Chapter Eleven
Finn’s fingers tightened around mine momentarily before he let go altogether. The silence that followed was deafening while I wished with all my might that I’d waited. I could have called him the next day and we could have discussed it over the phone. At least then, I wouldn’t have had to suffer the absence of his touch. And any hope of being able to retrieve what I’d lost shattered as he shoved his hands deep into his pockets. “Finn?”
“When?”
He delivered the single word as sharp as a whip crack. So sharp that it was all I could do not to reel back from it. “I don’t know. Soon. I’ve been here five days already.”
“Five whole days,” Finn drawled. “Someone give the man a prize for his stamina.”
“Don’t be like that. You knew I had to go back eventually.”
“Yeah,” he said, the lack of emotion in his voice worse than if he’d carried on being angry.
“It’s not like I could just stay here forever. I have people relying on me. An entire workforce.”
“You do indeed.”
I carried on walking, the realization that Finn had come to a grinding halt and I was alone taking a few seconds. I turned to find him studying his watch. “What are you doing?”
“With my watch? Would you believe checking the time? People originally invented watches for that purpose. I understand your confusion, though, in this age of tracking everything from step count to sleep quality with them. But I thought I’d stick to the traditional. I was just thinking about how late you can get a flight. I reckon if you head straight for the airport, you might be in luck.”
Yeah, I’d definitely played this all wrong. It seemed I was just fated to keep fucking up with Finn. “I don’t want to get a flight tonight.”
“Early tomorrow morning, then. You could sleep at the airport.”
I retraced my steps to close the space between us. I ached to reach out and touch him, but knowing he would rebuff any attempt at contact, I curled my fingers into my palms instead. “I don’t want to go. I’d rather stay here.” With you. I didn’t say the last two words out loud. It would have been overkill, and Finn wouldn’t have been receptive to them.
“Stay here then.” Finn’s eyes flashed a challenge.
“You know I can’t.”
He tipped his chin up, his eyes glittering. “I assume you always had it in mind to fly back after the weekend?”
Had I? Maybe subconsciously, but I’d done my best not to think about it. Every conversation I’d had with Amrita, though, had added another thing to the list that needed doing, every other sentence from her seeming to end in “when you get back.”
Finn started walking again, his pace brisk like he had somewhere to be, and the quicker he got there, the better. I hurried to catch up with him. I bet he just couldn’t wait to put a few inches of wood between us when he closed the door in my face. “I shouldn’t have said anything today.”
Finn’s laugh was bitter. “Let’s be honest here. It’s not you, it’s—”
I seized hold of him and dragged him to a stop before he could complete his thought. “Don’t you dare trot out that tired old line. It’s not you. You’re perfect.”
Finn snorted. “Hardly.”
Spotting a cafe still open, I tugged him inside, Finn’s protest weak at best. While he went to sit at a table at the back, I ordered, keeping one eye on him in case he made a run for it. Since he hadn’t told me what he wanted, it was left to me to decide. Given the lateness of the hour, I went for hot chocolate for both of us.
Finns muttered “thank you” as I deposited it in front of him, nearly had me smiling. Only Finn could remain so polite while being pissed at me.
For a moment, we sat in silence, neither of us looking at the other. I broke first. “I’m sorry. It’s not like I deliberately kept anything from you, but I admit I could have handled it better.”
Finn leaned forward to wrap his hands around his mug. “I know. There was a moment out there when I thought it might be some sort of twisted revenge, but now I’ve thought about it properly, I know it’s not.”
I frowned. “Revenge?”
“For leaving the way I did,” Finn explained. “You follow me to Paris. You wine and dine me. You stir up old emotions, and then as soon as you’ve got me feeling things I don’t want to be feeling, you leave. You know, tit for tat.”
“I would never—”
“I know,” he said. “It was a passing thought and then I dismissed it.”
At least that explained how quickly he’d gone from angry to disappointed. “I would have slept with you,” I pointed out, “had that been the case.”
Finn locked his gaze onto mine. “Why didn’t you?”
“Because… we jumped into bed at the drop of a hat when we first met, and I wanted to do things differently this time.”
