Chapter Thirty Five
S he’d just walked away. That simple. That easy. But Alli’s heart broke a little more with every step that she took. With every inch she moved away from Bea, her chest tightened until she was swallowing, trying desperately, and futilely, to stop herself crying.
This was so ridiculous, she told herself. So stupid. It was one person, one woman. How could it mean so much?
And if it did mean so much, why hadn’t she said anything? Why hadn’t she made her voice heard, spoken her truth?
Hot tears escaped from her eyes and she stopped in the middle of the pavement, trying to get control of herself. Trying so hard to make sense of this new world that didn’t have Bea in it any longer.
Trying so hard to contain herself that when something rushed at her from behind, when someone pulled at her shoulder, when someone wrapped her in warm arms, she didn’t understand for a moment what was happening.
Until she smelled the scent of Bea and finally, inevitably, lost control.
She didn’t know how long she spent sobbing on Bea’s shirt, clinging to her like a life raft, shuddering and trying to catch a breath .
“I’m here now,” Bea breathed into her hair. “It’s alright, I’m here.”
Alli pressed her closer, like she was trying to meld herself to Bea, like she never wanted her to leave again.
“I’m here,” Bea said again. “It’s okay. I’m here.”
???
Bea held her until she could finally breathe, until Alli raised her head and Bea had to laugh. “Don’t you look a sight?” she said. She fumbled in her pocket and found a tissue, handing it over so that Alli could wipe her face. “Here, come on.”
She took Alli’s hand and led her over to a bench, sitting them both down. In truth, she was afraid. Seeing Alli like this had frightened her. Not because of her feelings. Those were, for once, glitteringly clear. But because she hadn’t quite realized how fragile Alli was.
“Deep breaths,” she said, taking Alli’s hand.
“That’s what my anger coach always says,” said Alli. “You’d think that deep breaths were the solution to all the world’s problems. Nuclear threat? Deep breaths. Religious war? Deep breaths.”
“Break your girlfriend? Deep breaths,” Bea said.
Alli looked at her. “Don’t,” she said, pain raw in her voice.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t use that word if you don’t mean it,” said Alli. “I can’t take it, I just can’t. I know that I’m angry and bossy and loud and confident and all the rest, but honest to god, Bea, I’m so close to being broken right now that I’m afraid I won’t ever be fixed again.”
“You will,” Bea said. “You’re in the right place, with the right people. You’re getting therapy. It’s all a part of the process. You need to break everything down so that you can build it all back up again. Better and stronger this time.”
Alli sniffed. “I wish I could be done with the breaking bit and start on the fixing bit.” She cleared her throat. “I’m sorry, Bea. Truly sorry. Sorry that I lost my temper with you, sorry that I blamed you for something that was my fault. I can’t undo those things. But I can try and make sure that they don’t happen again. I’m trying.”
“I can see that,” Bea said. She looked at the cracked pavement by their feet. “I’m sorry that you lost your job, I know it meant a lot to you.”
“Don’t be,” said Alli. “It was too much. It was feeding into my anger. I needed to lose it, needed to start a new path. I can see that. But none of this was your fault, I know that.”
Traffic hummed along the street and the sun shone down warm on their skin.
“Bea,” Alli said, at the exact same time that Bea said, “Alli.”
“You first,” said Alli. “I’ve spilled enough tears for a minute. I need to restock the reservoir before I start pouring my heart out.”
Bea took a deep breath. She hadn’t planned any of this, had no idea what she wanted to say. All she could do was open her mouth and hope that the words that came out were the right ones.
“You’ve changed me,” she said. “Something about you makes me want to be stronger, better. Meeting you has changed my life in so many ways that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you for all of them.”
“You don’t need to,” Alli said.
Bea smiled. “But the way you’ve changed me most is that I’ve seen what could be. I’ve seen what it’s like to be loved and to love in return, equally, without giving too much or taking too much. We spent such a short time together, but I feel like I’ve seen what life could be like if I wanted it to be like that.”
“And do you?” Alli asked, eyes cloudy with tears again.
“Hey, I thought you were all cried out?” Bea teased her.
Alli sniffed. “Alright, I’ll do my best.” Another sniff. “Here’s the thing, Bea. I could say exactly what you’ve just said and it would be equally true. There’s something about you that makes me a better, calmer person. When you’re around, I want to be better. But more than that, I thought for so long that I was broken, that there was something wrong with me, and to have you show me that I’m not, that there’s not, I won’t ever be able to thank you enough for that.”
“So we’re both equally grateful. That’s a good start,” Bea said.
“I’m supposed to be the snarky one,” said Alli.
“Well, you’re taking a turn at being the soppy one right now.”
Alli smiled. “Right, then I’d better give it my best shot.” She took a breath. “Bea, I understand why you didn’t answer my calls. I understand why you didn’t want to speak to me or be with me, and I respect your decision.”
“Alli…”
“Let me finish. I want you to know that I’m changing. I’m working on all of this. And it’s not for you, or not just for you, it’s for me. I need to do this. But I can’t lie and say that a little piece of me doesn’t want you to look at me and see that I’m a better person.”
“Al…”
Alli held up a hand. “Here comes the soppy part. Bea, I have feelings for you. If you can’t reciprocate them, that’s fine. But I can’t carry them around alone any longer. I have to let them out. I want to wake up with you, Bea. I want to see your smile before I go to sleep. I want to hold your hand and argue with you, go on holiday with you. I want to smell your t-shirts when you’re not home because I miss you so much.”
“Okay, that’s soppy verging on creepy.”
Alli laughed a little. “I mean it though, Bea. I mean that a little piece of you will always be with me. I’ll walk away right now if that’s what you need. But I’ll take that little piece inside me for the rest of my life. And there’ll always be a hole inside me, because a little piece of me will go with you too.”
Bea’s heart swelled in size until her chest was so full it hurt to breathe. “Al, you know that I have feelings for you, too.”
“And I know that I scared you, that losing my temper with you was the biggest mistake of my life,” Alli said. “One that I’m not going to repeat. One that woke me up to how I needed and wanted to live my life. So much has changed around me, so much is still up in the air. I don’t even have a job. The only thing that I know for certainty is that my life is better, brighter with you in it.”
“Al…”
“You don’t have to answer now. You can wait, have time to think,” Alli said.
Bea blew out a frustrated breath. “Al, will you let me speak?”
Alli clamped her mouth shut and nodded.
With a grin, Bea said: “When can we start?”
“Start what?”
“This, us,” Bea said simply. “I’m not complete without you and I don’t want to be. My life is better with you in it, and I want to see where all this goes. I want to know what we can be. Because if I make you a better person, and you make me a better person, just think how incredible we can be together.”
“We can,” Alli said, scarcely believing what Bea was saying.
“I feel like I haven’t taken a deep breath since you walked out of my flat,” Bea said quietly.
“Well, we can’t have that,” said Alli. “Especially since we’ve already decided that deep breaths are the answer to all the world’s problems.”
Bea smiled a little. “In that case, I think the world’s going to be a bit screwed for a minute or two. I hope it can look after itself.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because I’m not about to let you take a deep breath for at least the next sixty seconds,” said Bea. She leaned in and brushed Alli’s lips with her own.
“Maybe longer,” said Alli.
“Maybe a lot longer,” Bea agreed.