No Matter What You Do

15. I Gotta Go

Cameron takes a key and slides it down the side of his beer can. “This is where the air pocket is and you just—” He stabs the can with the key and uses his fingers to widen the hole. “—then you just open it and down it. Wanna try?”

“I’d rather watch you.”

“Oh, all right.” He winks.

“No, shut up. Just go.”

He grins then brings the can to his lips, opens the can, tilts his head back, and starts drinking in deep gulps until it’s empty. I’m fixated on his throat as he chugs the whole thing in six seconds. Some of it runs down his neck, but ninety-nine percent makes his mouth. When he’s done, he lets the empty can fall onto the ground. He coughs, pats his chest, then pats my back. “Easy peasy, right?”

“Until I choke to death like you almost did.”

“Shut up.” He chuckles as he hands me my unopened can, still cold. He sets it up for me and everything. All I have to do is pop open the tab and chug, but I give him a last glance. “I believe in you,” he says.

I can’t do this. I shouldn’t. If my mother was aware I was even contemplating this, she would kill me. That might be exactly why I should do it.

Four cans later, I find it harder to stand up straight. Cameron, being buzzed himself, guides me to Julian’s living room couch. Perfect timing because more people have migrated outside, and it’s less crowded inside. We both sit, but I can’t stay still.

“My mom would hate this,” I blurt. “Drinking, parties, boys. Screw her though, it’s funnnnnn.”

Cameron laughs.

“She’s such a hypocrite. No sex for me, but she’s an addict! Crazy lady.”

“What are you talking about?” He leans his head on the back of the couch and rolls it in my direction.

I shouldn’t elaborate, but the words spew out of me. “Sex-crazy mom divorces hardworking dad.” Why the heck does that sound like a newspaper headline? Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Sex-Crazy Mom Divorces Hardworking Dad! Hehehehe funny.

Cameron blinks slowly, hiccups. “Screw her.”

It may be because I’m tipsy, but those are two of the most beautiful words I have ever heard. Without thought, I throw myself on top of him and kiss him hard on the mouth. He reacts immediately and slides a hand to my hair. I feel the more I do this the better I’m getting. Yay! His tongue enters my mouth, and he moves me so I’m lying down under him. He presses his body into mine. When he slowly grinds against my front, I completely forget we’re in a public space. I pull away and press my lips to his neck. He hums as I kiss him there. Again and again and again.

I wake up on Julian’s fancy white couch. People surround me in every direction. Cameron is to my left, sleeping with a hickey on the right side of his neck. A hickey?! I turn to where his arm is draped around my shoulder. I find my phone and check the time. I was out for forty-five minutes. I guess passing out at parties is quite normal, seeing as no one has come to check up?—

“Lainey?” Mikey stops in his tracks when he notices me. His eyes flick to Cameron.

I rub my eyes to get rid of the sleep in them and look back to the cute guy in front of me.

“Are you okay?” he asks when I say nothing.

Something is telling me I was going to do something with Mikey. Oh, I remember.

“Yeah. Just exhausted. A drink?”

Mikey scratches his head. “Uh, sure. I also get the feeling you need a snack.”

I take a look at my face in the black mirror that is my phone. I use my hands to fix my disheveled hair, and I wipe under my eyes. Cameron’s arm falls to his side when I get up to follow Mikey to the kitchen. So. Many. People.

He hands me a can of hard seltzer. Eight percent alcohol. Damn. If I knew better, I’d say he was trying to get me drunk, but I don’t. I down the drink and munch on some chips. Some boy with a vape pen in his mouth bangs into my shoulder.

“Hey,” I say loudly. He whips around to see me. It becomes very clear that he’s already high. His eyes are bloodshot.

He pulls the pen from his mouth, and as he speaks, the cotton candy scented smoke comes out of his mouth like a cloud. “Oh, sorry. I—I thought this was mine, bro,” he says, looking above me, following his words is a long, drug-induced laugh. He sticks the vape between my lips and walks off in a daze.

