Never Will I Ever

Twenty-One

Avery

We’re quick to get settled in for the night, extinguishing the few embers still glowing from our fire earlier before slipping into our tent. My heart hammers against my ribs while Kaleb zips us in, a mixture of anticipation and nerves melding together to create knots in my stomach.

The only light comes from the lantern in the corner, which he’s smart enough to keep on while we get ready for bed. It casts a warm glow over the inside of the tent, creating shadows that dance against the walls as the breeze hits them.

My eyes catch on Kaleb’s body as he changes into a pair of sweats and a long-sleeve shirt for bed. The lean curves of his arms and shoulders appear even more golden in this lighting, and when his hip bones appear, popping against his waistband, something in my brain short circuits.

Oh, hell.

The way I crave him is disgusting, but not in the way I’ve been accustomed to feeling. It’s almost…gluttonous. With a desperation that’s downright embarrassing.

My only saving grace is catching him eyeing me with the same amount of desire.

Glancing away, I notice the liberties Kaleb took during setup tonight. Unlike the last time we’d shared this tent, he unzipped both of our sleeping bags and layered them on top of each other over the thin air pads, creating a makeshift bed for us instead. And I can’t help my stupid smile as I slide between them.

I never thought I’d enjoy spending the night on the hard ground outside, but once Kaleb is tucked in beside me, I realize I’d be hard pressed to complain about sleeping in a prison cell. Having him here makes none of the details matter.

Rolling to my side, I drape an arm over his waist and nudge my forehead into the crook of his neck. He tightens an arm around me, his fingers lightly teasing the skin over my hip where my shirt has ridden up, and it’s his light touch—barely a caress—that has my body reeling with desire all over again.

“Kaleb,” I whisper.

“Yeah?”

Swallowing hard, I test the words on my tongue. “I want…”

Fuck.

Why is it so hard for me to say it? To push past this final fucking obstacle? To break free of the chains that have dragged me into the pits of self-loathing for far too long? To no longer be held captive by fear, imprisoned in a cage of my own making?

Just fucking say it.

I.

Want.

You.

Kaleb turns his head and presses a kiss to the top of my head. “What do you want, Aves?”

His voice is soft and gentle, floating over me like a summer breeze, and I ache for it to be whispered against my skin instead. For his breath to send shivers down my spine. For his touch to bring me to the brink of ecstasy and then shove me over the edge.

I want you.

Knowing how to say it better with my body, I turn into him more and press a kiss against his neck. I don’t stop there, though, and I trace my lips up the column of his throat before nipping at the space below his ear. A shiver has his body vibrating beneath mine, and his fingers tighten on my waist.

“Jesus,” he hisses, the words coming out all breathy.

Already feeling more confident, I grin against his skin before rocking my hips into him. My cock is already hard as granite, and when my hand strays toward his groin, I find his has also joined the action. I rub the heel of my palm over his length, stroking him over his sweats until he’s arching for more friction.

“Kaleb.”

His name leaves my lips in a whisper, but what comes next is nothing short of a plea.

“I want you.”

He moans softly before rolling me to my back and sealing his lips to mine in a searing kiss; one we only break to strip each other down to nothing before coming back together again. His bare skin over mine sets me on fire, and it quickly becomes a raging inferno when he wraps his hand around me. The heat of his palm on my shaft has me arching into his touch instantly, both need and anticipation building inside me.

Kaleb strokes me a few times—long, slow pulls over my cock that are surely meant to torment me to no end—while I helplessly allow him to explore my mouth.

And that’s what I am.

Helpless, and at the mercy of his every touch.

“You want me, hmm?” he whispers against my lips before taking the bottom one between his teeth.

Fuck, yes, my brain immediately screams. My mouth, on the other hand, can’t seem to form the words, let alone speak them. So all I do is nod, my nose brushing his with the movement.

“How do you want me? Hand wrapped around you, stroking until you come? Or would you rather it be around both of us?” Lust and seduction drip from his words as his mouth moves from my lips to my jaw. He kisses and nips against my skin until he reaches my ear, his hot breath sending shivers rushing down my spine like an electric current as he continues, “Or maybe you want my mouth instead, licking and sucking until you spill down my throat.”

Jesus Christ.

If there’s one thing I can admit, it’s that this version of Kaleb is my favorite. The confident aggressor in bed paired with the cool, reserved demeanor he normally carries is a juxtaposition equally intriguing as it is intoxicating. And I’ll be damned if the vivid pictures this side of him paints in my brain aren’t every kind of alluring.

