Not So Innocent (Shattered Glass #2)

Chapter Thirty-Four

Day 1

“No, please. No! Riley!” The restraints around Cai’s wrists clinked against the metal. He became increasingly louder and higher pitched. “Help me! No! Get away! You want me to be sick! Riley, please. Please, help me. Get him away! Get away!” The door closed, leaving Peter inside with Cai’s screams and accusations.

Riley sagged into the seat next to Austin. Lethargy trapped his body but left his mind to race. What happened now? How long would this last? Could it get worse? Worse than this? “Peter going to be okay?” he asked.

Austin shook his head but didn’t, or couldn’t, speak. He pressed a thumb into the palm of his hand and pushed like it was a pressure point to be relieved. Riley had seen Cai do the same thing. He wondered who got it from whom.

Jeremy wandered to the windows, pretending to admire the view through the blurred glass. They were all looking to distract themselves while fear and dread lay siege around them.

“We can make it eight weeks,” Austin finally said. It was more a question than a statement.

Inside the room, the restraints rattled again. Cai’s shouts carried past the door. “God won’t let you. I’m the angel. I’m the Angel of Death. Look at me! I’m the angel. I’m the angel.”

Can we make it eleven weeks?

Riley got up, needing movement. When Jeremy came toward him he said, “Stay. I need the exercise.” He wanted the pain while he walked. To think about sweat and torn sutures rather than Cai’s torment.

At the far end of the blue-sky hall, the elevator dinged loudly. Julian pushed Rachel’s wheelchair out and through the fading sunshine. She wore a patch over one eye, and her hair had been shaved where they’d sewn her ear together and back onto her head. It had so many sutures it resembled Frankenstein’s monster. She pointed at the glint of braces in her mouth, then held up a tablet that asked, “How is he?” in a mechanical voice.

“Her jaw’s been wired shut,” Julian explained. “Thought we’d have a moment without being patriarchal bastards, but nah. She’s got Siri telling me I’m privileged. Me. A black man. Uncanny.”

“Shut your piehole. Siri? As if I’d use any of that capitalist garbage.” To Riley, she made a gesture that essentially meant, “Well?”

“He’s alive.” Was that all that mattered? What else could he say? The person in there had the same voice, the same hair, the same face, but it wasn’t Cai. “You can see him after Peter and Austin.” Riley gave them both a rundown of rules for visitation.

“Will he listen to us?” Julian asked. “Will he remember?”

“I didn’t think to ask,” Riley said. “He remembered things from his other episodes. I imagine this will be the same.”

“He’ll remember,” Peter answered. His face had paled, and his eyes were red from repeated rubbing. He cleared his throat. The tics that gave him the nickname ‘Rabbit’ took over all the muscles in his face. He jerked his head several times and gave a small bark before frustration made him walk off.

“Go on in,” Riley said. “I’m going to read for a bit.”

* * *

Riley was last to enter the room. He took the chair near the window and closest to the bed. It was still warm from Julian or Rachel. Moonlight filtered through the curtains, coating the air with silver light. No sunny walls here. Pure white surrounded him, with several square shadows where paintings had been removed. He’d watched the orderlies carry out other things, too. Glass vases. A television. Table lamps. Each one a reminder that Cai was a danger to himself. For everyone else, this day was a miserable blip in their existence. For Riley, this was one of many days that his future held. Another minefield.

He stared at Cai’s bloodied cuticles and torn nails, still trying to figure out what he wanted to say. What not to say. What not to think. How to feel.

How not to feel.

Anguish. He was drowning in it.

God, what I’d give to feel nothing right now.

Cai stared at the ceiling, worshiping whatever he saw floating above him. He was oblivious to Riley. Tears of joy streamed down his temples, and his eyes were wild with awe. Hoarse from screaming all day, his words scraped his throat— bits of the Qur’an, the Bible, something in French. He’d pieced together different prayers into a jumble of nonsense.

This thing is not Cai.

Riley hated that dark thought. That is Cai. He’s in there. Though he tried to correct himself, but it lingered in the far recesses of his mind.

Alone in the darkened room with Cai’s hand close enough to take, Riley quietly cried. He let the tips of his fingers brush the edge of Cai’s palm. Bring him back to me, God.

“Riley?”

“I’m here.” Hope ripped a jagged edge through the despair. He wiped his face quickly, taking a breath and pushing a smile through.

“Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. You can help! If you take the blue one. The blue wire. Take the blue wire out. Take it out.” He shook his wrists. “See it? The blue wire in there.”

The blue wire? Riley tried to listen to the words, what Cai was saying underneath. He eventually figured out the blue wire was the vein in his arm. The Crazy telling him voices were in his veins. What could he do with that, though?

“Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. You can fix it. Fix it. The blue wire. They put it there, and they’re all talking to me. Can’t think. All at once. Can’t hear Papa.” Cai stopped suddenly and looked sideways. He nodded, then shook his head and jerked at his bindings at the same time. “No no no no. No! Riley. Riley. Riley. Please help me.” Sobbing now. “The blue wire! See it? In my arm. The blue there. Pull it out. Please. Please, help me. Help me. I’m the angel. I’m the angel. Help me!”

What had Kate said to do? Riley couldn’t think.

“The blue. The blue! The blue!” If Cai still had his voice, his screams would have rattled the windows. His face turned a mottled red. “The blue! The blue! The blue!”

Riley got up and left the room. His legs were weak, barely holding him up, and his whole body shook. Each breath came through chattering teeth. His recovery was going slow, but it didn’t account for the entirety of his reaction.

Jeremy woke from the chairs he’d laid across and rushed to him. “Breathe. It’ll be okay.” He led Riley close to the windows. “Deep breaths. In, out.”

Eleven weeks? He’d barely lasted twenty minutes in there.

That was a pathetic attempt. Do better.

Riley looked around the empty wing. He was surprised to see Kate leaving her office. After she locked it, she squinted down the hall at them, and then came over. Her hand was gentle but firm as she curled it around his forearm. “How are you doing, Riley?”

“I need some sleep,” he answered. Did she hear the cracks in his voice? She waited for something. “I fucked up,” he said. “I couldn’t think. Couldn’t remember what I was supposed to do.”

“Listen,” she said. “Did you do that?”

“Yes.”

“That’s all you’re supposed to do. It’s my job to do the rest.” She pulled her phone out of her soft bag. “I’ll send you some material to read, and there’s a support group. But, Riley, you don’t need more than your ears and heart for this. I think you’ve got an abundance of the last part.”

“I’ll be back tomorrow,” Riley said.

“Good.” She squeezed his arm. “He’ll be tapered off soon, and I’ll be starting him antipsychotics, then mood stabilizers. It will be a slow change but, hopefully, all uphill.” She handed him a sheet of paper. “This is his schedule for therapy and medication. I’ve marked off times that you, personally, can visit. Not all day, please. Peter assured me that he’d coordinate a schedule for the rest of the family.”

Jeremy, in a less petulant mood, helped Riley all the way back to his hospital bed without comment. He returned to the armchair and picked up a book. The silence wasn’t a surprise. Jeremy had always known the kind of support to offer those in need.

In what seemed like an inevitable end to this day, Riley stared at the ceiling, overcome with grief and hopelessness.

Day 24

Outside Cai’s room, Peter engaged in a friendly conversation with Kate. Riley knew it was friendly because Peter wasn’t glaring. Austin sat on the shared sofa with Julian and Rachel. Still no Darryl? Had he been sneaking in during the night?

“Good. We’re all here,” Kate said. Her blue eyes practically danced. “We had a small breakthrough today. We’re going to continue adjusting his medication, so don’t expect miracles, but I think we can modify his schedule so that you can all visit more often.”

“He’s moved out of his manic state?” Riley asked.

“I’m cautiously optimistic. Now we wait for the medication to do its job.”

Thank you, God. “Could he go back into a manic state?”

“That would be highly unlikely. Let’s not dwell on ifs.” She handed them new papers with a schedule blocked off in two colors. “You can visit within the hours in blue. I’ll ask that Riley and Peter be the only ones to visit several times a day for the time being.”

“What about his cat?” Riley asked. “I read that therapy animals can help sometimes.”

“As a therapeutic smelling salt?” Austin asked without looking up from the paper. “Also,” he whispered, “it’s not a cat.”

Riley chuckled, despite his mood. He’d had a bad night with Cai, who’d screamed at him to get out. Because he was sound asleep at the time, Cai had gone practically rabid when he didn’t move fast enough. They’d had to restrain him again.

“We can bring the cat, but I want to wait until he’s moved to my clinic.” Kate said. “When he’s evened out some, we’ll consider the move and the cat. Okay? I’ll see you two in the morning.”

After she walked off, Riley grabbed the chair next to Austin. “You go on in, Peter,” he said.

“Thanks.” Peter checked his pockets and then handed his phone and belt to Austin before he went inside.

“Still no job?” Austin asked.

“Academy application is due by the first week in May.”

“They don’t accept cadets the same year. That means you have more than a year, if you get in?”

“I expect so, yeah,” Riley said. “I’ll figure something out.”

“I heard you might eventually have some problems with your mortgage.”

“You heard, did you?” Riley leaned forward to glare at Julian. He was met with the back of his afro while Julian stared at another patient’s room down the hall. “Or did someone go through my mail when I was kind enough to let him sleep on the couch?”

“I did not look through your post.” Julian whipped back around with a transparently false affronted expression. “It was sitting there at the breakfast table, and the cat jumped up and knock—” He gave up reenacting whatever story he’d concocted and shrugged. “Yeah, no, I had a peek. To be fair, I did work quite hard on the cat story.”

