Not So Innocent (Shattered Glass #2)

Chapter Twenty

Instinct was the most dangerous response to Cai’s pain, and it made Riley reach out. Reason pulled his hand back.

I want to put him in the ground!

Me too, Riley thought. He stood up, silent and paralyzed by a fight between his heart and his duty. God help me, I’m as lost as you right now, Cai. His feelings clouded his judgment and crippled any ability to help or do his job. Yet another reminder why agents were forbidden to get involved with witnesses or principals. “I’m going to wet a towel with some cold water for your face, and then we’ll try and figure this out.” And I’ll get my shit together.

Other than raspy sobs, Cai didn’t respond.

In the kitchen, Riley wet a facecloth and wrung it tight with all his frustration. How did we all miss this rage? And the subterfuge and scheming? How long had Cai been planning this? Riley returned to the living room with a wet rag, a mouth full of questions, and zero ideas on how to begin. He crouched down and offered the towel. “Here.”

“What are you doing?” Cai’s hand shot out and slammed against Riley’s arm. “Don’t baby me!”

“It’s not babying. This is what humans do for people they care about!”

Johanson knocked more forcefully and tried to get a better angle to see them in the window. “Agent Cordova, I need to come in now.”

As if Johanson didn’t exist, Cai ranted on. “Wiping my face? I’m not your child. I’m not anyone’s child.” He yanked the towel away, scrubbed hard at his face and then threw it across the room. It landed with a splat against the recliner.

Another knock, this time accompanied with a twist of the door handle. “Now, Cordova!”

“Opening it now,” Riley said loudly. Can something go to plan here? He growled while moving so that Johanson could see him clearly. He held up a finger and then spoke to Cai, loud enough to carry outside. “Listen, you’re allowed to be angry at me, at Peter, at the whole world. But Agent Johanson will break down my door if he can’t do a welfare check. So, move, or I will move you.”

Cai blinked a few times as if he finally comprehended. “Oh.” He struggled to his feet. “Sorry,” he said, wobbling. Then swung his hand out blindly. “I don’t need help.”

“I wasn’t offering.”

“Are you sure? Maybe you’d like to diaper me?” Cai fired back as he gained momentum on the way to the bedroom.

“Was that sarcasm?” Riley opened the door while turning to read his expression.

Cai whirled around, his entire body so taut, he shook. “Yes! Yes, it is sarcasm. I can be all the things!” He swiped a giant arc with his arm. “For future reference, I will be sardonic or, or, or, or caustic, or sarcastic, or any other ‘ic’ I feel like. I will swear when I freaking want to!” He seemed to use every muscle in his mouth, before finally snapping out, “Shit!” Then continued spitting out curses with eyes widening in what seemed to be both defiance and shock at his own voice. “Damn! Fuck! Hell! Cunt! Twaterrific! I’ll walk around naked, too. All day, every day! Every damn day! Every fucking goddamn day! So, get used to it!”

When he’d finished, Cai stopped to breathe heaving gulps of his own heated words. Then he turned on his heel and back-kicked the bedroom door shut behind him.

Agent Johanson dripped on the welcome mat, not a single crack in his stoic mask. “Yup, things sure seem fine.”

“Umbrella’s in there.” Riley pointed to the hall closet. He left the agent to fend for himself and slipped into the bedroom, locking them both inside.

Cai sat on the bed, rubbing the top of Fuzz’s head while staring into the closet. He had a glaze of defeat in his unfocused eyes and looked drained. The episode that just happened was either a much-needed cleansing or the beginning of a cycle. Another minefield in which Riley had a starting point, but no map.

According to Cai, his dark phases were marked by wide swings between anger, apathy, and exhaustion. Self-harm was the number one risk during that phase. Riley had seen firsthand the hypomanic stage— no sleep, a near-relentless positivity and energy. He’d yet to see a manic phase but had been told it came with psychosis and hallucinations. That cycle was dangerous because Cai could as easily think it reasonable to fly off a building.

In the past week, Riley had seen excessive energy, positivity, apathy, anger, sleeplessness, exhaustion, hypersexuality, and random bouts of talking to himself. How the fuck was he supposed to know what to do or even what cycle Cai was in in?

He sat on the bed next to Cai and clasped his hands in his lap. Hoping to avoid another explosion, Riley attempted to walk the minefield. This time he’d ask for a guide.

“Twaterrific?” he asked to break the tension.

“It’s one of Julian’s words.”

“Help me here. I’m afraid to say the wrong thing.”

When the petting suddenly stopped, Fuzz shoved his muzzle into the nearest inert hand and whined. Cai resumed scratching the dog’s ears. “There’s no wrong thing. We can’t keep avoiding the subject we need to talk about. Either you’re ready to be honest or you’re ready to give up.”

“All right. Honesty. This burst of anger. Are you cycling right now?”

“I think so. I’m not sure which way. It’s never been this random before.” From his pocket, he pulled out a Tic-Tac container with blue pills inside. “I’m taking my meds. Okay? Now my turn for honesty?”

Riley nodded but stayed quiet.

“My anger isn’t just a result of my bipolar. It’s that you’re driving me out of my mind. You were literally the only person who always spoke to me like an equal, Riley. Now, you question my emotions constantly. I’m not so innocent that I can’t tell you want me. And I want you, too. Why do you fight this thing between us so hard?”

“It’s not easy to think of you as a man, Cai. You’ve been filed away in my head as a teenager for a long time. We can discuss geopolitics, religion, bikes, cars, the law. Deep discussions, where you’re insightful. Witty. It was easy to forget you were young.” Riley debated saying anything else. Cai was already feeling down.

