Fifteen
Avery
My anxiety spikes to an all-time high as I climb the steps to Kaleb’s cabin just past eleven.
The kids have been in bed for a while now, and I took my time decompressing and showering off the dirt and grime from the day’s activities. But all that time to myself has put me more in my head than I was earlier.
I’ve never been much of an overthinker, but something about Kaleb—about this unwarranted attraction to him—is turning me upside down and inside out all at once.
Take right now, for example.
Did he actually mean it when he said I could use the key and just come in? Or was that his way of asking me to come over and drink the beers I’d left in his cabin using that key?
Indecision wars within me for a solid minute as I stand at his door like an imbecile, hands shaking and palms damp with sweat. I’m barely able to make out his form lounging on the bed through the cracks in his blinds, but that brings up a whole new layer of indecision.
If I do use the key, should I at least knock to alert him of my presence—make sure he’s decent?
As if I haven’t seen him in various states of undress while sharing a locker room the past two years?
“Oh, for fuck’s sake. Get a grip, Reynolds,” I mutter under my breath before raising my fist to the door and rapping on the wood. The ten-second wait for him to open the damn thing might as well be a millenia, my nerves are that shot.
“I told you you could’ve just come in,” he says in way of greeting before stepping back, allowing me to enter.
Painfully aware of just how quickly my heart is beating, I take a single step into the cabin and close the door behind me.
“I didn’t know if you were…decent.”
Kaleb arches a brow as he drops back down on his mattress. “You ripped open my shower curtain while I was bare-ass naked like a week ago. There’s little left to the imagination at this point.”
I cough, attempting to cover the sound of me nearly choking on my own spit from the surprise of him bringing up the night of the shower.
“Fair enough,” I manage.
Shit, how could I have forgotten that?
Just the memory of Kaleb’s angry glare and water cascading over his smooth, tanned skin has my cock stirring behind my sweats—which is the last thing I want it to do when I’m about to sit in a confined space with the object of my unfortunate desire.
Two forest-green eyes meet mine, and I swear he knows exactly where my thoughts are lingering. His penetrating stare always seems to see right through me.
“You planning to just stand awkwardly in the doorway the whole night, or are you gonna come in?”
Fuck. Right.
Crossing the room, I take a seat on the edge of his bed. Maybe not the best option, all things considered, but it seemed like a better option than the chair all the way in the other corner.
He’s already reaching over to the small cooler beside his bed, grabbing the six-pack I’d left him and setting it on the mattress between us. Pulling one from the sleeve, he cracks it open and hands it to me before snagging one for himself.
“Did you know this was my favorite, or was it just a lucky guess?” he asks, lifting the bottle in question.
It’s the same beer I’d seen him drink on occasion last season. A few times we’d gone out with some of our teammates to Stagger, for one, but at a few parties on campus too. I wasn’t exactly thinking about those moments when I selected it at the store, but something tells me it wasn’t a totally subconscious choice.
“Uh, I just grabbed the first thing I saw.”
There’s no telling if he buys the half-truth, but he doesn’t say anything. Just lets out a soft hum as he takes a drink, his throat working to swallow the liquid.
Averting my gaze, I take a swig of my own beer, then another.
I’ve never been one to down drinks quickly, but being in a confined space with Kaleb smelling like the forest after it rains has me in desperate need to take the edge off. Adding the fact that we’re both sitting on his bed, barely three feet apart, and I need all the help I can get to relax.
Fortunately, the tension lining my shoulders and neck leave right around the time I finish off my first beer.
Alcohol is a beautiful thing sometimes.
Kaleb also takes some of the pressure off by putting old episodes of Criminal Minds on his laptop as background noise. A fact which is surprising, not because of the choice of show, but that he has the passwords for the Wi-Fi.
Would’ve been nice to know about for the past few weeks.
The two of us settle in with our backs against the cabin wall, the laptop on the edge of his desk and the six-pack positioned in the few feet of space between our legs. Silence blankets us while we watch, and despite it being a comfortable quietness, I can’t fully relax. My senses are heightened from his proximity; his addictive scent and the heat of his body setting me on edge.
So I drink, if only to dull the pull I feel toward him.
My second beer is nearly gone when Kaleb’s voice snags my attention from his laptop screen. “Slow your roll, dude, or you’re gonna be drunk in no time.”
It doesn’t come out judgmental, like I’ve come to expect. Instead, it’s more of a warning, which has me arching a brow at him.
