Monday, December 25th #2
When release finally comes, it comes quietly, like a sigh into the night, like soft waves rolling against the shore.
Cat’s warm and tight and everything. I hold myself over her, forehead resting against hers, trying to breathe through the intensity.
It’s not just the way her body feels—it’s what this means.
Today. Us. Still here. Still holding on.
When the aftershocks finally subside, we’re still tangled together. I’m breathless. She’s smiling. It’s all I want: to see her smile.
“So… breakfast?” I manage.
“Sure,” she giggles, but makes no move to unwrap her legs from around my hips, keeping me trapped against and inside her in the best way.
I kiss her softly. “I love you, baby,” I murmur against her lips.
“I love you, too,” she breathes, kissing me back deeply, her hands wrapping around my neck.
“Okay,” I say, laughing a little when we finally part. “You’re gonna need to let me get off you unless you want a round two.”
She laughs, her legs sliding off me. “So horny,” she teases.
I sit back and watch her climb out of bed. “It’s all your fault,” I say, grabbing my boxers and jeans.
“How’s that?” she asks, heading to the closet.
“Uh, because you’re unspeakably hot and really fucking good,” I say, giving her an exaggerated duh look.
“But you’re the one doing all the work,” she muses, stepping into a navy-blue thong, then slipping into a pair of light jeans.
“Trust me,” I say. “You’re doing plenty.”
We finish getting dressed and step out of the bedroom to find Tori and Shane in the kitchen. They’re both grinning like assholes the second they see us.
Tori holds out her hand, Cat’s black lace panties dangling from her finger. “Good morning,” she sing-songs.
Cat blushes violently, snatching her underwear out of Tori’s hand with a mortified groan.
“Good morning indeed,” I say, stretching and grinning, feeling loose-limbed and thoroughly satisfied. “We weren’t expecting you guys back.”
Shane smirks. “Clearly.”
“I was gonna have Cat right here on the kitchen counter,” I say casually, “but your ass decided to walk in.”
“Ran!” Cat scolds me quietly, making Shane laugh.
“We’re heading to Tori’s parents’ house here in a minute, but we wanted to change and grab the Christmas presents,” Shane says, still grinning at us while I retrieve a couple of plates from the kitchen cabinet to finally eat breakfast with Cat.
“Right. Well, do you guys want to eat with us?” I ask.
Tori shakes her head. “We’re going to have brunch at my dad’s house,” she says. “But hey, that means you can have Cat in the kitchen.” She giggles, watching Cat’s blush deepen.
“I wouldn’t hate that,” I say sincerely.
“Okay, can we stop talking about me and Ran having sex?” Cat asks.
“Why?” I ask dryly. “It’s one of my favorite subjects. Hobbies. Things to do. It’s what I live for, actually.”
Shane nods appreciatively. Tori giggles. Cat rolls her eyes and flees to the bathroom.
“So, what’s the plan for you guys today?” Shane asks with a chuckle.
“Oh, you know, just going to have the time of our lives hanging out with the whole damn family. Not just mine, but Cat’s, too.”
“Oh, yeah, you’re just chomping at the fucking bit,” Shane laughs.
“You know it.”
“Oh, come on, Ran. Both of your families are great,” Tori says.
“Okay, my brothers are great, I give you that,” I say. “And Cat’s mom is awesome, and so are her siblings. And, I guess, Penny’s nice, too…”
“It’s the dads that are the issue, huh?” Shane says knowingly.
“They’re alright, I guess. They’re just kind of overbearing, and one in particular after being absent the vast majority of my life.
In fact”—I pull my vibrating phone out of my back pocket, glancing at the screen—“here’s my dad now, probably wondering where the fuck we are. ” I let his call go to voicemail.
Shane studies me amusedly, then asks, “How’s therapy going?”
“Dude, you know as well as I do that there are some things even therapy can’t fix. Look, I’m trying, okay?”
“I know you are, Ran. But maybe at least answer his phone calls. Just a suggestion.” Shane nudges my shoulder. “He’s a good dad. He’s making a hell of an effort. Let him in, dude.”
“Sage advice, as always,” I chuckle.
“I’m your best friend for a reason.”
“Clearly.”
A few minutes later Shane and Tori head out, arms full of presents and the mountain of Christmas cookies Tori and Cat baked a couple of days ago. That process had mostly involved Tori smacking Shane’s hands away every time he tried to steal one still warm from the oven.
I’m ignoring yet another buzz from my dad when I stop at the bathroom door.
Cat stands in front of the mirror, still and quiet. Her gaze is distant. Her hands rest on her stomach, and my chest tightens. I step inside and wrap my arms around her from behind.
“How are you today?” I ask softly, knowing full well the weight this date carries.