“But…?”

“But you wear mittens. You smell and taste like candy because you eat it constantly. Tonight’s the first time I’ve ever heard you swear. It might be the first time you’ve thought a curse word. You blush anytime sex is remotely referenced. And I don’t want to get into the hat my mother made you. It’s adorable, but it’s adorable for a teenager . It’s those dichotomies that fight against what I want and what I know is right.”

“You frustrate me so much. You’re constantly ascribing things to me that aren’t accurate and then using them as a reason not to be with me.” Cai glared, then his expression softened, and he sighed. “I wear mittens because I’m an artist, and my hands have poor circulation. Those particular mittens your mother made me, and I double insulated them. I wear those, and the freaking hat, because she’s kind to me. And sometimes I miss my mother.

“As for swearing? Peter and Darryl washed my mouth out with soap if I even said ‘poop’, let alone swore. That’s how they were taught to deal with swearing, and they were too young to know any different. It’s second nature to censor myself. Have your mouth washed out with a bar of soap fifty times and see how much you swear. Sex, well, I already told you why.” Cai reached up and twirled a lock of Riley’s hair. The dog wiggled impatiently under the other hand. “And I eat candy because it’s a temporary mood lift, but also because my meds give me bad breath.”

“The moment I think I have you figured out, you rip the rug out from under me.”

“I get surprised about you too. I hope it’s always that way.”

“You need to give me time to come to grips with this.”

“Sounds fair. I want to be with you, Riley. Even with that.” He waved toward the closet, not looking at it. “Or even more because of it. I don’t know yet. And, more importantly, neither do you. We’re good together. Don’t devalue my choices.”

Hadn’t Riley thought that exact thing? A lot had happened since then. “It’s tough not to question your choices. You don’t want to be thought of as a victim, but what do you think focusing years of your life for revenge on Thomas Cole makes you?” The name was a guess. The only ‘Tommy’ related to this case.

“Powerful,” Cai said, not denying the who, though he’d carefully avoided names to keep Riley from making an arrest, no doubt.

The sun came out and streaked the room with light. Cai went to stand next to the window. Resting against the wall, he peered sideways through the slit between the blinds. “Storm’s passed.”

“One has,” Riley said.

“This one’s almost over too.” Cai held his hand out in front of the window and turned it in the light. “Bet it’s warm outside. Wish I could go run.” After a minute, he dropped his arm with a sigh. Fuzz, fed up with them both, huffed, and then hopped on the bed to lie in a ball. Cai crawled in with him, curling around the animal. “I can’t deal with today anymore.”

Riley checked his watch. “Shit. You haven’t slept in nearly twenty-four hours. No wonder you’re exhausted.”

“I’m okay,” he said. He turned his head to rest his cheek on the top of Fuzz’s head and yawned. “Dr. Sh— My lithium got bumped to 1200mg. It’s pretty effective. But I do need some sleep and some routine. Haven’t had much of either in the last few weeks.”

Riley lay down behind Cai and then wrapped an arm around his waist. It felt natural, until a set of panicked, angry grey eyes turned on him.

“What are you doing? I don’t need to be coddled!”

“Cantankerous little shit.” Riley pushed Cai’s head down to the pillow and then re-wrapped his arm around him. “Your quills are poking me. Settle down. This is what couples do.”

Cai twisted again, shooting that big-eyed stare this time. “You give up?”

“I’m not the concession in a treaty negotiation.”

“You’re my…boyfriend?”

“Not a word that even remotely describes us,” Riley said. Though, this was a good start. “We’ll try, whatever this is, slowly.”

Cai’s head fell back onto the pillow. Before falling asleep, he muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, “I win.”

For a while, Riley soaked in the warmth of their shared body heat. He felt for Fuzz and scratched his neck. The dog rolled over to offer its belly, pulling Cai’s t-shirt up and revealing the body art along his waist.

Up close, the lettering was likely Albanian, not Cyrillic as Riley had originally thought. The calligraphy bore the red and puckered softness of a recent scarring. He traced over the ridged edges. Cai responded with a small sound and a stretch, which ended up with his leg between Riley’s.

“And that’s enough self-indulgence,” Riley whispered, pressing a kiss to the nape of Cai’s neck. The ugly metal necklace peeked out from under the elastic collar. Riley rubbed the beads between his fingers as he’d seen Cai do hundreds of times. The hat, the pea coat, the necklace, the mittens—keepsakes held close and treasured. Sentimental and violent, innocent and malicious, sweet and corrupt.

“I don’t know how to love you, Cai. You’re as fragile as cracked glass and just as dangerous.”

Better learn fast, Riley added silently, there’s no turning back now.

He took an obscenely long inhale before forcing himself up and out of the room.

* * *

In the kitchen, as Riley poured beans into the grinder, it occurred to him that he’d slept approximately three hours in two days. “Why am I making coffee?” He closed the lid and headed back to bed but ran into Kelly on his way out.

She walked past him and then threw her purse and keys on the counter. “Make the coffee.” Fuzz trotted up to her, resting his muzzle on her thigh. She instantly fell for the puppy eyes, scratching the dog’s back while baby talking. “You are not a good boy,” she chided. “Parade of agents searching the house and you just watched us. Yes, you did. Yes, you did, you bad boy.”

“Yeah, well, he’s less guard dog and more emotional support pillow.” Riley turned the grinder on. It gave him a minute to think while studying her face. How much had Johanson heard and how much had he told her? Had she been in his closet during the search? The grinder stopped. “You ready to interrogate me yet? Forewarning, it’s possible I might fall asleep in the middle of your questioning.”