“You can’t be serious.” When he hitches a brow up in return and shrugs, I scoff. “There’s no chance in hell we’re getting lit off three beers apiece, let alone off one or two.”
“There you go again, underestimating the power of elevation change.” A little smirk plays at his lips as he lifts his own beer to hide it. “Need I remind you of that God-awful sunburn you got that first week when you didn’t listen to me?”
I remember it all too well, but there’s not a chance I’ll be admitting it to him. If anything, the need to double-down in opposition flares inside me before I mutter, “And there you go, being a fucking know-it-all again.”
And with that, I finish off the beer in my hand before slipping the empty bottle back in the carton, only to grab another in replacement.
A low, smooth chuckle that slides over me like satin comes from Kaleb, and when I glance over again, he’s shaking his head.
“Suit yourself, Reynolds. But don’t come crying to me when you’re hungover tomorrow.”
“It’s three beers,” I remind him. Cracking the drink open, I toss the cap at his head, but he’s quick to bat it away before it hits its mark. “I’m more likely to be mauled beyond recognition by a mountain lion on my way back to my cabin later than be hungover in the morning.”
He arches a brow, tossing back in a playful lilt, “Is that your way of trying to score an invite to stay the night here? To keep your pretty face safe from the wildlife?”
While the comment was surely a meaningless joke from his tone alone, it instantly has the few feet of space between us feeling like nothing more than centimeters. Because…fuck, there’s part of me that wants to feign fear of the things that go bump in the wilderness if it means staying the night here with him.
How repulsive to think such a thing!
I shake my head—to dislodge the ugly claws sinking into my mind—while my cheeks heat. “You’d probably be the one luring it here in the first place. Setting me up for cougar bait would be an easy way to rid yourself of me.”
His soft laugh floats through the air between us. “You’re proving yourself rather impossible to be rid of, Reynolds. At this point, I’m done trying.”
Having no idea how to respond, I take another pull from my bottle and refocus my attention on the show.
A few minutes pass without us saying a word, the only sound coming from Kaleb’s laptop and the occasional sloshing of beer as we continue drinking. Again, it’s not entirely uncomfortable, but tension still lines my back and shoulders regardless.
My every atom is attuned to him, lying in wait for his next move or breath or—
“This is…”
Swallowing, I glance at him and wait for him to finish the thought. Surely the word weird or awkward is about to spill from his lips, and after all that’s happened, I can’t say I’d blame him for it either.
But then his gaze meets mine, and he offers a shrug.
“I don’t know. It’s…nice, I guess.”
Well, I’ll be fucking damned.
My lips twitch up, hinting at a smile, as I take another sip from my drink. “You say that like we didn’t used to spend time together before now.”
“Maybe,” he murmurs, his eyes locked on mine. “But we both know a lot has changed since we first met freshman year.”
Understatement of the century.
There’s a lot of history between us, and as of late, it hasn’t been good. But since our conversation on the dock, it feels like we’ve begun mending fences. Maybe even rebuilding a friendship. One I hadn’t realized I’d been missing until now.
Then again, how deep of a friendship was it to begin with if we’ve both hidden such integral parts of who we are?
“You didn’t have to keep it a secret, you know,” I find myself saying. When his brows furrow, clearly confused about my statement, I tack on, “That you were gay.”
His expression relaxes and he lets out a soft snort. “For a second you were making it sound like I was keeping a murder spree or drug addiction from you, not my sexuality.”
“Who’s to say you still aren’t?” I volley back, arching a brow. “I don’t know what you do in your free time.”
He lets out an amused laugh, and it causes my stomach to do cartwheels and backflips like a goddamn gymnast. “You caught me. I’m lucky those kids didn’t bring homicide or habitual drug use into the mix during Never Have I Ever, or I’d really be outed for all my secrets.”
The statement comes out so blunt and dry, I can’t help but smile. Something about his phrasing catches in my brain, though, like a fish on a hook. And while I have no room to be asking for details like this from him, the question spills free anyway.
“Are you, though? Out?”
Kaleb shakes his head back and forth, but more in a way of weighing his words than a flat out no . “It’s not something I broadcast to the world, but it’s not really a secret either. My family knows, and yeah, I had that awkward ‘coming out’ moment with my parents in high school. Some people at Foltyn know—”
“But I didn’t,” I cut in immediately.
A statement, not a question.
As I hold his gaze, I realize…fuck, it might even be an accusation.
