4. Hans
CHAPTER 4
Hans
X ander is on top of me, pinning me to the ground. I’m a big man, but his muscle mass is all-consuming. I try to push him off, but he grabs my arms and forces them against my torso, pinning them with his muscular thighs.
“Guess The Covenant doesn’t let pretty boys like you learn to fight, huh? Tell me, what would you do if they came for you?”
Shame floods me at his words. He’s right. I wouldn’t stand a chance against them. They would swarm us with their guns, banish me, and take Margarete back with them.
“Get off me,” I hiss as hopelessness settles in my chest.
Xander laughs. “You don’t mean that, pretty boy. From what I can feel, I’d say you enjoy having me on top of you.”
My face heats as I realize he can feel my erection. I can’t help the reaction of my body when Xander is near me. Something unfamiliar stirred within me the first time I saw him at the market—something I’d tried to suppress for so long because I was told to. I always knew I was attracted to men and women, but my body betrayed me for the first time with this man. It never happened with anyone else. The urge didn’t even stir, but with Xander, the emotions and desires were completely different. His essence called to mine in the same way Margarete’s did.
Xander grabs my chin, turning me to face him. His blue eyes are vibrant in his perfectly sculpted face. “You know what they’ll do to her. What they’ll do to you.”
“Homosexuality isn’t a sin. We’re just asked not to act on it.” I have no idea why I said that. It’s a little late to worry about how my faith persecutes something I deem natural. I’ve always considered the notion that it’s a sin or a cross for me to bear ludicrous. Since God created all humans in His image and deems them perfect, shouldn’t my desires also be godly?
Xander laughs. “Brainwashed idiots can’t make up their minds, can they? They preach that God made humans in His image, that we’re all perfect, but then tell us we’re not so perfect if we break their ridiculous rules."
I freeze as I listen to him utter the same truth I’ve contemplated. It’s an insight that Xander possesses and unnerves me more than his daunting physical presence. Xander provides me with a sense of safety and acceptance I’ve never known while simultaneously terrifying me to my core with his ability to see through me.
Xander’s grin widens as he presses his hardened cock against mine. He leans forward, overwhelming my senses with the intoxicating scent of sandalwood and peppermint. I’m certain no one can hear him but me when he whispers, “Don’t push me, pretty boy. My tolerance for your bullshit is running thin.”
I attempt to swallow but can only focus on my pulsing heart. I shut my eyes momentarily to consider my predicament. “Please get off me.”
Xander jumps up and steps back.
“That was easy,” I mumble, pushing myself off the ground.
Xander’s eyes narrow into slits, and his flirtatious smile disappears. “When someone asks you to stop touching them, it’s humane to abide by their wishes. I know they teach men to be animals in The Covenant, but I wasn’t raised that way.”
“That’s not what I meant,” I splutter. Jesus, I didn’t mean anything by it. Usually, Xander stays put. It’s part of the dynamic of our relationship. A fucked up push and pull. “I thought you’d… I don’t know.”
“Contrary to what they told you about men like me, I’m not an animal.”
“Hans.”
Xander and I turn toward Margarete’s panicked voice.
Xander takes two steps, bringing him right in front of me. The man’s aura is larger than life, making it hard to think or breathe around him. He clears his throat. “I think you should reassure her.”
Rotting bile inches its way up my esophagus as I look at Margarete. She’s huddled by a tree, rocking back and forth as she stares at me with large, haunted eyes. I did this to her. I took her from the only home she’s ever known and forced her into an uncertain future. I’ve seen the outside world. My father took me for runs, allowing me the freedom to explore, but Margarete wasn’t afforded the same privilege.
I know the stories they hammer into our heads are lies. Fabrications spun to keep our dysfunctional way of life prevalent. If the women had the same opportunities as the men, none would stay. They’d understand that their world was a gilded cage spun from lies. Yet even knowing this, my chest hurts at the thought that perhaps I’ve sprung this on Margarete too soon. Maybe she isn’t ready for enlightenment.
Did I make a mistake?
No. They would’ve killed her. Not necessarily a physical death, but a spiritual decay is far worse. The Covenant would’ve broken her spirit, the core of who she was, and turned her into a robotic shell. She would end up like the other women—a mindless servant.
No matter what happens, having a choice in a world compromised by sin is far better than a life in paradise cluttered with subjugation.
I approach Margarete gently, worried that I'll spook her if I make a sudden move or if my voice is too harsh. “Maggie, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”
“What if it’s not, Hans? What if everything out here is far worse than what we’ve left behind?”
My heart shatters at the frightened stutter in her voice. “Did you want to marry him?”
“No,” Maggie says, shaking her head. “But that was my purpose. Who am I to say no to the grand plan?”
I crouch beside her, clasping her hand. “I don’t believe there’s a grand plan. God wouldn’t have made me love you the way I do only to rip you away from me. There is no holier union than the yearning of my heart for yours. If you want to live without me, I’ll take you back to The Covenant, but I won’t sit by and watch you marry that man. I can’t.”
Tears spring from Margarete’s eyes, making me want to kick my ass for placing them there. I never want to be the reason she’s miserable, but I also don’t want her living a lie. “What if we’re punished? You’re my brother, Hans. The two of us together is sinful.”
I shake my head, adamant about getting my point across. “You’ve never been my sister.”
I’ve never regarded Maggie as a sibling, not even when we were young. The moment I saw her face at our parents' wedding, I knew she was mine, but the emotions she evoked were far removed from brotherly love. Our love started innocently, morphing into a necessity and blossoming into a bond that heaven and earth couldn’t shatter.
“I don’t want to marry any of them. I know what happens to us. But I’m scared, Hans. What if they’re right? What if what’s out here is far worse than where we were?”
“You think a merciful, loving God would want us to suffer the way the church tells us to?”
I watch her, waiting for an answer. I’m willing to wait an eternity for her to realize that love can’t be a sin, not when it’s forged from pure devotion and sacrifice.
Maggie squeezes my hand. “Nothing has brought me the joy you have, but temptation also brings pleasure.”
I cup her cheek. “Temptation is fleeting. I’ve loved you since the first day I saw you. Sixteen years surpasses the fleeting moments of pleasure driven by temptation, don’t you think?”
Margarete nods toward Xander. “What are we going to do about him?”
“Have faith.”