“Coffee first.”

“Careful, that might give me time to think.”

“You look too exhausted to think. You’re wearing most of yesterday’s suit. Although, frankly I’m only mildly surprised. I’ve always thought you probably sleep in a suit.”

She left the kitchen, returning with one of the dining set chairs which she plonked down on.

“I could just lay out the facts,” he suggested.

“Yes, do that. You’re not the only one who might fall asleep while talking.” After shedding her coat, she rested an elbow over the back of the chair. Her holster peeked out of her blazer.

He resumed his coffee-making while he told her what Cai had confessed.

“That jives with my research into Thomas Cole,” she said. “He was in and out of rehab fifteen times since the age of thirteen. Arrested for solicitation several times, pandering, felony pandering, three times for possession of methamphetamine, twice for distribution and manufacturing.” She gave him a second to absorb that information before adding, “Solicitation dismissed, possession dismissed, dismissed, dismissed, dismissed, dismissed. The kicker? Trafficking a minor pleaded down to misdemeanor pandering. That doozy of a deal was for pimping out his heroin-addicted, teenage girlfriend. And finally, manufacturing with intent: dismissed.”

“Cai said Cole was untouchable. Looks like he was right.” Riley grabbed milk from the fridge and barely stopped himself from slamming it on the counter. “Now you want me to go in there and tell him to trust the system?”

“His clothes from the night of the rape are in evidence. We’re within the statute of limitations. We can make a case.”

“If he agrees to testify against the son of the most popular Senator in the state. A man whose polling is twenty-six points ahead of every challenger for the governorship.” Riley would do anything to keep that from happening. “With Cai’s background? He’s right, they’ll tear him apart. He’s a terrible witness.”

“At the very least we have a statutory rape case that’s provable. Cole was thirty at the time of the assault. Cai was sixteen. Juries like DNA evidence.”

“No.”

She cursed under her breath and stared him down before giving in. “Okay, get his testimony, and we may not need it for court. We can try to press Thomas for his father.”

“And the father for the rest of them,” Riley said. Cai and his family would be safe, and he wouldn’t need to testify. But... “Make a deal to set his rapist free?”

“I can make a deal for reduced time. I’ll make sure he doesn’t walk. But, until you told me about this, I thought we had no chance at the Senator. Lord knows his men aren’t talking."

“Kelly, I don’t know that I can convince him.”

“I haven’t heard Porter’s name in this conversation. Convince him that cooperation can reduce jail time.”

The coffee percolated and spat while she held his gaze with a scrutiny that made him feel like she was reading his mind.

“I was going to bring it up after I’ve had some sleep. I’ll have to ask about the rape too. That’s a lot of detail I don’t want to hear, and he doesn’t want to share.” Riley slid a cup over to her. “I won’t push him until he’s stable.”

“If you don’t do it, McCleary will. He’s on a tear right now about Porter. We don’t even know if we’re looking for a body or if this was another goose chase. But, since you’re going to sleep, it seems I don’t need to be here all day. I’m going to the office for a couple hours.” She stood up to fill her cup with coffee. “Want to get into McCleary’s good graces? Get some sleep. Get the information on Thomas Cole. And get that hard drive.” She left him alone with a dejected dog.

Riley reached down to pet him when a yowl resounded from the living room. Fuzz scrambled against the tile, paws slipping several times before he bounded out of the kitchen.

“Oh yeah, forgot to say.” Kelly poked her head back in. “I brought you a gift.”

* * *

Woken by loud purring and an unimaginable stench, Riley pried his eyes open just in time to get head-butted by Begone. He spat out the few pieces of rancid fur stuck to his mouth and rolled over, knocking the cat off the bed. She retaliated by hopping back up, waiting for him to close his eyes, and then curling her remaining three claws slowly around his nose.

Afraid to move too quickly, he poked Cai awake. That set off a chain reaction of regret and pain. Cai jolted upright, grabbed the cat, crying out, “Begone!”, which ripped a, thankfully, small scratch in Riley’s nose. As he swore, Kelly threw open the door, gun drawn, at the same time the dog jumped up on the bed and bounded over his chest and stomach to get to Cai and the cat.

“Hey girl!” Cai doted on the cat while ignoring Kelly’s laughter and Riley’s moans of pain. “I’m so sorry I forgot you. Aw, I missed you girl. Want some tuna? Of course you do! You love tuna. My sweetest sweet girl.” He dangled the smug beast over his shoulder as he left the room.

Kelly’s laughter died as the cat passed by. She gagged and backed away from the two. “Holy hell, I forgot she smells like she’s decomposing.”

“Thanks for getting her, ma’am.” Cai flashed the first genuine bright smile that Riley had seen in a year.

“Agent Marks,” she replied, eyeing the bed and then Riley. He didn’t know what she was implying, since he had the same damn suit on and had slept over his comforter while Cai had slept under it.

“Thank you, Agent Marks, then.” Cai continued on past her with the dog bouncing up and down behind him and the cat swiping at the air on the opposite side.

“What’s it attacking?” Kelly asked, looking around for whatever the cat had seen. “Is there a bug?”

Riley got up to get fresh clothes. “I haven’t had time to talk to him, Kelly. And right now, I need to shower. I’ve been wearing the same clothes for nearly forty-eight hours.” He opened the suit half of his closet and pulled out a dry clean bag with his black suit. A snappy ‘you gonna watch?’ died, unvoiced as he caught a look at her face. Her eyes were riddled with bloodshot and slightly hooded. The skin underneath was darker and heavier. “Hey, is Lena doing better?”

