Phoebe
I n the middle of the night, rolled over to see Axel sitting out on the balcony with a cigarette lit and his head hung low. She wrapped the bedsheet around her body.
“Are you okay?” she asked, padding over the cool tiles to kneel in front of him, so he would be forced to look at her.
“I’m sorry.” Axel sniffled, putting out his cigarette in the ashtray on the table. It wasn’t like him to smoke. He offered her a small smile, but she saw his bloodshot eyes, and knew he had been crying. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I woke up and didn’t realise where we were, and I was dreaming we were all in the studio together,” Axel explained, his head in his hands.
“The grief can sneak up on you. It’s perfectly normal.” She rested her hands on his knees, letting him talk. It was the first time he had spoken about his feelings since the funeral.
“It’s not just about him, but grieving the future we all expected to share. The tours we played, the hours of practice just for fun. Even the arguments, I miss fighting with the arse.” He rubbed his eyes and smiled softly, which only broke her heart further.
“When I woke up, I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest,” he continued. “Nick had texted me earlier to say they’ve been flying through production on the new songs. I realised when he said ‘us’, that no longer included Cillian. Usually, Cillian would message me complaining about me not getting involved enough with the process, but when I did, he’d be insufferable with all of us. He was a pain, but I miss him.” His leg shook, and she ran her hand over his thigh trying to soothe him.
“Shit, sorry, I shouldn’t even be saying all this to you.” He placed his hand over hers and gently pulled her up onto his lap. He kissed her bare shoulder. “I was just having a pity party. I’m fine, probably the wine at dinner.”
“I’m glad you’re talking to me. You don’t have to hide your feelings from me, ever. I need you to tell me everything if this is going to work. I don’t want you to hide anything from me. How you feel is valid and I won’t judge you for it.” cupped his face in her hands. “And please don’t apologise, you’ve nothing to be sorry for. Cill was your friend, and just because you didn’t always see eye to eye doesn’t mean you didn’t care about each other. What happened between him and I had nothing to do with you. You’ve every right to grieve, and I want to be there for you, just as you’ve been here for me,” she said, realising he must’ve been hiding his grief to be present for her.
“Are you sorry about us, about last night?” she asked, wondering if he was having second thoughts.
He pulled her closer, putting her at ease. “Never. You’re the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Even before…” He kissed her, and her heart bloomed. “You’ve been my light since the moment I met you. I could never regret what’s happening between us.”
“But do you feel guilty?” She rested her forehead against his. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re betraying him by being with me.”
“No, I don’t. We didn’t plan this, and who’s to say things wouldn’t have turned out this way eventually? We can only focus on what’s happening.” He met her gaze. “Do you?”
“Maybe, for being so happy so soon? But not because I found something with you. You’re different, we’re different,” she confessed, wanting to be honest.
“Different is good.” He picked up her scarred hand and kissed her gently.
It felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. They were together because they wanted to be, not because of revenge, guilt or grief. Maybe he was right, and they would have ended up together in the future regardless, maybe in a less unfortunate series of events. As she watched him stare at the stars reflected on the quiet sea, she wondered if he was her silver lining.
“I couldn’t agree more.”
They watched the stars for a while until she took his hand and led him back to bed. Curled up together, they talked about everything and anything until the sun started to rise, and they finally drifted off.