I just don’t know which one to choose. Or if I’d rather paint one of my own.

“What do you want, baby?” he asks again, voice raspy and demanding.

His palm gathers the pre-cum leaking from my tip and spreads it down my shaft in a way that feels so fucking good, I can’t be responsible for the words that leave my lips next.

“I want you to fuck me.”

Kaleb pauses, pulling back to look me in the eye. “What’d you just say?”

I didn’t entirely mean to say it aloud—at least, not yet—but now that it’s out in the open, the idea feels even more right than it did in my head.

This… us… feels…

Abhorrent!

Slamming the gate on Shame’s voice, I replace it with my own.

Right.

This feels right.

“You heard me.” I offer him a soft smile and curl my fingers around his neck. The butterflies in my stomach are a fluttering storm as his green irises stare straight through to my soul. “Don’t make me say it again.”

A pained expression etches his features, pulling back his lips in a grimace while he shakes his head. “If you can’t even say it again, then I clearly shouldn’t do it.”

As if that’s supposed to deter me?

“I wanna feel you inside me,” I whisper immediately.

Shame screams inside my mind, curling its talons around the bars it’s trapped behind, screeching for me to listen.

But I don’t.

I lock it away instead, choosing to focus on right here. Right now.

On just how right this is.

“Aves…”

My fingers scrape against his scalp as I roll my hips up into his, allowing my still-aching dick to slide through his palm. “I wanna feel every inch of your perfect dick sliding in and out of me until I can’t think straight.”

I’m not above begging for it at this point.

Tension lines his jaw, but his nostrils flare with lust. “You don’t know what you’re asking.”

“I’m asking for you to fuck me.”

A strangled sound leaves him, and he lets out a sharp laugh. “I don’t have lube, let alone condoms, so—”

Without waiting for him to finish, I roll to my side and reach for my bag, quickly producing the bottle of lube I’d snatched from his cabin this afternoon. Grabbing it was a whim more than anything, but just to be prepared on the off-chance things might progress to this.

And here we are.

Kaleb’s face remains impassive as he takes the bottle I hold out for him, only to stare down at it like it’s a gift from a foreign planet. His Adam’s apple bobs when he swallows before setting it to the side, and it’s only when he meets my gaze again that I see the wariness in his dark irises.

A knot forms in my throat, clogging my airway.

Shit, shit, shit.

“Did I do something wrong?” I manage to ask after an eternity of silence passes.

“I—” He lets out a soft, nervous laugh. “Are you sure?”

No, I’m not. Not entirely. But not for the reasons he’s likely thinking.

I’m not afraid of having sex with a guy, or how I may feel about myself afterward. I’m long past the point where I can deny this is who I really am anymore. Hiding from this part of myself was never gonna be a tenable option anyway.

But what I’m fucking terrified of…is the way Kaleb is making me feel.

My teeth scrape over my bottom lip, and I nod. “Yeah. I’m sure.”

“Condom?”

“I’m okay without one,” I murmur, knowing I’d rather feel him without anything between us. “As long as you are too.”

There’s a beat of silence before more excuses start. “Have we done enough prepping, though? I mean, I don’t want to—”

“I’m ready,” I cut in.

He knows I’m ready too; he’s been the one working me open with his fingers over the past few weeks, after all. But like me, he’s scared.

The only difference is, I’m not willing to let the fear stop me anymore.

“You’re the only thing stopping us,” I whisper.

At this point, I fully expect him to shut it down. To say no, not yet, and give more reasons why we should wait. So when he picks up the bottle of lube again and pops the cap, my throat constricts around a ball of emotions.

His eyes stay locked on mine as he spreads lube over his fingers, coating them with the liquid.

“If it’s too much at any point—”

“I’ll tell you,” I finish for him.

Tension radiates off him as he slips his hands between us, the lube-covered fingers finding my crease. He swirls them around and presses them against my rim, massaging the muscle before slowly sinking them inside. A low moan rips from my chest at the burn of them breaching me, but it’s a feeling I’ve grown accustomed to. One I’ve started to crave, knowing how quickly it morphs into pleasure.

My heart hammers against my ribs, sending my pulse into overdrive as his deft fingers fuck me with long, tortured strokes. And like I knew it would, the pain subsides, and I start pressing back against his fingers. Seeking more pleasure until a needy frenzy takes over, leaving me panting and quaking beneath him.

“Kaleb, please. I’m ready.”