“She’s fine. It’s this case that’s taking a toll. None of FSI’s men are talking, if that’s who hired them. We don’t even know that for certain.” She clamped her mouth shut when Cai returned. He walked past her and Riley on the way to the bathroom. Before he closed the door, he asked, “Is Father Jeremy okay?”

“After rehab, he’ll be almost a hundred percent,” Riley said.

Kelly strode over and barred the door from closing with her foot. “Where are Julian Thompson and Rachel Lange?” She slapped her hand against the wood. “Where is Maxwell Porter.”

“Hm. Well, Father Jeremy would probably say that Maxwell Porter is burning in hell.” Cai cupped his hand over his mouth and whispered with a smile. “Tell your boss I’d like to send him some company.”

Kelly took a step back, her arm dropping to her side. Cai took advantage of her shock to close the door.

The room was dead silent until the shower turned on. Kelly stared at the door, unable or unready to speak. From the kitchen, the sounds of tin being dragged along the tile floor said that Fuzz was probably licking the tuna can.

“I don’t know what to make of that kid, Cordova.” Kelly rubbed her eyes and then dragged her fingers through her hair. It bounced up again to frame her face. “I just watched him baby-talk that cat which, by the way, could star in its own horror film. But he hugged it and nuzzled its rank furry face.” She patted her holster under her blazer absently. Cai did have a way of reminding people they might need a gun around him. “Then he intimates he wants to murder more people. Is he fucking with me?”

“Possibly,” Riley said. “Look, right now, Cai is an active grenade just trying to hold onto a loosening pin. You need to back off. Let me rein him in.”

“We are out of time, Riles. McCleary is not going to allow round the clock security past tomorrow. At least talk him into moving to the safe house with his family. He can’t still be trying to set himself up as bait?”

“He wouldn’t risk it. I think Thompson and Lange need him nearby. Or he needs something nearby. But, again, we won’t out-think him. He’s planned this for three years. Last night, we put up a roadblock. If we derail the rest of his plans, then we have a chance.”

“You agree with me, then, about Thomas Cole?”

“Yes, if you can flip Thomas we have a chance to force Cai to end this, and that will limit Julian Thompson’s options.”

“Thomas Cole may not know anything. This is a Hail Mary.”

“Doesn’t matter. His arrest is the fastest way to end Cai’s involvement. With him out of the picture, it could end Thompson’s crusade as well.”

“What makes you think that little psycho is going to go along with jail?”

He’d awoken to a cat, a dog, baby talk, scratched noses, and knees to the stomach. It had felt completely chaotic and totally normal. It had felt like family. Riley scratched his neck. He was ready for a relationship with Cai, but he wasn’t comfortable announcing it. He wouldn’t hide it either. “I’ll make him understand that it’s the only way he and I can move forward.”

Kelly shook her head and backed out of the room. With a single dismissive wave, she said, “This is so fucked up.” Then she closed the door.

* * *

Cai waited until he was sure Agent Marks had left. He checked his reflection in the full-length mirror and tried to adjust things to look sexier. Brushing his hair over his face, lowering the sweatpants below his hipbones. How much was too much? He twisted and turned. Butt crack was probably too much, he decided, pulling the pants up again. He’d seen porn once where the guy had held his t-shirt in his teeth to show off his abs. That had been pretty sexy. He arranged himself before he opened the door and then leaned against the frame. Riley’s reaction did not seem immediately lustful.

“What are you doing?”

Cai released the t-shirt and then had to spit out several strands of dog hair. “I’m…I’m seducing you? I don’t really know how to do it.” The cloth had dried his lips, and his tongue stuck to them. Probably the least sexy moment since being caught ‘adjusting’ things while Riley was on the phone with Peter. He tried again. “The shower’s hot?” That prompted the same expression as the phone incident. Why did Riley make this so difficult? Did he have to do that kinky stuff all the time? “Do... do you do it normally. I mean, can you do it...fucking...sex. Fucking... normal?” He wished the blushing would stop immediately, but only time and practice would solve that problem.

“I don’t know whether to laugh or be appalled, Cai.”

The laughing part rankled. He couldn’t help blushing and stammering. “I’m trying.” He was being assertive sexually, and Riley wasn’t taking him seriously. That was a problem. “I’m trying to stop.”

“Stop what?” Riley asked.

“It’s a circle. Sex, blush, and then jokes. There are these moments, with Julian, I mean, when I can tell there’s too many jokes in his head. He just stares at me, like his brain is filled with such a plethora of material that he can’t voice even one word. I need some form of inoculation or to do it myself.” That should clear things up.

“I’m sure that I’m going to regret asking this but, what?”

“Julian and sex.”

Riley went stone-faced and then got up. “Don’t elaborate.”

“Oh, no, I didn’t mean Julian and I having sex. I’d like to blush less, is all.”

“And having sex with Julian will accomplish that?”

“Well, it hasn’t so far.”

“Cai, for God’s sake, get to the point before I run out of hair and start pulling out my eyebrows.”

“Eyebrows are hair.”

“I’m out.” Riley turned on his heel and left the room.

From the kitchen, Cai heard Fuzz whining and barking as he usually did when his food was being made. The whole seduction moment was lost, and Cai wasn’t exactly sure why. Hadn’t Riley said they were going to try a relationship? Was it going to be a non-sexual relationship at first?

Cai leaned against the sink and tried to figure out where the conversation had gone wrong. Before he’d finished his recounting, Riley strode back in.

