Chapter Fifteen
A lli sighed and re-crossed her legs. Lex just watched her, eyes curious, but not speaking.
“Well, it’s just plain weird to sit here and say nothing,” Alli finally said.
Lex smiled. “It’s your session, Alli.”
“Jesus Christ, then ask me something. I can’t sit here for an hour with you staring at me like I’m some kind of circus attraction.”
Not exactly the plan. But it did feel weird. And Alli felt on-edge for some reason that she couldn’t define.
“Alright,” Lex said. “It’s not a question, more of an observation. Many people that come through this program deny that they get angry at all, or say that they don’t get angry enough for it to be a problem. You’re not like that.”
Alli shrugged. “I get angry, I know that. I’m not going to deny it.”
“And you see anger as… a tool?”
She shrugged again. “Sure. Just like any other emotion. You’ve never pretended to like something or be happy about something to please someone else?”
“Have you?” Lex asked.
Alli bit her lip and looked away.
“I do have a question, as it goes,” Lex went on. “You were ‘sent here,’ your words, by your boss. Was there anyone else in your life that thought you might have a problem?”
The little room was warm and Alli crossed her legs again. “No,” she said shortly.
“Friends? Family? No one close to you expressed any concern about your anger?”
“No,” Alli said shortly again.
“I see.” Lex looked at her again. “Is that because they don’t think you have an issue? Or is it because you don’t let anyone get close enough to experience your anger?”
Alli didn’t answer this. She didn’t need cut-rate therapy. She needed out of here. She was just counting the minutes until she’d get her phone back, going through the motions so that if Darren called she’d get a good report.
“Okay,” Lex said after a few seconds of silence. “A different question then. Anger as a tool. Where do you think you learned this?”
That seemed a less revealing question. “I think I’ve always known,” Alli said. “I mean, all children throw tantrums, don’t they?”
“And your parents were… easy to manipulate in this way?”
Alli snorted. “My parents weren’t around. But if you mean my teachers, then yes, some of them.”
“Teachers? You went to boarding school?”
“From seven until eighteen, the whole time.” Alli glared at her. “If you’re about to blame everything on that, you’d be wrong.”
“Boarding school has many advantages,” Lex said calmly. “An excellent education, teaching independence and yet strengthening bonds through co-living.”
“Right,” Alli said, slightly mollified.
Lex scribbled something down in her notebook, then looked up. “How do you think people feel when you get angry with them?”
Alli opened her mouth to answer, then realized she’d never actually thought about it before.
“Angry in return?” Lex offered.
She saw Bea’s face crumple, saw the tears start to glint in her eyes. “Scared,” she said without thinking.
“Perhaps,” agreed Lex. “Is that how you’d like people to feel when they see you?”
“Perhaps,” mimicked Alli. She sighed. “Dunno. Maybe. Sometimes. It depends on the person.”
Lex nodded. “You’re a woman, you work in a male-dominated field, I can see how anger can be a useful defense mechanism.”
“You can?” Alli looked at her with more interest.
“Of course,” Lex said. “When it’s used in a controlled way. When it’s out of control, that’s another issue, isn’t it? Presenting an uncontrolled picture to the world can’t be something that a person as self-contained and independent as you can want.”
“Huh.” Alli leaned forward a little. “I can’t say that I’ve ever thought about that.”
“Think on it,” Lex said. “Give it some thought before our next session. Think about how anger might be reined in and used as a tool, rather than letting it overcome us and use us instead.” She narrowed her eyes a little. “Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?”
“No,” Alli said quickly.
“Are you sure? Nothing that’s changed since you’ve been here? No comments from the others? Nothing in your program experience that you think might be important?”
The only thing that had changed since she got here was her lack of work.
Oh, and… and the dream.
But that was surely nothing. A mental glitch. A moment of stupidity. Or something. She could feel it in her bones, could feel the heat of it, could almost feel her hands running over her own skin, could almost imagine that they weren’t her hands at all, that…
“Alli?”
She took a breath. “Yeah?”
“You look a little flushed, that’s all.”
“I’m fine.”
“Sure? ”
She puffed out a breath. “Fine. Completely fine. And frankly, I really don’t need to be psychoanalyzed by someone who’s all of twelve. Are you even old enough to drink?”