Kaleb’s expression shutters slightly, almost as if he’s donning a suit of armor before walking into a duel. “I don’t let my sexuality define me, which is exactly why I make no efforts to hide or confirm it. With anyone.”
The words are the truth, no doubt, but his clipped tone gives off more than that. Almost like a bit he’s been rehearsing for whenever I finally decided to bring it up.
Just another layer of protection.
“Except me.” I eye him with equal parts suspicion and curiosity. “You hid it from me, LaMothe. It was written all over your face at the campfire that night. Don’t try denying it now.”
There’s no sign of backing down in his gaze when he utters, “It wasn’t until you started harassing Keene and Aspen that I realized I had something to hide from you in the first place.” He pauses, his gaze holding mine, almost searching before he speaks again. “You remember that night last year when we were all out at Stagger? The one where you were basically harassing Aspen?”
I’m brought back to that night instantly, remembering the taunts and insults I’d thrown at my teammate’s best friend. The memory has shame—an entirely different kind than I’m used to—churning my stomach, and I nod.
Kaleb waits a beat before divulging a truth I never saw coming.
“I was there with a guy that night.”
Shaking my head, I try to make sense of what he’s telling me. Because there’s no way in hell I could’ve missed a detail like that.
“We were out with some of the guys on the team,” I reason.
“In the beginning, yeah. But then the guy I’d been seeing for a few weeks showed up, even if the rest of you didn’t make the connection for yourselves. I sure as hell wasn’t gonna do it for you at that point.” He takes another drink from his bottle before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Before then, though? Before I saw how fucking mean you could be to someone different than you? I never once tried hiding it from you.”
The statement may as well be a blow from his fist, hitting me in the chest hard enough to cause my heart to stumble behind my ribs.
Shame and guilt aren’t new feelings to me. I’ve long since grown used to being buried by them, suffocating silently beneath their weight. But never like this.
Never for something I had control over.
“You’re right, okay?” I mutter, still a little breathless from his revelation. “I know I was a dick, and you had every reason to keep it from me once you saw that side of me. But, Kaleb…we were friends three years before that ever happened.”
His jaw tightens ever so slightly before his gaze finally falls away from mine.
It’s the first time he’s backed down, and I’m not prepared for it. I certainly don’t relish in it. Not now, after we’ve managed to make some headway in repairing all this fucked-up brokeness between us.
Fuck me.
Kaleb’s attention stays locked on the beer, and he looks like there’s something he wants to say. I can see him willing the thoughts to remain inside, fighting tooth and nail to pull them back from the tip of his tongue before they dare spill free.
In the end, his battle of wills is a losing one.
“Because I was afraid of you looking at me differently.”
For as much as I was craving his answer, part of me wishes I never heard it. Because, the truth is, I would have looked at him differently. There’s a damn good chance I would’ve treated him exactly how I did Aspen and Keene last year.
Maybe even worse.
He was right to keep it from me back then. Hell, he was right to keep it from me until his brothers all but forced the information out of him, leaving him with no other option.
But admitting this? It is his choice. His decision to take a risk in shedding a piece of his armor. Even if it’s just one, it’s enough to expose him. Make him as vulnerable to me as I was with him on the dock.
“I’m sorry.”
The words leave my lips before I realize it, and they instantly have Kaleb’s gaze lifting to mine. He studies me, a pensive expression on his face, and for what might be the first time since I arrived at camp, I catch his eyes softening around the edges.
“I don’t…” He lets out a breathy laugh, shaking his head. “Never have I ever heard those words leave your mouth.”
His statement immediately has me holding up a palm. “Oh, no. We’re not playing that game again.”
He chuckles. “Why not? Afraid of some skeletons to come creeping outta your closet this time?”
From the playful lilt in his voice and grin tugging at his lips, he’s perfectly aware of his word choice. Probably did it intentionally, if I had to bet money on it.
But despite the light, jesting tone, a darker side of the joke slices me straight to the bone.
“There’s nothing in my closet left to hide,” I mumble, focused on my now-empty beer. “I’m fucking sick of hiding it as it is.”
He doesn’t miss a beat before asking, “Is that why you kissed me? So you couldn’t hide anymore?”
I release a long sigh, which turns into a bit of a groan.
I’ve been both waiting for and dreading this question. Probably because the answer is just as convoluted as my feelings about my sexuality; a tangled web of fear, loathing, and desire I can’t even make sense of, let alone explain to someone else.