I wipe my mouth, and I spit the vape pen out onto the floor. Is that something people do here?

I shake that interaction off, which is not good for my crazy eyes. When you’re sober and you look around, everything is still, but when you’re under the influence, it’s spinning, which I guess causes the whole balance problem. I’d be on the floor if I wasn’t gripping onto the kitchen island for dear life.

I have never noticed just how much Mikey looks like a silky, soft Dylan O’Brien. Just add a pair of glasses and bam!

Dylan O’Brien stands in front of me. He’s cute and sweet. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if he took my virginity. It would just be once, then everything else is for Cameron. Brandy was smart for suggesting it. I can see clearly now with some liquid courage inside me. I can do this. It is finally time to see what all the sex fuss is about. Time to have a normal human experience. I hope he has condoms. What am I saying? He’s a dude. Of course he does.

“Dyl—Mikey,” I say, grabbing his arm resting on the island.

“Yes, Lainey.” What a gentle voice.

Before I can second-guess myself, I smash my lips against Mikey’s. They hesitate before kissing me back. It’s nice, but there are no sparks. It’s not like when I do it with Cameron. My brain shouts at me to get this over with, and it’s way too loud to ignore. So, when we break apart, I ask him rather bluntly, “Do you wanna have sex with me upstairs?”

There is a moment I think he is about to deny me, but there’s a twinkle in his eye and a pull at his lips. “Yes.”

In a desperate need to lose my virginity, I drag him behind me as I take the stairs two at a time. Mikey’s laughter echoes in my ears. I’m a bit dizzy when I reach the top, and Mikey hugs me from behind. It’s a new feeling but not a terrible one. “There’s no rush,” he says softly.

I lean into him for a moment, and suddenly I’m craving cherries. I turn in his embrace and touch my nose against his neck. He smells just like cherries! I poke my tongue out and take a tiny lick to see if he tastes like them too. No. But in an instant his hardness presses against me. I back away, and he leans into me.

“No more kisses. Just take me,” I blurt.

He blushes and leads me to an empty bedroom. One I assume to be Julian’s parents’ because it is gigantic and to my right is a king-size bed. It’s boring-looking, I won’t lie. Both the pillows and the duvet cover are beige. Directly above is a crystal chandelier with ten to fifteen little bulbs lighting it up. I also note the bathroom. This room has a bathroom! How amazing is that?

“So amazing,” Mikey drawls. I guess I said that last part out loud.

He tries to kiss me again, but I lift the sheets of the bed that isn’t mine and slide in. My skin chills when it makes contact with the silk fabric. Silk! Mikey does not hesitate to take his clothes off. He’s got a nice body. But he’s not buff. I giggle at the trail of hair that leads below his boxers. I whip my clothes off and get cozy under the covers.

“We’re going to do this?” he asks me, sounding unsure of himself.

I’m grateful for the alcohol in my system making this decision so easy. “Yes. Please hurry up.”

Mikey beams at me. Then he removes his boxers, resulting in a gasp from me. That gives him the confidence he needs to join me on the bed.

“Condom,” I remind him. His face pales, and I hope to God this doesn’t get awkward because as much as I want to lose my virginity, I am not having unprotected sex!

Mikey checks the nightstand and sighs in relief. He tears the condom he found with his teeth. Anticipation rises in me, and my cheeks grow so hot I’m sure they’re a bright red.

“That going to fit?” I ask.

He takes my concern as a flirtation and winks. As if I’m insinuating his dick is bigger than that of Julian’s fully-grown father. Quite the opposite. He situates himself under the sheets and pokes me in the crotch with his hardness. “Sorry,” he says. “I’m just trying to figure out the best way to do this.”

My heart thuds in my chest. “Don’t do that. Don’t think about it. Just do it. You’ve done it before, right?”

He looks directly into my eyes. “Yes. But not with someone who I’ll be completely embarrassed in front of if it sucks. I like you, Lainey and?—”

I grab the back of his neck and bring his mouth to mine. I cannot have him saying things that will make me regret this. I shut my eyes and smile when Cameron’s face pops up in my mind’s eye.