“Do you drink?” Lex asked.
“What the fuck? What? That was not a segue into potential alcoholism. It was a dig, an insult,” Alli said, getting angrier by the second.
“I know,” was all Lex said in return.
“Jesus, I give up.” Alli stood up. “I’m done here.”
“It’s the end of our session anyway,” Lex said calmly. “You can see yourself out.”
Which just made things worse, because someone not responding to anger just made Alli seethe inside.
She was bubbling and boiling as she marched out of the room and down the corridor. So angry that she almost missed the low whisper of her name.
“Alli!” hissed a voice. “Alli!”
She looked around and finally saw a face in the crack of a door. The door opened further, and Daria beckoned her inside. Curious, Alli went in.
Daria was… not around much. They’d had meditation and relaxation classes with her. But given that neither of those things required much talking, Alli felt that she didn’t really know the woman. She was attractive enough, small and dark, with quick eyes and long fingers. Her voice was low and soft, but that was as far as Alli was prepared to go in her descriptions.
It wasn’t helped by the fact that she’d never seen Daria outside of class until now. She seemed to scurry away elsewhere when she wasn’t needed.
“Um, hello,” Alli tried.
Daria looked up and down the corridor before closing the door quietly behind them. “I might be able to help you.”
Alli rolled her eyes. “No and no. If you think that extra meditation is what I need then you’re dead wrong. I’ll be honest with you, I don’t really meditate even in class. I just sit there and think about Game of Thrones or something else equally epic until you let me go again.”
“I’m not talking about meditation,” Daria said. She was leaning back against the door.
“What are you talking about then?”
“Helping you,” said Daria, looking slightly shifty. “With your little problem.”
“What problem would that be?” Alli was starting to get angry again, starting to move toward the door.
“Jesus, do I need to spell it out for you?” Daria also looked… not exactly pleased.
“Well, yes, probably,” Alli said. “Since I’ve not got the first clue what you’re talking about.”
“Do you want to get out of here or don’t you?”
Alli stopped in her tracks. Ah. That sort of help. “I want out,” she said cautiously, because she wasn’t entirely sure that Daria was to be trusted.
“I can do that. I can get you out for five thousand.”
“Pounds?” It sounded a ridiculous amount of money. “Are you dazzling Josh with diamonds so he doesn’t see me leave?”
“No,” Daria said somewhat patiently. “I’m getting you out. With a certificate that says you’ve completed the program.”
That was different. Alli’s heart started to beat a little faster. But she was a businesswoman. “A thousand.”
Daria squinted at her, chewing the inside of her cheek. “You want out or not?”
Five thousand pounds to not have to spend the next week and a half here. It wasn’t that much, she supposed. “Three thousand.”
“Four.”
“Deal.”
There was a moment of silence, as though they were both thinking about what they’d agreed to.
“So, when do we start? Now?” Alli asked hopefully.
Daria sniffed. “We start when the money’s in my account. You can put the cash on a pre-paid Visa and have it sent to my email.”
“Right.” Alli waited a heartbeat. “Um, I’ll need my phone to do that.”
“That’s your lookout,” said Daria, turning to the door. “Get someone on the outside to do it for you and pay them back.”
Which she would if she thought anyone would actually do that for her.
“Otherwise, deal’s off,” Daria added, turning the door handle.
“No, wait, I’ll get it,” Alli hurriedly said.
Daria pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket. “Here’s the email. I’ll come get you once I see the money.” And she slipped out of the door.
Alli breathed deeply, the paper crumpled in her hand. Alright, this was what she’d wanted. She could get out, she could go back to her own life, not have to worry about this anymore. It was almost like a dream come true.
Even thinking the word dream made her legs feel weak and her center feel hot and liquidy.
She swallowed. Alright. She could do this. She could be out and putting all of this behind her by tonight.
Opening up the door, she went out into the corridor. Out tonight. As long as Bea came through and got her her phone like she promised. Alli grinned to herself. Bea would do it. She thought back to the session with Lex. Bea would do it because she was afraid of Alli.
Yet somehow that thought didn’t make her feel an awful lot better about things. How odd.