Chapter Ten
Chapter Ten
Derek
Sometimes I’m convinced that I’m deliberately self-sabotaging. Telling Xander that I care about him is so completely fucking counterproductive to, well, everything.
I caught him watching my dance class and had to pretend like I didn’t notice him hovering right outside the door. If I didn’t see him, I didn’t have to invite him in, and if I didn’t invite him in, I wouldn’t have to spend more time with him.
It was airtight logic.
Except for how fucking distracted it made me that I kept stepping on feet and running into walking frames. It was a disaster of a class, and I owe these people better.
“I’m telling you,” Manny says from where he’s driving next to me. “Once you see the lot we’re in the process of subdividing, you’re going to lose your mind. You can turn the whole thing into a bug house if you want to.”
The further we get from Seattle, the less settled I am. I’ve been to Manny’s house for dinner and out this way to visit our old teammate Elias a couple of times too. Every visit is the same though, like a weight slowly pressing down on my chest the further I get from the city. Usually I make up some excuse not to go, but when Manny showed up earlier, he wouldn’t take no for an answer. At least he’s one person in my life who won’t let me retreat into nothingness.
“Why are you quiet?” he asks, looking over at me through his huge black sunglasses.
“No reason.” There is a reason. I’m on edge, waiting for my phone to ring.
“You really haven’t been yourself lately, and I thought it was maybe something you were going through, but this mood has stuck. Should I be worried?”
Manny doesn’t know about Xander, and I’m not about to tell him either. It’s bad enough everyone I work with knows how my entire life is at a standstill. I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily embarrassed by it, but I probably should be. There’s a line between helping someone and becoming a doormat for them, and I’ve pole-vaulted right over into the latter.
All I can do is hope that this land Manny is showing me suddenly injects some goddamn life back into me.
“Work keeps me busy,” I explain. “There’s nothing to worry about.”
He throws me a skeptical look. “There’s more to life than work. I thought you got into nursing so you could travel and help people.”
“You of all people should know plans change, Mr. Super Bowl.”
“Yeah, but I was never close to being good enough to go all the way. That wasn’t me changing my plans; it was me being shit. You, on the other hand, are already a nurse. That part’s done.”
“Almost sounds like you’re trying to get rid of me. ”
Manny laughs, scenery speeding by outside his window. “You’re my bestie, bestie. I want to make sure you’re where you want to be in life. Where’s that fun-loving guy I’ve always known?”
“Geez, get out of my head. I’m already well aware of how old I’m getting, thanks.”
“Old? We’re mid-thirties. That’s not even close to being old.”
“Feels it though.”
Manny snaps his fingers. “There. See? That. Where did this grumbly old man come from?”
The fucking rut I’m stuck in. “Tell me, if I do end up buying this land from you, am I going to have to deal with you nosing into my life every other day?”
“You don’t give me enough credit. I have no issues doing that every day. Whether you live by me or not.”
“Not helping your case.”
“But the football field, Derek. Remember the football field.”
“And all those children I don’t have.”
“Now you’re getting it.”
I withhold rolling my eyes as he turns the car onto his property. We’re well outside of the city, and I’m trying to turn off the reminder of how long it would take for us to get back there if I have a phone call come through. Definitely not fast enough to beat Xander to the pharmacy, and if he’s there, sitting, waiting … if Susan tells him I’m not coming … I picture the way her offensively pink lipstick sinks into the lines in her lips whenever they strain under a smile. It’d give her a thrill to send Xander away.
The images are all false and made up in my head, but the irrational anger stoking at my rib cage is real.
Manny bypasses the big house and drives further down his land. It gets more overgrown as we put distance between ourselves and the main property, until at last, he pulls up on the edge of what’s been maintained. There are marker pegs in the ground.
I follow Manny out of the car.
“This is it,” he says. “It goes alllll the way down to that border fence. The wire one?”
I squint to see what he’s talking about. “It’s a lot.”
“Yeah, and with work and wanting more kids, I don’t have the time to look after it all.”
“You’ll have no issues selling it.”
“I know.” He plants his hands on his hips and turns to me. “But I don’t want to sell it to any old stranger.”
“You’ve said.”
It’s sort of perfect. Big, open, plenty of space for bees. The drive to and from work each day wouldn’t be ideal, but it’s not terrible. The land itself will probably fetch a decent price for Manny, but I’d have enough for the down payment. I could easily make this work. What I’m not expecting is how much I want it.