“You want to blush less about sex, and you believe that taking the initiative, joking, and talking more about it will give you some sort of immunity and that people, Julian in particular, will tease you less?”

“Yes. That’s what I said.”

“No, Cai, that’s not—” Riley seemed to fume. He closed his eyes, mouthed counting to ten quietly, and then asked, “What has that got to do with your appalling behavior?”

Well, now Cai was confused again. “I…you weren’t upset about the blushing making me seem young again?”

“No. I’m appalled that you’re trying to seduce me in broad daylight with FBI agents guarding the house inside and outside while trained mercenaries are out to murder you, your friends, and your family.”

“Oh. Yeah.” Cai winced. “In retrospect, that was fairly poor judgment.”

“Then why?”

He hated that he was about to depress the conversation yet again, but after so much lying, he wanted honesty between them as much as possible. “At some point they’re going to convince you that I am a ‘psycho’. I’m running out of time. I need to stuff every second with memories of us.” Tears squeezed through his lids as he tried to stem the flow. He’d cried so much the last few days. It kept draining his anger. He needed that rage.

“I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve read you wrong. I’m trying to view you with this new lens, but even you have misperceptions about yourself.” Riley gently cupped his cheek and tilted his face up. “Psychopaths don’t have such intense feelings of love that it makes them cry. Psychopaths don’t have empathy for cats. Sometimes you turn off your emotions and your empathy, but it’s there.”

“Oh, Riley.” Cai placed his palm against Riley’s chest. The tears flowed faster. “The first rule of realism is to paint what you see, not what you imagine. I need to know that you understand what I am. Maybe psychopath is wrong, but I’m close enough to the edge of it. I don’t feel remorse for the men I’ve killed. I don’t think about them at all, except with a sense of accomplishment. The only regrets I have are hurting my family and you, and that I will lose you after all of this. Because you have to know by now that you can’t be an FBI agent and be with me. They’ll never let you. Not after what I’ve done. Not after what I have to do. I made a promise. I can’t… That’s why I’m crying. That’s why I’m snatching at whatever time we have.”

Riley didn’t back away. He lifted Cai’s hand to his mouth, kissing the inside of his palm. “Ah Cai, your voice is so soft, but it can slice through joy like a razor blade.”

Dare had warned him that Riley would have to make a choice between the job and Cai. This would be the end, right? Sobs threatened Cai’s voice. He swallowed them down, but nothing could stem the tears. He felt the weight of fear trying to hold his head down as he lifted it to meet Riley’s eyes. Then he waited for goodbye.

* * *

Riley should have held back because Cai was a powder keg with a short fuse, but he charged ahead. His tone was remarkably calm despite how fucking pissed he was. “Do you think that if I quit the FBI, I’d overlook murder? That I’d think it justified? Let me disabuse you of that notion. My badge is not the source of my morality, Cai. It’s not the FBI that will keep us apart, it’s your decisions. Thomas Cole belongs in jail. Bad guys, all of them, belong in jail. That is the only justice I’m willing to be a part of. If you want any chance of an after, give me Thomas Cole, or give up on justice.”

“I can’t…let me think!”

“We’ve been in circles about this for the past twenty-four hours. I want an answer.”

“I made a promise.” Cai stared ahead while picking at his cuticles. After what felt like an eternity, he breathed out a thick, “Okay.” He bumped Riley’s arm as he walked past him but either was too dazed to notice or too angry to care.

Riley’s heart squeezed out several beats as fear closed off his lungs. He crossed the room and then gently pressed the door closed. “Don’t give up on us. Not for that waste of human skin.”

“I’m not. I said okay.” Cai squinted over his shoulder. “That’s…I meant okay, I’ll…I’ll try and…we’ll talk about it. Him.” He pointed at the door. “I’m just letting Begone in. Don’t you hear her scratching and howling?”

Riley hadn’t heard her. He’d been riveted in the moment, waiting for an answer. Backing up, he sank down onto the bed. He’d never let out so many shaky, relieved breaths in his life. “We just woke up and I’m exhausted.”

“Welcome to my past three years.” Cai cracked open the door and the cat slunk in. The dog nosed in afterward. The chase began immediately after that, with neither animal reading the room while happily wrestling the comforter into a pile.

“I needed something light,” Cai said, half-smiling while he watched. His eyes had a glaze of sadness, but he seemed strangely at peace. “I just needed the light first.” He sat on the floor across from Riley with one knee raised so he could pluck at the material of his pants. After a while, he said, “It seems too far to stop this thing. But you and me…we’re so close to starting. I owe something to Julian, though, don’t I?” He rubbed his face hard, like he wanted to pull the skin off. “It’s complicated. With everyone involved. It didn’t start that way.”

“How did it start?” Riley sent a litany of prayers to God.

“Iss is the one who taught me about cars and bikes. Did I ever tell you that? He treated me like an adult. Well, sometimes he did. I hung out at his place a lot.

“He sold everything—meth, pot, H. Rach had a gram a day habit back then. Iss charged her less ‘cause she was my friend and I was Peter’s brother. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop her. But at least I could be close by if she OD’d. And I knew Iss’s stuff was good. Best compromise I could ask for.” Cai shrugged and nodded to himself.