Mikey breaks away and presses his cheek to mine. He gives me no warning of if or when he’ll— HOLY CRAP! Horrific pain fills my center, and I cry out loudly.

“I’m sorry,” he says, taking some of his weight off me. “I don’t mean to hurt you.”

I squeeze my eyes tighter as if that will dissolve the pain. “Don’t apologize.” My voice is so unlike my own, I question if there’s anyone else in the room who could have said it. So forced. So guttural. I dig my nails into his back and prepare myself. “Keep going.”

He obeys, and after a few seconds the pain settles from a solid eleven out of ten to a five, but the feeling is so foreign I can’t bring myself to relax. Mikey, on the other hand, is having a great time. His thrusts quicken, and his moans come out more often and get louder. His pleasure is my pain, and my grip on his back grows borderline vicious. I’m sure I’m drawing blood. I haven’t cut my nails in a while. He seems not to be bothered by that, though. Moan after moan. Thrust after thrust until I hold my breath and steady him through his climax.

“Lainey! Lainey, you’re so good for me!” he says. He pulls out before he’s finished and knocks his forehead into mine. Ow. He is still, and I feel a strange warmth on my inner thighs. “Shit.”

When he lifts himself off me and rolls to the side, I am too stunned to speak. I look under the sheets and suppress my disgust.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. “The condom was too big. And was pre-lubed. It was hard to keep it on. I had to pull out and take it off.” Hence his essence on my legs.

I want to run. I want to hide, however my limbs have turned into stone, so I stare up at the ceiling and the extravagant chandelier that hangs there. I watch closely at one of the tiny lights as it flickers.

Focus on that light and not how sick you feel right now.

I have no idea what I thought sex was, but no one told me it would be that painful, that awkward, and that short. I’m not sure I even finished. If I had, I would have been filled with mind-numbing pleasure and not instant regret.

Next to me, Mikey lies catching his breath. He has no idea of my terrible thoughts. How grossed out I am by the mess he left on me. I feel dirty. And sad. And guilty.

“Excuse me,” I say softly. I pick up my clothing then slip into the connected bathroom and pee right away. I give myself a whore’s bath and quietly return to the bedroom.

Mikey sits up. “You all right?”

I swallow back some bile—yum—and nod. “Past my bedtime,” I lie. “I’m sorry.” I walk through the door and rush to find Brandy. I hear Mikey ask “for what?” but I keep walking.

I push by people on a mission, bumping shoulders, shoving, all of it. I find Brandy in the yard, under a beer funnel. I grab her arm and aggressively pull her away. She stumbles behind me and wipes her mouth.

“We need to leave.”

She rakes a hand through her short hair. “Can’t. I’m having fun. We’re staying.”

Panic runs through my veins. “Please. I just did something I regret. I need to go.”

“Then go!”

I stare at her. She’s drunk. Her cheeks are red hot, and even her perspiration smells like beer.

“I just had sex with Mikey.”

Her eyes widen, and she cups her hands around her mouth. “Wooooooooo!”

“Only because you and David were doing it too. It was terrible. It was the wrong person, and I was a terrible one.”

Brandy frowns and cocks her head like a confused puppy. “David and I had sex?”

“Didn’t you?” Don’t play with me, Brandy.

“Uhm. Not that I know of.”

“Brandy, you told me you were.” I swear to all that is good and holy. I will drop-kick you.

Realization hits her. “Ooooooooh. No. We didn’t.”

I can feel my eye twitching and not from the alcohol. “You told me! You talked me into this because I thought you were doing it.” I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

“Sorry, girl, I chickened out last minute. If you wanna go home, you can leave with Cam.”

Anger replaces the panic in my veins. “You’re a sucky buddy,” I tell her, feeling abandoned.

The part of me that would feel bad leaving has dissolved. Cameron was a better buddy than her today, anyway. I storm into the house and order a car service. And what I plan to do when I get back to school is scream into my pillow and fall asleep.

She should have fucked my brother.