32. Family Dinner
Valentine’s Day. A day I should be spending with Cameron, though we have not hung out since he broke up with me. That’s what it was. There are no breaks in relationships. There is one or there isn’t. The last thing I was expecting was for it to last this long. Are we broken up? Should I abandon the hope that he’ll come back and understand all my stupid decisions? Can he forgive me?
I let myself accept the truth. Cameron is done with me. This was the final straw. The one that broke the camel’s back. The volcanic eruption that blew Hawaii to smithereens. Wow, dark. Chill. Sorry, Hawaii.
Anyway, on this day, I spend the evening in an uber-fancy restaurant with my brother, Mom, and the infamous Jeremy. Despite the lack of decent company, I still tossed on a nice navy knee-length dress and flats. It’s a nice change from the sweatpants and pajamas I’ve been living in for the past weeks. I have even been showing up to classes looking like I just fell out of bed. Mourning the love of your life will do that to you.
We sit at a circular booth with five table settings. Weird. I secure a spot next to David on the edge of one of the sides for easy escape if this goes south. The hostess hands us each a menu, and even the extra plate gets one.
“Who is the other set for?” I ask.
My mother looks up from her phone and shrugs. Her eyes flick to the front of the restaurant. I copy her, but it takes me a second to spot anything out of the ordinary. When I do, I bolt up from my seat, my heart rate escalating severely. There he is. Standing by the hostess, probably asking where his ex-wife and children are seated. Almost as if he feels my gaze, he turns, and we make eye contact. He beams at me. He’s here. My dad is here. And he’s walking up to us.
I grow impatient. I run to him and throw my arms around his neck. He holds me tight. “Oh, my girl. I’ve missed you so much.”
Are those tears in my eyes? Pull it together, Lainey.
“I miss you too.” I note how the present tense comes out of my mouth.
I have to pull myself away so David can take my place, but now I feel a smile plastered to my face. The odds of this dinner ending well are eighty to twenty. Eighty being the likelihood of me walking out, wanting to jump into the nearest ocean.
Shit gets real once our hot waiter brings us our meals. David sits up higher in his seat and clears his throat. “Can we be honest about why we’re here?”
My parents’ expressions both drop, and they share a glance. “And just dive in. I can’t handle a whole long ‘we love you and we have been talking’ yadda yadda thing,” I add.
“Well, that’s true,” my dad says sadly. “I love you both more than life, and what we’re about to tell you has nothing to do with you. Neither of you. It was mutual.”
I force down a forkful of my stupid chicken dinner, and a brick the size of Texas gets lodged in my throat. This is why they need to cut the bullshit. The longer they talk, the less they need to. I was able to process separation because it was impermanent, and it had the potential to bring my parents together again after a break apart. What is coming next might destroy any of that tiny hope. I avert my eyes to see Jeremy. His eyes meet mine too, and he attempts to smile. Failed attempt. I give him the dirtiest glare I can summon. No doubt he’s been dying to hear this news.
“You’re getting a divorce,” I say to them, barely above a whisper.
David’s hand finds my wrist, and he squeezes it. The look my dad gives me is terrible. Horrible. Pity. Heartbreak. I can’t take it. My dad’s eyes mirror my own as they pool with sadness.
“Yes.” He reaches his hand over the counter and rests it out palm up. He wants me to hold it, but my limbs remain stiff.
“David, Lainey. This is not?—”
“Mom, we heard the speech months ago,” David reminds her. “I don’t know if we can hear it again.”
My dad urges me to take his hand again, but all I feel like doing is crying.
“I have to pee,” I lie as I rise from the table. I walk away, ignoring David’s voice to come back. I pass the restrooms and push the door open to the California heat. I find a nice spot a few feet from the door and sink to the ground.
Crying for my parents feels like the perfect excuse to also finally cry about Cameron. Damn it, I miss him. I would call him right now, and I can guarantee he’d have me laughing and singing show tunes by the end of the night. That or he’d be content holding me until I go dry. I have no clue where we stand. I assume we’re broken up, which punctures me every time I think about it. I want to be with him and no one else. I want him. He keeps his distance at school, allowing small interactions but nothing that will require any kind of affection. And as much as it hurts, I have to respect that. I’ve been a mess and he should be taking a break from me. He should focus on what’s best for him. While he does that, I should be focusing on myself and my relationship with my family.
But still, I go through old messages from Cameron until the restaurant door opens again. I assume it’s a stranger until a man sits down a foot from me. It’s not my dad, even though I wish it were. It’s Jeremy. I wipe my tears and tuck my phone away in my dress pocket.
“I know the last person you want here is me,” he says.
“Ding, ding, ding.”
“Tell me.” He runs a hand through his hair. “Explain to me why you hate me so much.”
“Well, for starters?—”
The audacity of this man. He cuts me off.
“Is it because I broke your parents up? Because I poisoned your mother against your father? Because she cheated on your father with me? Or is it because I’m trying to replace your father?”
I swallow loudly as a tear spills.