“I knew Peter’d broken up with him when he invited me the last time,” Cai continued, “but I was pissed. Peter told me not to go over there but I was sick of him telling me what to do. I didn’t know he’d set Iss up. Everything seemed normal. Rach and I got there, he tossed her a packet, and I went into his room to play some video games so I didn’t have to watch her get high. Same thing we always did. Except, he shut the door. Never did that before. I turned around to ask why, and he punched me so hard in the face it knocked me to the ground. I landed at some other guy’s feet. He had these sneakers with holes and his toe showed through. I keep remembering his toe because my lip bled on the filthy nail. Iss called him Tommy Tweak. I didn’t know who he was, but he said his name a lot during...it.” Cai’s voice lowered in an imitation. “‘ Hold him down, Tommy Tweak’ . He was dirty head to foot, bad teeth and gums, greasy hair. Antsy, like he was waiting for his score. So that’s…I thought he was just some random tweaker Iss controlled, like he controlled everyone who owed him money. Never thought I’d see him again. Never thought I’d learn who he was.”

Cai had never spoken about the rape, except to claim he dealt with it in therapy. Riley grew physically ill with the thought of what was to come, but he needed to listen to help Cai get past the rage. Past the need for vengeance. For Cai to get past any of that, he’d need to forgive his brother. “Did Prisc control Peter like that?”

“Nah. Peter controlled him.” A shrug. “Iss wanted Peter. Men, women, they always want Peter, sometimes to the point of obsession. I can’t imagine being him. It must be terrifying.”

“And dehumanizing,” Riley said.

“Yes. People like Iss see him as a trophy.” The artificial smile appeared, as if he’d summoned it from the photograph Riley had found in the loft. “He inspires insanity, but Iss would never have hurt him . Peter’s too beautiful. Iss hurt the person most precious to him.” Cai pressed his fingers into his closed eyelids and blinked away any emotion. “You know what’s funny?” He looked at Riley as if there was an answer to that question. “Iss actually thought that I would run home and tell Peter.”

Prisc Alvarado continued to damage everything he’d touched in life. Riley tried to keep his breath even and not voice the ache in his chest. “Peter can’t help what other people do.”

“You want me to be logical. To see it wasn’t Peter’s fault. My conscience tells me that. It does. It’s such a small voice, though. In here”—he tapped his forehead—“I know that all Peter had to do was tell me he’d planted that stuff in Iss’s house. I’d have known it’d be suicide to get near him. But Peter’s always protecting me. Always trying to keep me innocent. So, he kept that from me, too. And I got in the car with Iss, like I had dozens of times before. I let him take me to his house, like I had dozens of times before. And I let him—” His voice choked. He growled and ground his teeth again for a second. “And I let him lead me into his room, like I had dozens! Of times! Before! And because Peter was too precious and too pretty to hurt, he retaliated through me.” Riley started to get up. Cai held up a hand to stop him. “Don’t. I’ll break down if you touch me right now. I want to finish telling you what really happened. I’ve wanted to for so long.”

Against Riley’s every instinct, he sat back down, determined to be mindful of Cai’s choices. It was Riley who needed the comfort in any case. He knew he was just as guilty as Peter in trying to protect Cai. “I’m listening.”

“I know.” This time the smile was genuine, and it lifted some of the weight crushing Riley’s soul. “I haven’t thought about this in a long time. Couldn’t let myself think about it. I hated lying to you, even when it was white lies.”

“How much of what you told us was true?” Riley asked.

“Almost all of it.” The last gasp of daylight slashed through the blinds and striped the room. Cai stood up to look out the window, like he’d been drawn there by an invisible string. “It’s so serene outside.” He looked over his shoulder at Riley. “I feel like we should be out waiting for the stars, talking about the constellations, or racing to Casa Bonita like we did on Cecelia’s birthday.”

For the first time, Riley imagined them as a couple, and it made sense. They made sense. He wasn’t sure this certainty would last, but it was something to hold on to. “Did you meet Thomas at the fundraiser?”

“Yeah.” Cai let the blind fall shut and pushed his thumb into his opposite palm. The skin rasped and turned white. “He shook my hand. Looked right at me and shook my fr-fucking hand. Seven hours raping me, and beating me, and using me… he…he didn’t even recognize me.” Crossing his arms over his chest, Cai propped against the wall to peer between the window and blinds again. His face fell into shadow. “I looked at Tommy and had this flash of memory from when Leila blew a hole in Iss’s head. I’d felt cheated because I wanted to be the one to kill him, not watch from the shadows. But maybe it was even better that she was his wife ‘cause he thought he could appeal to her. He’d babbled and sobbed, begging her, them, everyone. I could have listened to that forever. But Detective Marco ruined it. He said ‘Finish it. This is sick.’ One moment Iss’s eyes are wide with fear and then”—Cai snapped his fingers—“nothing. I had this explosion of pure joy.” He breathed out a laugh. “Like the sun had burst inside me and burned a little of the pain away. But it was too short. And that’s what went through my mind when Tommy shook my hand. A vision of a gun against his head, and begging didn’t stop me. I just listened until my pain was satisfied before I pulled the trigger. And that image came with a moment of pure joy and the rest of the pain burned out too. Until he let go of my hand and shook the next person in line. The rage.” Cai choked on a sob. “If I painted it, I feel like the canvas would consume the whole world in fire.”

Riley heard his own breath coming through his nose like a bull ready to charge. Fear for Cai. Fear of Cai, mixed with anger at the whole situation. How he kept his voice even was a miracle. “Then what?”

“I needed a gun. I couldn’t take Austin’s, he had to register it with his PI license. Couldn’t ask Peter or Darryl, they’d both want to know why. So, I went to Rachel.”

“Did she get you one?”

“No, not for me. She followed Tommy to a club and—” Cai came out of his daze and turned to Riley. “You can’t use any of this against her.”

“I won’t make that promise,” Riley said. Though Tommy was alive, so whatever Rachel had done, it wasn’t successful. But if there was an open case somewhere… “Did she hurt anyone?”