Riley leaned back and rolled his eyes. He was used to nosy families. “I’m fine.”

“I’m sure you are. I bought your mortgage.” Austin got up quickly, as if he expected a punch.

Riley buried his irritation. Austin responded to every crisis by throwing money at it. He could hardly stay mad, especially considering it meant Austin thought of him as family. “Thank you. I’ll continue making payments to you then.”

Austin started to say something and then made a sound with his teeth and tongue. “Whatever.” He stretched his neck like he was uncomfortable in his own skin. “It cost about an hour’s worth of interest.”

Riley chuckled again, because Austin had no idea he’d just insulted Riley’s house.

Day 40

In recent weeks, Cai turned his back when Riley sat down. He stared at the wall, letting his dull, greasy hair hang over his eyes. The room smelled of urine and body odor because Cai wouldn’t leave his bed even to use the bathroom and the only way to clean him was by force.

Riley sat in the quiet for the first few minutes, mourning the the loss of Cai’s scent. Every day more of the man he loved disappeared. So much loss.

All the things he needed to talk about, Riley shared in silence to Cai’s back.

It’s been a terrifying couple of weeks, trying to figure out what I’d do when my savings runs out and I can’t pay the mortgage.

I don’t have a job for another fourteen months. When I do, I’ll be making forty thousand less a year. One income at that salary. If you get sick again…

Of course, Austin solved the mortgage problem in less than thirty seconds. But I have other bills and I don’t want to rely on someone else to pay them.

I was at the dining room table this morning, thinking about all this, scared out of my mind, when it occurred to me—I have no idea what you want to do with your life. And I started thinking about the last time I asked that question.

You were finishing painting Austin’s mural, barely paying attention to what I was saying.

I asked if you were going to art school.

You said, ‘yes, I think so’. With your head tilted and full concentration on the wall.

I asked something like, ‘and after that?’

You didn’t turn around. Didn’t miss a beat with your answer. “Probably nothing. I don’t expect I have much of a life expectancy. My bipolar is pretty bad.”

You were so nonchalant it shocked me, I didn’t respond.

Dammit, Cai, it is not inevitable that you die young. It is not inevitable!

You will never be off your pills again! No more candy. No more self-medication. You will get better. You will come back to me. We will grow old together.

When he could speak without breaking down, he did it while looking at Cai’s immaculate fingernails.

“Fuzz is a little perturbed that Begone stole his cage. She’s more than willing to share but he sits outside it and howls. Yesterday he took the blanket out just to spite her. He didn’t even lay on it. I have a video of her trying to drag it back while walking on it at the same time.”

He continued with the mundane conversation for the next few hours while his crumbling life waited outside the door.

Day 93

After the first month, Riley ate his lunch in Cai’s room at noon every day, to establish a schedule. It was after two when he got there today. He wiped the spit off Cai’s mouth and the crusted tears from his cheek. “Sorry I’ve been late so much.”

Today was a restraint day, and he’d just missed Peter to find out what happened. He checked Cai’s wrists for abrasions and blisters. “I have good news. I didn’t want to say anything until it was a done deal. My father, through some miracle, got me into this year’s Academy. In the summer, I’ll start the twenty-eight week training there, and then you’re looking at the newest recruit to the Denver Police Department.” Couching his demotion as great news proved less difficult in light of Cai’s regression.

The nurses had closed the curtains, but the sun snuck warmth in anyway. Summer had arrived early, and this new room had a view of the blooming grass and flowers. Riley drew open the drapes. He had a good feeling about today, despite the restraints.

Cai sobbed and turned his head away.

Riley took a seat and spoke through the crying and the rattle of chains. He told Cai about the cat, the dog, Julian, Rachel, and even the flowers he’d planted in the front yard.

When he got home, Riley sank onto the bed gazed at the floor until his vision blurred. Fuzz dog crept under his arm and the cat climbed on his knee to stretch and lick his face.

The next day he took Begone to Cai.

Day 135

Begone bumped her head under Cai’s chin and purred. He reached out and wrapped his arm around her, crying into her fur. “Hey, girl,” he whispered. “Where’s Riley?”

He doesn’t love you. Who could love you like this? You took his career. You took his life.

He brought me Begone.

When did he bring me Begone?

To get her out of his house. So there’s nothing left of you there.

That’s not Riley. He wouldn’t do that.

Cai looked for his cell phone, then realized they wouldn’t have it here. He picked up the remote off the nightstand to call the nurse.

Go on, call. He’ll send you to Peter and Austin. You’re crazy. No one should have to deal with you. He’s met someone.

Someone better.