Finn’s nod was slow and considering. “I would have slept with you, you know. Maybe not the first night, but definitely the second.” He smiled, but it was tinged with sadness. “Apparently, it doesn’t take much to get me into bed.”
“I’d like to think that’s more about how sexually compatible we are than you having loose morals.”
Finn dropped his gaze, his fringe falling over his eyes. “It’s probably a bit of both, if I’m honest.”
I waited for him to lift his head back up. “This doesn’t have to be the end. It’s just a…” I cast around for the right words. “It’s an obstacle.”
Finn’s eyebrow arched. “It’s a pretty big one.”
“Only if we let it be. We can talk. Every night. We can video call.”
Finn tapped a rhythm I didn’t recognize on his untouched mug of hot chocolate. “Right.”
“You don’t believe me?”
He heaved out a sigh. “You have a very poor history of communication. And that was when we were in the same city. I believe you think you’ll keep in contact. I even believe that you’ll manage it in the short-term… a few days… Maybe even a week if you try really hard. But it’ll tail off.”
I shook my head vehemently. “It won’t.”
Finn sat back in his chair. “So… just to be clear… You’re suggesting we have a long distance relationship?”
“I guess so.” I took the plunge and reached across the table to cover Finn’s hands with mine, the warmth of the hot chocolate spreading from his to mine. “I’m suggesting whatever keeps you in my life.”
“And what are we to each other, exactly?”
Whatever you want us to be. I didn’t say that. It was too pat, too easy to force the ball back into his court, and he deserved better. “Boyfriends,” I said, making it sound definitive rather than adding the question mark I wanted to add.
Finn’s “hmm” in response wasn’t that promising.
“If asked,” I continued, “I want to say that I have a wonderful boyfriend who currently lives in Paris, and that it’s not the ideal scenario, but that we’re making the best of it until we can work out a solution that works for both of us.”
“And what am I supposed to say?”
I let go of his hands to wrap them around my mug. “That you’re currently shackled to an absolute pain in the arse who doesn’t deserve you, but that we all have our crosses to bear, and that’s yours.”
Finn laughed, the sound giving me hope. “What about if I say a handsome pain in the arse instead?”
“That makes you sound shallow. Like you’ll put up with being treated like shit for a good pair of cheekbones. And we both know that neither of those things is true.”
Finn rolled his eyes. He lifted his mug to his lips and regarded me over the rim while he took a drink. “I must be mad to even consider saying yes to this. But then…” He shook his head wearily. “I was mad to give you the time of day when you turned up out of the blue. I was mad to go on a date with you. And I was mad to spend the weekend with you, so I don’t know why I’m surprised. You even made me dance.”
He said the last bit with such disgust that I couldn’t help but smile. “You enjoyed it.”
His nose wrinkled. “Maybe.”
“Definitely.”
“If you’re leaving tomorrow,” Finn said slowly, “you should come home with me tonight, so that we can say goodbye to each other properly.”
“There is nothing I’d like more,” I said, my voice raw with emotion, “than to strip you out of your clothes and kiss every single inch of bare skin I uncover.” When Finn shifted uncomfortably in his seat, I smiled. “But I haven’t earned that right yet. Something that precious should take more than five days of being on my best behavior.”
“It’s not a test,” Finn said, his expression disgruntled. “And maybe I don’t want to be something precious. Maybe I just want to be held down and fucked. It’s been a while.”
Now we were both horny. “How long?” He didn’t even need to verbalize his answer, his expression bringing a smug smile to my lips. “Really?”
“I’ve been busy! I moved to a new country, started a new job, and I had the flat to sort out.”
I held my hands up in mock defense, still grinning from ear to ear. “You don’t need to make excuses.”
Finn shook his head, his cheeks flaming. “Shut up.”
“If it helps,” I said, “that was the last time for me as well.” I took a swig of hot chocolate. “It’s almost like we were still hung up on each other.”
“Or I was busy.”
“Or you were busy,” I parroted. “ And still hung up on me.” Finn shook his head, but there was no disguising the slight twitch of his lips. I leaned over the table to bring us closer. “I’m gonna be the best damn boyfriend you’ve ever had.”
Finn gave a little laugh. “Words are easy. Backing them up with actions is far harder.”