Not Catching Love (Accidental Love #5)

Chapter Thirty-Four

Chapter Thirty-Four

Xander

I stretch out like a cat, feeling warm and happy and like if I open my eyes, it might all fall away.

So I keep them closed and try to latch onto the moment where Derek said he loved me and that he wants to make us official.

Lips meet my shoulder as a hand runs over my back. “Good morning, beautiful.”

Okay, so it’s not going away yet then. I blink my eyes open to find my very shaggy boyfriend smiling down at me. “Don’t they have barbers in Cambodia?” I ask.

Derek’s chuckle is deep in his chest. “They do. It’s a beautiful country. But I only shave and keep tidy because the pharmacy requires it, so while I was there …” He looks a little sheepish. “I let myself relax a bit.”

“Do you like this look?”

His eyebrows lift a touch. “You don’t? ”

“Actually, it’s kind of hot.”

“Good.” He presses a lingering kiss to my lips.

“I’m very pro beard, so you know.”

He drops back against the pillow, eyes closed, happy smile drifting over his face. “That was a great welcome home. I don’t think I’m going to be able to have sex for a month.”

I’m sore but very, very satisfied. Three orgasms in one night was like a shock to my system, and if that’s any indication of what Derek’s capable of, I have no idea how he went so long without it.

“So …” I’m scared to bring up real talk and break this cute little bubble, but I need to know. “We’re official?”

“Yup.”

“And that means …”

“Whatever we want it to mean. Mostly that I’m not holding back, that we don’t need to hide … I probably won’t be posting our relationship all over social media just yet, because I’m not an idiot, but if we go places, I want to hold your hand. I want sleepovers and sex and for you to know that you’re loved. Completely.”

I sigh—half swoon and half uh-oh. “I hope you know that I’m not capable of being as sweet as you. If you’re going to be saying things like that, you’re going to be well above my level.”

His smile doesn’t dim. “I know who you are, Xander. You’re not going to scare me away.”

“What if I get really clingy and needy? What if I have five panic attacks every day? What if I lash out at you and be an asshole because I’m overwhelmed and don’t know how else to handle it?”

“Then I’ll feel grateful that I’m your safe space and be clear about setting any boundaries I need to.” He strokes my hair. “But you need to be okay with me saying I don’t like something without assuming it means I want to leave you. Does that make sense? ”

“I don’t know if my brain works that way.”

“I know it will be hard to believe initially, but I need to know that you’ll try. I need to feel safe in voicing my concerns without you taking it as a personal attack, otherwise, this won’t work.”

Even him hinting there’s something that could end us makes my throat want to close up. But this is what he means. Trusting he’d come back to me after Cambodia was the hardest thing I’d ever had to face, but this might be worse. Because this is real now, and we’re going to have to face each other every day. I’m not going to be able to hide all my sharp edges from him.

“If I promise to try and be mature about this, can you promise to not assume that I know what I’m doing or how to be the perfect boyfriend? I’m going to fuck up, and I’ll probably push you away. It’s not because I want to, but it’s the only thing I’ve ever known.”

“The fact you’re having this conversation at all shows me how much you’re trying. My hard limits are abuse and cheating. I’m here to work through everything else.”

I snuggle closer. “Then so am I.”

I wake up to voices, and it takes me a moment to realize I must have fallen back asleep. Derek’s bed has the faint scent of fabric detergent but now mostly just smells like the sex we had last night.

It was good fucking sex.

His hands and mouth on me is my favorite thing in the world.

Enjoy it while it lasts .

I shake Seven’s voice out of my head. I hate that my inner demon sounds like him—like it’s more convincing coming from the voice of the person I trust most—but I’m determined to fight it. I won’t always win, but trying is more than I’ve ever done before.

Instead of letting my thoughts go dark, I climb out of bed and look around for clothes. Given the unfamiliar voice coming from the living area, it’s not like I can walk out there naked.

I find my shorts and then pull on the football T-shirt Derek wore the day I went to watch him with his friends. It reaches my thighs, so I figure that’s covered up enough.

“Look who’s awake,” Derek says cheerfully when I leave his room.

Manny is sitting at the table with a coffee, and I’m assuming by the lack of surprise on his face that Derek already told him I’m here.

We really are boyfriends.

“Hi,” I say nervously as I join Derek in the kitchen.

He presses a kiss to my head and turns the coffee machine back on.

Manny holds up his hands as I eye him. “Sorry to burst your little boyfriend bubble, but it’s been four months. I had to visit my boy.”

“Good thing you didn’t come last night.” I join him at the table.

“Yeah, I’m not dumb. There’s no way I was walking in on that.”

I tilt my head. “You knew we were together yesterday?”

“Yeah …” He glances over at Derek like he’s asking permission for how much to say.

Derek takes over. “I told him last week that as soon as I got back, I was going to make things official with you.”

“Cocky.” I narrow my eyes at him. “What if I’d said no?”

Derek sets down my coffee in front of me, then takes my chin and steers my face up. He leans in close, close enough to kiss me. “You really think you could have?”