Cai put the remote back and hugged Begone tight. She turned to lick the tears from his cheeks, then squirmed out of his embrace to yowl near an empty food bowl with a bag of cat food next to it. It took him a few hours to get up and feed her. He crawled back into bed afterward.

Day 162

Cai got out of bed to sit in the chair facing the window. He brought his legs to his chest and peeked out between the curtains. Sunlight slid along his cheek. He pulled the curtains open almost all the way. Deep green grass with bright pink and yellow flowers beckoned him. Maybe he could go for a walk.

Begone stole his spot in the bed, crawling deep under the covers. He watched her for a while, his chest warming. “Dunno which of us stinks more,” he told her. How long had he worn these sweatpants? In the window’s reflection, he caught a slight smile turning up his mouth.

Where is Riley? He usually comes earlier.

Left you. For good.

No. He loves me.

Then where is he?

“Cai.” Peter cleared his throat. He stood in the doorway, plastic bag in one hand.

“Hey, Rabbit.”

“Hey.”

Cai understood what Peter needed, and he stood slowly on wobbly legs. “Okay,” he said, waiting until Peter’s arms were around him to do the same. The hugs were always awkward, but welcome. He buried his eyes in his brother’s shoulder, smelled his aftershave. Peter shook with soundless cries. His fists tightened in Cai’s t-shirt. “Sorry, Rabbit.”

It felt like hours before Peter let him go. His blue eyes were clear as the sky when he did. Cai reached out to wipe the stains from his brother’s cheek. “Where’s Riley?” he asked.

“There was a small fire at the motel last night. Everyone’s fine. Austin is doing his thing. Riley is doing the repairs. He’ll be here, later tonight or tomorrow morning. I’ll call him.”

“Dare?”

Peter shrugged and crossed his arms. “In the wind.”

Something too terrible to say aloud hid in his sudden defensive posture. He apparently didn’t think Cai was ready to know what happened with their brother.

Cai didn’t think he was ready to hear it either.

Day 164

Cai had fallen asleep in the chair watching the sunset. When he woke up, the moon was in the sky with the sun threatening it from below. Peter’s cell phone vibrated where he’d passed out on the sofa. Cai turned it to read Riley’s number on the screen. He popped his lip in his mouth and looked outside.

By the time he’d finished his shower, Peter hadn’t woken up. He didn’t want to accidentally wake him and have to stay and talk. His only thought was Riley. The thought of seeing him both terrified and excited him. He tip-toed to the closet and pulled out a t-shirt sweatpants, getting them on with difficulty since he was wet.

“I’ll be back to get you,” Cai whispered to Begone curled asleep in the bed. He walked over to his brother and kissed his forehead, then he pushed out the door and ran toward the sunrise.

* * *

Riley tried Peter’s cell one more time and watched the screen while he finished tying his sneakers. His mom crossed the patio in front of him on her way to the restaurant with brooms and mops in each hand. His dad rolled behind her carrying the dustpans in his lap. After pulling a cotton t-shirt over his head, Riley kissed his mom’s cheek as she walked by. “I’m going to the hospital for the day. You okay for now?”

Cecelia emerged from her room, zombie-walking past their parents, her slippers stopping their shuffle as she squinted toward the street. “Coffee?” she asked no one in particular.

“In the kitchen,” Mom answered. To Riley she asked, “Are you running there, mijo?”

“Yeah, the new clinic is only two miles away. I’ll be back late. Write a list of repairs for me, and I’ll get to them first thing tomorrow morning.”

“Cai?” Cecelia asked. Her head tilted.

They all turned to the figure outlined by the sunrise a hundred feet away. Wet t-shirt. Saggy sweatpants. Bare feet.

The loud drum of Riley’s heartbeat drowned out the rest of the world. He took off running as if the mirage would disappear before he could get there. When he drew near, he slowed, stopping with barely an inch separating them. Afraid to move, afraid he’d wake up, he froze.

“Too much? Am I?” Cai panted, out of breath. “I’m too much?” Nearly ninety degrees outside but Cai shivered. “I’m scary,” he whispered. Squinted. Nodded. “I know. Don’t— Please don’t.”

Don’t leave. Don’t be scared. Riley could read that mess of a speech clear as if Cai had spelled it out. He stepped forward, hand sliding through Cai’s slick hair. “Cai.” Drops of water spilled over his knuckles and created a path down his arms. “I thought I’d lost you.”

“Oh. You’re crying.” Cai bounced on his toes and back onto the pavement. “Thoughts. I had silly thoughts. You do. You still love me.” He twisted his fingers together, chest shaking with heavy breaths. “I couldn’t wait. If you didn’t want me. I had to know. If you—”

“Shut up,” Riley said, dragging his thumb over Cai’s mouth.

The grey eyes hooded. “Oh, but I—”

“Just shut up.” Riley leaned in, their breaths mingling. “Participate,” he whispered.

Cai flung his arms around Riley as their lips met.