of hard work? You killed yourself in law school and fought tooth and nail to become the best. Why is marriage any different? It takes effort, yeah, but you’re not afraid of effort.
If you love Hess and he makes you happy, I know you can do this. ”
Emma nods. “Don’t spend the rest of your life regretting not trying.”
“And I’ll be honest, you’re not going to find another Hess.” Blair lifts her shoulders. “Good men are hard to find. What if you let him slip away, and then you never get over him? You’ll be a miserable cat lady forever. Is that a chance you want to take?”
“I don’t even like cats.” I sniff out a laugh. “I’m more of a dog person.”
Carly glances around before her eyes land on me. “We all believe in you and Hess. You just need to have a little faith and believe it too.”
Faith.
It sounds so simple, but it requires so much from us.
My breath hitches, and for the first time all afternoon, a spark of clarity slices through the fog. Hess. His smile, his steadiness, the way he says my wife, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. I don’t want to give that up. He’s worth all the uncertainty.
Emma’s voice softens. “You’ve always been the strong one. But maybe this time, strength looks like letting yourself need someone, letting yourself stay.”
My lips lift into a half-smile.
Juliet points at the door. “Go to him. Right now. Don’t waste another second.”
I sniff, wipe my cheeks, and let out a shaky laugh. “I’m such an idiot. I just pushed away the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.” I look at Emma with horrified eyes. “I just told the most perfect man that I want a divorce.”
“You are an idiot,” Emma says through her own laughs. “But you’re human, and you’re stubborn, so I’m sure he’ll forgive you.”
Blair picks up my phone on the coffee table in front of us. “Go to him.”
I stand, heart pounding. “Okay, okay. I’ll go.”
I stumble on my way to the door but use the kitchen table to catch myself—convenient since that’s where my keys are. I slide on some Uggs then spin around, facing my friends.
“Wait.” I touch my hair. “I look awful. Should I freshen up?”
“No!” they say in unison, waving me out the door.
And for the first time since I left Hess’s house hours ago, hope surges inside me.
The forty-five-minute commute to Queen Creek took me fifty-eight minutes due to a traffic accident. By the time I pull up to our house and run inside, he’s gone.
“Hess?” I call, even though his truck isn’t here.
Harvey comes running, paws planting firmly on my hips.
“Hey, buddy!” I rub his head. “I’m sorry I left you earlier.
I was stupid and scared, but I’m back.” My fingers shift to behind his ears and down to his neck, and that’s when I see the small card tied to his collar. I gasp, seeing Hess’s handwriting.
If you’re reading this, I’m at our place. Love you.
“Harvey, I gotta go!”
He barks after me as I get in my car and drive off.
Looks like I have another forty-five-minute car ride to figure out what I want to say.