“None of those things are true, Lainey. Hate me for it if you want to but not your mother. Whatever story you are telling yourself to back up your anger is fictitious. My first day working with your mom, I was enamored by her beauty and kind heart. But I saw her ring, so I never told her.
“I settled with being her friend, and that felt right for years until she started talking to me about your father. This was recently, within the past year. She was growing unhappy.”
“She had no right,” I spit back.
“Nothing bad about your father. Lainey, she was dispirited because her husband was her favorite person to talk to about everything, but their hours together were dwindling.
“During the early years, we were friends. The three of us used to hang out at a bar not too far from our office. Lainey, your father, Brandon, was a good friend of mine. Genuinely. I felt bad for ever loving Emmy when I saw them together. If you have ever seen two people in love, it does something to you. It makes you crave it yourself. That was my problem. I craved her, but I hated it.
“When I learned about their separation, I’ll admit I wanted to be the one she came to for comfort. I need you to know that was not meant to be a betrayal to your father. I never acted until I spoke with him. At this point, I did not see him as my best friend’s boyfriend or husband. He was a friend.” He chuckles and leans his head against the rough wall. “You don’t need all the details, maybe your father will tell you, but this is— there is so much you aren’t privy to.”
I take in his words, and screw me for believing them.
“I’m okay with you hating me. I do sound like the villain, don’t I?”
I use my hand to wipe new tears away.
He pushes himself up off the dirty ground and holds a hand to me. “Come in with me.”
I look at his face for the first time since he came out here. “Did you hurt my dad?”
He shakily sucks in air. “I hope to God no. I love him.”
I manage a tight smile. “So do I.” I accept his helping hand, and we go back inside.
The rest of mealtime, I keep my head down and fully digest what Jeremy told me. I’ve been overprotective of my own dad. I thought I knew him more than my own mother did. More than Jeremy, who is alleged to be one of his best friends. For my dad, him hearing how much I hated everything that was happening so much probably pained him more than the stuff with my mother. I am the one who spilled the beans to him in the car of my mom’s plan. I’m the one who continued to hate my mother after he practically begged me not to.
When everyone begins to pack up their items to leave, I finally look at the people around me. We stand up, and I let David and Jeremy slide out of the booth. When it’s just my mom, my dad, and me, I speak.
“Wait.” I glance to the front of the restaurant where David and Jeremy are now. David looks back at me, finally noticing we’re not behind them. I release a breath but say nothing. He nods and tells Jeremy something before they walk out the door. In this moment I am grateful for his ability to read me from this far away. “I need to say something.”
At that, my parents take their seats, now sitting very close together across from me. I have to admit the sight is reassuring, serving as motivation for what I am going to tell them. I sit back down and reveal it all. The only thing I truly leave out is anything sexual, duh. They definitely should not be thinking about that. But other than that, it’s all left on the table. The list with Brandy, everything with Cameron, and Brazely’s latest practical joke. They say nothing until I lean back in my seat and catch my breath. I hope to God my mom takes a break on the judgment. I don’t need to be feeling worse about this.
My parents share a meaningful look before they focus back on me. “I can’t believe this is the first time I’m hearing this,” my mom says with an unfamiliar hint of regret in her voice. “I can’t believe I never asked.”
My dad holds his hand out similar to how he did before, and I take it. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this on our calls?” I cringe at the slight hurt on his face. “I would have helped you through all of this.”
“I couldn’t add to your distress about…” I trail off because we all know what I mean. “And, Mom, I kept it secret because I knew you would have judged me for making that list and going to parties, especially talking to guys.” Kind of ironic in a way.
My mom covers her face with both her hands. “Oh God.” She lets her arms fall to the table. “I say what I do because I want you to be yourself and smart. I stress education so you have a bright future. Friends in my past have led me astray, and I project those fears onto you. I’m sorry.” Her left hand reaches for mine, and she grabs it. Look at me. I have one parent in each hand.
“Lainey,” she continues. “I’ve made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me and look at me. I’ve missed out on nearly six months of my daughter’s life. I’ve missed you having fun, making friends, experiencing all your firsts, and my God, this Cameron boy. Do you love him?”
I nod without hesitation.
My mom hides her face in her hands again. “My goodness. Her first love.”
My dad takes over, and my mother silently cries. “You and David are the lights of my life. Being a parent is not a job. It is an opportunity and a privilege. Your worries, troubles, and successes are mine too. You’re not a burden or an addition to my distress, so throw that idea right out the window. Have I done something for you to feel this way?”
I shake my head because if I speak I’m sure the waterworks will start up, and I cried enough in front of Jeremy.
“Good.” He smiles. “Now, where is this Stef’s house? I need to murder him.”
I crack a smile. “It’s okay. The school should be taking care of him. He hasn’t bothered me since.”
“And what about this Brickley girl, or whatever. Why is she so crazy?”
I laugh, and my mother finally recovers, slightly laughing too.
“What are we going to do about her?” my mom asks.
I shrug. “Like I said, I confronted her, and I haven’t been seeing much more of the weird pictures.”
“Jesus, the picture. How on earth did she get it?”
That’s what I’d like to know.