I’m not above begging right now.

I’d do just about anything to have him inside me.

His nostrils flare as he pulls from my body and grabs the lube again. I watch, enraptured, as he douses his cock and spreads the cool liquid down his shaft in a few slow strokes. My desire kicks up another notch when he slowly lowers himself over me, resting his weight on one elbow to align himself. The head of his cock nudges against my hole, sending a bolt of lust and anticipation straight up my spine, but just when I think he’s going to finally press inside, his entire body stills.

“What’s wrong?”

A few silent seconds tick by before his forehead drops to mine, and I swear, I can feel him trembling against me; shaking as he struggles with whatever is happening inside his mind.

“Don’t make me regret this,” he utters, barely audible even in the stark silence.

My forehead rolls against his when I shake my head. “Never will I ever.”

Taking the words at face value, his hand slides into my hair and he crashes my lips to his. They’re soft as they move against mine, and I cup his jaw to run my fingers through the short beard I’m thoroughly obsessed with.

Then his hips move forward with a gentle thrust, the head of his cock sliding past my rim a few inches, finally giving me what I want. And if I was on fire before, I’m standing on the surface of the sun now. Burning alive, engulfed in heat and flames. The throbbing pain intensifies as he pulls back and presses in more, still barely penetrating me, and my hand moves to the back of his neck to hold on for dear life.

“Oh, fucking hell,” I moan, eyes sinking closed.

From the tension I feel beneath my palm, he’s doing his best to keep it together himself. But instead of thrusting in deeper, taking care for only his pleasure, he snakes a hand down and grips my cock. The lube still on his fingers makes it easy for his hand to glide up and down my shaft.

“Tell me what you need, baby,” he murmurs, fist moving in long, slow pumps over my length. “I want you to feel good. As good as I do with my cock inside you.”

My dick throbs in tandem with my ass, and it doesn’t take long for his ministrations to shift my focus from pain to pleasure.

“Keep doing that,” I pant, my head, falling back against the sleeping bag. “It helps.”

He hums softly, his hand moving a bit faster now. His lips find my collarbone, raining down kisses against my skin until I start relaxing beneath him. It’s only when I begin sighing and panting, the pain a distant memory, that he fully surrenders to his own desire.

Pulling back his hips, he gives another tentative thrust forward, allowing his cock to slide in deeper than before. Another wave of fire lights up my body as he slowly pumps his hips again and again, all the while murmuring praises against my skin.

You’re doing great, baby.

We’re halfway there.

Just relax and let me in.

Every bit of encouragement, paired with the way he strokes me while kissing my neck, dulls the sting while he slowly works himself deeper. To my surprise, any burn I was feeling is completely gone by the time his pelvis presses against my ass, seating himself fully inside me.

It’s been replaced by a wanting ache. A bone-deep need that only he can fulfill.

“Holy shit,” I exhale, tension coiling in my stomach.

My fingers find Kaleb’s hair, sifting through the dark strands while he trails kisses along my jaw. The scratch of his beard over my heated flesh sends shivers down my spine, and he must notice, because he continues carving the path until he reaches the corner of my mouth.

“Okay?” he whispers, and I can feel his smile brushing against my lips.

I nod, groaning as he slides in again, burying himself to the hilt. “God, yes. Keep going.”

A soft chuckle leaves him, but he follows my request and starts rolling his hips quicker before sealing his mouth to mine. His tongue seeks entry, which I happily provide, allowing it to flick and roll against my own in time with his thrusts.

I feel him everywhere, all my senses immersed in him.

Lost in pain, in pleasure, in the blissful freedom consuming me.

Breaking the kiss, my eyes squeezing shut as my head rolls back against the mattress. “Fuck, that feels…good.”

Kaleb hums in agreement, his mouth on my throat again before nipping at the juncture of my neck and shoulder. The sharp bite of pain is quickly soothed by his tongue as his hips quicken his smooth, steady rhythm.

His hand picks up the pace too, jacking my length with hard, fast movements that I can’t get enough of. I’m arching up into his touch for more, seeking more friction as his hips roll into my body. Every move I make inches me closer to where I wanna be, but it’s still not enough.

I want more. I want fucking everything.

My hips move of their own accord, not just pumping my cock into his waiting palm but also sinking back on his length, impaling myself with it. I’m meeting him thrust for thrust now, chasing what I want just as much as taking what he’s giving me.

“That’s it. Take what you need,” he rasps, “God, you feel fucking amazing. So tight wrapped around my cock.”

