Not Catching Love (Accidental Love #5)

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Four

Derek

Hanging out with Xander is the hardest thing I’ve ever fucking done. He said he couldn’t ever be friends with me, and I know what he means, but for now, we’re existing in this weird sort of limbo where we both want each other and we both want more, but we’re pretending that side of us doesn’t exist.

Xander glances up from where he’s snuggled under my arm. “You’re finally going to show me your house?”

Okay, we’re sort of pretending it doesn’t exist. Or, more accurately, we’re ignoring the fact that we know it exists and will take every opportunity to touch each other platonically. Xander craves being touched. He craves being close. I’ve noticed it with Seven and Molly, too, when we all hang out together, and I figure if he can snuggle up to them and it not mean anything sexual, then there’s no reason why he can’t snuggle up to me.

“You’re going to judge me,” I warn him .

“Duh. That’s the whole point of seeing someone else’s house. To make a snap judgment about them and their whole personality.”

“You’re not doing a single thing to make me feel better about this decision.”

“Good, because I’m not trying to. Now, show me. I can’t wait to be right about it being a hovel.”

“It’s not a fucking hovel,” I grumble, unwrapping my arm from his shoulders to unlock the door.

“We’ll see.” He gives me one of his smiles. The kind that would look adorable if his eyes didn’t scream mischief.

“Your fake innocence doesn’t work on me.”

“That’s what you think.”

He follows me inside, and even though I spent the morning cleaning up, it isn’t much to look at. A leather couch, a TV, a stark white kitchen, and a small dining table that’s never used. There isn’t much clutter because there isn’t much of anything.

Bertha house feels alive, and while I like that my place is clean and open, I can admit it lacks the soul of their chaotic household.

“See? No hovel?”

Xander doesn’t say much as he walks across the living space and looks around. “This is like … a proper grown-up house.”

“It’s pretty basic.”

“There’s nothing on the floors. Or clothes thrown over the back of the couch. Or shoes cluttered around the door so that when you walk in, you almost trip over them and break your neck.”

“Anyone ever told you that you’re dramatic?”

“It could happen. The hall table is right there and super heavy. Knock your head on that and it’s good night.”

“I suggest you stay on your feet, then.”

Xander moves around, looking way too good in my space, and tugs on the corner of a cushion resting on the couch. “These are fancy.”

“Hannah bought them for me.”

His purple glare snaps up to me. “ Who ?”

I almost laugh. “My best friend’s wife.”

“Manny?” he confirms. I don’t know how many times I’ve mentioned Manny before, but Xander still has a wariness there.

“Yup.”

He twists his lips from one side to the other. “I think I should be your best friend instead. I spend more time with you.”

He spends all his time with me. It’s not something I’m going to complain about either. In the few weeks since we had sex, Xander’s decided that boundaries don’t exist anymore. His texts are constant, he meets me after work or has me go to his place, and when we can’t meet up, we end up talking on the phone until late. Too late. I fell asleep during our conversation last night, and I can only imagine what shit I spewed in my sleep.

“Manny’s been my best friend since high school.”

“People change.”

It’s hard not to tease him when he’s being ridiculous. “What if I have two best friends?”

“That’s not how best works, but nice try.”

I cross over so that I’m standing at the back of the couch, right in front of him. I tug the cushion from his hold. “You’re cute when you’re jealous.”

“I’ll have to be jealous more often, then.”

“Or you could believe me when I say that I don’t want to be best friends with you. Keeping that little bit of distance between us is needed. For my goddamn sanity.”

Xander slowly drags his bottom lip between his teeth and leans forward. “Have you ever jerked Manny off? ”

“Nope.”

He lets out a satisfied hmm . “Guess that means I win, then.”

“Exactly.” And even though I shouldn’t, I add, “It’s no competition.”

He tries to hold down his smile. “Can I see your ants?”

Well, I guess we’re not putting that off any longer. I probably shouldn’t have mentioned them to him in the first place, but imagine if he’d come over and randomly walked into my bug room. It’s a fast way to scare the hell out of someone.

“Might as well see what you really think of me. Who knows? Maybe it’ll scare you off, and we won’t have to worry about, well, anything.”

I turn for the hall, and Xander catches up, wrapping himself around my arm. “You’re severely overestimating my standards.”

“And you’re undervaluing yourself again.”

“Hey, if I say it’s what I’m good at, does that mean I’m complimenting myself and therefore saying something positive?”

I struggle to follow his twisted logic. “No. Because at the heart of it, you’re still being mean about yourself.”

“I’ll stop recognizing my strengths, then.”

“Or maybe you could start.”

It’s a common conversation for us since I first went over to his place. I don’t look into it too deeply or try to force him or anything, but I’m hoping the constant reminders might sink in one day. Xander’s used to putting himself down, and I think it’s a way of protecting himself, but I hate that he doesn’t know any other way to be.

With any luck, his psychologist will help him through it. I’m not bluffing when I say that I won’t play doctor to him anymore.

“In here,” I say and push the door open ahead of us, and then I follow Xander into the room .