“No.” I groan. He’s got me. There was no way I was ever saying no to him.

“Now we’ve got that cleared up, yes, I told Manny, and yes, I told him that I was planning to be occupied with you all night but that he could come over today.”

“I’m like a cockroach,” Manny says. “Can’t keep me away.”

“Lucky Derek likes bugs.”

Manny laughs. “I can’t believe that wasn’t a turnoff.”

“Ehh, he has enough good qualities to balance it out.”

“Anyway,” Manny says, glancing back over at Derek. “There is a reason I’m here. Other than to see your pretty face.”

“Shoot.”

“The subdivision is approved, and we’re ready to sell. I know you said no, but come on …” He waves a hand over the house. “You really want to pay someone else’s mortgage for the rest of your life? You’re getting old .”

“He’s not old.”

Manny smirks. “He’s old , old.”

“You’re the one with a kid,” Derek throws back. He sounds distracted though, and when I glance over, he’s looking around the room. “I don’t think it’s the best time.”

“I love you, but we can’t sit on this thing forever.”

“Then sell it.”

“Derek.”

He shrugs. “It is what it is. I’m not ready to leave yet.”

“By the time you build something, you will be.”

“That’s the other thing.” Derek shifts his mug to his free hand and back again. “Getting the money for something like that won’t be easy, especially after I’ve taken time off work and spent a chunk of my savings to go overseas twice. ”

“They didn’t pay you?” I ask.

His expression shifts to indulgence as he looks over at me. “I was volunteering. They covered a little, but mostly, I was on my own.”

I think he’d mentioned it at some point, but I guess it didn’t hit me that he was gone for four months … for free. No income. He had to have saved a bit to be able to do that.

“You’re selling land?” I ask Manny.

“I’m trying to.”

“For how much?”

His attention redirects to me. “Not sure yet. We have a number in mind, but we still need to get a sales agent out to look at it. That said, if Derek’s offer came in around what we’re happy with, it’d be his.”

“Can I see it?”

They swap a look between them.

“Hey,” I say to Manny. “Don’t look at him. I’m talking to you.”

“Well … I don’t see why not.”

Thanks to people liking shitty art and my overheads at Bertha being low as fuck, I’ve saved a lot of money over the last few years. It’s not enough to buy land and build a place, but it is enough to do half of that.

“How long does a house take to build?”

“Xander, what are you doing?” Derek asks.

Manny answers me. “I think it all depends. I haven’t done it myself, but you’d need to get all the supplies connected to the block, then find a builder, sign contracts … a year? Probably two?”

“Two years.” I turn to face Derek. “What if we did it together?”

“Uh—”

I wave away what I know he’s going to say next. “Yes, it’s super soon. Like we’ve-been-together-for-a-whole-day soon. I know. I get it. But I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you, plus we can draw up contracts for a fifty-fifty split, then if, two years down the line”—my throat does that thing where it’s trying to close over, but I push on—“things aren’t, well, great and we’re not ready to live together, then we sell.”

I’m trying to ignore all the things I said and focus on what could be.

“I’m …” There’s still something holding him back.

“You’re what?”

“Well, maybe I like living here.”

“Do you?”

“I … don’t hate it. It’s a good size, convenient location, close to work …”

Work.

Very, very close to work. “You’re holding on to this place because of me, aren’t you?”

“No, I?—”

“You what?”

The way his eyes dim tells me everything I need to know. Instead of feeling dejected, or like he thinks I can’t do this, or frustrated that he feels the need for a backup plan in case I derail, I steamroll all those emotions. “If you think you’ll still need this place in two years, we’re going to have a lot bigger issues than building a house together. Sure, I’m never going to be fixed, I’ll always need help, but we’ve both established that the help won’t be coming from you. I trusted you to come back; now you have to trust me to handle my shit. So if you’re holding on to this place because of me, well, well, you just … stop it.”

His lips twitch. “Stop it?”

“Yes, stop it. It’s insulting.”

“Okay. Fair point.”

“Aww, am I witnessing your first lover’s tiff?” Manny asks.

“Quiet, you,” Derek says, then drags a chair over to sit next to me. “You know what you’re saying? That you want to buy a place, with me, and that once it’s built … moving in with me would mean moving out of Bertha. You understand that, don’t you?”

Well, I fucking didn’t until he said that. My natural reflex is a big, fat no. No, I won’t go. I won’t leave my brothers and the safety of the house. I won’t let any of them leave either. But realistically, I know that Derek would never live there with the rest of us.

So one day, if this is forever, I’ll have to move out. I’ll have to say goodbye.

“I … Seven …”

“I know. That’s what I mean. You need to be sure about this.”

“Can’t I close my eyes, sign on the dotted line, and then ignore we even had this conversation?”

“Nope.”

Well, fuck.

“Why don’t you come see the land?” Manny suggests. “Have a look, then you can think about the details and let me know.”

“One step at a time?” Derek suggests.

I nod. One step is something I can do.