Cai rested his head against the wall again. He sighed and murmured, “I assert my right to remain silent.”

“All right.” Riley was grateful he’d only had to read the details of the rape in a report. Cai’s injuries had been documented by nurses in a dry, clinical list—measurements of bruises, torn tissue, and swollen body parts. One thing had stood out: Patient unresponsive. Even McCleary had sworn in terse whispers while reading it. “Where’s your phone?” Riley asked. It was time to protect Cai, not his career.

After patting down his chest, Cai glanced at the bathroom before asking suspiciously, “Why?”

“Because you’ll need to call Angelica.” Riley got the phone from the front pocket of the overalls in the laundry basket and tossed it on the bed. “Tell her that you’re going to be questioned again. Today.”

* * *

Riley sat with his cold, clammy palms wrapped around a chipped mug. Across the plastic kitchen table, Austin stared back at him as if he, instead of Riley, awaited a response. The ancient space heater next to them blew flowered yellow curtains up and into his water. Riley moved the mug out of its way, which, for whatever reason, made Austin’s gaze go from placid to glare. Perhaps all of Cai’s family would perpetually glare at him for corrupting the supposed innocent lamb. The murdering, lying, deceitful, ‘innocent’ lamb.

In prior years, Riley had seen no reason to ingratiate himself with the people in Cai’s life. If he was honest with himself, he didn’t believe it was possible. Peter and Darryl not only distrusted law enforcement, they hated them. Austin had been forced to resign from the DPD, lost his opportunity to be an FBI agent, and then he had severed all connections to law enforcement. In three years, the only significant time Riley had spent with anyone in this family was when he’d been assigned to Rosafa Strakosha’s protection detail.

He and Cai had a rough road ahead. The decision about Thomas Cole wasn’t going to make it any easier.

“You want me to lie to Peter?” Austin finally asked, his voice low as the subject of their discussion was studying in the adjacent room. The farmhouse had thin walls.

“I would like you to keep this from him until we have Thomas Cole in custody.”

“Yeahhh, that’s not gonna happen. Here’s the thing, Cordova, Peter might go after Cole. I’ll do my best to stop him, but I won’t lie to him. I won’t keep things from him. That’s not how we work.” Austin lost eye contact. His gaze focused across the room. Riley turned to see Peter in the doorway. “That won’t ever be how we work.”

“Shit,” Riley muttered. He took a long drink from the mug while Peter took the seat next to Austin.

“Agents,” Austin addressed the two men sitting in the main living area. “Could you block the doors, please?”

“What happened, Austin?” Peter’s Tourette’s flared as he watched the two agents form a wall in front of the door and then he looked to both Riley and Austin. His nose twitched and he cleared his throat several times while the rest of his body went stiff as steel. “Is Cai hurt?”

“No, he’s fine. He’s safe,” Riley answered.

“I wanna see him.” Peter checked Austin again and seemed to read something he didn’t like. “Now!”

“I think it’s best to stay here until this is resolved,” Riley said.

The twitching got worse until Peter pinched the bridge of his nose. He cleared his throat again and again. Finally, he slammed his fist onto the table. “Where is he?” He pushed each shirt sleeve up to his elbows and pulled his arm back as if ready to take a swing. “Where the fuck is he?”

Two of the agents headed toward the kitchen until Riley waved them off. Damn. He’d gone about this wrong. “He’s fine. He’s with Angelica.”

While placing a gentle hand on Peter’s wrist, Austin kept his focus on Riley. “You’re going to start over, Agent Cordova. Pete is going to stay right here, because he knows how much I like to handcuff him.”

Peter shook off Austin’s hand. “The fuck off me. This ain’t funny.” He glared at Riley. “Why’s my brother with his lawyer instead of a safehouse?”

Trusting Austin to manage the situation, Riley recounted what information he had. He watched Peter for signs he was about to tear through the agents and out the door, but he remained stone still, so tense that the veins in his arms popped out. “I asked him to meet with Angelica,” Riley said. “If she approves, he’ll be brought to the police station to swear out a statement.” Riley held his hand up to stop an argument. He had to put his foot down somewhere. “Listen to me. If he thinks for a second that any of you will attempt some sort of retribution, he’ll get out in front of that. He’ll go after Cole, and he’ll end up in prison for murder.”

“That piece of shit doesn’t need to be arrested, he needs to be put down! And good luck proving Cai did anything. Dare and I will say we—”

“You see, Cordova,” Austin interrupted loudly, placing his chin in one hand. “What Pete means is that he in no way condones murder and agrees we will support any and all legal means for seeking justice in this matter. I’m rephrasing because Pete is kinda”—he twirled a finger at his temple and whistled—“when it comes to Cai.”

Peter took a step toward the door. “I am going —”

“—to sit your ass down!” Austin finished, standing up to grab Peter’s shoulders to shove him into a chair. “And then you’re going to think about visiting Cai in prison.”

“You think they’d outsmart him?” Peter directed a huffed laugh at Riley. “Not a chance.”

“Listen, he believes the right thing, the just thing, is killing Thomas Cole,” Riley said. “He believed the same about your father. What did he do after he shot him, Peter?”

“You don’t get him. You never will.”

“What did he do, is what I asked, Peter,” Riley said. “What did he do right after shooting your father in the head?”

“He confessed because at eight years old the worst that woulda happened is he’d end up in juvie. He knows better now.”

“Are you willing to risk it? Three days ago, during an FBI interrogation, he admitted to murdering a man. Yesterday, he intimated to my partner that he’d killed someone else and this morning he told her that he has a list of others.”