It’s a standard-sized bedroom with lots of natural light, the formicarium taking up one wall and cages of bugs stacked on shelves on the other. Most of the cages are empty, but I’ve been slowly adding interesting species to my collection since I got back.

“Fuck, me, the thing is taller than I am,” he says, approaching the formicarium. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s about five eight or five nine, which I happen to think is the perfect height for someone who’s six one. Like me.

I need to stop thinking that way, but I can’t convince my common sense of that. The smart thing would be for us to end this stupid pretend friendship and go our separate ways. To move on. Forget the other person exists.

But when I’m with Xander, I don’t want to be smart. He feels like mine. He acts like mine. In another universe, we met at random and are already dating. In that universe, I can touch him whenever I want.

Which is always. The mixture of sweet, snarky, and sexy is too much for my small brain. The defensive set to his shoulders, the curve of his back, the pop of that mouthwatering ass …

“There’s so many in there,” he says.

I shake off my building lust and go join him. “Yep. The queen took well.”

“What if she didn’t?”

“The colony would have died out like my others … or she would have eaten her workers.”

“Cannibalism. Cool.”

“If you think so.”

He wrinkles his cute nose, and it’s something I’ve noticed him do a lot. I’m not sure if it’s linked to any kind of emotion, but it really draws attention to his freckles, and it makes me wonder. Is the nose wrinkling a habit or specifically calculated to be cute ?

It brings something back to mind.

“You said that it makes you uncomfortable when people check you out?”

“Yep.”

“I’m curious why you always dress like you want people to notice you, then?” Xander’s clothes are a mixture of cute and sexy, and I don’t think I’ve seen him in anything casual. Even during winter, all covered up, there’s something about him that drags your attention in. “I don’t mean that in a slut-shaming way, more, like, your hair color, for example. Or those thigh-high socks you like to wear. Those things get attention.”

“It’s … complicated. I want the attention. I want people to look at me and think I’m pretty but not get the chance to look too closely.”

“Those things are more of a distraction?”

“Maybe? Sherwin talked about it once, and it was so boring I almost fell asleep.”

The flippant tone catches my attention. “You weren’t bored at all, were you?”

He shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. He was wrong.”

I remind myself that’s something for Sherwin to deal with. “It sounds like you want people to be in awe of you but not attracted to you?”

“I … yeah. I think so? Kinda conceited, am I right?”

With what Xander’s been through? After a whole lifetime of neglect, it’s reasonable to think he’d crave attention but not want people to get too close.

Every day I spend with him reminds me of how lucky I am that he trusts me. That Xander chose to let me in.

“The most brightly colored bugs are usually the most dangerous.”

Xander tilts his head, blue bangs drifting over his forehead. “What do you mean?”

“Well, in nature, it’s either camouflage and not be eaten or be so brightly colored that it’s a warning to any creature who might try to eat you that it’s a bad idea.”

His gaze drifts down, and when it snaps back up, I can already tell he’s going to test me. “Are you saying you want to eat me, Derek?”

I set myself up for that. “That question is off the table.”

“Why?”

Before I can stop myself, I pull him in, cradling him in my arms as my lips dip to his ear. “Because I already know it’s a bad idea. I know how dangerous you are, little bug, and I’m still trying to pretend I’m a good person.”

He shivers in my arms, making my heart pound harder. “Am I your little bug?”

I refuse to answer that. You don’t name a pet unless you want to get attached, and I figure you don’t pet name a person unless you want to fuck yourself over.

“It works, you know,” he says, not letting it drop. “Because you like bugs, and I’m scared of catching them. Not bugs like insects—bugs like flesh-eating viruses that corrode your lungs and make your brain bleed out of your ears, but same thing.”

That’s not the same thing at all. “And now you’ve ruined it.”

“Nuh-uh.” He pulls back so he can see me. “It’s mine now. And I’ll always remember the sexy way you whispered it in my ear.”

“Fuck.” I release him and step back, dick thickening against my will. “And that’s enough overstepping for one day.”

“You’re such a flirt.”

“Barely. I’m just a guy who likes bugs and apparently lacks self-control.”

“You have too much self-control for my liking.”

Mine too, bug. Mine too . “You agreed to be good.”

“You should know not to trust me.” He gets his evil smile. “ The second you ask to have sex again, I won’t even pretend to think about it.”

“Then I really need to work on that self-control.”

“Maybe. Then again, there’s no one else here either. Just you … me?—”

I cover his mouth and fix him with the sternest look I’m capable of, while an “I’m fucked” warning tugs at my mind. “It’s only been a few weeks. I think my willpower can last longer than that.”

“A few weeks, huh?” Xander’s gaze travels over me. “I can wait.”

I wish he wouldn’t. I wish he’d give up on me and realize that anything between us is a lost cause. I wish I could disappear for a year and trust that he’d be here waiting. For me. I’d wait forever for him.

The flirting is cute and fun for the time being, but it’s getting difficult. How can I simultaneously love his attention and want it to continue while knowing it would be better for us both if he got sick of me and moved on?

Xander deserves someone who’ll make him their whole world. Who’ll give him all the attention and love he deserves.

I can’t be that person. Not right now.

But damn if I don’t wish every day that I could be.