“I don’t know,” I whisper slowly, measuring my words. “Until that night with the whole campfire game, you being anything other than straight never crossed my mind. Even if it had, I’d never allowed myself to even think of any guy like that. Not when it felt so unattainable.” I lift my gaze back to his and shrug. “But then the truth came out, and you were right there, and I just…couldn’t stop myself.”
His lips lift in the ghost of a smile. “Sounds like we’ve gotta work on your self-control.”
“Yeah, well, I wasn’t exactly planning to lust after the one guy I can’t fucking stand.”
Whoa, where the fuck did that come from?
Apparently the alcohol, while not enough to get me drunk, has loosened my lips enough to let my inside thoughts slip out. Because that most definitely was not something sober me would have said.
Or maybe Kaleb is right, and the elevation is making it hit me harder than expected.
Kaleb seems to take it in stride, though, because he smirks, and he raises his bottle toward me in mock cheers. “Can’t stand, huh? And here I thought we were on our way to friends again.”
Despite his playful tone, I’m hit with a wave of unease and start picking at the paper wrapping around the beer bottle, and mutter out a gruff, “Only just.”
And with the way my mouth is going, we’re sure to head right back to enemy territory.
Continuing my task, I peel the paper off until it’s bare glass, and shove the remnants of the label through the neck. Only once I’ve finished the task do I lift my gaze, landing first on the bow of his lips, framed by his dark scruff, before reaching his eyes.
“Attraction is a strange thing,” he whispers, all low and husky. “I’d be a fucking liar if I said I wasn’t attracted to you.”
The words hang in the air between us, leaving me speechless.
I’d have to be blind and stupid not to realize the tension between the two of us has changed ever since I kissed him. Granted, it caused a lot of animosity to kick up a notch for a hot minute. But since making an effort to truly mend fences, a lot of the tension has shifted in nature, becoming a strange sort of simmering that feels eerily similar to…butterflies.
They rip though my stomach in a flurry whenever our eyes lock. Or when we’re close enough that I can feel the heat of his body radiating toward mine, they turn into a swarm so violent, sometimes I think I might take flight myself.
Kaleb swallows roughly before glancing away, effectively breaking the moment.
I’m surprised to find myself…disappointed by it, but I know he probably did us both a favor. We’re currently skating on thin ice as it is. One wrong move, and we both risk it cracking beneath our feet. Or worse, falling beneath the surface with no way out.
Self-preservation tells me I should flee for solid ground, for safety and security, rather than diving headfirst into whatever Kaleb has begun stirring up inside me.
Because, his acceptance and forgiveness aside, I’m still conflicted.
About how I feel. Who I am.
And…who I want.
It’s revolting!
Shame’s voice scratches against the inside of my skull, and my eyes sink closed. As if removing the object of my desire from view is enough to stop it from screaming at me.
Kaleb clears his throat. “If that was too much—”
Eyes still closed, I shake my head, the back of it rolling against the wooden cabin wall.
“Don’t apologize. Not when you were right,” I mutter.
The second part wasn’t meant to be said aloud, and definitely not for his ears, but it’s too late to take it back now. Especially when he softly asks, “About what?”
Steeling myself, I blink my eyes open and find his gaze fixed on me. His attention has my mouth feeling drier than the Sahara, and I wet my lips subconsciously.
“That I’d be back, begging for more. And I hate that you were right.”
The words leave my lips in a harsh whisper, tasting acidic on my tongue. More vile insults are hurled through my mind, serving as a reminder that my desire for him, or any other guy, will likely never be truly set free.
Not when I’m defenseless against the claws ripping me apart inside my mind.
After a revelation like the one I just let slip, there’s not much else to say on my end. Kaleb makes no effort to break the silence lingering between us either, and truthfully, I’m not expecting him to. Just like I’m not expecting him to return the senti—
“I was only half right,” he murmurs, breaking through my thoughts.
My brows crash together. “How?”
“Because I also told you there wouldn’t be a repeat.”
His eyes are as dark as the evergreens surrounding the camp now as they bore into mine, and with the glow of the lamplight reflecting off their glassy surface, it looks like a forest on fire.
Or maybe it’s the heat in his stare as it darts down to my lips that is scorching.
I wet them again on instinct, and his eyes tracking the movement sends another ripple of lust barreling down my spine.
My mind races, torn between ripping myself free from this moment and letting myself sink into it, even if it can only be that—a moment.
“So we’re both going back on our word, huh?”
“Looks like it,” he rasps, his voice all gravel and shattered glass.
And then he closes the gap between our lips entirely.