She sighs, leaning back into me. “I don’t know,” she says quietly. “I think I’m okay, but… I get sad.”
“Yeah.” I hold her tighter, neither of us moving for a long moment. “I love you, baby. I wish I could make this easier for you.”
“You do,” she says with quiet conviction. She turns in my arms and presses her lips to mine.
Cat
If things had gone the way they were supposed to, I’d be holding Ronan’s and my son in my arms today. Or maybe I’d still be waiting, expecting to meet him any day now.
But then again, if things had gone the way they were supposed to, I probably never would’ve gotten pregnant in the first place. I don’t know.
Most days I feel okay. And physically I am okay. My clothes fit the way they used to. My cycle’s back to normal. With the exception of that three-inch scar on my lower abdomen, there’s no trace left, nothing to show that, just over four months ago, I was growing a baby inside me.
But the memories haven’t gone anywhere. And sometimes I swear I still feel phantom flutters in my belly. Little kicks that never were. Reminders of everything I lost, of everything we lost.
Even though things are good now, even though I’m happy—really happy—I still get sad. I still wonder what today would look like if I hadn’t lost our baby. Would we be bleary-eyed and exhausted, our arms full of this tiny new life? Would we be late today for a whole different reason?
Ronan has been everything I didn’t even know I’d need.
I thank the stars for him every day, his steady presence, the calm he brings into any room.
The way he loves me so openly, so easily.
He always knows what I need, even when I don’t.
Most of the time it’s just him, just his arms around me while I let whatever feeling has crept in run its course.
Like this morning. He held me without asking questions, without needing explanations, just… held me.
I don’t know how I’d do this without him.
We take our time getting ready. Neither of us is eager to rush over to his dad’s house, where both of our families are already congregating in a too-small space. My mom’s already called twice and texted four times asking for our ETA.
“Do we have everything we need?” I ask out loud, mentally going through my checklist as Ronan holds the apartment door open for me. I’m balancing a tote bag stuffed with small presents.
“You’re with me, so… yeah,” he says sweetly.
I glance back and smile. “Ugh. You know exactly what to say to make me go all weird in my head.”
I walk out with him, feeling a little lighter.
Not surprisingly, the house is packed by the time we arrive twenty minutes later. Frank beelines for us the second we walk through the door.
“Oh boy,” Ronan mutters. “Watch him lay into me about ignoring his calls.”
But instead of the chewing-out I expect, Frank’s mouth pulls into a tentative smile. “Do you two have a second?”
“Uh… yeah?” Ronan throws me a quick glance as Frank gestures for us to follow him upstairs.
At the top of the landing, Penny emerges from their bedroom. I blink. She looks pale, a light sheen of sweat on her forehead.
“What’s going on?” Ronan asks, his eyes bouncing between his dad and Penny.
Frank clears his throat, sheepish. He reaches for Penny’s hand. “Yeah, so… I know today probably isn’t the best timing, but we won’t be able to keep it under wraps. Not with Penny feeling the way she does…”
My jaw drops. I already know where this is going. And judging by Ronan’s face, he does too.
“Oh shit, Dad,” Ronan groans. “Ever heard of pulling out?”
Frank chuckles, the tension in his shoulders easing. “I’m not about to discuss my pull-out game with my son.”
“’Cause you clearly have no pull-out game,” Ronan deadpans.
Frank smirks. “Oh, didn’t realize I was talking to the master.”
“Oh my god,” Penny laughs. She turns to me, her expression soft. “I’m sorry. I know this isn’t ideal timing. I’ve just been feeling pretty sick the last few days.”
“We thought it was a stomach bug,” Frank says.
“Yeah, but then I took a test two days ago…” Penny sighs. “I didn’t feel this awful with the boys.”
“Maybe that means it’s a girl,” I say, feeling a small spark of giddy surprise catch fire in my chest.
Her smile widens. “Maybe. We weren’t going to say anything yet, but I’ve been running to the bathroom every fifteen minutes. Hard to hide that. We wanted you two to know first. We didn’t want to be insensitive.”
“No, really, this is so exciting,” I say honestly. And it is. It surprises me how genuine my joy is.
“What’s your goal here, Dad? Repopulate the earth with Soults? Build your own little army?” Ronan jokes.
“I make good-looking kids,” Frank says with a shrug. “Why should I stop?”
“Huh, guess you have a point,” Ronan grunts.
The four of us make our way back into the living room where Penny and Frank announce the news of their pregnancy to everyone, which is met with delighted squeals from my mom and hugs from my dad. I giggle when Steve proceeds to roast his dad just like Ronan did.
“God, Dad, for a man who kept hounding Ran and me about using protection, you fail pretty epically,” he laughs.