“He’s not under arrest?” Peter didn’t wait long for an answer. “I didn’t think so. Whatever you think you know, he is twenty steps ahead. Hell, he’s probably a thousand steps ahead.”

Austin held a finger up, quieting Peter. “What murders are we talking about that he’s actually confessed to committing?”

“One of the gunmen from the encounter at the Thorpe estate and the head of security for FSI whom we believe Walter Cole sent after Julian Thompson.”

“Yeah, I’m having trouble finding a fuck to give,” Austin said. “I could credit you one, for when he hurts someone that doesn’t deserve it.”

Peter’s mouth tilted up for a second but returned to the cold glare. “Bring him here, Agent Cordova. He belongs with us.”

“He belongs to me.” Riley winced. “With me. He belongs with me. If you want to keep him out of jail, you’ll help me get Julian Thompson or the hard drive he’s holding. And Cai needs you there when he swears out his statement.”

“I agree,” Austin said.

“I don’t!” Peter smacked the coffee cup out of Riley’s hand. It smashed against the sink cabinets and fell into pieces across the stained linoleum. Riley once again had to stave off the agents in the living room. “You just don’t get it,” Peter said with a snarl. “I told you to stay away from him. If he’s in danger of going to jail, you’re the reason. He wouldn’t confess to anyone but you. This is your fault.”

Riley clasped his hands and kept his voice soothing and calm. “We can discuss it later. Right now—”

“And it’s my fault. I couldn’t keep him away from you. A fucking army couldn’t keep him away from you.” Peter tapped his temple. “I counted on whatever was going on up here with you to stop it. That good old Catholic guilt or whatever made you send him away.”

Acid seized Riley’s stomach. The clamminess from his hand spread to his forehead and neck. He was terrified of what Peter was going to say about Cai and how it might warp his view about their future.

“I want you to pay careful attention to the words I use here, Agent Cordova.” Peter drew out ‘agent’ like it fouled his mouth to utter the word. “Cai is not like you. He is not like any of us. He can flip a switch and make all the bad go away, or he can ignite hotter than the sun if someone hurts the people he loves. If something happens to you, he will annihilate everyone in his path for vengeance without a thought for his own safety. He will burn the world down.”

Riley swallowed an accusation he could level right back but considering the rage that Cai had festering against Peter, he let his own go. “I believe you, but he’s been in love with me, according to both you and him, for three years. Nothing has changed, except the chance I might love him back.” Or maybe he already did. Maybe he always had loved Cai.

“This is what I mean by you don’t understand him. He belongs to you by choice. But you were safe because you never chose to belong to him. That’s how his mind works. The moment you change the rules, the moment you say that you belong to him, you become his responsibility. Whatever happens to you becomes his responsibility.”

Riley tried to think of the implications of Peter’s warnings. It explained why Cai protected Julian while leaving himself open and unprotected. Was he supposed to let go because Cai’s morality had been warped by his mobster parents and two morally dubious teenage caretakers?

“What I would like to know is this.” Austin looked between Riley and Peter. “Why must this shit happen while we’re already in the middle of the shitstorm? See, there was a whole three-year period in which no one had guns, no one was killing anyone, no one was in a safe house, and in those three years, none of this could get aired out?”

The three years Cai was planning how to murder Thomas Cole? Those peaceful years? “You’re right,” Riley said. He sensed his future held a lot of situations where he’d have to defuse by way of ignorance. “We need to put a hold on this conversation until later. It’s probably moot anyway. I agreed to something that Cai may never forgive me for.”

“Pete, can you sit the fuck down,” Austin ordered. Miraculously, Peter obeyed and Austin continued, “If he’s agreed to the arrest, then you must be concerned about a deal?”

“Yes. My partner suggested that after Thomas Cole is in custody, we—” Riley paused to gain control over his emotions. “That she should leverage a plea in order to get his father and any co-conspirators. It’s the fastest way to neutralize Walter Cole and keep Cai, and all of you, safe.” Riley clasped his hands and took a breath. “But it may result in little to no jail time for the rape.”

“I think we’re just fine with that.” Peter set his palms on the table and leaned in close to Riley. His lips slowly curled up, revealing a set of white, glossy teeth before he whispered, “Set him free.”

“I’m living with a character from a Tarantino movie,” Austin said, rolling his eyes. “What did you need from us?”

“You can’t be serious?” Peter hissed.

“Get Julian Thompson to bring you the hard drive and any other evidence, or convince Darryl to bring him in,” Riley answered.

“I already gave you guys the motel I tracked them to.”

“They weren’t there. I believe Cai warned them. I haven’t been able to find out how. I’m sure he knows we let him keep his phone so we can monitor it. He hasn’t texted or phoned anyone for two days.”

“Twenty steps ahead, Agent Cordova,” Peter taunted.

Riley didn’t keep the bite out of his words. “How many more of Cole’s men are out there? What do you think happens when they come after you? After me? What I think will happen is Cai will go after them alone. What do you think, Peter? Does that sound like Cai?”

Peter grew pale, his mouth falling open.

“Once you’ve answered that question, ask yourself how long can the FBI fund round-the-clock protection? And remember, he hasn’t witnessed anything Walter Cole has done, so there’s no offer for Witness Protection. But we both know, he’d never take that offer anyway.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Scooting out from the table, Peter took the phone from his pocket. “I’ll get Dare to meet us in town, but do not tell him about the arrest. The last thing you want is him within spittin’ distance of anyone who hurt Cai.” He typed into his phone. “And me ‘n Austin are comin’ to the station.”