I can see myself here. With a real home. A memory of those endless summers, kicking at grass, getting sunburned, sweat and bruises marring my skin from too much football. It’s quiet. Me . I hadn’t realized how busy my brain had gotten until now. I’m standing here, and everything around us has stopped, taking me back to a time when I could breathe.
“What do you think?” he asks.
“It’s incredible.”
“Told youuuu.”
“Yeah, yeah, get all smug. Doesn’t mean I can take it.”
Manny lets out a frustrated groan. “Come on, man. You’re renting, and you can get to your job easily enough. There’s nothing in the city holding you back.”
Nothing except for Xander, who I can’t walk away from. For someone so outwardly full of confidence, he has a lot of self-doubt. I hated the way he was talking about himself the other day, and I want to be able to help him with that too. I can’t and won’t. But I still want to. “I have my bugs,” I finally say.
“Do you hear yourself when you say that?”
“What? I only just got the formicarium set up, and now you want me to move it?”
Manny makes a noise in his throat. “Be real. It’ll be a while before this place is ready to build on and even longer before it’s ready to live on. Is it me? Am I the problem? Would living here be too close?”
“No way.” I won’t tell him and let it go to his head, but living near Manny is a selling point. He and Hannah never fail to make me feel welcome and like part of the family, which would happen even more if I lived out there.
“Then …” He kicks at some loose rock and sets his hands on his hips. “Sorry, I don’t get it. Seattle’s depressing you. You moved there, and I’ve had to watch you slowly become a hermit man.”
“I’m not depressed. That’s a serious illness. I’m …” Frustrated? Antsy? Resentful? “Stuck.”
“Stuck?”
Shit. I didn’t mean to say that out loud. “It’s a long story,” I hedge. “Nothing all that exciting, but for the foreseeable future, I’m not leaving Seattle.” I give the site one more longing look, then picture going home to my two-bedroom, right on the road, overshadowed by the two houses it’s squashed between.
Before that image can get me down too much, I force myself to picture Xander. The sweet, fleeting smile, his shrewd eyes, and the defiance he wears like armor. To imagine never seeing him again.
I’m a selfish, selfish man. Obviously, seeing him again is bad if it means he’s sick. But … I think back to how he looked at the nursing home. A bright pop of color in the white halls. Big, pretty eyes. A little flirty. Holding himself more defensively th an I’m used to seeing him, though I prefer that over him looking drained.
And he said—well, he didn’t say he liked the class, but he sort of implied it. So if he enjoyed volunteering there, would he do it again? Will I see him next week? I shouldn’t want to, but I fucking do. He’s like a brightly colored bug, reminding me he’s dangerous. If I had any kind of survival instincts, that would be enough to make me stay clear, but I’m like a fucking fly to his bright light.
So wildly, inappropriately attracted. Especially after the other day.
“Derek …”
I blink back to the now. I’d almost forgotten Manny was with me.
He clears his throat. “I’m here if you need anything. Right?”
I sling my arm around his shoulders, wanting to reassure him. The Xander part of my life might be a mess, but otherwise, I have no complaints. “I know. You’re the fucking greatest, and I really appreciate you showing this to me first. You have no idea how much I want to say yes?—”
“Then do it.”
Don’t fucking tempt me, dammit . “I can’t.” I’m firm about that. “But one day, I might be able to move up this way.”
“Or finally take off doing all that nurse stuff you want to do.”
That’s one thing I’m confident will never happen. “Maybe that too,” I lie. Hypocritical of me, considering I told Xander he should be truthful, but no matter what people think of me, I’m far from perfect. Which includes the lying. Sue me.
Manny hooks a thumb back over his shoulder. “Want to stay for lunch?”
After him insisting he’d pick me up, I really should stay for a while before he has to drop me home, but then I picture my phone ringing. Having to explain to him why I need to get back. Trying to justify my inappropriate attachment to a patient.
But worse than all of that is Xander. Xander showing up to the pharmacy and me not being there to help him.
I give Manny a tight smile, already dreading the words I’m about to say. I want to stay, but I can’t.
“I can’t today.”
“Damn, huh?” He sweeps a hand over his face. “Maybe next time?”
“For sure.”
That’s a lie as well.