Jesus Christ.

Every word that leaves his lips drives me a little more mad with want, the lust reaching an all-consuming level. Release builds at the base of my spine, curls and knots my stomach with tension that’s sure to snap at a moment’s notice. He must feel it too, because his rhythm starts to falter, becoming more rushed and irregular as he pistons his hips forward.

“Come for me, Aves,” he pants. My eyes open, finding that his own have become two burning forests as he plunges his cock harder inside me. “Let me feel you clench around me.”

Leaning back and straightening his spine, he becomes downright frenzied. The new position allows him to slide impossibly deeper with every thrust, but it also has the head of his cock hitting a new spot inside me. One that lights me up like the billboards in Times Square and tasting color when he drags a long, low moan from me.

A tingling sensation starts tapping on my nerve endings, spreading through my body like a wildfire with every swipe the head makes over my prostate, and I’m right there. I’m so fucking close, ready to plunge into ecstasy at any moment, that I don’t know how I’m still hanging on.

“Kaleb,” I moan, clawing at his arms in desperation. “God, please. I…I—”

The words die on my lips, pleasure sinking in so deep, I can’t speak. Can’t form a coherent thought that isn’t release.

My gaze meets his, finding him staring down at me—into the darkest depths of my soul—and for the first time, I’m not afraid of what he sees lingering in the shadows. Not when he’s the one who’s shown me how to let in the light.

“I know, baby. I’ve got you.”

That’s all it takes for me to fall apart, Kaleb’s name on my lips.

Release slams into me like a wrecking ball, dragging a groan from deep within my chest. Kaleb keeps pistoning inside me while he works me through my climax, stroking rapidly until I’m sticky and covered in my own cum. It’s only when I’m empty and breathless, heart ready to burst from my chest, that he chases his own release.

I’m hyper-sensitive, every nerve ending inside me shot from pleasure, and pulsing around his length when he grabs my waist. Dragging me closer, he starts impaling me with his cock over and over. Fucking into me with reckless abandon. Using me for his pleasure.

The tendons in his neck tighten, his breathing coming in short staccato spurts when he mutters, “Where should I—”

“My chest,” I answer immediately, still trying to catch my breath.

He pulls out of me in an instant, wrapping his palm around his shaft, and strokes himself over the edge. Soft curses fall from his lips as cum spills from him and lands on my skin, coating me with the liquid and mixing with my own release.

After he’s worked himself dry, he sinks back on his heel, chest heaving with effort as he stares down at me. Neither of us say anything for a moment, a thousand unspoken words passing through our locked gazes.

He’s the first to break away, grabbing the shirt he was wearing today before starting to clear away the evidence of our release from my stomach. I wrap my hand around his wrist, feeling more vulnerable by him doing this than I did with him inside me.

“I can—”

“I’ve got it,” he whispers, meeting my gaze.

The simple reply instantly reminds of something he said earlier; a similar sentiment that now has my stomach fluttering.

I’ve got you.

My teeth sink into my lower lip and I release his wrist, allowing him to return to his task. He cleans the cum from my skin before gently wiping the lube from my crease, and the intimacy of this act has me in fucking knots.

Once he’s done, he tosses it to the side and we both silently slip back into our underwear, then back between the sleeping bags for the night.

I’m not sure what the protocol is here. Despite all the evenings we’ve hooked up, we’ve never actually spent one sleeping together. The only time we’ve even slept in vicinity of each other was our one other tent experience, but after letting him fuck me for the first time, I really hope we won’t be reliving that particular night.

Thankfully, Kaleb makes the decision for both of us when he drapes an arm over my waist and pulls me toward him, not stopping until my back is molded to his chest. I try not to notice how perfectly our bodies fit together like this, but it’s impossible. It feels like I was made to be right here, wrapped in his embrace.

I was right about one thing I told him earlier: I’ve never felt safety like this.

Kaleb’s nose nuzzles against the spot between my shoulder blades and then presses a kiss there before whispering against my skin, “Are you okay?”

“Never better,” I murmur back, noting just how true it is.

For now, at least.

After what we just did—the line we just crossed—there’s no chance I won’t be dragged through the pits of hell by my subconscious. So I wait for the shame spiral to swirl inside my head, ripping apart the moment and casting it in an abhorrent light.

But as Kaleb’s breathing evens out behind me, his soft breaths puffing against the back of my neck, I’m shocked to find…it doesn’t.

It never comes.